Monday, May 18, 2009

On Wiggers, Niggers, and Spics: An Interview with Bill Zebub


Before there was Metal Inquisition there was The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds. Founded by Bill Zebub back in 1991, The Grimoire is a print zine that features hilarious and brutally sarcastic articles, reviews, interviews, and pictures of half-naked semi-attractive women. Bill Zebub is a legendary ballbuster and never one to shy away from confrontation or controversy. He is an inspiration to all us here at Metal Inquisition and an enemy of posers worldwide.

Bill's other great passion in life is making low-budget films. You may be familiar with such titles as Assmonster, Breaking Her Will, and The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made.


Bill also hosts a radio show on WFMU 91.1 FM (the longest-running freeform radio station in the United States!) on Sundays from midnight - 3 am (Eastern Standard Time) as Professor Dum Dum.


1. How did you come up with the idea for the Grimoire and the whole Bill Zebub persona?

I had interned for Roadrunner Records and my job was to deal with the fanzines, so I knew that I didn't have to make an award-winning and flashy mag in order to be taken seriously. You know, I am actually developing a script for a movie called "Fanzine Editor" that will give a rundown of the absurd history behind my mag. I think it may be a comedy that would appeal to a lot of people even if they never read a 'zine or listened to metal. The whole thing has been in a constant evolution, so my persona now is a bit different from my starting stages. And alcohol was the fuel for everything.


2. As a proud resident of the glorious state of New Jersey I'm sure you've seen plenty of wiggers in your day. What are your thoughts on wiggers invading both death metal and black metal?

First of all, I am not a proud resident. I just live here. Whenever my movie credits indicate that the movie was shot in New Jersey, it's just to piss off snobs who think that California and New York are the only official movie states. As for wiggers, I was puzzled by that phenomenon when I went to a mostly-black high school. I kept my identity, but most of the white kids adopted a sort of minority-personality. In some cases it was ridiculous because the whites talked like spics. I almost wanted to take these whites aside and ask them if they are aware that spics talk like that because English was not their first language. It's an accent, not a willful way of talking. But years later I studied evolutionary psychology and have found some interesting explanations. Those whites who suddenly adopt a black or hispanic personality are the low-level humans, intellectually. They cannot break away from their brain-wiring, so-to-speak. They are blind conformists. Conformity is essential for a population to thrive. Groups that have high cohesiveness tend to compete with greater success than populations that have lots of free-thinkers, or that have higher numbers of selfish people. So a wigger, or a poser, is a red flag. That person will never be your true friend. He or she will betray you whenever there is a choice between loyalty to you or loyalty to the group. But even before I knew this stuff I always regarded wiggerism as just something to pity. When rap metal bands started emerging, I just ignored them. It's just not something that I like, so I don't seek it out, not even to bash it. There never was a unified metal scene. At any show, now or in the past, you could easily find many people who had conflicting opinions. It's not a group that is of one mind. If there were no wiggers, there would still be stupid people present. So when someone talks wiggerly or dresses that way, or has gay piercings, be thankful for that early warning of total worthlessness. You might have otherwise wasted time with the person, ha ha.

3. If you could borrow the Nocturnus time machine from Mike Browning for one day what would you do with it?

I do not know your specific example, but supposing that a time machine allows time travel, I have some serious regrets that I would love to go back and make right. That can never happen. Maybe if parallel universes are real, there are versions of me who do not carry these chains.


Bill loves Jesus THIS much Jesus!


4. We here at Metal Inquisition are obviously huge fans of your work. Along with Don Rickles and Beavis and Butthead, the Grimoire is one of our biggest influences. Who inspires you?

I am helpless to resist the humor of Laurel and Hardy. It's actually getting harder to find people who even know who this slapstick duo were. I know that some people have only been able to catch "March of the Wooden Soldiers" on TV and maybe one or two other shorts, but these guys were quite prolific. I have almost everything that is available on VHS, and I am waiting to authenticate a DVD collection that is available in England. Maybe their tempo is a bit slow for most people who have become accustomed to the present style of movies that cater to the short attention span. There is one movie by the director John Waters, called "Desperate Living" that I saw a long time ago. It was the first ultra wrong thing I had seen, and it was extremely inspiring. When I say "inspiring" I mean that it stimulated my imagination and made me want to create. It doesn't mean that I wanted to copy.


