Upside down Cross Mania

Back in 1993 I played guitar and sang for a super shitty joke Noise/Black Metal "band" called Satan's Charcoaled Nipples. Don't bother Googling it, we only had one demo and I'd surprised if we distributed 10 copies. I wish I still had one. Anyway, the name of the demo was "Upside Down Cross Mania." The cover was a pentagram with goat horns (of course) and I put as many upside down crosses as I could fit. Counting the ones in the band logo (which had at least eight) I'd say there were probably 30 crosses. I was very proud of myself. Shit, I still am. I really appreciate a logo with a good number of upside down crosses. How many can they get in there? One or two is way too easy. Unleashed, Mayhem, Death, Possessed, Morbid Angel... these guys are amateurs. Three and above; now, that's serious business. Starting with Sarcofago (above), let's look at some other (mostly Black Metal) logos and their use of the upside down cross.

Are you or a loved one drifting toward satanism?

Seriously, you better watch your use of new vocabulary.

Great black metal interviews

A few months back, fellow M.I. staffer Gene Hoglan's Balls posted what may perhaps be the greatest video of all time. I'm talking about the famed interview with Profanatica in which they make absolute assholes out of themselves by saying ridiculous shit, while wearing corpsepaint in their mom's basement. Although the most crucial part of the interview was edited (band members masturbate onto a bible), the amazing comedic value of that video will not be forgotten by all of those who saw it . Sadly, the video has since been taken down from YouTube, which is a real shame. All that remains on the interweb of this great video, is one lone screenshot (below). We can also be reminded of their stupidity by this now internet-famous (obviously not work-safe) shot of them naked.



So where does that leave us, now that we have no access to Profanatica making huge asses out of themselves? Well, much like a monkey who is forced to drink his own urine as a result of not having access to water...I was forced to find cheap replacements to entertain myself. I will admit, these videos don't come close to the genius that was Profanatica's interview...but they'll have to do for now. By the way, I love how these bands tend to do their interviews while sitting at some kind of black magic desk, filled with candles and skulls, and potions. I wonder if I can buy a desk like that at Ikea.




"No pretty people"
This video features some of the aspects that made the Profanatica video great, but in smaller doses. Band members talk about the scene, about how black metal is real, about how their music makes no compromises, all while one guy randomly makes noises.







"The high potency of magic"
This guy seems to be baking cookies while he does his interview, he's constantly mixing ingredients while sitting at his evil desk. He should really wait until after the interview to make the cookies. I know, because I once tried to bake a cake while I was on the phone with my mom...and I messed it up badly. This one is kinda' long.





"All these people, on this planet which they classify as Earth"
Oooof, I don't even know what to say about this one. How can I describe it...a highly effeminate man (talks about about his band while shuffling playing cards and drinking from a Bud Light tall boy. Does that coat he's wearing look familiar? Why yes, it was last worn by Gaahl's boyfriend. Check out the picture.


I know the Absu video is old...but it still makes me wonder if there is now a secret society of black metal dudes who like each other's company. Like a modern day, gay black metal mafia. By the way, to all those who gave me crap for posting about the "rumors" that Gaahl was gay, please note that he has now confirmed this. The story has now come up in greater detail in Norwegian newspapers, and Germany's Rock Hard magazine.

But back to the Absu dude, I like how he says that "some people" classify this planet as being Earth. Actually, we ALL kinda' classify it as Earth. Actually, we refer to it as earth...but I think we probably CLASSIFY it as a planet. No? A dog is an animal, yes...but perhaps we could also classify it as a canine and a mammal. The order of things, according to my science teacher in high school, was: Kingdom, division, class, order, family, genus and species. Planets aren't even animals...but you get my point. It reminds me of members from the Nation of Islam, who put every single concept, term and idea into question no matter how small. "The so called white man, has been in so-called control of this so-called country, by use of so-called politics."

Glen Benton—You lied to all of us. You said you'd kill yourself.

