Celebrity apartments: Lemmy and Fenriz edition

Ready? Set? Get depressed. In the video below, Mr Lemmy Kilmister gives us an exclusive tour of his apartment in the city of Los Angeles. While some of you will be stupid enough to claim that he's "keeping it real" by living in more depressing quarters than many 19 year old record store employees, I beg to differ.




If you're not fully depressed by the end of the Lemmy video, perhaps seeing Fenriz's living quarters will do the trick.

Big (Fake) Amp Metal, a Genre is Born

From the humble world of small-amp metal, today we take you to the the heights of big-amp metal. In the image above a long-rumored fact about metal is exposed...no, I'm not talking about the fact Tom Araya is a christian, or that Crisco runs through Kerry King's veins... but rather that bands like Immortal don't really own that many Marshall stacks. Makes sense, since they go through the PA system, and black metal is all about appearances anyway...but it's still funny. I wonder if the second bass drum even has a pedal attached to it.

It's like Abruptum, only with an undercut. In a trailer park.

I could try to write something more clever, but there is not much to say other than the obvious: In this video, some white trash kid plays a solo black metal show on the patio of his trailer.

--

Oh to be young again

At first it's just him shrieking by himself, but later in the video he attempts to get some of the half-dozen people watching to scream "I hate people." I like the idea of mandatory audience participation, but not as much as I like his undercut. All he needs is an Ugly Kid Joe baja jacket and his look is complete.

The funniest part, though, is that the song is pretty sick, at least at the beginning-- it makes me think of, say, Abruptum meets Dystopia, and you could do a lot worse than that combination. Don't get me wrong, the kid has no talent and the song falls apart very quickly, but it starts on a promising note.

I just Photoshopped this, but I will pay a king's ransom for a garment like it if you ever come across one

But this intriguing video begs many questions: Where are the other band members? How did he force these 6 neighborhood teens to watch his performance?? What is he up to now? (I am guessing he drives a Frito-Lay delivery truck in the greater Indianapolis area) When will undercuts make a comeback????

Internet potpourri

Happy new year kids! Here are some recent finds from my most recent internet travels.



File under "When will every American Apparel store finally burn to the ground?"

Let's face it, we now live in a world where deep-v neck t-shirts reign supreme as the preferred article of clothing for men. As such, anyone who corners the market on such attire will surely control fashion and retail altogether. Enter, not the droids, but American Apparel. You know the place, the one were the effeminate dudes with mustaches work. Well, it seems they have recently caught on to this wild new musical style tearing up the charts, black metal. I believe Nicolas Cage's son may have tipped them off, to tell you the truth. What's next? Will fashion magazines use black metal as a theme for photoshoots?



Who tucks in a tshirt, especially one with printing on it? Godamn.


_____________________________________________________

File under "I told you so"


Only 15 years too late, fashion magazines are picking up on black metal as a theme for photo shoots. You see, I told you so! What's perhaps saddest about all this, is that somewhere in the rural U.S. some fatso with a Craddle Of Filth shirt and bondage pants is getting all pissed off about this. "How could they exploit my beloved musical style?", said fatso asks...when in reality, he should be asking "Why do I sweat gravy?"

I myself don't care. Not only do I not care, but I'm also not going to take great pride in having known about Dark Throne back in 1991. That's a bit like bragging about how you were the one that discovered the super disgusting piece of shit in a public bathroom. We know, we know, you were the first one to find it, and point out the pieces of corn in it. Hooray for you.


_____________________________________________________



File under "WTF"?
Actor Sir Christopher Lee (who played Dracula) is set to release a metal album. Lee holds the Guiness World Record for acting in the most movies with sword fights in them...so he's certainly no stranger to being rad, and being into Manowar. Mr. Dracula appears to be the British William Shatner, since he's put out numerous novelty songs and albums. You can check out some of his musical abilities here. He has also themed up with douchebags Rhapsody before. Check it:



Anyone remember the Pat Boone metal album?




Props to Mr John Prolly for the heads up on this one.


