Great black metal interviews

A few months back, fellow M.I. staffer Gene Hoglan's Balls posted what may perhaps be the greatest video of all time. I'm talking about the famed interview with Profanatica in which they make absolute assholes out of themselves by saying ridiculous shit, while wearing corpsepaint in their mom's basement. Although the most crucial part of the interview was edited (band members masturbate onto a bible), the amazing comedic value of that video will not be forgotten by all of those who saw it . Sadly, the video has since been taken down from YouTube, which is a real shame. All that remains on the interweb of this great video, is one lone screenshot (below). We can also be reminded of their stupidity by this now internet-famous (obviously not work-safe) shot of them naked.



So where does that leave us, now that we have no access to Profanatica making huge asses out of themselves? Well, much like a monkey who is forced to drink his own urine as a result of not having access to water...I was forced to find cheap replacements to entertain myself. I will admit, these videos don't come close to the genius that was Profanatica's interview...but they'll have to do for now. By the way, I love how these bands tend to do their interviews while sitting at some kind of black magic desk, filled with candles and skulls, and potions. I wonder if I can buy a desk like that at Ikea.




"No pretty people"
This video features some of the aspects that made the Profanatica video great, but in smaller doses. Band members talk about the scene, about how black metal is real, about how their music makes no compromises, all while one guy randomly makes noises.







"The high potency of magic"
This guy seems to be baking cookies while he does his interview, he's constantly mixing ingredients while sitting at his evil desk. He should really wait until after the interview to make the cookies. I know, because I once tried to bake a cake while I was on the phone with my mom...and I messed it up badly. This one is kinda' long.





"All these people, on this planet which they classify as Earth"
Oooof, I don't even know what to say about this one. How can I describe it...a highly effeminate man (talks about about his band while shuffling playing cards and drinking from a Bud Light tall boy. Does that coat he's wearing look familiar? Why yes, it was last worn by Gaahl's boyfriend. Check out the picture.


I know the Absu video is old...but it still makes me wonder if there is now a secret society of black metal dudes who like each other's company. Like a modern day, gay black metal mafia. By the way, to all those who gave me crap for posting about the "rumors" that Gaahl was gay, please note that he has now confirmed this. The story has now come up in greater detail in Norwegian newspapers, and Germany's Rock Hard magazine.

But back to the Absu dude, I like how he says that "some people" classify this planet as being Earth. Actually, we ALL kinda' classify it as Earth. Actually, we refer to it as earth...but I think we probably CLASSIFY it as a planet. No? A dog is an animal, yes...but perhaps we could also classify it as a canine and a mammal. The order of things, according to my science teacher in high school, was: Kingdom, division, class, order, family, genus and species. Planets aren't even animals...but you get my point. It reminds me of members from the Nation of Islam, who put every single concept, term and idea into question no matter how small. "The so called white man, has been in so-called control of this so-called country, by use of so-called politics."

Striborg for PA State Auditor

Since it's election day here in the US, we thought it was an appropriate time to mention the campaign to elect Striborg for Pennsylvania State Auditor General. Making fun of black metal is generally played out (as others have pointed out in our comments, it's kind of like making Bush jokes- it's just too easy), but there are some details that make this funny.

"Striborg for President" would have been too easy and obvious, but State Auditor General is inherently funny because very few people know what that position is. I also like the description of the candidate: "Lyrics reveal a fascination with forests, night, darkness, misanthropy and death." That said, It would have been more clever to choose a more subtle candidate than Striborg. For example, Paul Ledney, Billy Milano, Evan Seinfeld, or Rex (from Pantera).

I know that election season is over, but I would like to see some other campaigns along these lines:

• Shifty Shellshock for Los Angeles City Administrative Officer
  
• Vinnie Paul for Denton County Commissioner
• Tommy Victor for Bergan County Surrogate
  

And so forth

Metal Inquisition Mailbag Vol 2: Happy Halloween!

ENTER THE DROIDS
Asa E sends us a link to an incredible interview he did with none other than Mike Browning of Nocturnus. There are some real gems in here:

How difficult was singing and drumming simultaneously, initially? Whenever singing/playing an instrument, rhythmic consistency is a given, but drums seem to be a very cardiovascularly demanding instrument.
Well I have been doing it so long it’s just kind of natural now for me, but using a headphone mic actually makes it a lot easier. Once I really get a good memorization of the lyrics to where I don’t have to think about what I am singing, then I can really get into just becoming the song instead of playing it!

Very subtle, Asa!! You coaxed him into talking about the headphone microphone without tipping him off to the fact that you were making fun of him. It's always a tough balance, and you pulled it off like a pro! I don't want to spoil it, but this is one of the best interviews I've read in ages! It touches on Metal Gear, the cover of The Key, chanting spells from the Necronomicon, and all kinds of great stuff. Asa, can't wait to see more!!

Read it here

Which crappy state sucks more?
Pat writes:
As a survivor of the tri-state area's hardcore and metal scenes, I was thinking you guys could do a post posing the question "Which is more metal, Long Island or New Jersey? Could be an epic debate.
The fact that Danzig's from Lodi, NJ may be the decider.