I don't know if any of you remember, but in interviews throughout the 90s, Glen Benton said that he would kill himself in the year 2000, which is when he would turn 33. He often referenced the song "Sacrificial Suicide", and its line "Sacrifical suicide, Ritual to end my life." The whole reason why he would kill himself was unclear, but had something to do with living a life that was opposite to Jesus. If I remember correctly, Jesus died at 33, so I don't know how ALSO dying at 33 would be the opposite of...well, dying at 33. This gets into a whole thing of what kind of satanist Benton claimed to be. If you are ever really, really bored start looking into this...what kind of satanist so and so is/was. Some believe in god, but worship satan as Benton did. Euronimous believed in theism, and said all humans should be slaves to religion. Some believe an inversion of christian dogma is stupid, some think it's good...it goes on and on.

But back to Benton finally ending our collective pain by dying on purpose. As a result of these interviews where Benton promised that I'd finally be rid of him, I eagerly awaited the year 2000. Unlike other people, I wasn't anxious about Y2K. I was not psyched about listening to the Prince song five million times, oh no. I had higher hopes. I had hopes of Glen Benton finally being dead. Sadly, it was not to be. As you can tell my the semi-recent picture of Glen with a basket of fruit, he's still very much alive. I also know he's alive because he recently commented on the VH1 show "Rock of Love" on his MySpace blog. I thought he'd be more of a Tool Academy kinda' guy...but either way, he's still alive. Lame.

Glen, I know exactly how you feel. This is exactly the face I make when I realize you're still alive.

Glen is in his 40s now. He's a dad these days, and often talks in interviews about taking his kids to school, doing laundry, and about how he wears a hat to cover up his forehead from time to time.

What Benton's kid probably looks like.

While I applaud his ability to not take himself very seriously these days, I can't help but remember how he portrayed himself back in the early 90s. You can attribute his stupidity to youth, but I never acted like a complete asshole then. I've been criticized by some readers for bringing this very thing up about numerous bands on many occasions. Let me be clear, as a youngster, I never thought that Glen Benton was an evil overlord who lived in a dark castle somewhere. You see, I lived in Florida at the time that Deicide were getting popular, and I knew he probably lived in a horrible apartment just like the one my family lived in, but in Tampa. Still, it was easier to take him seriously before he started claiming he had seen bigfoot.

Even manly men end up living in apartment buildings like this in Florida. Even if you're into satan, get ready to live in a light yellow, baby blue, or seafoam colored building called something like "Biscayne Breeze".

I understood the theatrics that went into music, even as a kid. I knew that Ace Frehley wasn't from outer space, I knew he was from some neighborhood like Astoria in Queens. So I'm not a complete moron, I guess I just hate it when people break character. You know how some people loved Jimmy Fallon cracking up right in the middle of an SNL sketch? I hated it (Hope our non-american readers excuse the ameri-centric reference.) To me, it would like if Jason Voorhees stopped mid-movie, suddenly started making a fruit salad, took off his mask and started flossing while listening to a self-help audio tape. We all know it's a damn movie...but it would suddenly become a terrible movie. Right? I know that with time, people in bands have a hard time keeping up the persona. They're not actors in a movie, after all. I get it, they are suddenly married, they have kids, and with that comes a membership to Costco or Sam's Club. Soon, they find themselves buying shampoo by the gallon, all in the name of savings.



Glen had to get married in a church at his wife's request, according to the steroid-induced ramblings of the Hoffman brothers. Clearly the guy is scared of his wife, and must have a good sense of humor. I understand, its real life. But perhaps folks like Glen should have been less idiotic, and should have never started portraying a fictitious character to begin with, even in the name of theatrics. Perhaps they shouldn't have burned a damn cross on their forehead, nahmean? You know why I don't have to wear a hat to the store like he does? Because I never burned a cross on my face. Duh. It's for that reason that I always liked Obituary. They're just some dudes who play music, and that's about it. As a little kid, the whole theatric presentation that Kiss had was appealing to me, but I was like six then. At some point you stop being amazed by swords and fake blood...and you just want a good riff. You know? Perhaps I could present my point of view more cohesively, but I'm tired right now.

