In case you missed the first part of this post, you should know that two of Metal Inquistion's finest writers are going to Spain and Andorra, not to see some horrible metal festival, but to see the Tour De France as it makes it's way through those two countries. In celebration, we will now take a closer look at Spain's offerings and culture in the realm of metal.
Many bands from Spain are merely fifth rate rip offs of more established shit bands. Want proof? Just look at Spanish shit-music pioneers Nu. Have you ever had the unfortunate luck of listening to Jethro Tull? If you have, then you've also heard these guys. Spanish lesson for today: How to say "the flute is the most phallic instrument ever, and all those who play the flute were probably molested as children", repeat after me class "La flauta es el instrumento mas falico del mundo, y todos los que tocan la flauta probablemente fueron abusados sexualmente cuando eran niños."
This particular black metal band from Spain is really not trying hard enough. Just look at their ill-conceived stage props. Who could possibly hang themselves from a noose that is two feet off the floor?
I can just imagine the email that the band members sent the "artist" who drew this cover. Once translated into English, it went a little something like this: "So the logo will totally be made of steel, and should have rivets! Don't forget the rivets, they are very important. From the logo, lightning should come down, and be hitting both the statue that we mentioned in our last email, but also the human heart that the guy will be holding on his right hand. Oh and by the way, please make sure that the guy holding the heart looks exactly like Dog The Bounty Hunter, and please make sure that his hands are permanently locked in an action figure-like kung-fu grip.
I don't know which part to laugh at first, the perspective or the misshaped roulette wheel. Having said that, I have to say that I admire the artists' ability to render the creases in both fabrics and leather. This guy must have been trained by artistic master who gave the world the sublime rendering of drapes on the cover of Death Angel's Act III
If your mom asks you to go cut down some of the weeds in the back yard, don't take it as a worthless chore. If you are truly committed to being grim, you should see it as an opportunity to be grim as fuck.
In an attempt to bring Spain into this century, the police have been rounding up metal douchebags on a daily basis, and sterilizing them in order to prevent them from breeding. Although some are protesting that these round-ups reek of Franco-era tactics, I see them as being both unimportant, and unnecessary. Why spend tax payer's money sterilizing these individuals, when their denim vests already act as a kryptonite-like deterrant against all females?
Put aside you preconceived notions about men with shaved legs and spandex shorts for a minute. Look, this is a sport where a Norwegian guy named Thor bleeds all over himself as though he were doing a photo shoot for a Mayhem album cover. Not bad, not bad at all.
Breaking news from the Metal Inquisition headquarters, news big enough for me to post my usual Friday piece on Thursday. What's the big news you ask? Two of Metal Inquisition's finest (myself and Mr Skullkrusher) are heading over to Europe in just a few weeks. Why are we going to Europe you ask? That's a perfectly valid question. Are we going to Europe in order to catch some sweet metal festivals? No. Are we going to Europe in order to find where Euronymous' Helvet record store was, in order to laugh uncontrollably while standing in front of it (since it's now a bakery)? Nope. Are going in order to visit the slightly pathetic Cliff Burton memorial that was erected miles away from the site of his accident, and without support of the band or his family? Nah.
You see, we are going to Europe for a much cooler reason. We are going so that we can watch the Tour De France live and in person, as it makes it's way through northeast Spain and Andorra for a few days. What could be more metal than that? (Please don't answer that question.) Although it's tempting, I'm not going to bore you with more details about the trip and my extreme excitement about the whole thing. While perhaps it would be cooler to go to Belgium to see the spring classics, this was an opportunity that presented itself and had to be taken. In order to not focus on cycling, and because our marketing department has determined that all posts relating to sports must be about cricket (due to the international nature of our readership), I will instead write about what Spain has to offer in the realm of metal. Oh, and for any of you that live in Spain, if you manage to spot us in the huge crowds, simply say the magic password and you'll get a prize. The magic password/phrase is:
"M.O.D. was both derivative and self referential in a post-modern sense"
If you successfully spot us, and deliver this line verbatim, you will win one of my most highly prized metal possessions....my cassette of Benediction's "meh" inducing "Subconscious Terror" album.
Before I move on to the primary content of this piece, allow me to make one final point about cycling being metal. Look for yourself, and tell me that the picture of Thor Hushovd wouldn't make for a pretty good black metal album cover. Check it out, side by side with an actual Mayhem cover.