5. Heavy metal is inherently retarded. That's part of why we love it so much. So why then do you think that so many metalheads lack a sense of humor and insist on taking themselves seriously in spite of this and the fact that most of them are balding, aging virgins that still live in their parents' basements?

Ha! You should be very careful when you make generalizations like "most" and such. Even someone trained in quantifying statistical data would be hard-pressed to make statements like that about such a diverse population. In my particular past, I experienced a shitload of really humorless metalheads when the Grimoirie first started to get majorly distributed. I remember one particular show in Connecticut when a couple of friends and I stormed a club with heaps of free mags and passed them out in a frenzy. When we got to the other end of the club, tons of people were furious. They were ripping up the mag, twisting it as if they were torturing it, and pretty much foaming at the mouth. Later I found out that this was in reaction to the way I interviewed Morbid Angel. Don't get me wrong. There were tons of people who were pissing themselves laughing. But I had never seen so many people become so wretched. I think that part of that bad reaction didn't have so much to do with being humorless as it had to do with people feeling defensive. They CHOSE to be offended. If they hadn't read the interview as an attack, they may have smiled. Yeah, I'm sure that there were some idiots and wet noodles who were part of that angry bunch. Keep in mind that some of the visceral parts of metal attract some really stupid people - to them, some of the vocabulary used in lyrics is as foreign as Latin. There's less outrage these days, possibly because I have paved the way for other mags to walk on the insult road. The funny thing is, when I first started, almost every other fanzine editor told me that my retarded magazine would never last. I outlived them all!


6. Out of all the interviews you've done over the years who was the biggest douchebag you’ve ever interviewed and why?

There have been so many that I can't really single any particular one out. I usually only remember the douchy behavior if it's funny. If it's 100% annoying I tend to forget it. When I first interviewed Phil from Malevolent Creation, he was very care-free and happily discussed his use of the word "nigger" in one of his songs. When I did another interview with him later on, he was trying to hint to me to refrain from the racial humor. I totally didn't get his hints and I thought he was trying to be funny, so I asked even more intense racial questions than I would have otherwise. The reason why he didn't say anything to me outright was because he knew that once the tape starts rolling, I don't edit anything. So if he asked me "Please don't goof on the niggers today" you would have seen that in print. He later explained to me that the band had some problems in Germany because of it, to which I responded, "Where was that anti-racial attitude during World War 2?" It's too late. No matter how anti-fascist they try to be, they actually killed people. It just looks stupid for them to have that new attitude. Anyway, Phil recorded a new record for Nuclear Blast and an interview was set up. When I picked up the phone, Phil asked, "What's up, nigger?" So I was happy that the bullshit was over with and we had a really fun interview that was loaded with super nigger jokes. I published it on my site immediately. I do that now, by the way. I publish stuff on my site first and THEN it gets to print later, possibly edited for length reasons. So I Emailed the record label to give them the link to the interview and they shit their pants. I got frantic Emails begging me to take that interview down. I explained very calmly that I have been doing racial humor since 1993 and I assured them that nothing bad would come of it. They didn't trust my experience. I came home one day and saw my answering machine blinking like an eyeball that had a nigger in it. These were actually voice messages about the interview. I felt bad because Phil left a message saying that Nuclear Blast is actually thinking about dropping the band. I couldn't believe my ears. I didn't want to hurt the band, but even if I took it down, the Internet already has cached pages, which means that the interview would never disappear, and I would look like a fag for taking it down. Well, nothing bad happened, just like I predicted. Political-correctness is just fiction. It's an artificial construct that is contrary to human thinking. And it was invented by the Nazi's, by the way.


7. How did you get into making shitty horror movies? And more importantly, how do you talk women into getting naked in them? I certainly hope you're bribing them with the prospect of fame and fortune.