Okay, I'm probably putting most of you to sleep. Let's get back to Glen and his promise to kill himself. While he was all about it back then, today he has gone as far as saying that his promises of killing himself were "asinine remarks." He may see his comments from the 90s as silly, but I saw them as a legally binding verbal contract. I counted on being free of his music in 2000, and planned my life accordingly. I had dreams of happy days, fantastic years free of Benton and his receding hairline. Now, I'm stuck having to put up with him for who knows how many more years. Ugh. What an unfair world we live in...one where Pauly Shore is taken from us, while Glen Benton still roams the streets. Oh wait, what? Pauly Shore is still alive? Well, never mind.



If any of you are still half-way interested in the aging biker fatso that is Glen Benton, watch the video below. In his video, you will see Glen answer questions from the audience at a show. Have you ever wondered how many times has Glen Benton burned the cross on his forehead? Did his mom ask him to stop burning the cross on his forehead? Find out.

Great moments in art history: Black Metal paintings

Here we see curators hanging one of these priceless pieces of art at the Louvre.

As much as my writings for this blog have been hailed by critics as being both groundbreaking AND insightful, I know that all the praise could easily dissipate as a result of one bad post. My internet fame could collapse like a house of cards that gets knocked over by the seismic activity created by Shane Embury walking nearby. Why bring this up? Because I'm sometimes afraid of posting something that the entire M.I. readership has already seen elsewhere. This, by the way, is very possible, since I'm rather disconnected from most metal activities online. This is a particular concern of mine when it comes to anything relating to black metal. Look, I know and understand that black metal and making fun of it is old news. You see, whereas in other households the phrase "like taking candy from a baby" is often used, in my house we say "like making fun of black metal."

Having said this, I simply felt I had to share this amazing artwork with all of you, even if some have already seen it. Under each painting I will give my critique.



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A challenging piece for the viewer to take in, to say the least. The terracotta tones (perhaps an homage to postmodernist architect Michael Graves?) ground the figures, while their scale clue us into the artists take on the subject matter. Not since Andy Warhol's erotic films have homosexual characters been depicted in such a manner.

Not content to merely use traditional symmetry as a way of creating balance, the artist has opted for the asymmetry common in modern art, as well as modern architecture. The quality of the facial features shows us that we are looking at true outsider art, perhaps the work of a retarded person, a monkey, or a homeless man...or Danny Spitz and his googly eye. Reminiscent of Mies Van Der Rohe's early floorplans, the characters slide past each other, much like walls did in his Barcelona Pavillion. Somewhere between abstraction and respresentational painting, this piece not only challenges, but also shatters pre-existing notions about art and artistic depiction. Had this guy been around when Demolition Hammer was putting out their first album, he totally would have gotten the comission.


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Much like Franz Kline's seemingly brute black and white canvasses, this piece speaks not only to our humanity, but also to our brutality. The duality of the black and white brushstrokes seem to hint at the hidden characteristics of the music it speaks of, while connecting with the viewer at a visceral level. The laughable proportions, lack of chin and asymmetric visage may seem erroneous, but are in reality a statement about man's inhumanity to man....or perhaps the artist needs glasses. One is also left to wonder "why are his nostrils so damn small?" The artists is taking a gutsy approach (to say the least) in specializing in portraiture, when he clearly has severe problems sizing up even the simplest of human features, but is that not the same for most black metal bands? They can't play their instruments, and yet they go on playing. Go figure.

This piece also has a slight connection to Demolition Hammer. How you ask? Does the angle of the face look familiar? Just look at the image below, which clearly served as inspiration.







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Exaggerated proportions and interesting brush technique speak to varying visual references, primarily the later work of Andrew Wyeth, as well as more banal visuals...such as the runny quality of a drunken hobo's diarrhea. The wispy quality of the brushstrokes is clearly influenced by Wyeth's work, and his depiction of prairie grass in his haunting masterpiece "Christina's World." Perhaps serving as a statment about the childlike nature of black metal's musical complexity, this portrait features the nose of a baby, thus layering meaning within the painting.






