Where is the double bass on the drums: Vintage Roadrunner hate mail

Some posts just write themselves, like yesterday's on Stuff You Will Hate about BOSS' Crabcore pedal. Such is also the case with this collection of "interesting" letters received by Roadrunner about 5 years ago and passed on to us by a secret source that we will simply call "Green Rage." Please thank him/her and enjoy this rare treat!

Click on any of the images to see a full-size version that you can actually read.


This fucking dipshit is an asshole of the highest order, but what's much worse is that he's not funny. In this letter he pretends to think there is a defect with the CD they sent him FOR FREE and says the singer for Cradle of Filth sounds like a girl. Here is how I would probably react: Har har, real funny, you sure taught me a lesson about how lame I am for sending free stuff to people like you. You couldn't just silently throw it away like everyone else who doesn't like it, you had to rub it in my face. Your time is clearly priceless, other than the hours you spent writing this letter and patting yourself on the back for being so clever. How about this you motherfucker, I know where your fucking kids go to school and they get out in 10 minutes- think you can get there faster than I can? Why aren't you laughing anymore??



In this letter, some gimp/mongo begs Roadrunner to send him a Slipknot CD out of pity for his disability. True to form for someone who is asking for a handout, he is not only asking for a favor but has very specific demands regarding how the favor should be done: "CDS LPS ONLY NO SINGLES. IF 2 VERSIONS SEND EXPLICIT LYRIC VERSION. IF ONLY ONE VERSION SEND IT." It's kind of like when I told Olga Kurylenko she should pity-fuck me after the ATM ate my debit card, then said "MISSIONARY/REVERSE COWGIRL ONLY NO HANDJOBS. IF 2 ORIFICES USE BUTTHOLE. IF ONLY ONE ORIFICE USE IT."


If you ever did a zine, traded tapes, or otherwise corresponded with Euros by mail in the 80s/90s, this letter will sound all too familiar. Some German weirdo is pitching them on the idea of opening some Roadrunner stores in Europe. But that's not all! He adds that "When a Roadrunner Band is on Tour or the Roadrunner Roadrage Tour is across Europe this Band or Bands make a Autographbreak on the Local Roadrunner Store so Fans can get closer to their Idols." It sounds to me like he has fully considered this idea and I cannot imagine why Roadrunner did not jump at the chance to immediately engage him as VP Retail Development, Roadrunner Europe. Then he could give the gimp from above a job and kill two birds with one stone!


Now this letter is refreshing! He's not being a dickbag whiner, asking for free shit, or an annoying Euro, he's just a Roadrunner fan who is understandably concerned about the direction the label started taking around this time (1995ish). As a diehard Fear Factory and Machine Head devotee, he simply asks "Where is the REALLY heavy stuff? Where is the death metal? Where is the double bass on the drums??" And isn't that what we are all trying to find out during our time here on this planet?? Where *is* the double bass on the drums?


Hoo boy... this reminds me of the insane bullshit that covers the label of Dr. Bronner's soap. The scary part is the complete lack of awareness at play. Any time someone seems to lack a fundamental understanding of reality, it's unnerving because you never know what the fuck they'll do next. They operate on what seems to be their own bizarre logic system that has little or no relationship to the way the world actually works. When Z-level, local metal bands send their godawful demo to Roadrunner it's certainly kind of pathetic, but at least it makes sense: they are in a metal band, and Roadrunner puts out metal records. I always wonder what possesses some weirdo like this fruit to contact a label like Roadrunner, and how they might react if rejected. I imagine this guy is the heir to some insane fortune that his father made selling essence of honeysuckle in the 1920s or whatever, so he doesn't have to work. Instead, he spends his days wandering around, sniffing bicycle seats and park benches. When he gets the news that Roadrunner signed Billy Talent instead of him, he flips out and some poor girl waiting for the bus ends up in a dumpster behind 7-11, fragments of a shattered Dresden Dolls CD jammed into her skull.

Putting out the Disincarnate album alone is enough to atone for Roadrunner's sins of allowing Methods of Mayhem and the nu-Misfits to enter a recording studio

Conclusion
Working in the music industry might sound glamorous, but there's more to the job than the cool stuff you read about in No Glam Fags or The Wild Rag. For every "ZOMG all my dreams are coming true" moment like the time you get to help Donald Tardy wash his 1992 Chevy Luv while he tells you stories about Scott Burns' farts, there's decidedly unglamorous stuff like taking Tom Araya to 8AM Sunday mass with his daughters. We think that getting letters like this make it all worthwhile though, and welcome any other informants like "Green Rage" to share with us!

We don't know anybody at Roadrunner, but if you do, please pass this on to them and ask them to get in touch! There are few labels who have contributed more to metal than they have and we would love to work with them in one way or another. For starters, let's bro down with Mike from Killswitch and talk to him about the rad Devastation "Idolatry" longsleeve he wore when I saw Overcast in 1998.

---

A quick detour through bummer-ville

The best song from Left With Nothing's criminally underrated EP- check out a live version here. They were a rare combo of fun but also super intense and emotional, like Seattle's other ex-Trial/Undertow/Himsa regretcore band Everything Went Black, and I had a lot of fun at their shows.

