Metal video potpourri

From time to time, I have been known to fall into what I lovingly refer to as an "internet wormhole." Such an event usually starts out innocently enough, I'll remember a certain historical event, or perhaps a building or person that I'd like to look up on the interweb. Somehow, five hours later, I find myself still in front of my computer, reading about a related subject in greater detail than anyone in the world really needs to. Drunk with (sometimes useless) knowledge, I stumble outside to realize it's no longer light out. The hours have passed, and all I have to show for it is that I now know way too much about how Manuel Noriega was taken down as Panama's leader. I will also know why architect Philip Johnson was passed up for the Museum Tower project, and yet chose to live in the building after it was finished. Did I need this information? Did I really need to know the entire history about the venerable Jackson Dinky guitar? No.

Sometimes, however, the internet wormholes I fall into have even less redeemable value than the ones having to do with Central American history, or slammin' six or seven string instruments. Yes, sometimes, I merely spend hours watching endless amounts of stupid videos on YouTube, and end up with nothing to show for it. It's for this very reason that I've decided to share some of my recent finds with you today. These may not be the funniest videos you've ever seen, but I feel that in sharing them with you, I have given my life greater meaning...so this is an entirely selfish affair. Dig in, please, so I'll feel better about the time I wasted online.


Evil Black Metal Teens
(Please note the crappy guitars being held as evidence)








Report about death metal. Serious Stuff. This video is from the era before Chris Barnes made EVERYONE laugh, back when he only made almost everyone laugh by his stupidity and Skeletor-like face.





King Diamond shares his thoughts about theology with the world. Perhaps the most evil thing about this video, however, are the tacky curtains behind Kind Diamond. Also highly evil is his mustache.





Overkill gives a very in-depth interview, and band members share their numerous theories about life and music. How on earth is it that most of us, as young men and women, took interviews like this seriously? I know I certainly did. It never occurred to me back then that some dudes from New Jersey who worked third shift at machine shops may not have all the answers. Shocking.

Signs of the times: Photographic evidence of my advancing age

An ongoing theme here at Metal Inquisition is that of getting older, and coming to terms with what that means. I've talked about my need to wear orthotics in the past, as well as my general confusion about the tastes of metal's younger generations. Today I bring you photographic proof of my advancing age.

Exhibit A: The King Diamond Hand-Painted Shirt

Right before halloween, I found myself at a local thrift store shopping around for items to complete my costume. It was during that trip that I found one of the greatest pieces of clothing ever to be seen at a thrift store. As you can see from the picture above, I'm talking about a hand-painted King Diamond shirt. I was so excited about the shirt, that I quickly bought it without even thinking about it. I was extremely happy with my purchase, and even emailed a photo of the shirt to fellow M.I. staffers. Why bring up this shirt you ask? Because I now own it, but will never really wear it. Back in the day, I would have rocked the shit out of this thing. Today, I find myself staring it at the lonely shirt in my drawer...King Diamond's eyes look back at me and he says "Hey man, back in the day...you would have worn this shirt everyday! Don't be a poser!" I look back at King and say "Dude, those were different times, I have a job now. I'm older. I can't wear a shirt like this to work! Maybe during the summer I'll wear it when I cut the grass in the backyard." Notice that I tell King "when I cut the grass in the backyard", because I'd be afraid to be seen by the neighbors cutting the grass in the front lawn wearing this shirt. I know what you're saying, I'm a huge poser, and I shouldn't care. But this, my friends, is the moment in life in which I find myself. I guess I care. I guess I've finally realized that wearing a shirt with a handpainted King Diamond face is not exactly the coolest thing to wear around town. If a 12 year old version of me saw how I'm living he would laugh and then yell at me for not rocking this shirt 24/7. That 12 year old version of me would then ask me when I'm going on tour with my thrash band. I would have to hang my head low and tell the truth. I'm not in a thrash metal band.

Exhibit B: My Homemade Traper Keeper

Back in the 80s, Trapper Keepers were the hottest article to have during school hours. This was even true in the slightly backwards country where I grew up. The Mead corporation had us all by the balls. Sadly, my parents were never able to buy me one of these highly covetted three-ring binders. Instead, from an early age, I learned to make my own custom three-ring binders. Above is a picture of one such binder I made. This one is actually from 1992/1993, a time when the Trapper Keeper madness had already worn down, but my need for such a binder apparently hadn't. Though you may think that the bands featured on this binder were my absolute favorite at the time, you'd be partially wrong. If a band was my favorite, I would normally keep such clippings in a scrapbook type binder that my brother and I kept. As such, almost any band could have made it into one of my designer binder covers, but there were certainly bands I was rather into at the time. As you can see, this one features an all-star line-up. Cannibal Cropse, Gwar, Entombed, Benediction (!), and Nuclear Assault. Upon finding this binder in an old box of crap I keep around, I asked myself whether I'd willing to make such a folder for myself today. Before I asked the question, I knew the answer. No way in hell. Not only do I not know where to buy Contact paper anymore, I also don't want to be seen carrying such a thing around. Again, a sign of the times. Back in the day, this thing was my most prized possession. Today, it's merely a digital picture for me to scoff at. Contrary to how this may all sound to you, I'm rather comfortable with my age and how life has turned out. Very comfortable actually. Having said that, it's still odd to look back into the rearview mirror from time to time...and see a young kid with a mullet, a King Diamond shirt and a homemade three-ring binder waving back at me.