Not too bad huh? Aside from the bright green bib shorts, I think it's pretty good. I mean, you can also argue about the fact that he's wearing a yellow jersey...but hey...Dead was wearing a white "I Love Transylvania" shirt when this picture was taken...so it all evens out. By the way, if you're wondering what the white text says, it's a phrase I ran through one of those online translators. The name of the brutal album would be: "Thor falls while wearing the yellow jersey". Look, when you know what it says, it's not that evil...but just looking at it...it works. *
* Leave it up to me to spend like six minutes in Photoshop in order to make a joke about Mayhem and Thor Hushovd that a grand total of two people worldwide will really get. Ehhh.
Okay, with these formalities out of the way, let's move on to taking a closer look at Spain's offerings in the realm of metal. Enjoy.
I don't care where you live, I don't care what type of metal you're into...I think we can ALL agree about one thing: nothing says "extreme metal brutality" like three pairs of fuchsia jeans in one picture. While American fans are barely trying when it comes to their attire, dudes in Spain are rocking jeans in colors that are rarely seen in nature, let alone in clothing. Take that American fuckers!
Spain has really weird traditions. You've probably heard about the running of the bulls in Pamplona, perhaps you also know about the Tomatina festival. A lesser known festival from Spain takes place once a year in San Sebastian. In that celebration, metal fans from throughout the region gather to discuss the validity of Destruction's early recordings for hours upon hours, to see who the last man standing will be. Slowly, lesser competitors fall asleep as they talk, leaving behind the lone "Campeon De Destruction" who will hold his title for one full year. If you thought going to Pamplona and getting gorged by a bull straight into your rectum was painful, you should try listening to these guys talk about Infernal Overkill for eighteen hours straight.
In some parts of Europe, it's common for semi-grown men to still live with their parents. The upside of this arrangment? Free rent, and the fact that your mom will wash your jean vest (taking extra care to make sure that your Sarcofago patch doesn't come off in the wash.) The downside? Mom makes you take out the garbage when you're in full metal uniform. What's a metal fan to do when confronted with such an inconvenience? If you're like this guy, you see metal opportunities where others see obstacles. Don't let chores slow you down, rock those fucking chores! Take out that fucking garbage. Metal, and metal attitude should never take a holiday. Just look at this guy and learn, this fucker could make yard work look metal.
Some have said that the Catholic church is too powerful in Spain, and that as a result homophobia is on the rise. I disagree. When you see flagrant displays of homosexuality such as the ones by the singer of Angeles Del Infierno, you have to applaud the church's changing views as well as their leniant policies.
Son: "No Papi, that's not what I'm saying at all...I'm saying that Baron Rojo and other bands from Spain are valid, but Sarcofago and Vulcano were lightyears ahead of their time, you know? Also, Beherit merely used that sound and that type of production as a crutch, so I don't know that their contributions were valid at all."
Father: "Uh...okay, fine. Sure, sure. But seriously, when are you and your collection of fingerless gloves moving out of our fucking house? Your mom and I seriously want you out of our fucking lives once and for all."
They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That's all fine and good, but can we also say that it's the sincerest form of unimaginative plagiarism?
* Top image is of a tribute record of bands from Argentina, covering Baron Rojo, who are from Spain.
"So I was thinking, we can use my sister's drawing at the top of the picture...we can just photoshop it in there. Juan, you can make a wooden manhole cover, just remember to glue some bottle caps on it....what else, what else. Oh yeah, I just remembered. It would be super awesome if we had a shadowy rendering of the Enterprise kinda' like behind us, it would add a grim, outespsace kinda' feel to the picture."
Not to get too personal, but last Wednesday at 10:13 PM Eastern Daylight Time my girlfriend broke up with me. This after I made out with, fingered, and got a blowjob from one of her co-workers in a bathroom during her sister's birthday party the weekend prior. So she had plenty of reason to do so. Now that the faint smell of strange tang has faded from my fingers I have come to realize the error of my ways and greatly regret doing what I did, but it's too late. All that's left to do now is sink into an alcohol and pill fueled depression. Here's what I'll be listening to as I try not to feed my head to a wood chipper.
Crowbar - Time Heals Nothing This song pretty much sums up Crowbar's entire career.Oppressively heavy, musically and lyrically, this song is a constant reminder of the futility of living. What's the point of living when you've got nothing to live for?
Saint Vitus - Dying Inside I can't think of any other song that more accurately describes how I feel right now. Take a listen, and pay close attention to the lyrics.
Alice in Chains - Dirt If you needed some extra motivationor inspiration to take your life, I'dsuggest listening to this album, ASAP.Layne Staley took his life with a monster speedball, but not before leaving us with this masterpiece of depression.Never before has intravenous drug use sounded like such an appealing way to end the pain.
Eyehategod - Everything Complete and total negativity. A bunch of strung out, fucked up junkies basically taunting you, cheering you on as you end it all. Go ahead, do it. You'll be happier, and no one will miss you.