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Drawing upon visual cues from different areas of design and artistic expression, this piece is perhaps the artist's strongest statement. Not content merely making visual references to the work of assorted modern masters, the artist goes one step beyond and references the unlikely world of automotive design. Clearly influenced by the work of designer Chris Bangle (the rear of the BMW 5 series in particular) the subject's features seem to converge onto a single point...as though he has just eaten a very sour lemon. The extremely short length of the subject's chain is also worth mentioning, as it looks more like a choker from the Delia's catalog circa 1996.

Although much of Chris Bangle's work for BMW has been criticized, his impact on automotive design is undeniable...much like Possessed's album Seven Churches.

Another possible use of allegory by the artist is the repetition of the upside down cross. What is he trying to tell us? Perhaps it's a simple reference to the recurring pitchfork shape that is clearly seen in Grant Wood's "American Gothic."

Note the pitchfork shape, which is repeated both in the overall's pocket, as well as upside down in the top window of the house.

Black Metal-The Prank Call

Perhaps some of you have heard the prank call below at some point, as it's been around for a while. I first heard it from a friend who claimed to know the guys who were responsible for it. I think he said they were in a hardcore band or something like that, and that they had put the call on their demo. You kinda' have put aside the slightly racist, over the top black accent to enjoy it (at least I did), as well as the fact that the whole call is based upon a premise first introduced by A.C. a million years ago (with the song Living Colour Is My Favorite Black Metal Band). Having said that, there are still some gems in there. Certainly helps put the concept of "evil" in black metal further into question.

My Life with Danzig—A Photographic Journey

If you're anything like me, you probably still remember a time when Glenn Danzig wasn't an absolute joke. Okay, he was always a bit of a douche, but perhaps we were all too young to notice. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, if you're roughly my age, you probably remember the ongoing arguments about who would win in a fight between Danzig and Henry Rollins....or between Danzig and grizzly bear for that matter. That was before we figured out that Danzig is only 5' 2", and that his slight musculature was actually not impressive at all. Those were simpler times. Today, we've seen the light. With said light, we've noticed who Danzig fans are, and we've noticed that the people who play Danzig riffs on YouTube look like this:



Note the title of the video, which you can watch here. Also notice the fire extinguisher on the wall. That's because his shredding is so hot, he could easily set to place on fire. What the hell is that poster behind him all about? Is it a chart depicting the top ten ways to make women repulsed by you? If so, he's really applying himself. Good for him.

I'm tempted to say that we were all much cooler back in 1992 than this guy is now.But I'm afraid we weren't. As I've stated before, if YouTube had been around back then, some unbelievable footage would exist of me doing some insanely embarassing things (like playing along to Rush songs on the drums, or least trying to). Having said that, this guy (on the video) is old enough and should know better.

Anyway, I remember watching the Danzig home videos with my brother back then, and not totally laughing at them. We certainly thought the videos were odd and a bit silly, but we didn't die laughing when he talked in great detail about how an E-chord is incredibly evil, or when he shared his collection of books with us. The fact that we didn't die of laughter should serve as proof that we were both huge douchebags ourselves. It's with that mindset that I now present to you the following compilation of Danzig imagery. Maybe for a future post I will scan the picture of me and Danzig when I was 14. For now, enjoy these.

I thought these mesh shirts with fake tattoos on them were reserved for tubby Jersey guidos who go to clubs and hit on old chicks, while telling them stories about "the good old days." Oh wait...nevermind.

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Oink Oink.

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Oink, oink.
Since he's fat like a pig, I think it was a smart decision for him to put his name on the product everyone's been asking for, Danzig ham. To be fair, like Glenn himself, Danzig brand ham was way better in the early 90s, the quality of the product has dropped significantly since then, while the fat content has risen.