The end of all that was evil.

An ongoing theme in this blog is that of getting older and realizing that things are not what you once thought they were. To be more specific, I'm speaking about the shocking revelation that the dark characters who you once thought occupied places of honor within the world of metal are anything but evil. Glenn Danzig washes his car, Mortiis does laundry at a laundromat, members of bands like Mayhem get yelled by their moms for not putting the toilet seat down, that dude from Dark Throne works at the post office. You get my point.

Like the fall from grace that the bible talks about in terms of the devil, this fall too affects us. At least it affects those of us who got involved with metal at such a young age, that we still saw people in some bands as comic book characters (all image and no depth of character, much less reality.) It's with that spirit in mind that I present to you the following images, images that would have absolutely broken my heart had I seen them as an 11 year old.





King Diamond is an American redneck who wears Corvette sunglasses, a Nascar hat and rocks a mustache? What? Okay, he always had the mustache (though it took me years to discover it), but all the other stuff certainly comes as a surprise to me. It's like seeing Batman in his pajama pants. How on earth does a Danish guy get into Nascar anyway? Damn, he's been living in Texas waaaaay too long.

Okay, I know that Cliff Burton never pretended to be a dark, satanic character...but this image would have broken my heart as a kid...if only due to its highly pedestrian nature. I now realize that Cliff was probably not even posing for this picture, but he actually worked doing road maintanence as late as the release of Master Of Puppets. Growing up outside the US, it never occurred to me that people in metal bands were usually the offspring of jobless meth-heads, and usually worked god-awful blue collar jobs. I assumed all americans were highly educated, wealthy, and were all brilliant. Then I saw New Jersey and Long Island, and I learned the truth.

Ugh. I'm speechless. Opposite of evil.

Speaking of King Diamond, this is my favorite King Diamond shirt ever.

I know I posted this picture before, but I had to post it again. As late as my mid-teens, I was convinced that people like Glen Benton were not a total joke. I know, I know...I'm an idiot. Seeing this picture makes me think of how much crap his mom probably gave him when he burned that cross on his forehead. He probably still has to wear hats to family picnics and weddings.

Pick Your King

vs.

King Diamond: King of YouTube

My heart got crushed a lot as a kid. First there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy. Then I discovered that, to my dismay, King Diamond wasn't really the scary monster I thought (and hoped) he was. Man, I used to be scared of him, no joke! We had a Metal Hammer poster on the wall of our room and I didn't look at it at night, 'cuz it used to creep me the fuck out. "Them" is a scary-ass record and the videos weren't really light either. OK, so the band members were pretty glammy-faggy and definitely not scary, but you know what I mean.
As I grew older the fantasy began to dwindle. We (Lucho Metales and I) have talked a lot on MI about various meetings with the Danish Dwarf and how he's as scary as a plate of under-cooked strawberry pancakes. Sadly, these days KD occupies a place in my life which he shares with Carlton Banks, pogs and Thrasher Magazine. You know, those things that make you smirk to yourself when you think about them. Sorry, Speegster, KD is a bit of a joke...



This one is pretty funny. Of course, I'd done a way better job, but I did chuckle a few times. Who knew that the youngsters could be sarcastically funny like this?



Sure, this chick is ugly and has a terrible voice, but something about this video makes want me want to bend her over and record a few intros for a MeatShits 7".



This one has gotten around a bit... I can't tell if the teen on the left is a dude or an ugly broad. All in all, tho, I have to admit I think this video is pretty rad. Here's a quote from Blabbermouth about the clip (thanks, Seth):
In a statement released to BLABBERMOUTH.NET, King Diamond, who saw the clip for the first time earlier this week, said, "OH MY GOD!!!! That just blew me away!!!! Absolutely 200% AWESOME! I [have always said that] we have the best fans in the world! It's so hilarious and at the same time it really makes me feel so honored seeing the level of dedication and how much our fans get out of our music!!"



Best for last. Remember a band named Metallica? Yeah, they were awesome. This video illustrates two theories of mine: King Diamond is a tool and Metallica used to be awesome dorky fun-loving guys, before they became rock-star prick-fucker looser righ-wing assbags.