_____________________________________________________

A TRIBUTE 2 BURZUM

I GOT DRUNKST LAST NITE AND WAS ALL LIKE "FUCKIN BURZUM FUCK YEAH:" I WAS LOOKING AT HIS BURZUM.ORG AND PUT TOGHER SOME OF MY FAVORITE BURZUM PICS WITH A SONG THAT GETS ME PUMPED FOR THE RACE WAR CHECK IT OUT PLZ COMMENT I HOPE U LIKE IT



ALSO PLEASE SUBSCRIBE/ADD ME ON YOUTUBES

Halloween

Dressing up as a black metal douche for halloween? I know what you're thinking "Nicolas Cage's son has now been doing it year-round for some time now!" Well, you're partially right...but that doesn't negate the appeal that such a costume may have for the masses. As such, I now introduce you all to the first official black metal costume ever (I think), as seen at a local costume shop by close friend of the blog (sup Marns!).



Yes, it's true. You can even buy it at Target.

In honor of halloween, please check out these two clips from Metal Inquisition's favorite zombie movie ever...death metal zombies. See them here, and here.

Metal video potpourri

From time to time, I have been known to fall into what I lovingly refer to as an "internet wormhole." Such an event usually starts out innocently enough, I'll remember a certain historical event, or perhaps a building or person that I'd like to look up on the interweb. Somehow, five hours later, I find myself still in front of my computer, reading about a related subject in greater detail than anyone in the world really needs to. Drunk with (sometimes useless) knowledge, I stumble outside to realize it's no longer light out. The hours have passed, and all I have to show for it is that I now know way too much about how Manuel Noriega was taken down as Panama's leader. I will also know why architect Philip Johnson was passed up for the Museum Tower project, and yet chose to live in the building after it was finished. Did I need this information? Did I really need to know the entire history about the venerable Jackson Dinky guitar? No.

Sometimes, however, the internet wormholes I fall into have even less redeemable value than the ones having to do with Central American history, or slammin' six or seven string instruments. Yes, sometimes, I merely spend hours watching endless amounts of stupid videos on YouTube, and end up with nothing to show for it. It's for this very reason that I've decided to share some of my recent finds with you today. These may not be the funniest videos you've ever seen, but I feel that in sharing them with you, I have given my life greater meaning...so this is an entirely selfish affair. Dig in, please, so I'll feel better about the time I wasted online.


Evil Black Metal Teens
(Please note the crappy guitars being held as evidence)








Report about death metal. Serious Stuff. This video is from the era before Chris Barnes made EVERYONE laugh, back when he only made almost everyone laugh by his stupidity and Skeletor-like face.





King Diamond shares his thoughts about theology with the world. Perhaps the most evil thing about this video, however, are the tacky curtains behind Kind Diamond. Also highly evil is his mustache.





Overkill gives a very in-depth interview, and band members share their numerous theories about life and music. How on earth is it that most of us, as young men and women, took interviews like this seriously? I know I certainly did. It never occurred to me back then that some dudes from New Jersey who worked third shift at machine shops may not have all the answers. Shocking.

Win a copy of Decibel's Precious Metal book

What is your favorite item in the Edit menu? You could ask a million people this question and get a million answers. You'd hear everything from Find to Redo to my personal favorite, Select All. But I know if you asked Decibel Magazine's Editor-In-Chief, Albert Mudrian, his answer would be a combo: Copy and Paste. He likes it so much that he made a whole book by compiling 25 of Decibel's finest Hall of Fame stories by copying and pasting them into one file, then printing it all on the cheapest brownish-grey newsprint that money can buy!

If you're too cheap to click here and purchase a copy from Amazon, continue reading for details on how to win a free copy- and this could be your last chance, since it's burning up the charts at #18,047 on Amazon!

You can also read our 2008 interview with Albert here.

Albert hard at work "writing" Precious Metal

The Press Release
Here is the ham-fisted copy from the back cover that goes into more detail about this 250-page tribute to repurposed content. As you can see, beardos, hipsters, and dinosaur rockers alike will all be delighted- I know I have been waiting with baited breath to hear the real story behind the fucking Diamond Head LP!!

Precious Metal gathers pieces from Decibel's most popular feature, the monthly “Hall of Fame” which documents the making of landmark metal albums via candid, hilarious, and fascinating interviews with every participating band member.

Decibel's editor-in-chief, Albert Mudrian, has selected and expanded the best of these features, creating a definitive collection of stories behind the greatest extreme metal albums of all time.

