Stop

Yeah. Seriously. (Image courtesy of AHTBM.)

It's official, I'm old and no longer understand what these young whippersnappers are into

I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time. As someone who aged prematurely, the day when youngsters and the music they produce would cease to make sense was sure to come. Well, it has arrived. I would imagine that many of you have already heard this band, I certainly hadn't...so I'd like to share it with those of you who are in the dark about such musical developments. Much like my grumpy old neighbor, the one who's always angry and fails to understand even the most basic aspects of life today, I too shall be fading into the sunset.


via All Hail The Black Market

Hottest fashion accessory of the season: The dragon bag

Not just a fashion accessory, this bag has magical powers. Embedded deep within its leather eyes, are magic crystals that keep the opposite sex at least 50 feet away at all times.

When I think back to some of the things I've worn in my lifetime I cringe. Like any other true fashion pioneer, I was fearless. At my lowest point, I was a mix between a death metal fan, and a gang-banger from the movie Blood In Blood Out. To say I was confused is an understatement.

Is it weird that I wanted to look like these guys? Most metal fans would say "yes, very weird indeed", but the guys in Excruciating Terror would surely understand.

However badly I dressed, and perhaps continue to (what do I know?) I have to say that I was truly amazed and bewildered upon finding the dragon bag that you can see above. Out of all the fashion arenas into which I dipped my toes during my youth (and there are many), I'm proud to say that I never went into any kind of a goth direction. Not the black metal/goth route, not the NIN/goth route, not the The Cure/goth route, not the Nightmare Before Christmas/goth route. I know this is not saying much, but when you've been steeped in stupidity for long periods of time (as I have) you have to take both comfort and pride in the little things.

Nice lunchbox, what's in there...your balls?

Today, perhaps more than ever before, the line between goth and metal is blurred, at least to a partial outsider like me. When I used to Tivo Headbanger's Ball a couple of years ago, I was amazed by how many bands had female singers and dudes in bondage pants. Call me an old man, but I miss the days when musical styles and the fashions that went with them were clearely defined. Bermuda shorts and skateboard? Ah...you must be an Anthrax fan, good to meet you. Leather jacket, bullet belt, Slayer shirt and black boots? You, sir, are a speed metal fan...the pleasure is all mine.

Sometime around 1995, the world went upside down. Metal guys starting wearing bigger pants (even Chris Barnes wore JNCO jeans), then came the skate shoes and fashion accessories from other subcultures. When metal dudes started shaving their heads, I knew it was all over. By the time goth started to creep in (by way of black metal usually) I knew it was all over. Today, I found the picture of the dragon bag and I began to dream. I began to dream about a simpler time. A time when metal was metal, goth was goth and you knew where people stood. A time before ICP blended metal, with pseudo hip-hop and stupdity.

Is it male or female? Does it make a difference?

Once I saw a picture of this bag/monstrosity I began to wonder just how many misguided metal fans are out there, dreaming of rocking this thing along with an oversized Craddle Of Filth shirt, maybe sweet fishnet arm things, and those big bondage pants that appear to be all the rage in that subculture. In a way, you almost have to give these people credit, they have managed to make themselves unlikable at a time when you can like metal and all kinds of stupid music and still get plenty of action while you are still in high school.

Duh, doesn't he know that gray makes you look fat?

So while the picture of the bag will no doubt depress most people who have any sense of decency, it actually cheers me up. Today I can proudly say that there is at least one horrible metal trend that never had me as an active participant. Hoooray for me!

The Mortiis Toejob*

When he's not busy making shitty music, Morttis enjoys worshipping feet.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't get foot fetishes. Sure, I can appreciate a nice pair of feet, but my appreciation ends at "hey, nice feet," before moving on to a much more interesting body part, like the ass. I've never gotten a boner from looking at someone's feet, I've never sucked on anyone's toes (okay, maybe once, but I was really drunk!), and I certainly don't want to be jerked off by someone's feet. Mortiis, on the other hand, is a bonda fide foot fanatic.