Sorry to end on such a serious note, but we would like to express our sadness for the recent loss of Brian Redman, formerly of RR band 3 Inches of Blood. I knew him from the Seattle hardcore scene, where he played in Trial and the really-fucking-great-but-unknown Left With Nothing, one of my favorite Seattle hardcore bands. He was funny, friendly, and had a motherfucking INTEGRITY tattoo on his chest- you really can't fuck with that! I wasn't BFFs with him, but many of my Washington friends were and he is dearly missed.

I strongly support your band's decision to alienate its core fanbase

Once a band has a good thing going, they usually like to throw it all away by changing their style up for reasons that only God knows. Rather than get angry about it, I applaud bands who flush their hard-won credibility and support down the toilet. Why? Because it's funny. It's funny to see the nerd rage from their fans, and it's funny to watch the band members get defensive or flustered when they realize that everybody hates what they've done.

In this post I will share a few of my favorite moments in which bands have dramatically changed their style for the worse. I will explore each of these self-clownings along three dimensions:

• Why they changed: I will take a guess at what the practice room discussions were in which they decided it was a good idea
• Fan reaction: Exactly how did fans react to the betrayal?
• How badly it fucked them: On a scale of 0-10, how badly did it impair the band's ability to receive income in the future?

In all seriousness, I cannot fathom what could have a) possessed them to think this is a good idea or b) convinced Century Media to release this. I'm really not joking here! If I was the dude at CM who was responsible for the bottom line on the Cryptopsy account, when I heard the demos I think my feedback would be something like: "Dudes, I totally respect that you want to do something different and that's awesome but I have a fucking mortgage to pay. Putting clean vocals on a Cryptopsy record is basically taking food directly out of my family's mouth so that you can 'explore the boundaries of extreme metal' or whatever bullshit you just said to me. If you want to experiment, do it on your own dime. Now get the fuck out of my office and go write 'None So Vile Part 2'!"

Cryptopsy
Why they changed
(Translated from French)
Guy 1: I'm bored with death metal. Remember when we got that metalcore guy to sing on our last couple records, and everybody hated it because they want to hear sick-ass death metal not a poor man's Suicide Silence? We should do something even more zany than that for the next record.
Guy 2: Totally! Don't forget that we also made a decision at that one band meeting to write boring songs with 5,000 nondescript riffs in them instead of catchy, simple shit that you couldn't stop listening to like on our first few albums.
Guy 1: Yeah, yeah, I remember, quit nagging me about it. Anyhow, I've been listening to a lot of Diecast and Poison The Well lately, we should totally do that thing where they have half-assed death metal vocals, then the guy starts singing and when you hear it you're all "Dude, that's so beautiful!!" and a single tear rolls down your cheek. Oh, and let's wear leather pants with buckles on them in the video.
Guy 2: Pass the poutine, please.

Fan reaction
"Wat"

How badly it fucked them
8.5/10. Perhaps someone from Century Media can chime in and tell us exactly how far their sales have plummeted, but I have to guess that their transition to "shitty Killswitch Engage" was pretty much a death blow. The only reason I didn't give them a 10 is that Flo will always be able to sell instructionals to shut-ins who would rather practice their double flamadiddles than deal with the terrifying prospect of leaving the house.


Pantera
Why they changed
Phil: Fuckin' a dudes, I'm fuckin' high as fuck man... Let's do some new shit, I ain't down with these fuckin' powederpuff jams. I was just sittin' here feeling the fuckin' high, and I saw something... I saw the fuckin' universe!! I looked into the middle of the sun, and it told me that the four of us were put on this Earth for one thing: To create the NEW GENERATION OF POWER GROOVE!
Everybody else: Right on bro, power groove, hell yeah! But hey, can we just play "Strutter" one more time before we reinvent the steel??

Fan reaction
"Duuuuude, what the fuck man?! Quit yelling and shit! It makes my fuckin' head hurt! Why are you all aggro and shit, I thought Pantera was a rock band? Quit screaming, man, my chick is gettin' freaked out! Fuck this, I'm putting in my Vinnie Vincent tape to get her in the mood again." *Rides away on his Mongoose, plastic comb stuck in the back pocket of his size 28 jeans*

How badly it fucked them
0/10: They timed their makeover perfectly, coinciding with the death of glam and the mainstreaming of angsty "hard rock." You can think of the revamped Pantera as the angry, brutish brother of Alice In Chains in many ways. Both got high way too much, but in addition to having a strong self-detructive streak, Pantera enjoyed turning his anger on others.

This is a double dose of painful; it manages to be horribly embarrassing like you're watching your uncle's shitty cover band in which he wears a Harley-Davidson do-rag at the same time as a high school battle of the bands where they're playing a Fender Squire through a Peavey Bandit. Amazing job, guys! Hipster Runoff has nothing on Metallica in the post-ironic humor department.