Black Sabbath’s Heaven and Hell * Diamond Head's Lightning to the Nations * Slayer's Reign in Blood * Napalm Death's Scum * Repulsion's Horrified * Morbid Angel's Altars of Madness * Obituary's Cause of Death * Entombed's Left Hand Path * Paradise Lost's Gothic * Carcass' Necroticism- Descanting the Insalubrious * Cannibal Corpse's Tomb of the Mutilated * Eyehategod's Take as Needed for Pain * Darkthrone's Transylvanian Hunger * Kyuss's Welcome to Sky Valley * Meshuggah's Destroy Erase Improve * Monster Magnet's Dopes to Infinity * At the Gates' Slaughter of the Soul * Opeth's Orchid * Down's NOLA * Emperor's In the Nightside Eclipse * Sleep's Jerusalem * The Dillinger Escape Plan's Calculating Infinity * Botch's We Are the Romans * Converge's Jane Doe * Nitro's OFR * Meat Shits' Ecstacy of Death

The contest
As you know, Metal Inquisition is first and foremost the viral marketing division of Red Flag Media, the company who publishes Decibel and acquired this blog via hostile takeover earlier in 2009. Therefore, it was only natural that we would promote Precious Metal with the following gimmicky contest:

Da Capo Press and Decibel will give away one or more copies of book to the best review(s) posted in the comments of this post.

Of course, you will be writing a review of a book you haven't read, just like when I used to write reviews of records I hadn't listened to for the magazine I used to work for (I will let you guess which one that might be; unfortunately it was not Decibel). Since it can't be accurate, it should at least be entertaining. We will select the winner next Wednesday: we'll post the winning entry/entries and you can email us your address if it's yours.

Go!

Tom Araya officiall hits the wall. Wall reports severe pain as a result of being hit so hard, is left whimpering.

Good god, just look at Tom. Mary mother of jesus and baby jesus...this guy is old. I applaud him for embracing his old age by growing a crazy Jesus beard....but for god's sake, could he please embrace his old age on his own time, and in the privacy of his own home? Look, I know we're all headed in that direction (fat and old) but to rub it in our faces is a bit rough. Remember when members of Slayer looked like this:



and not like this:

It's this kind of pushing that will give you severe hemorrhoids. Ten dollars go out to anyone who can find his neck.

Is anyone else reminded of a bundle of white sage when they look at Kerry King's stupid beard thing? White sage is this crap that hippies burn at yoga studios. I'm glad that Kerry is getting in touch with his spiritual side via eastern philosophy. By the way, white sage looks like this:



But back to that old picture of Mr. King. Minus the belly shirt, that picture would lead you to believe that he was actually an alright guy back then (even if he was playing with Megadeth at the time). The second picture, I must admit, makes me want to sharpen my machete and start swinging. Now, I know what your saying "hey dude...how can you say that the first picture of Kerry is cool, belly shirts aren't cool!" Well, you are partially right. I mean, belly shirts are NOT cool, but they ARE metal. How can I prove it? By showing you a second picture of an important metal figure (at least to some) rocking a fantastic belly shirt. Enjoy.

Oooh lah lah...so sexy, all that's missing is a nice belly chain

Sheesh, for all the complaining that black metal dorks did back in the day about Anthrax ruining metal with their "shorts and skateboards", these guys surely dressed like they were ready for a day at the beach. What's that I see in the background...Pungent Stench? Godflesh...wow, nothing but the most obscure black metal for this beach bum. Surf's up! Also, look at his awful facial hair. He said he was super evil, but he was clearly influenced by Mexico's comedic actor Cantinflas. Cantinflas was pretty much the opposite of evil. Judge for yourself.




One last Slayer note. I'm sorry to post this again, but it never ever gets old. At least not to me.




Still want more? Okay. How about a depressing video of Slayer covering "Born To Be Wild". The song is terrible, but the video is of some interest because it's about the only time that Tom's bass has ever been heard. Listen to his pointless clanging about :25 into the video.

Black Metal Gets The Thumbs Up From Madison Avenue

I know, I know...even mentioning black metal for comedic purposes is now considered expected. Some would say it's way too easy. As a matter of fact, while the saying "like taking candy from a baby" is common in many households, in my house we use the less common but no less poignant "like making fun of black metal". Be that as it may, I simply couldn't help myself since I wanted to share this video with you...so read on.