The Inquisitors respond: Who is really to say? Both are wretched dumps in which the resident fall into one of two categories: scary poor people or annoying middle-class/rich people who think they know everything. NJ gave us Ripping Corpse, Dim Mak, Mortal Decay, Revenant and Bloodfeast, but LI brought the world Morpheus Descends, Suffocation, Internal Bleeding, and Pyrexia.

From the Old Memes department
Constanza 76 write:
The images of pure evil that consumed my soul when i visited this website will no doubt give the M.I. staffers more than enough post material.

Are you guys ever worried that these shadow worshipers you make fun of almost daily will finally take action, unite, and assault the M.I. compound. Will seargant d and the S.O.D be enough to defeat these unholy legions.

RateMyCorpsepaint.com

The Inquisitors respond:
As we discussed in our last mailbag, making fun of corpsepaint is pretty much played out, but maybe this take on the subject will be novel enough to amuse. We leave it to you, the reader, to decide if we are guilty of the same stereotype that we seek to lampoon.*

* Ultramega giant holocaust nerd points to anyone who can identify this reference

Why is Shane Embury chasing Richard Marx?

They also invented homos
Matthew writes:
Dear Metal Inquisition,

Would like to bring to the attention of the MI the following two Greek metal bands who currently ply their craft primarily through myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/convixionband
http://www.myspace.com/strikelight
http://www.myspace.com/crucifiergreece

You will note, when perusing their profiles, the widespread use of Engrish. You will also note that it is in fact currently 1987 in sunny Greece. The intention behind the image the bands are attempting to put across is devoid of all irony.

The Inquisitors respond:
Yikes, you're not kidding about the Engrish or the time warp! Here are a couple of highlights from Crucifier:

No, it's not an outtake from a Gothic Slam photo shoot, they're Greeks. The guy on the left even has little saddlebags like every Greek woman over 28.

Sounds Like FAST AGGRESSIVE INSANE ANGRY RAMPAGEOUS VIOLENT CUTTHROATING
"FUCK YOU POSERS THRASH WILL GET YOUR HEAD!"

Now, I could spend the rest of this post making fun of these awful bands, but you can do that on your own: they're fat, ugly dipshits that can't speak English, blah blah blah. Instead, I will take advantage of our international readership and make fun of Greeks- because there is plenty to make fun of! First of all, they love complaining about pretty much anything and everything. I am really not clear on what they actually do enjoy, aside from having strong opinions and voicing them very loudly while they gesticulate aggressively. Oh, they also like to point out that Turkish coffee "is really Greek coffee." Which brings me to the other thing they like, which is explaining how awful Turks, Albanians, and Romanians are. I'm sure they are indeed awful, but it's just sort of funny in the same way as it would be funny to hear someone in a Crazy Town shirt tell you that Papa Roach is a terrible band.

WTF
Megaforce Records writes:

Mushroomhead have new DVD out Oct. 28. Can you post the new video "Save Us" link? Great for Halloween:

Best,

Zarna & Robert

Megaforce Records

212-741-8861

The Inquisitors respond:
I am only posting this because Bobby Blitz told me that Johnny Z was cool! Seriously, how can you get up in the morning and look yourself in the mirror knowing that you have to go to work and peddle Mushroomhead records?! I saw this awful band in 1996 and never in a million years did I think they would still exist in 2008- and if I did, I would certainly have used my Nocturnus time machine to destroy them!! I mean, I like a lot of shitty shit (for example, Limp Bizkit, Evanescence and Crazy Town), but even I have to draw the line somewhere, and this is where I draw it. If you need anymore favors, you're going to have to have Johnny Z call me personally!!

Hipsters would probably buy them

Rick Bell writes:
As none of you most likely know, in my spare time I'm occasionally an unsuccessful inventor. I'm the Homer Simpson variety inventor, for every halfway decent idea I've come up with there are a hundred that are really, really crappy. But I think I'm onto something here. Not since Clip-On 3-D Glasses (making 3-D movies easier on those who wear glasses, of course) have I come up with something this ingenious. The Death Metal Fanny Pack - For The Indiscriminate Metal Fan On The Go:

Nergal from Behemoth thinks they're cool! (Nergal? Wasn't that Garfield's arch nemesis in the hit comic strip Garfield?)

The Inquisitors respond:
Well done, Rick! I'm mildly amused! The only problem is, I am nearly certain that Blue Grape already made these back in the 90s. Remember how you could buy Sepultura "jams" and Sacred Reich hockey jerseys?

Until next time...
We have another 100 or so emails in the inbox, and maybe only 90% of them are press releases about Mushroomhead. What do you think? Is the mailbag entertaining, or no? Should we try to answer all of them, or only post the best ones?

Metal Inquisition e-Cards

I love e-cards! They're a great way to keep in touch with friends, family, and anyone else who you want to just say "What's up, I was thinking of you" to. The problem is that most of them are not very metal, so they're only good for sending to you poser friends. With that in mind, I put together a few in case you want to use them. Create your own here!