Metallica
Why they changed:
Needless to say, volume upon volume has been written about the several dramatic shifts in Metallica's style. What could I possibly add, especially since I have always thought they were pretty terrible? Perhaps because I am an outsider, I believe I have a fresh perspective. I'm thinking that it went a little like this:
*establishing shot of a calendar that says 1989 on it*
James: OK guys, how do we follow up "Garage Days?" It's way better than any of our real albums, and it's all fucking covers, WTF. I don't know where we go from here. *sighs, throws up hands in frustration*
Kirk: Since we're obviously out of ideas and rich, why don't we just have fun with it and make the lamest fucking "hard rock" record we can, just for a joke??
James: Ha ha ha, I love it! Yeah, and I'll adopt this Southern redneck persona even though I'm from Bakersfield. It will be hilarious! Then after a year or something we'll reveal that it was all a put-on, everybody will have a good laugh, and we'll get tons of press.
Kirk: No, no, let's do it Andy Kaufman-style and never let on! We'll play it straight, and people will always be guessing whether it's a joke or we're really that fucking stupid. It will be way funnier that way!!
Lars: Totally! Also, we should make my snare so tight, ringy, and absurdly loud in the mix that it sounds like someone is banging on the side of a battleship with a ball peen hammer in time to the music!
James: Dude, come on. Let's not get carried away. We can't go too far over the top or it will be too obvious that it's a joke!
*shot of the pages on a calendar peeling off and blowing away in the wind until it says 2003*
James: LOL, guys, I can't fucking believe nobody's gotten the joke yet!! We need to do something so ridiculous that nobody can possibly miss it and everybody will catch on to the joke. Lars, what was that idea you had for a snare sound a few years back??

Fan reaction
Many fans were ready to tar and feather them after the black album, and brought out their torches & pitchforks when they heard "Load." By the time "St. Anger" came out, most people kind of realized it was just a tired joke that had run its course, and maybe chuckled a little bit when they saw the video where they played Disturbed riffs in the prison yard. "Death Magnetic" was met with about the same reaction as someone wearing an Austin Powers Halloween costume in 2009: "Dude, you should probably go home and change. It's gonna be a long night if you don't."

How badly it fucked them
0/10, seemingly. Despite that they are perhaps the most hated band in all of metal, I still see 14 year-olds with bowl cuts, acne and bad posture wearing "Ride The Lightning" shirts as they follow their parents around the mall looking surly just like they did in 1989. Like Led Zepplin and Bob Marley, they have a mystifying ability to move merch to every new generation of shitbag loser teenagers, so what the fuck do I know about how much Metallica sucks?

Argh, I don't even know what to say about this... I hadn't watched it in a long time since Lucho uploaded it. I don't even think it's funny anymore, they just sound like legit morons that would deliver potato chips to bodegas or something and yap about their band endlessly: "Yeah man, we're playing at L'Amours, opening for DBC and Lawnmower Deth. You should come check it out bro, we'll blow your mind bro!"

Anthrax
Why they changed
*The band is sitting in the living room at Charlie's parents' home in Queens*
Joey: It's just not the same anymore. Ever since our practice space burned down, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. The insurance forms say that the damage was only a few hundred dollars, but I feel like my youthful enthusiasm and whimsical, carefree outlook on life also went up in flames that night. *halfheartedly flips through a Judge Dredd comic, dejected*
Scott: I know, man. The other day I tried to put on my Adidas warmup suit and do borderline-racist rap poses in the mirror, and I just wasn't feeling it. And when someone told me that Billy Milano was actually a pretty smart, funny guy who was just "playing a character" in SOD, I couldn't even bring myself to shout "NOT!". I kinda feel like it might be time for Anthrax to break up...
Charlie: Snap out of it, guys!! *bursts into the room* We're not going to let this tragedy get the best of us! Let's channel our pain into writing a new record. It will be moody and repetitive, much slower, less fun and catchy than anything we've done so far. Also, we'll take the title from the name of a famous painting or something to sound deep, and the songs will be punishingly long to send the message that we have a lot to say!
Scott: Perfect. That will show everybody that we've grown up and we're not just the class clowns of Thrash High! We'll finally be seen as mature, legitimate musicians and get the respect we deserve from both fans and critics alike. Man, this is going to be great.
Charlie: Then once we find a guy with the least possible charisma, stage presence, and distinctive voice, we'll fire Joey and replace him!
Joey: Guys, I'm right here... I can hear everything you're saying.
Scott/Charlie: Shut up, Joey. Go play with your Transformers and make a new "injun" hat.

Fan reaction
If you ask 100 different people about Anthrax's lineup changes, you will get 100 different answers. Some popular ones: "They would be better if Scott Ian sang," "They would be better if they kept Neil Turban," and "Cry for the Indians."

How badly it fucked them
5/10. Not too badly, actually. I mean don't get me wrong, Anthrax has been fucking horrible for over 20 years, but their first couple albums are so, so good that you can look past the new stuff, brushing it off as though it's just a phase they're going through (although if that phase was a person it would be old enough to drink). In any case, what it comes down to is that nobody will buy their new albums, but people will still go see them in hopes that they'll play the old, good songs. It's not unlike those washed up old bands like Cutting Crew or whatever that only play county fairs and riverboat casinos. Only unlike Cutting Crew, Anthrax used to put the NYHC logo on their merch.