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Few things worth noting:
1. His bangs are teased up like a mall-goer circa 1986



2. Look at his chest area. Dude has straight up hooters.

3. He looks like a Muppet.


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Now famous image of Glenn washing his car after some dudes threw poo on it or something (you can search for the story on the Google, I'm sure). Perhaps the saddest thing about this image is that after all these years in the biz, all the guy can afford is a Jaguar XK.



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Don't you love the sassy pose on this illustration? I love how his left hand is on his hip, as though he's saying "Oh no you didn't!"



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Perhaps one of the most revolting moments ever committed to tape was when Glenn shared his book collection with us. I love how he tried very hard to sound deep during the whole thing. You have to give it up to Danzig though, the guy was ahead of his time when it came to being on screen with his shirt off. He was like the metal world's Matthew McCononaughey back then (in stupidity, annoyinigness, as well as all-out shirtlesness. According to spell check, I just made up two words).


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Another image that was requested by one of our readers. Danzig's bald spot. Makes sense that a guy old enough to have a bald spot would be buying comic book artwork of some kind at a convention. The tiny, evil man-child lives on.


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Another image that has done the internet rounds, I know, but it's still kinda' funny to me.

Wolverine gloves + mesh shirt + huge beltbuckle = WINNER.

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Per a reader's request, you can watch the video of Glenn falling off stage here. It happens at 4:09. Look at the screen shot from that video. I think he's due to give birth in like two weeks.

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I had to include this screen grab of the video where Glenn got knocked the hell out, for the sake of being thorough. I don't know that I can add anything else about this image that has not already been said. Watching an overweight man who is 5'2" and in his late 40s getting smacked around is just a bummer.



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This is not a high quality image, and Glenn is very small in the picture...I know, but look at Glenn's gut, his man boobs and his face. Priceless. He looks like he's taking a huge dump. By the way, I'm sure all his roadies are thrilled about having to carry his stupid styrofoam skulls and daggers around the whole country so he can play in front of dozens of people in places like Green Bay.



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If it wasn't for the fact that Glenn dresses like a 19 year old at a comic book convention, he could be the guy that just installed my new windows. Same hairline, that's for sure.



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Peek-a-boo, we see you and your leotard bodysuit.

About time: Celtic Frost call it quits (AGAIN)

Yes, it is true! As I write this my eyes are tearing up. Sure it's just 'cuz my office is really dusty, but I'm still sad (sorta...actually, not really) that Tom and Martin have called it quits. Again. Seriously, this band breaks up and gets back together every 3-5 years. I understand that the only choice these Swiss rockers have to re-forming the band is going back to day jobs as bank clerks in the main branch of UBS in Zurich, but c'mon! Have they done anything worth a Swiss Franc since 1987? Strike that, I forgot that "Into the Pandemonium" was as heavy as dirty gramma panties.

By the time "Pandemonium" came out they were already starting to look like glam fags. Still, there something about this shot I really like... The jury is still out on this one.

In their official statement they said "...that any continuation of CELTIC FROST without either one of us would be irreconcilable with our original ideas and detrimental to the group's legacy." Wait a second... wait a second. I'm sure you know where I'm gonna go here... "detrimental to the group's legacy"? Are you fucking kidding me? What would you call "Cold Lake"? Or the photo below? Fuck me! THAT was detrimental!

Jesus, Joseph and Mary! I don't mean to be blasphemous here, but c'mon! Unbuttoned pants with suspenders and no shirt? Fingerless white gloves? Frosted denim? What's missing here? Oh, yeah, denim shorts! The ONLY redeeming wardrobe piece in this shot is what appears to be a calculator watch on Tom G. Warrior's wrist. I point that out 'cuz I'm wearing one as I type. No joke.

In the statement, they also refer to CF as a "truly unique band". But are they really? I happen to know a lot of bands that put out two or three good records and then decided to start sucking asshole. Then, after 15 years of being mocked by their old fans, they decide to "come back", just for said fans to mock them even more in blogs such as this one. Sorry, guys, you're not that "unique."