Back in 1993 or so, my brother used to put out a video 'zine. The concept of a video 'zine seems insanely odd and dated now, but back then it kinda' made sense. Kinda'. If you were heavily into tape trading in the early 90s, you'd probably understand. Anyway, I used to help him with the 'zine, and I remember one guy that we interviewed for it very well. He was the singer for a death metal band, and when we asked him what bands he was influenced by, he listed mostly obscure black metal bands. After we recorded the interview, we drove home and got a frantic call from this guy. He wanted us to delete the portion of the video where he listed all the black metal bands that he listened to, and to please not put that portion in the 'zine. He was afraid of possible retaliation or violence from black metal bands as a result of him being in a death metal band, but being into black metal. This sounds absolutely insane now, and to be honest, it sounded a little silly to us back then too. To be fair, however, I guess at the time it seemed to be somewhat within the realm of possibility. God, how things have changed.



I'm sure the guys from Darkthrone wish they could get .000002% of the profits generated by this ad campaign so that they can quit their jobs at the post office.

The ultimate turkey: Mordred

Today, in the good ol' US of A, it's Thanksgiving Day. For all of you who live elsewhere and may not know what Thanksgiving is all abut, I'll break it down for you. You are basically forced to go back home to see your family, where incredibly uncomfortable situations will take place due to the fact that you don't really get along with them. You want to get away from them, and go do something else...but your plans are usually stopped short because nearly all commerce is closed, and all your friends are in another city being miserable with their families.It's like christmas, but without the presents. Instead you just eat a whole lot, and often watch what is often refered to as american football.


The food usually consumed during this holiday is turkey, but I should tell you that "turkey" is also slang for a person or thing that is considered a failure, and thus undesirable. Now that we're all on the same page, I will tell you about the ultimate turkey. Mordred.


As soon as I began research for this piece, I realized just how insanely stupid and bizarre Mordred are. Why? Because they are still around, and they have gone from being the only prominent thrash metal/funk act, to being a renaissance festival themed band. I'm not even joking. Look at the photo below. They have managed to start sucking in an entirely different way, and managed to include their attire into their sucking strategy. Apparently they have now taken the name of their band literally, since Mordred is a character from the King Arthur legend. I guess. I'm so confused. If you want to see more, watch a video of them live here, or look at their official site here. Notice anything missing from this current Mordred line-up? Yup, they unloaded their DJ, DJ Pause, like he was dead weight.

Mordred today, after having somehow morphed from horrible pseudo funk, to horrible renaissance-themed metal...or something.

Back to Mordred as we knew them back in the day. Considered revolutionary by no one except themselves, Mordred stretched the bounds of music by managing to suck at two musical styles at the same time, metal AND funk...managing to sell dozens of records. Mordred was one of those exciting mistakes that happened at the Thrash Metal factory. They were an anomaly that should have been corrected, had all six sigma regulations been put into place. They were at best a factory second, a defect, a mutation that should have never seen the light of day, like those babies with eight heads and six eyes that die seconds after they're born. They were horrible at metal, and considered themselves to be a funk band due to occasional slap bass and the fact that they had a black DJ.

This is the cover of Mordred single "Esse Quam Videri", which is Latin for: "We make our DJ pose with malt liquor containers in all photo shoots"

Yes, that's a can of Olde English 800.

Members of the band attempted to seem open minded when it came to issues of race in interviews, I mean...they even wore Bad Brains shirts to prove their point! They also listed Living Colour as one of their favorite bands, so you know they meant business! There is one tourbling aspect about the band though, they always made their DJ pose with a container of Olde English malt liquor in band photos (See above). In doing so, the band single-handedly set back the clock on race relations by 35 years. For those of you outside the US who may not know what malt liquor is, much less Olde English, this is part of their Wikipedia entries:

Like many malt liquors, its relatively high alcohol content and low price make it popular among those on a tight budget wanting to become inebriated quickly. "Pour Some for the Homies" is often spoken during pouring a small amount of the top of a 'forty' on the ground, in recognition of deceased friends or relatives who were close.