Hasta next time...?
What did y'all think of this concept? There is certainly no shortage of content for future installments: Slayer, Celtic Frost, Sepultura, and Carcass to name but a few. Should we do more?

Why Candlemass rules above all other shitty Swedish bands

***PLEASE NOTE: THIS POST DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY REFERENCES TO SWEDISH DEATH OR BLACK METAL.

I have never been much of a Candlemass fan. I don't know something about fat Swedish guys with brillopad hair wearing a Slanket never really turned my crank (Yes, I am aware he's not in the band anymore). However, if you follow my Twitter (and really, why wouldn't you?), then you'd know I've developed a little bit of an obsession with them. I have rediscovered them, if you will. Now, does the fact that I just started liking a band in 2009 that has been around since the 80s make me a poser? If some cretin came to me and told me he just now got into Hellhammer, I'd probably label him a fuckwad poser and steal his car. That's the usual poser punishment around here. Well, call me what you will, but I like Candlemass now. I did have Candlemass Live on cassette in high school, although I only listened to it once.

Other than the occasional Sabbath song here and there and some Paradise Lost, I don't usually dig on the sludgy slow doomy type shit, but lately Candlemass (and Messiah's fatness) have changed that. It's not only that I have found their songs incredibly catchy or that I have rediscovered how fat (and therefore funny) Massiah is, but the music seems to match my mood as of late. It's not that I have been sad or depressed. Quite the contrary, I have been on the up and up (which you'd also know if you follow my Twitter), but somehow their slow tunes have become an anthem to my life these days. Whatever, I'm a fucking werido.

The reason for this post, tho, is not to talk about the average Candlemass tunes, Messiah's fatness or to promote my Twitter, but to talk about the awesomest songs the Swedish meatballs, known as Candlemass, ever recorded. Read on, my friends. Read on!

Sweden has a long standing and well documented history of shit music. Who can forget Hick?

This image is so fucking funny on it's own, I'm not even gonna bother trying to say anything witty, mean or in anyway "funny" about it. I'll just point one thing out. We found Ron Weasely's real dad!

And there's Faith! Who can forget Faith? Who can forget the Doom pioneers who brought us the "Hymn of the Sinner" 7" single? Who can forget them? Not me! Mostly because it's hard to forget something you'd never heard of before until doing web research for a long-winded and all around retarded post about a second rate band like Candlemass.

From L to R: Assclown wearing my mom's suede boots // Moustache wilding frontman with a poodle haircut, my sister's sweater, my gym socks circe 1984 and a crucifix keychain // Guy looking sad 'cuz his mom won't let him grow his hair long // And... wait is that a dude or an ugly chick?

I didn't wanna bring these guys up, but...

So many poodle haircuts I don't know what to do. I wonder if that's like a "Swedish Thing", these terrible haircuts.

And then there's ABBA... Fuck me with a 15" black dildo! This whole Mama Mia! bullshit could have been avoided if these fucktarts would have died in their teens. *Sigh*, how I long for Nocturnus' Time Machine right now... Way to go Sweden, thanks for nothing.

Is it me, or does everyone in this picture look like his wearing a wig?

But all of the Swedish musical "legends," none is bigger (or lamer, really), than this gentleman. Allow me to introduce to Sigge Furst, a true Swedish icon. He was a mediocre actor and a horribly bad singer during the 40s, 50s and 60s.

He did more than 130 movies, and I'm sure they were all "very good." I wonder if the Swedes understood the concept of Two Thumbs Down in the 50s... Anyway, he was in the incredibly entertaining musical "I Dur Och Skur." What a picture that was! They sure don't make them like that anymore. Sven Lindberg was also very good in this movie. I recommend you put it on your Netlix list right away. In your Swedish Netflix, AKA "NeetFliiks"

And let us not forget the TV masterpiece "Himmel Och Pannkaka" featuring the incomparable Gunmar Bjornstand. That show was a kneeslapper! Imagine a mixture of Seinfeld, Gilligan's Island and and The Benny Hill Show! Actually that's not it at all, I just made that up. I have never seen and Sweedish TV, unless you count soft porn as "TV."

So, what does the prodigious Sigge Furst have to do with Candlemass? Aside from also being a Swede, in a stroke of true Swedish genius, in 1993 Candlemass decided to cover four songs by the late legend in an EP aptly titled "Sjunger Sigge Furst." I'm not sure why I said "aptly", since i have no idea WTF "Sjunger" means, but maybe I wanted to sound smart, and the use of words like "aptly" make you sound smarter than you actually are. I got a B in drafting once.

In any case, I think the whole EP is brilliance on mp3. Below, please find both, the original and the cover, of the catchy tune called "Bullfest." I don't really know if they even have bulls in Sweden, so I'm not sure what the song is about, but I love it! If it doesn't make you wanna get up and dance, there's obviously something really, really wrong with you. Or maybe there's something really, really wrong with me. Actually, I know there's something really, really wrong with me, so please disregard the previous statement.

I hope enjoyed that as much as I did. Probably not, but then again, I'm not sure I care.

Here's something else I found that I thought was interesting... Apparently Sigge Furst is not the only has-been dipshit Candlemass paid tribute to in the 90s.