I'm sorry if you disagree, but this video is WAY more of a joke than St. Anger could ever be.

Listen here: I know how influential CF were. Shit, I have Morbid Tales in my CD player in my car right now, but let's not forget that these clowns are partly responsible for the disease we call black metal.

Thanks for nothing you Swiss fuckers!

If we're gonna dedicate post after post to making fun of Danzig and Metallica, I think we should do at least one post to celebrate yet another passing of the band with the highest awesome-to-shitpile ratio in the history of metal. So, here is to Tom G. Warrior and 17 other guys who were in CF at one point or another. May you have a happy retirement and see you again when the money runs out in 2-5 years!

Hey Tom, do I detect a mild case of Robb Flynn's Disease?

"After the battle is over
And the sands drunken the blood
All what there remains
Is the bitterness of delusion"
Exactly! You said it best...

Dark Throne's Fenriz shows off his sweet ink

Full translation of the text can be found in the "comments" section of this post.

When you think of pure evil, you think of a guy in a Rightous Pigs shirt putting lotion on his Hanoi Rocks tattoo, or perhaps his tattoo of the Guidance Recordings logo, a techno and electronic music label out of Chicago. Click on the image to see it larger.

While we're on the subject of Fenriz (yet again, but can you blame us?), here are a few more amazing images related to the man himself.

This may not look all that evil to you, but what you don't know is that that there was a sign just off to the right that said "No Diving", and after this picture was taken, Fenriz dove in. Hella' evil.



All of us here at M.I. are big supporters of the arts, but we can only take things so far. I've taken dumps that looked better than this.

Best Interview Ever

I've tried to publish this post twice now and each time it deletes what I've written and I'm too lazy to type it all out again, so just watch this interview because it's hilarious and retarded and shot in someone's mom's basement and John Gelso sounds like a girl and looks like Peter Criss. Yet another reason why Black Metal bands should only ever be photographed in black in white and very low light and never inteviewed.

Glen Benton—New Chiquita Banana Spokesperson

If anyone ever asks me again why I think metal today sucks, and why I think back on the early 90s so fondly, I will show them this picture.

Vengeance Rising's Roger Martinez: Stage Banter All-Star

In the world of super annoying human beings, Vengance Rising's Roger Martinez needs no introduction. We have examined his insanely annoying antics before, and now you can see how they translated into his stage persona. As you watch this, remember that he went on to became a satanist, and offered free records to people in the military who would wage war on christians. Forget the GI Bill, pay them with Vengance Rising records!

Vengance Rising's Roger Martinez, The World's Most Annoying Human Being. Period.

This video serves as proof that, as the title of this post states, Roger Martinez of the band Vengance Rising is without a doubt the world's most annoying human being. His cadence, his overuse of the phrases "what have you", "boils down to", as well as the word "jams" are enough to drive anyone into a violent rage. Who the hell would ever say "that which shreds"?

The video also shows that he's a bit of a nut, something that would become very clear years later when Roger became a Satanist, and made death threats against the singer of the band Mortification. In 2001, after the September 11 attacks, he gave out free albums to people in the military in order to wage a "holy war against Christians". Glen Benton would be proud.

A Tiny Italian Elf Takes Pride In His Invention

Ronnie James Dio has often taken a laid back approach about the fact that he invented (or at least appropriated from Italian Catholic folklore), the use of the "horns" hand signal within the world of heavy metal. But damn, for a guy who is humble and laid back about it... he sure talks about it a whole lot. Though not referenced in this interview, a debate exists as to who used the sign first, Dio or Gene Simmons. Gene claims he first used it on the cover of the Kiss album Love Gun. It should be noted that:
1. The cover for Love Gun is a painting, so the painter/illustrator should be credited, note Gene.
2. Said cover also depicts Peter Criss as being roughly 6'1", and having muscular arms.... so you know it's fictional at best.
3. Gene Simmons is a raging lunatic, and a douche (proof here.)
4. The cover does have an amazingly homoerotic quality to it. Just look at Paul and Peter's poses. Oh my.