God Bless The Internet

"I pledge allegiance to my gut, and my big pants, and my wallet chain, and my sweet flaming shoes"

As I've stated before, the thing that makes metal and metal fans so amazing, is their/our general lack of self-awareness. Though I certainly see the humor in my wearing what basically equated to a Pungent Stench dress in 1992 (damn Blue Grape Merchandise, and their oversized shirts), I really didn't then. It's with this in mind that I bring you the coolest, most metal guy on the internet. Ever. If you ever wondered whatever happened to that sweaty, shirtless guy who kept bumping into you at the Testament show back in '91, here's your answer.

Note:
Whenever I do posts like this, in which I merely share images or video I find to be funny with our readers, I get blamed of providing content with no substance...but I ask you: For a blog whose bread and butter is posts about Forced Entry, Blue Grape and Dannys Spitz' watchmaking business...what do you expect? The great American novel?

Uh...uhhm...oh, damn. Where do I even start? Jesus, maybe I'll just point out the not-so-obvious, nice booties..and nice stuffed Garfield on your right hand.




This shirt has made the entire world collectively depressed. As a result, NASA will now use satellites to make Prozac rain down upon us. Thanks you douche, all this just because you wanted to bang the chubby goth broad with the spider tattoo . I hope you're happy.



As all cool metal guys, this guy also has great Photoshop skillz...and he puts them to use in order to pose in front of Sarah Palin? I'm so confused. Also, judging by his jewelery, he must sell his wares to Chuck Billy.

"Yeah, turn on the fan so that my hair will photograph well. Wait, can you see the NASA patch in the picture? Make sure the NASA patch comes out."

An enchanting and hella gothic Fall playlist

Here at the Metal Inquisition compound, it's beginning to get a bit chilly. The duck pond behind Building C should freeze over soon, which is our informal signal that winter is upon us. And as the seasons change, so do the contents of our iPods. Here is what I listen to in the fall:

Evanescence
Amy Lee is definitely not that hot, especially when she's on the chubbier side (see above- yikes!!), but would I? You bet. Even when her muffin top spills out the bottom of her corset. Also, they have many, awesome, hella gothic songs that fill me with angst. I love to walk around the food court at the mall listening to "My Immortal" and thinking about how I am completely alone in the world, spending every ounce of my energy to hold myself back from slashing my wrists and kissing this vicious world goodbye. Then I will go to Auntie Anne's for a pretzel and wash it down with a venti Frappucino. In any case, Evanescence are totally sweet and thank god they kicked out the dumb fat guy that used to sing with Amy.



Never Enough
Gothic mall rock is a great soundtrack for fall, and the perfect complement is hella gothic industrial mall metal. Never Enough is an awesome band with 2 people from 18 Visions doing their best to channel Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails. If you liked the last 18V record then you will love this band. When I listen to Never Enough, I want to put on fingerless fishnet gloves, turn out all the lights, and embrace the darkness while I watch Nightmare Before Christmas and cut myself. Don't forget to watch this tour of the drummer's hella gothic apartment in hella gothic Irvine, CA!


Lacuna Coil
Holy shit, could Cristina Scabbia be any hotter? If I met her, I would say "Ciao bella," take her hand, and give it a single kiss as I looked deeply into her eyes. She would giggle, a little emabarrased by my forwardness, but she would also be enchanted by my traditional, European manner of courtship. Then we would have sex. Anyhow, Lacuna Coil are an excellent band but they suffer from the same thing as Evanescence. Namely, the lame, ugly douchebag that sings sometimes. They should consider smothering him with a pillow on the tour bus. Nobody will miss him, and it's one less mouth to feed on tour. Perhaps Gene Hoglan's Balls will continue the discussion of Lacuna Coil by posting some good Italian phrases for me to say to Cristina.



Moevot
There is nothing like some good dark/black ambient on a cold fall morning. Abruptum are the masters of the genre, but they're a little too aggro for fall if you ask me. I enjoy listening to the melancholy, obscure strains of Moevot as the temperature drops and my soul becomes steeped in misery, depression, and self-hatred. At first I am afraid of what I feel, then I begin to welcome the cold touch of darkness! I become a creature of the night, and to show the world that I have emerged from my dark cocoon, I must transform myself into an elegant gothic aristocrat:

I am not sure exactly what elegant gothic aristocrats do when they're not shopping for top hats, but I am pretty certain that I can't listen to wigger slam or pornogrind anymore, so I took all the Gut and Soils of Fate songs off my iPod. I replaced them with songs from the Mana Khemia and Persona 3 soundtracks, added Dir En Grey to my Myspace friends, and started reading Shojo Beat. I think I am off to a good start!


That's all, folks
That concludes my Fall playlist. What are your favorite, hella gothic jams for the season??