As though it weren't bad enough that their DJ and his race were used as a novelty, and perhaps as a way of gaining minimal street cred, in one of their videos, they tastefully made him rap while he was dressed like a pimp. Yes, I get it...it's their amazingly hilarious take on 70's black culture...but god damn, couldn't they let the guy have some dignity? I'm surprised they didn't make him play basketball on film.



Until recently, I believed that Mordred's DJ was merely a prop borrowed from their record company's mail room. He was never interviewed, so I doubted he was even real. Not so. He's real! His name is/was DJ Pause, and wouldn't you know it...he has a Myspace page here. In his page, I found this picture of Mordred today (below). Apparently they've dissolved into what looks like an aging janitorial staff on their day off. Though this is basically the same line-up as the renaissance themed version of the band that is also active right now, this version features DJ Pause and the old singer. Please don't ask me to explain all this, because I have a headache just thinking about it. It's like in Back To The Future, when there's two Marty McFly's at the "Enchantment Under The Sea" dance. I found videos of both versions of the band, one with the old annoying singer and with a DJ, and one with the other singer dressed like a knight of some kind. Both version appear to exist at the same time. Are you confused yet?



Not surprisingly, Mordred's bass player Art also has a Myspace page. In his page he doesn't list an occupation, probably to keep the entire world from laughing about the fact that the guy who wrote and played on the song with these lyrics:

Go to work? Ha, no way
I see you work so hard
To pay your credit card
I see you bust your ass
To buy a new bus pass
So you can go to work
Like every other jerk

Now works the third shift at a machine shop, and is managed by a teenager half his age. Them's the breaks, as they say in the south. Check out the picture I found on his page, it leads me to believe he has turned into your average angry filipino who wears a see through shirts while suffering from late stage alcoholism.



Lastly, let's all enjoy the seminal moment in Mordred's career, documented in video format for all of us to enjoy. Listen to the depth of their comentary on music and culture. Turkey's served. Dig in!

Striborg for PA State Auditor

Since it's election day here in the US, we thought it was an appropriate time to mention the campaign to elect Striborg for Pennsylvania State Auditor General. Making fun of black metal is generally played out (as others have pointed out in our comments, it's kind of like making Bush jokes- it's just too easy), but there are some details that make this funny.

"Striborg for President" would have been too easy and obvious, but State Auditor General is inherently funny because very few people know what that position is. I also like the description of the candidate: "Lyrics reveal a fascination with forests, night, darkness, misanthropy and death." That said, It would have been more clever to choose a more subtle candidate than Striborg. For example, Paul Ledney, Billy Milano, Evan Seinfeld, or Rex (from Pantera).

I know that election season is over, but I would like to see some other campaigns along these lines:

• Shifty Shellshock for Los Angeles City Administrative Officer
  
• Vinnie Paul for Denton County Commissioner
• Tommy Victor for Bergan County Surrogate
  

And so forth

Pick Your King

vs.

Three black metal images to get you through the day

Can you spot the grumpiest guy in this food court? I sure can, but can you blame him? Orange Julius totally screwed up his order.



Separated at birth? Maybe it's a stretch, but I found the similarity to be worth noting. Considering Suge Knight's past, and his temper...I have to say that the Death Row Records picture is way, way scarier.

Ahhh, nothing like a stroll through the suburbs on a nice spring day. By the way...Deicide shirt and corpse paint? You can't mix those two, didn't this kid read Lord Of Chaos? Oh, and one last thing, to the kid on the right who is carrying a hairbrush, the pentagram is supposed to point down, not up. Details, details, details.

Black Metal: Photo Analysis

Today, we present you with yet another look at the world of black metal, one of our favorite punching bags within the world of metal.

How do evil black metallers stay warm while watching TV on a chilly winter's day? With a cozy Slanket™ of course!

The guy on the left didn't get the memo about the difference between throwing the horns, and the sign for "I love you." Apparently he also didn't get the memo about not wearing flowing, pirate-style shirts, or his mom's jeans when trying to look evil.