If you're as ugly as Mortiis is (I think the elf makeup and prosthetics is actually an improvement over his real face) you take what you can get. In this case, all he could get was a fat, ugly pig by the name of Sarah Jezebel Deva. Sarah is a backup singer for Cradle of Filth (I didn't even KNOW Cradle of Filth had backup singers!?) and lead singer for her own shitty band, Angtoria. Well, apparently things got a little hot and heavy one day while on tour and Mortiis just could not contain himself. He simply HAD to have Sarah's chubby, callused toes in his mouth. Sarah was kind enough to bless the world with the following photograph of Mortiis caught in the act, knuckle deep.

This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on Metal Inquisition.

Judging from the caption, Sarah's command of the English language is equal to that of your average teenager. Pretty sad when you consider she's 31 years old. Using "u" instead of "you," adding unnecessary apostrophes, misspelling common words, using "cos" instead of "because," and using excessive punctuation. As if you couldn't already tell just by looking at a picture of her that Sarah is retarded. Not to mention the fact that the caption itself is so fucking vile it makes my stomach turn. The thought of sucking on Sarah's pudgy, sweaty toes after a day of walking around London in the blazing sun makes suicide sound like a pleasant idea. There isn't enough alcohol on Earth to get me to put those toes in my mouth.

As for the authenticity of this photo, I'm no photography expert, but all of my internet detective work points to it being real. Same horrific face, same shitty tattoos. You be the judge!

*Thanks to reader Darley Green for the story!

God Bless The Internet

"I pledge allegiance to my gut, and my big pants, and my wallet chain, and my sweet flaming shoes"

As I've stated before, the thing that makes metal and metal fans so amazing, is their/our general lack of self-awareness. Though I certainly see the humor in my wearing what basically equated to a Pungent Stench dress in 1992 (damn Blue Grape Merchandise, and their oversized shirts), I really didn't then. It's with this in mind that I bring you the coolest, most metal guy on the internet. Ever. If you ever wondered whatever happened to that sweaty, shirtless guy who kept bumping into you at the Testament show back in '91, here's your answer.

Note:
Whenever I do posts like this, in which I merely share images or video I find to be funny with our readers, I get blamed of providing content with no substance...but I ask you: For a blog whose bread and butter is posts about Forced Entry, Blue Grape and Dannys Spitz' watchmaking business...what do you expect? The great American novel?

Uh...uhhm...oh, damn. Where do I even start? Jesus, maybe I'll just point out the not-so-obvious, nice booties..and nice stuffed Garfield on your right hand.




This shirt has made the entire world collectively depressed. As a result, NASA will now use satellites to make Prozac rain down upon us. Thanks you douche, all this just because you wanted to bang the chubby goth broad with the spider tattoo . I hope you're happy.



As all cool metal guys, this guy also has great Photoshop skillz...and he puts them to use in order to pose in front of Sarah Palin? I'm so confused. Also, judging by his jewelery, he must sell his wares to Chuck Billy.

"Yeah, turn on the fan so that my hair will photograph well. Wait, can you see the NASA patch in the picture? Make sure the NASA patch comes out."

The Worst Album Covers of 2008

I don't know about the whole world, but this cover is certainly setting my brain on fire. What an eyesore. I know a lot of people hate Dave Mustaine, but how can you not respect the guy? Even after being kicked out Metallica and crying in Some Kind of Monster he will not give up. He just keeps on toiling in obscurity hoping that someday his shitty, second tier thrash band will get their due and he will become a hero to millions and everyone will know that he riffs faster than everyone else. Dave Mustaine is the embodiement of the American dream. One that shattered into a million pieces decades ago.


Yeah, I get it. The drummer and guitarists are SO good! It doesn't matter that their music is boring as fuck, just listen to their skillz! The guitarists are so original and earth-shattering that their guitars have 7 strings instead of 6! That's 3 more guitar strings than Max Cavalera has on his guitar! That extra string really helps them write the SICKEST most wicked crazy squiggly wiggly guitar solos and chugga chugga riffs. And the drummer!!!! I could go on for days about how he plays the CRAZIEST time signatures!! Like I can't even figure out what's going on when I listen to him play because he's THAT CRAZY!!! Is that in 3/23 or 6/76ths???? I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT BECAUSE IT'S TOO HARD!!!! And just like how their music is beyond human comprehension so is their album cover. Is that a chubby bald dude with a little paunch meditating covered in blood? And is that THREE arms I spy??? Dude's got some pretty big areolas. And what is OBZEN??? It's like a word from outer space!