So, what have we learned today, kids? Well, we learned that there is no cattle in Sweden, that I have serious psychological issues and that gluttony is a sin. Go fuck yourselves. Porn.

.

Guest post: Where's the love for awesome hardcore bands that turned into shitty metal bands?

This is the first of what we hope will be many guest columns from MI readers, in this case from frequent commenter and MI Twitter follower Snoopz. Naturally it isn't as good as something we would write ourselves, but you can't have everything, can you? If you're interested in writing something, please send it to our email or send a direct message on Twitter- the more the merrier!

This is my shot at a guest column for Metal Inquisition and it’s gonna be about hardcore bands that “went metal” in the 80’s and early 90’s, and, well, how that was totally fuckin awesome! Now right now, people who were hardcore fans in the 80’s, their heads are exploding, because what I just said is the equivalent of a teenager today telling me, a 30 year old, that it must have been awesome to be around in the 90’s to see the emergence of Slipknot and Sevendust. I’d say, “no, I went to Tattoo the Earth Tour and it sucked” and we would just not see eye to eye. Well I don’t connect well with older hardcore fans, record collectors, and so forth. I see them as the No Fun Club. Like, if my favorite Cro-Mags album is the wrong one, forget it, I’m not even worth talking to. No accounting for personal taste with these hardcore puritans, there are good albums and bad albums and, a consensus has been reached on the matter, and I should shut up.

School of Violence, Junkyard, and Broken Bones?! It's like a who's-who of forgettable crap all in one image!

The records I’m going to mention today, by Warzone, Token Entry, and DYS, are universally hated despite musical innovation and adventurous lyrics. What the fuck? I’ll get into this right now. I’m pretty positive most Metal Inquisition readers have a general awareness of hardcore music, but I should clarify that records I’m talking about don’t sound like the metalcore bands that were all spawned by At The Gates’ Slaughter of the Soul. In fact death metal is not really a factor. Think crossover, cheese metal, funk metal, thrash.


Here is a photo of my room around 2000. I was heavily involved in some hardcore archeology at the time, digging up albums from ten years earlier. Note all the tapes. Guess what? They were cheaper than Cds. And what tapes was I finding the most in used bins? The “sellout” metal albums by punk and hardcore bands that nobody wanted. Now you are getting an idea about why I know so much about this shit.

Warzone - Self-titled
Warzone was a NYHC band, had a killer 7 inch and two great, well-produced full lengths, and then the 1989 S/T album dropped, ruining everything in a lot of people’s eyes. When I was first listening to Warzone in the mid-90’s (they were reunited and playing often) I did not even know that the album existed. I found it hard to believe, when told by friends, that some “awful” Warzone record was out there with bullet holes on the cover. I searched for years. Nothing. Finally in the early 00’s I met a friend who had received the record as a birthday present. A gag gift of course. Amazingly his copy was a promo sent to a radio station and contained a press release for Caroline Records that was, I admit, rather funny, describing their logo as “the iron cross of unity.” My heart sank when I saw that the program director of the station had written on the release, in pen, “despite their best intentions, this is a lame band.”

Almost as awesome as the old Lion's Den picture where they're on the train tracks

The record rocks, good luck finding it on mediafire. Sure it has a thin sound, the guitars sound like a series of samples for a RUN DMC record all strung together, but this whole record moves at a mid-tempo groove that will fuck you up.


Token Entry - "The Weight of the World"
On to Token Entry, a melodic straight edge band from the late 80’s who dropped Weight of the World in 1990, a kind of hard rock funk metal record that is near and dear to my heart. Here are the words of AMG “The vocalist looks ready for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the guitarist is black, the bass player was kidnapped from a hairy metal band, and the drummer looks like seventy percent of the male actors in Los Angeles.” Too much for most hardcore fans I’m sure. A photo of a band not looking right on the back of the record is enough for most fans to dismiss the album as “sellout” before putting it on the turntable. It’s like, if the record’s cover is in full color, it’s a deal-breaker. Oh well, their loss, this release is real fun and was recently re-issued.

DYS - Self-titled
Last and the best. DYS, self-titled LP. Fuck man, it kills me to see people on Amazon.com saying the discography CD is good only if you program your CD player to play the tracks from Brotherhood alone. 1984, this record is not influenced by thrash, it’s really just longer hardcore songs, with some higher-pitched vocal. In the words of the guitar player, "the most technically proficient and cleanest sounding record in the history of Hardcore." This shit is all muscle, so look out. Lyrics?

A demon trapped within all men
Has won the battle here
And those who set the demon free
Now have cause to fear
Gone the days of loneliness
Trapped within his brain
He steps forth into darkness
And remembers all the pain

Damn, you should listen to that stuff when working out.

Conclusion
Again, I’ll tell you all, I wasn’t there when all these records dropped, but I’ve been listening to this kind of shit for years and have got pretty much 100% negative feedback from people learning about my musical tastes. I dig Mucky Pup, and M.O.D., two bands recently dismissed here at Metal Inquisition. I don’t know why I got to go against the grain. A few years ago I saw a review in the thrash zine HeartattaCK lamenting that the cover of a new 7” featured cover art in the style of the Suicidal Tendencies Join the Army record cover. “I hope that this style of art does not come back,” said the reviewer. I wondered, “what the fuck kind of crappy album covers does this person like? Blurry photos with typewriter font lower-case text?” That is the antithesis of cool. Crossover rules.