I never talk anyone into anything. I am just amazingly cool.


What's more metal than a water-damaged bathroom ceiling?


8. Who do you think has a bigger collection of Nazi memorabilia, Jeff Hanneman or Evil D (AKA David Vincent)?

I don't know and I don't care and you can eat my underwear.


9. Who really is the hot dog king of Clifton, Rutt's Hutt or The Hot Grill?

Funny thing you should ask that. I was talked into going to a horror convention in Texas. An acquaintance offered to drive if I split the gas - he also wanted to attend as a vendor. Well, the whole ride to Texas consisted of us calling each other gay as often as possible. Gay, gay, gay. As soon as we got to the convention, the pranks started. While the... I don't want to call him "friend" so I use the word "acquaintance" - while the acquaintance was distracted I write "Kissing Booth - Men's Lips Only" and stuck it on his booth, but what I didn't know is that he made a banner for me out of several sheets of paper that read "gaymovies.com" and taped it over my own banner. So people are coming up to both of us, laughing their asses off, and I am laughing at my acquaintance while he is laughing at me, totally unaware of the double faggery. Along came a movie crew and I was asked if I would participate in an interview for a documentary. They were shooting on real film, and had multiple people assisting, so it was a bit daunting. Anyway, the first question I was asked was, "So what do you think of this place?" I was not ready for that. I thought that the interview was going to be about me, not about the horror convention. I struggled to think of something nice to say because the people out there are really polite and not so accustomed to sarcasm. As I searched my mind for something to say, I remember someone advising me long ago that if I am in a new place and I need to make a compliment, I should say something about the food. I was only there for a few hours so I didn't know anything about the food, but then I remembered a commercial for HOT GRILL, and I yelled, "Well, I sure would love to have a Texas weiner in my mouth." Suddenly the whole place froze. People were looking at each other in total confusion. The interviewer had no idea what to say about that answer and moved on, and I was so embarrassed that I set off some kind of panic spiral in my brain and totally stuttered for the rest of the interview, and when it was over, people just walked away without saying anything. See what happens when you fuck around too much with insults? I was saying gay jokes for two days and some residual gay joke came out at the worst time. I later asked the interviewer to give me another chance, and he asked me to explain what happened. I told him that in New Jersey there is a place that has TV commercials for their most authentic Texas Weieners. Nobody in Texas calls hot dogs that. They call them "Conies" for Coney Island in New York. If only everyone called them "hot fogs" I wouldn't look like a total fag on that documentary. No, I am not telling you what it is called.


10. Now that Anvil has become the subject of a critically acclaimed documentary what other second tier metal bands would you like to see telling their sob stories on the big screen?

Not being a fan of Anvil myself, and having never watched that documentary, I can just say "Good luck" to the people who got that going. I often wondered why there wasn't a documentary about Mercyful Fate. From time to time I think about calling up King and asking him if he'd be interested in something like that, but I am a bit swamped with projects at the moment.


11. Who would you rather hire as your personal trainer, King Diamond or Kane Roberts?

I don't know who the other person is, and King Diamond has a herniated disc...


12. We here at Metal Inquisition are a bunch of bitter, jaded, old men. As the years pass and we watch our relationships and ambitions crumble before us we often regret not having dedicated more of lives to getting laid, or perhaps getting into an Ivy League school, instead of joining the Wild Rags street team and collecting King Diamond picture discs. Do you have any similar regrets about your life in metal?

I had regretted turning the magazine all-glossy and changing from a free magazine that was distributed more than A.I.D.S into one that was for sale at large chains, like Tower Records. Part of that had to do with showing the world that death metal is so cool that a magazine can be 100% devoted to it and say "fuck you" to hardcore, rap metal, or anything gay. Death metal didn't have to just be revered in a photocopied 'zine. I regret that because I was the king of distribution, but when the mag got into those big chains I started fresh in a new realm and didn't maintain my armies of minions. When Tower Records and other shops crumbled, I transformed the mag back into a fee publication, but the world has changed. I have to build my minions anew. But you know, even if I had remained free all along and kept up the free distribution, the free distribution actually cost a shitload of money that was paid by the advertising dollars from record labels. As more and more people download or share music without paying for it, advertising budgets for record labels shrink more and more. Years ago a great death metal band would sell 110,000 copies of a CD worldwide. Now they can't even hit 40,000. So fans who download are killing metal. They are killing the band, killing the record labels, killing magazines, and killing me softly.