I chose to post this Origin cover, but I could just have easily posted any number of album covers by brutal death metal bands because they're all the same fucking thing. Some bullshit looking hyperstylized monster/machine hybrid. This shit is so lame and played out. It looks sterile and lifeless, which is exactly what all these bands sound like. Not brutal!


I'm a hetersexual male and I love Judas Priest. I'm all for gay rights and I think Rob Halford co-opting gay leather-daddy culture and reclaiming it for metal was a brilliant move, but is there anything sadder than an old wrinkly leather daddy? You had your time, Rob. Don't ruin your legacy by trying to make a couple extra bucks. It ain't worth it. I haven't listened to this album, but I'm sure it sucks. Spooky prophecies and a disembodied head floating in space? Where's the leather and spikes, at least?


Are you fucking kidding me?? A band really used this as their album cover? What the fuck!? I've never even heard this band, but I guarantee they're wacky thrash. The band members are probably in their early to mid 20s and wear tight jeans, hightop sneakers, and denim vests covered in band patches and pins. Well, guess what? Dark Angel called from 1986 and they want their schtick back because you are a fucking embarassment to metal. A plague that should be wiped off the face of the earth. Paul Baloff is spinning in his grave. When will it end?


Full disclosure: I really like DragonForce. Yeah, I know that makes me a huge homo and a poseur and whatever else, but I don't care. These dudes fucking shred and are so over-the-top ridiculous I can't help but love them. But even I can't condone this album cover. Somone has been watching too much Ghost in the Machine or something. This album cover might actually have worked if it was a picture of a real chick decked out from some cosplay convention.

Why does Exciter even still exist in 2008? It's like telling everyone you know that you just bought the COOLEST rotary phone ever!! Will metal dinosaurs ever learn? These clowns must be gluttons for punishment. This the dumbest album cover I've ever seen and what could have been an acceptable album title for a bunch of 20 somethings in a thrash band 20 years ago is now beyond sad coming from a bunch of washed up 40 year old accountants. This cover really is an embarassment because Exciter is responsible for some of the greatest and most unforgetable cover art in the history of thrash metal.


Sorry Glen, but Pungent Stench did it better 17 years ago. And your new album sucks. You put out a killer comback album before this that no one saw coming. You should have quit while you were ahead, but you got cocky and you thought you could it again. You were wrong.


I don't even know where to begin with this one. Everything is wrong and horrible and I'm getting physically angry just looking at this piece of shit. Who even listens to this band anymore? I guess if you're really that stupid, then you deserve this.


Is it too much to ask for even a little effort from black metal bands? A 6 year old could have made this cover in art class with a pair of scissors, some construction paper, and a glue stick. Warmasters? I sure as fuck wouldn't want this chode fighting on my side if I had to go to war.


Hahahahaha... okay, at least this one is kind of funny. Of course it still sucks, but at least I'm not filled with rage when I look at it.


A woman in a futuristic spandex suit gliding through the air with some weird shit coming out of her back. I like Alex P. Keaton's hoverboard better. I haven't listened to Soilet Green since I was in high school, but if this cover is any indication my guess is they sound like teen bop now.


Never ones to shy away from shocking imagery, Cradle of Filth have always embraced controversy. They're bound to stir up quite a controversy with this piece of shit cover. Nothing like computer generated blasphemous religious imagery. Keep on pushing the boundaries of good taste, guys.


I don't know anything about this band. I don't remember how I came across this album cover, but I thought I should include it in my list because when you name your band Wykked Wytch it's like you're inviting the entire world to make fun of you mercilessly.


We've already covered this one in detail, but no list of the worst album covers of 2008 would be complete without it. A coffin surrounded by fingerprints? I don't even care to guess anymore. At least they got Pushead to do the art for that piece of shit St. Anger.