Life of Agony has the method of groove to grab your attention

There are few bands I listen to more often than Life of Agony. They've been there through thick and thin, like an old baseball glove or a girl who you call to fuck and borrow money from every time you're single. With that in mind, it's high time Metal Inquisition sings their praises, album by album!
River Runs Red
Theme: "I wanna mosh."

When I wrote that theme, I sang it like Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" and thought of how great many 80s songs about dancing would be if you changed them to being about moshing: "All She Wants To Do Is Mosh," "My Girl Wants to Mosh All The Time," and so forth.

Anyway, I like to think of this album as the gay version of Carnivore. It has brutal mosh parts, but also lots of "wah wah, I hate my daddy" parts. I used to hate this album because of the unusual vocals. I just wanted to hear Bulldoze and Dmize, but now that I am an old, lonely man full of little else but despair, hopelessness, and shattered dreams, the vocals sound pretty good to me.

Unwilling to change for society, Keith is gonna be who he wants to be! He is the underground, the underground- yeah!

The songs seem to be broadly divided into two sets: songs about how they will mosh all over you if you step to them and their crew, and songs about crying. On the mosh tip you have tracks like "Method of Groove" in which they make sure you know that their method of groove will grab your attention. Then there is "Respect," which informs the audience that someone or another has a thing to learn about respect. I am not sure who it is supposed to be targeted at, I like to think that it's about a jerky cop who kicked me out of the Safeway parking lot in 1995 when all I wanted to do was skate with my bros. He definitely has a thing or two to learn about respect!!

There is also plenty of crying. For example, "Bad Seed," in which Keith passive-aggressively suggests that he is going to kill himself:

So please don't keep on asking
If there's something wrong
'Cause you know damn well if I was fine
I would've never ever written this song

It reminds me of this Scott Baio movie from the 80s called "The Truth About Alex" where he finds out his best friend is gay and is going to kill himself. He tells his little brother melodramatically, "You can have all my records... I won't need them where I'm going!" Then he drives his Camaro off a cliff. I feel like Keith Caputo is also crying out for attention in songs like "Bad Seed" and "My Eyes." I like feeling sorry for myself too, though, so I'm cool with that.

Ugly
Theme: "I wanna cry."

On this album, Keith abandons the songs about moshing and talks a lot about how he misses his mommy. I don't get along all that well with my mom, but I am a sensitive pussy, so this is my favorite LOA album. Every time I get my heart broken by some 23 year-old hipster girl (usually two or three times a month), I put this album on, curl up into a ball and hold myself while I rock back and forth in the corner and cry myself to sleep.

Buru Buru Dog and Keith Caputo both like to sit in the corner and quiver while they cry

I also like to put on "I Regret" and "Lost At 22" when I look back on my life. I wish that I could say that it has been one spectacularly disappointing choice after the next, but I'm such a loser that my failures aren't even spectacular. I'm not even interesting enough to be a trainwreck, I'm just slowing puttering down the road to fizzling out. Eventually I will just sigh deeply and crumple into dust as my soul escapes through my mouth... probably around the age of 34. When I think about this, I put on "I Regret" and fill page after page of my diary by scrawling "SHED MY SKIN AND START AGAIN!!!" over and over. It's what Keith would want me to do, I think.

My favorite LOA song, though, is "Coffee Break." Just like Keith says in the chorus, "No one understands me." In fact I am sure I am going to die alone because of this. All I want to do is listen to BrokeNCYDE, watch Bridget Jones and snuggle with a nice girl, but I am more convinced it will never happen every time I listen to this song. Keith is the only one who really gets me, I think.

Soul Searching Sun
Theme: "I wanna rock... while I cry."

On this album, LOA decided that they wanted to be a rock band. Basically this record sounds like Creed, which is cool with me because I like Creed, although it does represent quite a change from the old days in which they sang the praises of moshers who were unwilling to change for society. I half expect him to ask the audience if they can take him higher.

An incredibly pussed-out version of "Let's Pretend" in which Keith wears a windbreaker with the hood up the entire time

For example, "Angry Tree" reminds me of that one Belly song about the tree or whatever. It's hella 90s, I don't remember the name but I liked it a lot. The singer was hot as I recall, although if I went back and watched it now, I would probably vomit because she's probably wearing Doc Martens or something, not to mention what must be a giant bush lurking beneath her striped tights. And odds are their is someone with a Dr. Seuss novelty hat in the video somewhere. Mucky Pup proved that much. Writing songs about trees is definitely a relic of the 90s.

Nuclear Death was much better at writing metal songs about trees. For example, "The Corpse Tree" from their 1992 7" "For Our Dead"

Keith wants you to think that he is done being a crybaby on this album, but I beg to differ. For example, in "Hope" he says "This song is meant to uplift you, not to tear you apart." Really Keith?? I don't believe you! I think you want to bum us out so we will listen to you play acoustic Bob Marley covers!! (In case you haven't heard it, LOA actually did an acoustic cover of "Redemption Song") You're not fooling me! Not cool bro, save that sensitive shit for Cyco Miko.