1.
His mixture of a phallic helmet (that is clearly from the middle ages), with bullets (that are from the 20th century) makes his little costume highly inaccurate. I would feel like a dick for pointing that out to him though. I mean, when you were a kid, and you were pretending to be Evel Knievel while riding your cheapo BMX bike in your parent's driveway, your mom didn't ruin the fun by pointing out you were a douchebag, that you were 9 years old, and that doing a bunny hop didn't exactly count as a "stunt". So, if the dude wants to be a black metal "warrior" and dress up in cute costumes, I say we let him.

2.
This guy's hair is insanely dry and frizzy. He's looks like the Crypt Keeper with a magic penis helmet on his head.

3.
Can any guitar players who are reading this perhaps confirm if that's even a chord he's playing? Is his hat so magical that he's coming up with an entirely new musical scale? Why does he have two fingers on the A string, and on the same fret?

One sad thing about being in a black metal band in Florida is that after playing a sweet show in front of ten high school-age kids, you end up outside the venue sitting on one of those outdoor plastic chairs from Wal-Mart, rather than the throne made of skulls you always imagined.

MySpace photography, meets black metal, meets bad dental hygiene, meets comb over, meets a life of loneliness.

Playing the songs in front of eight people in a gym that could hold two thousand kinda' makes you feel like a douche for putting on the make up and all. So does the fact that a gym class was still going on during the epic performance of "Gates Ov Hell"

Are these guys building a house in the woods or something? It looks like a Habitat For Humanity photo shoot.

Is this a picture of a weird, third division soccer team in the Philippines I've never heard of? Douchebag FC?

About time: Celtic Frost call it quits (AGAIN)

Yes, it is true! As I write this my eyes are tearing up. Sure it's just 'cuz my office is really dusty, but I'm still sad (sorta...actually, not really) that Tom and Martin have called it quits. Again. Seriously, this band breaks up and gets back together every 3-5 years. I understand that the only choice these Swiss rockers have to re-forming the band is going back to day jobs as bank clerks in the main branch of UBS in Zurich, but c'mon! Have they done anything worth a Swiss Franc since 1987? Strike that, I forgot that "Into the Pandemonium" was as heavy as dirty gramma panties.

By the time "Pandemonium" came out they were already starting to look like glam fags. Still, there something about this shot I really like... The jury is still out on this one.

In their official statement they said "...that any continuation of CELTIC FROST without either one of us would be irreconcilable with our original ideas and detrimental to the group's legacy." Wait a second... wait a second. I'm sure you know where I'm gonna go here... "detrimental to the group's legacy"? Are you fucking kidding me? What would you call "Cold Lake"? Or the photo below? Fuck me! THAT was detrimental!

Jesus, Joseph and Mary! I don't mean to be blasphemous here, but c'mon! Unbuttoned pants with suspenders and no shirt? Fingerless white gloves? Frosted denim? What's missing here? Oh, yeah, denim shorts! The ONLY redeeming wardrobe piece in this shot is what appears to be a calculator watch on Tom G. Warrior's wrist. I point that out 'cuz I'm wearing one as I type. No joke.

In the statement, they also refer to CF as a "truly unique band". But are they really? I happen to know a lot of bands that put out two or three good records and then decided to start sucking asshole. Then, after 15 years of being mocked by their old fans, they decide to "come back", just for said fans to mock them even more in blogs such as this one. Sorry, guys, you're not that "unique."

I'm sorry if you disagree, but this video is WAY more of a joke than St. Anger could ever be.

Listen here: I know how influential CF were. Shit, I have Morbid Tales in my CD player in my car right now, but let's not forget that these clowns are partly responsible for the disease we call black metal.

Thanks for nothing you Swiss fuckers!

If we're gonna dedicate post after post to making fun of Danzig and Metallica, I think we should do at least one post to celebrate yet another passing of the band with the highest awesome-to-shitpile ratio in the history of metal. So, here is to Tom G. Warrior and 17 other guys who were in CF at one point or another. May you have a happy retirement and see you again when the money runs out in 2-5 years!

Hey Tom, do I detect a mild case of Robb Flynn's Disease?

"After the battle is over
And the sands drunken the blood
All what there remains
Is the bitterness of delusion"
Exactly! You said it best...

Fat tub of goo sings Dimmu Borgir, world rejoices

The best parts are when he brings the mic close to his mouth and all you hear is his singing. He looks like he's made out of ice cream cake. Could he be related to this all time M.I. favorite?



You be the judge. Watch and enjoy.