Uhhhh... okay. Why not just go to the library and look up "concentration camps" in the Encyclopedia Britannica then photocopy whatever pictures they have and use that instead of having someone waste their time, money, and effort to pain this piece of shit.


This is another one I thought I should include because it's just so fucking dumb that I can't help but laugh when I look at it. My guess is that they were going for some real menacing underwater creature, but instead they got Jimmy the friendly octopus. Look at his little mouth in the middle, it looks like he's cracking a smile.


I'm kind of torn about this one because it could easily be the worst/best album cover of 2008. To be on the safe though I'm going to go ahead and include it on this list. I know Yngwie shreds hard, but to insinuate that he shreds SO hard that he makes his guitar neck catch fire is a bit hard to believe. Much respect for showing off the hairy chest and gold chain, but when did Yngwie start looking like Steven Segal? Dude even wears kimonos now.




This is one of those covers that makes me want to reach into my computer screen and punch it square in the fucking face. I hate everything about it, just like the Ugly Kid Joe.

An enchanting and hella gothic Fall playlist

Here at the Metal Inquisition compound, it's beginning to get a bit chilly. The duck pond behind Building C should freeze over soon, which is our informal signal that winter is upon us. And as the seasons change, so do the contents of our iPods. Here is what I listen to in the fall:

Evanescence
Amy Lee is definitely not that hot, especially when she's on the chubbier side (see above- yikes!!), but would I? You bet. Even when her muffin top spills out the bottom of her corset. Also, they have many, awesome, hella gothic songs that fill me with angst. I love to walk around the food court at the mall listening to "My Immortal" and thinking about how I am completely alone in the world, spending every ounce of my energy to hold myself back from slashing my wrists and kissing this vicious world goodbye. Then I will go to Auntie Anne's for a pretzel and wash it down with a venti Frappucino. In any case, Evanescence are totally sweet and thank god they kicked out the dumb fat guy that used to sing with Amy.



Never Enough
Gothic mall rock is a great soundtrack for fall, and the perfect complement is hella gothic industrial mall metal. Never Enough is an awesome band with 2 people from 18 Visions doing their best to channel Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails. If you liked the last 18V record then you will love this band. When I listen to Never Enough, I want to put on fingerless fishnet gloves, turn out all the lights, and embrace the darkness while I watch Nightmare Before Christmas and cut myself. Don't forget to watch this tour of the drummer's hella gothic apartment in hella gothic Irvine, CA!


Lacuna Coil
Holy shit, could Cristina Scabbia be any hotter? If I met her, I would say "Ciao bella," take her hand, and give it a single kiss as I looked deeply into her eyes. She would giggle, a little emabarrased by my forwardness, but she would also be enchanted by my traditional, European manner of courtship. Then we would have sex. Anyhow, Lacuna Coil are an excellent band but they suffer from the same thing as Evanescence. Namely, the lame, ugly douchebag that sings sometimes. They should consider smothering him with a pillow on the tour bus. Nobody will miss him, and it's one less mouth to feed on tour. Perhaps Gene Hoglan's Balls will continue the discussion of Lacuna Coil by posting some good Italian phrases for me to say to Cristina.



Moevot
There is nothing like some good dark/black ambient on a cold fall morning. Abruptum are the masters of the genre, but they're a little too aggro for fall if you ask me. I enjoy listening to the melancholy, obscure strains of Moevot as the temperature drops and my soul becomes steeped in misery, depression, and self-hatred. At first I am afraid of what I feel, then I begin to welcome the cold touch of darkness! I become a creature of the night, and to show the world that I have emerged from my dark cocoon, I must transform myself into an elegant gothic aristocrat:

I am not sure exactly what elegant gothic aristocrats do when they're not shopping for top hats, but I am pretty certain that I can't listen to wigger slam or pornogrind anymore, so I took all the Gut and Soils of Fate songs off my iPod. I replaced them with songs from the Mana Khemia and Persona 3 soundtracks, added Dir En Grey to my Myspace friends, and started reading Shojo Beat. I think I am off to a good start!


That's all, folks
That concludes my Fall playlist. What are your favorite, hella gothic jams for the season??