Amy Winehouse - Back to Black No fucking joke, this album kills me. It's an endless parade of misery. Song after song about failed relationships and substance abuse all wrapped up in a nice, glossy poppy package. Except that Amy can actually sing and all of the songs are legitimately heartbreaking. Their seriousness is only reaffirmed by the endless media coverage of Amy's legendary meltdowns which include beating up her fans, getting beaten up by her boyfriend, and smoking crack. For someone that's only 25, Amy has done some serious hard living. Black Flag - Nothing Left Inside If anyone understand my pain, it's Henry Rollins. The undisputed king ofmanfeelings, Hank knows what it's like to have loved and lost. This song, and the whole album, is one of the purest expressions of anger, frustration, and pain I've ever heard. When you're close to the edge all it takes is Hank bellowing "NOOOOOOOTTTHHHHINNG LEFFFTTTT INNSSSIIIIIIDDEEEE!!" to make you want to jump. Roy Orbison - Everything I fucking defy you to listen to "In Dreams" or "Crying" when depressed and not reach for a sharp object. There's just something about Roy's voice and the words he sings that make my heart drop and my chest tighten. Maybe it had to do with the amount of tragedy he experienced. His first wife died in a motorcycle accident and two of his five sons died in a housefire. That's a lot of heavy shit to go through and though he didn't end his own life he certainly makes me want to end mine when I listen to his music.
Chris Isaak - Forever Blue If a good looking dude like Chris Isaak can't even hold onto a lady, then what hope does a regular schlub like me have?This album is relentless misery. Tale after tale of love lost. It's really hard to listen to after a while, especially if you're trying to get over having lost someone yourself. I mean, Christ, if you were bangingthis chick and she left wouldn't you want to end it all?
Buzzoven - Sore See Eyehategod. G.G. Allin - Freaks, Faggots, Drunks, and Junkies A God among men, G.G. is legendary for practicing what he preached. How many men with penises the size of a baby's pinky would flaunt that shit like they were packing a magnum? Only a troubled genius like GG could write such unforgettable songs as "Die When You Die," "Commit Suicide," and "I Wanna Kill You." Only an angel, too beautiful for this world, could pen the following lines:
If you're listening to this song And everything is going wrong Take a chance on the other side Let's go over the edge
Fuck the pigs, fuck the folks Death is where it's at Use a gun, use a knife Take some pills, take your life
Slit your throat, slit your wrists Go over the edge INXS - Never Tear Us Apart Autoerotic asphyxiation. That's some way to go.
Lady Gaga - Just Dance I actually like this song, but it was stuck in my head for two days last week and it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend so whenever I hear it now I want to die, immediately. Please, indulge yourself.
That's all for now, ladies and gentlemen. I've got a noose to tie. See you on the other side!
Between the winter and my pending divorce, I'm pretty bummed these days, and naturally my thoughts are turning toward suicide. Nothing works as a suicide aid like music, and I thought I would share the albums that are driving me to the brink of despair.
Womb/Disciples of Mockery - split CD This album is a crushing slab of misanthropic, self-destructive sludge that isn't really like anything else I have ever heard. Womb is the brainchild of former Incantation guitarist, Nazi, and general weirdo Craig Pillard, and they play some very fucked up music. It's slow, sludgy, doomy death metal with very disturbing S&M-themed lyrics that leave you feeling all yucky inside in the way that only interfacing with genuinely unhinged people can. With titles like "Thong" and "Bound, Fucked, Humiliated" and lyrics like "I want to taste your saliva," listening to this will put you in a really strange mood to say the least. You'll feel like you need to wash out your brain, and one step closer to killing yourself!
Abruptum - demos After priming yourself with some Womb, you won't truly feel the self-hatred until you jam some Abruptum. Actually, you don't really "jam" Abruptum so much as bathe in it. Jamming is for bands that have melody, dynamics, structure, and other things that define music. Abruptum is not so much music as sound. I don't remember who said it, but I read some interview years ago with one of the dummies from some band like Emperor where he said "Abruptum is the sound of pure hell," which is the best description I have ever heard. If you are on the verge of suicide, Abruptum is a valuable aid in pushing you over the edge, because they will make you hate not only yourself, but everybody else on the planet. Once you hate everybody and have severed all emotional connections to the people you used to care about, it's trivial to make the decision to say "Goodbye, cruel world!"