20 comments:

  1. thats one rad dude. i grew up on the publication.
    he was an inspiration to the corruption of my warped teenage mind back in the day...

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  2. Respect to Bill Zebub. Used to get issues of Grimoire at Music Connection in Elmwood Park along with bootleg Crossed Out cd's and regrettably maybe a 25 ta Life shirt or two when I didn't know better. Wish I still had all those issues. And for the record Hot Grill > Rutt's Hutt but I may be biased being I live blocks away from the Hot Grill.

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  4. this is the post i have been waiting for in my entire time of reading MI. thanks GHB.

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  5. oh god, this interview is offensive even by MY standards hahaha... yowza!

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  6. thanks, sarge! that means a lot coming from you!

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  7. I had no idea Bill Zebub was Professer Dum Dum! and who knew he was an actual nazi?

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  8. You know, I actually have extensive, post-graduate training in both statistics and evolutionary psychology. His comments about statistics are right on but his reading of evolutionary psychology is pretty amateur, at best. He's like one of those dudes who says "well of course guys are douchbags to chicks at bars! We've, like, evolved to do that!"

    Then again, the less said about evolutionary psychology on a metal blog, the better.

    Any evolutionary psychologist would probably have a fucking field day with a whole subculture full of the aforementioned bitter, balding, virgins who live in their mom's basement, especially when they all get together to put on make-up and stand real close to each other while they're all sweaty.

    My evo-psych reading of metal: given that metal guys tend not to get laid and also tend to be genetically undesirable, they have evolved the desire to collect together into a nearly all male subculture, thusly removing their fucked up chromosomes from the gene-pool, bettering the genes of the whole species. We're all taking one for the team, in effect.

    For evidence, please see any picture of any metal dude ever posted on this website.

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  9. todd, that makes sense! girls love me and i get laid constantly, which makes a lot of sense in the context of my musical preferences. specifically, that i almost never listen to metal anymore, usually just scene bands and club rap- both genres in which getting laid is of central concern!

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  10. wait a minute, he cautions you against generalizing but refers to people as niggers and spics?

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  11. Don't think about it too hard Joe. He didn't.

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  12. great interview

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  13. I used to read the Grimoire back in college, and used to listen to professor Dum-Dum a lot too. I was hoping that this interview would be funnier, but he seems to have taken things so...seriously. Sad like Robert Smith (insert Robert Smith picture here).

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  14. its annoying when: people on here are easily offended (c mon its metal!!!) and alos when they try to hard to convince themselves they're intellectual. this page is for shits and giggles. anybody that cant appreciate that can take a hike.

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  15. Does anyone remember his show on 101.5FM WMSC (Montclair State University)? He was going under the name the "Heavy Metal Monster". It was around 89-90 that I came across him. I was introduced to alot of bands through his show.

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  16. nothing is more cringe inducing than white dudes dropping the N bomb

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  17. i could sort of laugh this off but then i went and read his interviews with the malevolent creation dude...yech. i need a shower or something.

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  18. I have really enjoyied reading your well written article. It looks like you spend a lot of effort and time on your blog. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work!

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  19. Aye Lucho, only niggers can say nigger,right? It's cause they own that shit and us non-niggers have no right to it,right? At least that's what every nigger I know says to me. And I say to them, as a challenge, that when they stop calling themselves niggers, I will do the same.

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  20. Aye Lucho, only niggers can say nigger,right? It's cause they own that shit and us non-niggers have no right to it,right? At least that's what every nigger I know says to me. And I say to them, as a challenge, that when they stop calling themselves niggers, I will do the same.

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