Conclusion
Life of Agony has a song for every mood and every time of your life! Lifting weights, tending to a broken heart, crushing despair, whatever- Keith and Joey Z have you covered! By the way, is Joey Z related to Johnny Z from Megaforce?? I hope not, because I feel like Joey Z would never have signed Overkill. Anyway, don't be an "I only like the demo" guy and tell me that "River Runs Red" is the only good album, because they all jam for their own reasons!

Metal Inquisition slams Decibel

Our friends at Decibel might be hipster metal posers, but they were at least smart enough to include a 6-page feature on slam metal in the latest issue in a futile effort to salvage whatever shred of credibility remains after stroking Mastodon's dick at every possible opportunity. Better yet, they interviewed me for the feature! I play the role of the expert on wigger slam, and wrote a sidebar entitled "The Essentials of Slam" or something.

Thanks to Albert, Panko, and the rest of the Decibel crew for including us! Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy at your local Chris Barnes & Noble!

More info here

Retroview: Suicidal Tendencies discography (or at least most of it)

Suicidal Tendencies was my entry into the world of punk, hardcore, and metal back in 1989. They've had their ups and downs, to say the least, but I figured it was high time for a retroview of their discography. This is going to be long, but bear with me!! (that's what she said). PS don't forget to join our group on Last.fm!!

Self-Titled (1983)
Obviously this is pretty much the best record ever released and if you don't worship it, you should probably blow your brains out immediately to salvage what's left of your honor. This record is pretty much why I like all the stuff I like now: hardcore, graffiti, metal, fighting, and the West Coast. Where do I ever start?!

First of all, I'm not sure why they decided to cover up those dope shirts with that dumb photo of them hanging from the jungle gym, but whatever. I can't count the hours I spent studying all the shirts on the cover, copying them or trying to make up my own designs. They still look fucking cool. My favorite is the "Suicidal Cycos" one on the middle right. I actually have that goat head/pentagram tattooed on my forearm. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I definitely pulled my socks up high when I wore shorts, buttoned my flannels up to the very top, and otherwise tried to imitate them as much as possible. I used to be kind of embarrassed about it, but fuck that! I was cool! Being an 11 year old kid that jocked Suicidal is way cooler than being into MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice or whatever was popular at the time.



Anyhow, as far as the record goes, needless to say, every fucking song on here is a classic! If I had to pick just one as my favorite, I guess it would be the first song, "Suicide's An Alternative," because I still listen to it when I'm confused and angry at the world and want to break shit and/or kill people. As someone on their Youtube comments said, "Best 'fuck the world and myself included' lyrics of all time." It's pretty clear that 16 spent plenty of time jamming Suicidal when they were kids, too. I also love the breakdown in that song where he's going on about making a deal with Satan or whatever. I still don't really get what that's all about, but it's fucking cool and that's an awesome riff.

I shot Reagan! I shot the pope!

All the other songs on this record are classics, too, and I could literally write page after page about each one, but I won't. I also really liked how they weren't afraid to have ass-ripping metal solos in the mix. I mean, "Institutionalized" is like one big fucking solo. I'm 30 years old, and listening to this right now at my desk makes me want to drink a 40, write on other people's shit, and punch a fuckin' cop in the face!

Sick of people - no ones real
Sick of chicks - they're all bitches
Sick of you - you're too hip
Sick of life - it sucks

Suicide's an alternative

Sick of trying - what's the point
Sick of talking - no one listens
Sick of listening - it's all lies
Sick of thinking - just end up confused
Sick of moving - never get no where
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of life - it sucks

Sick of politics - for the rich
Sick of power - only oppresses
Sick of government - full of tyrants
Sick of school - total brainwash
Sick of music - top 40 sucks
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of life - it sucks

Suicide's an alternative

Sick of life - it sucks
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick of living - I'm gonna die

Join The Army (1987)
The most obvious thing to say about this record, of course, is that this album is when Suicidal stopped being a hardcore band and started being a metal band. And let me tell you, this record is metal as fuck!! They came down with a serious case of chopaholism, lots of choppity-choppity-chop riffing going on here in songs like "Looking In Your Eyes." There's also lots of monster slam riffs, like the one at the beginning of "Suicidal Maniac." By the way, that reminds me of something we left off the thrash metal checklist: a song about some kind of killer thrash metal warrior-mascot and how awesome it/he is (see also Megadeth "Psychotron").

I think of this record as their "Breeding The Spawn": a potential classic hampered by awful, muddy production. There are some really great songs on here like "Cyco," "Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right," and of course "Possessed to Skate," but the terrible production makes it hard to listen to them.



I love the video for "Possessed to Skate" for so many reasons! Again, I could seriously make a whole post just about this video because nearly every frame is priceless, but I'll just include a brief version here for the sake of completeness.

Why is he using such an enormous pen to do his calculus?!

Even at 12 years old, I knew it was funny that he used that skinny little microphone like Bob Barker on The Price Is Right.