Life of Agony- Ugly Now most people will say that LoA's finest record is "River Runs Red," but they are wrong. "Ugly" is their finest hour, mostly because it is so melancholy and depressing. If you were feeling chipper when you put it on, you'll definitely be in the dumps before it's over! Pretty much every song on this record is fantastically dreary and hopeless, but the track in the video above is especially good for getting yourself amped up for suiciding yourself. It is called "Coffee Break" and is only found on the import version of "Ugly," but thanks to the interweb, it's easy to pirate these days.
"Fears" is another good one to put on when you're laying in the bathtub in some warm water, getting ready to slit your wrists:
No one knows what it's like No one knows how it feels Nothing else cuould compare to the fears I fear And I've been on my own Struggling all alone And all I have are these clothes on my back and this song<-- Priceless!! I never had much I never believed I could be Someone, somehow, somebody Said goodbye to all my childhood hopes and dreams Time to grow up and accept real life responsibilities Listen Won't you listen to the things I have to say 'cause it just might affect the way that you think about How you live from day to day It may be easy for you But it seems like hell to me
Wow! What a cornucopia of self-pity! It's the perfect sountrack for peacing yourself out.
16 - Blaze of Incompetence I got this record when I was 18 or something, and although I didn't "get it" at the time, I sure do now. If we are discussing music to kill yourself by, we would definitely be remiss if we didn't mention it! I think it is one of those records where you have to get beat up by life for a while before you can understand the feeling of "angry surrender" that permeates pretty much every part of it. When you're 18, you haven't really had to deal with enough bullshit to understand how hopeless and annoying life really is. I think one of the lyrics sums it up well: "Life sucks, who cares, get high." Musically, if you are a fan of bands like Dystopia, Cavity, Fudge Tunnel, or Eyehategod, you will enjoy 16, but it's really the lyrical themes that make this record so special.
Successful people make lemonade when life gives them lemons. When they get knocked down, they get back up, dust themselves off, and keep trying. Listening to this album will make sure you are not one of those people. Some bands, like Life Of Agony, will overwhelm you with the pain of life reduce you to tears and make you want to throw yourself on a sword. 16 is a little different, though. After a couple of songs, you won't be sobbing and in pain, you'll just be so annoyed and frustrated with life that you'll chomp on the cyanide pill just to avoid having to talk to your idiot boss the next day. Download it here
Jessi Malay Perhaps the one thing in this world that drives me closest to throwing myself on a sword is the fact that Jessi Malay never got popular. Not only is she hot as shit, this song is pretty awesome- the beat is amazingly dark and crushing, and it has a guest appearance from College Park's biggest baller, Yung Joc. She's so cute! If I can't have her, I'm leaving this planet for good. What's the soundtrack to your next suicide attempt? You're among friends, we won't judge you if you say Tori Amos or Vanessa Carlton. We draw the line at Michelle Branch, though!
Perhaps some of you have heard the prank call below at some point, as it's been around for a while. I first heard it from a friend who claimed to know the guys who were responsible for it. I think he said they were in a hardcore band or something like that, and that they had put the call on their demo. You kinda' have put aside the slightly racist, over the top black accent to enjoy it (at least I did), as well as the fact that the whole call is based upon a premise first introduced by A.C. a million years ago (with the song Living Colour Is My Favorite Black Metal Band). Having said that, there are still some gems in there. Certainly helps put the concept of "evil" in black metal further into question.
Sometimes, even kvlt black metal dudes have to put grimness aside and say "ehhh...fuck it, I need to get laid"
When I see this picture, all I can think about is the fact that his mother still lovingly washes the skid marks out of his underwear.
Many bands from Spain are merely fifth rate rip offs of more established shit bands. Want proof? Just look at Spanish shit-music pioneers Nu. Have you ever had the unfortunate luck of listening to Jethro Tull? If you have, then you've also heard these guys. Spanish lesson for today: How to say "the flute is the most phallic instrument ever, and all those who play the flute were probably molested as children", repeat after me class "La flauta es el instrumento mas falico del mundo, y todos los que tocan la flauta probablemente fueron abusados sexualmente cuando eran niños."
This particular black metal band from Spain is really not trying hard enough. Just look at their ill-conceived stage props. Who could possibly hang themselves from a noose that is two feet off the floor?
If your mom asks you to go cut down some of the weeds in the back yard, don't take it as a worthless chore. If you are truly committed to being grim, you should see it as an opportunity to be grim as fuck.
In an attempt to bring Spain into this century, the police have been rounding up metal douchebags on a daily basis, and sterilizing them in order to prevent them from breeding. Although some are protesting that these round-ups reek of Franco-era tactics, I see them as being both unimportant, and unnecessary. Why spend tax payer's money sterilizing these individuals, when their denim vests already act as a kryptonite-like deterrant against all females?