This was the beginning of my 20-year love affair with graffiti, especially Southern California styles. Next stop, CBS, MSK, AWR, LTS and KOG!

It's not an 80s thrash video without a cabinet TV! See also Megadeth: "I wanna watch the news!!"

Shit, I don't even know what to say about them pulling the plug out to drain the pool... Amazing!! Mind = blown!

On another note, the cover of this record is highly disturbing! I am not sure what they were trying to communicate with that image of the crazy guy with a crazy face made of silly putty pointing at you?? He sort of reminds me of Solid Snake, and it's also pretty impressive how crisp his serratus are! This is also when they switched over to their metal logo, with a sweet airbrushed gradient in it to make it look like it was actually made of metal (as was the style at the time).

How Will I Laugh (1988)
Let's be honest, this record is pretty much total crap. I mean it's kind of fun to listen to with your nostalgia-tinted headphones on, but it's not exactly a classic. The only song I really like is "Surf & Slam," and even then it's only because it reminds me of the T&C Surf video game for NES. I was pretty shocked when the singer of that hardcore band Inhuman told me this was his favorite Suicidal record. Also, the video for "Trip At The Brain" is pretty funny! I should post about that one too, there are some great moments. Here's a pretty cool death metal cover of it.

Needless to say, I thought this was the coolest fucking house ever and when I was 13, I wanted to live there more than anything I have ever wanted!!

But man, I love the cover of this record so much!! Mike Muir just came from a car club meeting with those ridiculous pants and wifebeater, Bob Heathcote looks like he should be running a drill press at some metal shop, and Rocky George begins the proud tradition of the Pirates hat. Then there is the guy in the brown shirt who actually looks pretty cool except that, thanks to Municipal Waste or whatever, you'd think he's some kind of jerky "thrash revival" kid.

Controlled By Hatred (1989)
Fuck yes!! This is my second-favorite Suicidal record, I love it a lot! As many of you probably know, a bunch of these songs are re-recorded versions of No Mercy songs, which are way better than the originals because the production on the No Mercy LP makes "Breeding The Spawn" sound like an audiophile's wet dream. These songs have a cool thrashy, punk vibe that takes you back to the early days of Suicidal, only with crisp metal production- kind of like that Slayer covers record (which I think is also really good despite not being a big Slayer fan).



The best track on here is "Master of No Mercy," which I have always thought was their most underrated song (technically it is No Mercy song, I guess). If you can make it through the chorus without aggressively headbanging at your co-workers or roommates, you're a stronger man than I am. I just got up yelled, "He's the arsenic in your Kool-Aid, he's the bomb in your mail!!" at the girl whose desk is across from mine! Seriously, what an awesome thrash song! I don't know who or what the Master of No Mercy is, but I am sure he's bad as fuck!

This is from the Excel MySpace, but might as well have been one of my 8th grade binder covers

I remember seeing some piece (graffiti) years ago that had "Master of No Mercy" written next to it and I was pretty stoked, like "Yeah, that dude knows what's up!" I think it was Orfn, but it might have been Fate or something, I don't remember. In any case, I love this song and this whole album a lot! I could probably do without the "Heavy Emotion Version" of "How Will I Laugh Tomorrow," but nothing is perfect so whatever.

The guy on the left is an American Apparel model we photoshopped in

The cover is also awesome. I've drawn that ST probably hundreds of times, and I definitely spent lots of time trying to copy the sick cholo writing on the lyric sheet. Fast forward to 2009 and I'm 30 years old, still doodling cholo-inspired graffiti on every piece of paper I come near (ask everybody I work with). Like I said, Suicidal is basically how I got into everything I've been into for my adult life. Having just typed that, I feel a little silly about being so captivated by a band, especially one who went on to be as abominable as Suicidal, but what can you do??


Lights Camera Revolution (1990)
Perhaps it's my nostalgia goggles at work, but I'd like to think this record isn't complete shit. I mean it's definitely not great, but it has its moments for sure. "Send Me Your Money" is the prerequisite attack on corruption with organized religion. "Alone" is a touching, heartfelt song about Cyco Miko feeling lonely. I'd like to think that the 19 year-old Mike from the first album would have shanked Cyco Miko for being a sensitive pussy, but who knows? Without access to the Nocturnus time machine, we can never be sure.



"You Can't Bring Me Down" is, of course, the highlight of the record. I mean, it's the origin of the "Charles Manson eating Froot Loops on your front porch" tag, which is right up there with "Things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine." The video is pretty sweet, but I'm getting sleepy so I might have to save the frame-by-frame analysis for another post.

Apparently this is the current Suicidal lineup?? I have no fucking clue who any of these people are other than Mike Muir. He could at least bring Brooks Wackerman back.

All their other shit (1990-present)
Because I like Suicidal so much, I'm just going to pretend none of this exists. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything, right? I did kind of like that song "Psycho Vision" or whatever that they had in one of the earlier Tony Hawk Pro Skater games I played a lot (THPS2 for Dreamcast is the best IMO).

Without Suicidal, we would never have been blessed with Despise You. And a world without Despise You is one that I don't want to live in!!