Where would Chris Barnes buy a used Porsche?

If you ever asked yourself this question (and who among us hasn't), this video will give you the answer you've been looking for:



(video via Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls)

Great moments in art history: Grim Reaper

Out of all the triumphs in the world of art, few can compare to the cover of Grim Reaper's seminal album "Fear No Evil". Grim Reaper is known to most simply as "the band with the hideous singer whose looks made everyone around the world dry-heave in disgust", or the band whose video had a cameo by Joey Belladona. But with time, we have gained insight. With that insight, we have come to see the undeniable value of this fantastic cover.




Hair Side-Note:
Grim Reaper toured once with Anthrax in the mid 80s. That's all it took for them to take on the absolutely worst characteristic of our beloved New York City thrashers...the poodle haircut. The diagram above shows the three characteristic shapes found within Charlie Benante's stylish poodle cut. The poodle haircut, in case you didn't know, was a rare sub-genus of the mullet species, primarily seen in the greater New York City area. The poodle haircut required constant attention and primping, much like a topiary at Epcot Center.

Fantastic topiaries in gardens such as these require much less work than the poodle cuts found atop New York thrashers like Anthrax.

And Now, Back To The Record Cover:
Breaking away from the norm, the artist of this masterpiece turned his back on oils and airbrushing (common media of the day) and made the bold move of using colored pencils and (perhaps) pastels. Pencils, though not commonly known as an effective device to portray true brutality, nevertheless managed to beautifully convey an amazing scene for this cover. Why do I say "amazing"? Just think about what is being shown in this terrifying piece of art. Picture yourself chillin' in church (or a holy place of your choice) with your parents. You're about 13, and you're there because your mom makes you go. In reality, you'd rather be home watching Hellraiser in the basement, or listening to...say....Grim Reaper. You're wearing ill-fitting, pleated-front khakis, along with the free plastic belt they came with. The sermon is moving along slowly, and you're bored to tears. All of a sudden....BOOOM! A god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton bursts through the stained glass windows like the Kool-Aid man! Holy Mary mother of baby Jesus! It's the Grim Reaper skeleton! Tell me this wouldn't totally make your day?

This is kinda' what a bored teenager looks like, while in church, in most western countries. Note the Lens Crafters "2 for $49.99" wire rim glasses.

Now, I'm no art expert so I'm not sure how this cover has anything to do with the title "Fear No Evil". But maybe it does. Am I not supposed to fear him? He's certainly evil. He's plenty evil actually, sorry if that opinion is not very metal...but I'd be scared as all hell. I mean, look, if this guy is riding his motorcycle through those expensive stained glass windows, he's pretty evil! And, at the risk of sounding like a little bitch, I do fear him. What would you do if you were just sitting quietly in church and a god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton plowed through the window? At the very least, you'd be startled. Don't try to be all metal and say "nah dude, that would be rad!", cus you know you'd be scared as all hell. Come on, the old ladies in church would freak the hell out, piss their diapers and at least one of them would die from a heart attack. Why you ask? Did I mention that a fucking motorcycle just burst through the fucking stained-glass window? Oh...and another thing, the fucking motorcycle was being ridden—not by a normal human being—no. It was the fucking Grim Reaper on two fucking wheels!


With that out of the way, let me comment on a couple of other things. First, look at the impressive work that was put into his robe. Sadly, no such work went into the perspective. Just look at the part of the wall that is visible on the right. Oops, it's going the other way. Also, by the time he finished the robe and had to draw the outside of the building that is visible through the broken window, the very place the Grim Reaper is coming from, he decided to call it a day and simply paint it all black. I also love how this skeleton dude is pure evil, but still manages to place his big toe, every so gently once inside the building. Based on the length of his toenails, I'd say the man is due for a day of pampering and a mani-pedi, but he's still demure with his toe placement. Also, check out those teeth. Oh my.

A rare photo of the Grim Reaper at a mani-pedi party with friends.

Regarding the motorcycle, I'm hoping an enthusiast out there can fill us in on the accuracy of the steel horse he's ridding. Isn't he riding super far back on the bike? The bike seems to have no brake mechanism in the front wheel at all either. That's pretty evil, no brakes...dude is crazy evil! I see brake levers, but no disc brake in the front hub. I thought those were pretty much standard, no? Also, the front wheel is not exactly round either. I think it's pretty cool that even though he's the Grim Reaper and all, he still likes to personalize his bike. Note the goat/devil head in the front suspension. That's like the equivalent of a "baby on board" sign in the underworld. They're all the rage down there.

Lastly, I took this picture of my own personal copy of the album. Check out the sweet contest they were running when the album came out, it was called "Reaper Madness". Get it? It's like "Reefer Madness"! More importantly, you could win a Grim Reaper jersey or headband! Oh man! I'm so bummed that by the time I bought this record, the contest had ended like 10 years earlier. Damn.

Twisted Sister: Leaders of the Wack Pack

So, we all know what tools Twisted Sister were/are, correct? In case you forgot, peep the video of their version of "Leader of the Pack".



The Shangri-Las probably never saw this video and thank God! There's only one thing sadder than Dee Snyder wearing a white leather jacket with fringe and that is a bunch of 80's glam "dudes" chanting "Yeah, we see", "Down, down" and "New, new."

I know they didn't exactly take the song or the video seriously, but these guys were retarded clowns, period. Dude, they wear sunglasses at night. I've hit dudes for doing that in bars in Brooklyn!

I know, of course, there will be the usual poser fags who will claim that TS was awesome and influential and God knows what other stupid shit, BUT let me remind you: This is Metal Inquisition, not Lame-Ass-Poser Inquisition. If you want to talk about TS and their make-up and shitty riffs or any other glam band, you should go here.

You're gonna tell me that these assfucks look like metal dudes? If you think this is metal, you need to pop in the 'Reign in Blood' cassette in your walkman, set it to auto-reverse and crank the fucker to 11.

A few more things that made me chuckle when watching this piece of garbage:

- Mr. Spock poster in the girls room.
- Cameo by Bobcat Goldthwait.
- One of the dudes is really short and looks hilarious standing next to the others.

The one thing i do find cool is the matching denim vests. I'm gonna buy some for the MI staff and we'll be as cool as these gents.

King Diamond: King of YouTube

My heart got crushed a lot as a kid. First there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy. Then I discovered that, to my dismay, King Diamond wasn't really the scary monster I thought (and hoped) he was. Man, I used to be scared of him, no joke! We had a Metal Hammer poster on the wall of our room and I didn't look at it at night, 'cuz it used to creep me the fuck out. "Them" is a scary-ass record and the videos weren't really light either. OK, so the band members were pretty glammy-faggy and definitely not scary, but you know what I mean.
As I grew older the fantasy began to dwindle. We (Lucho Metales and I) have talked a lot on MI about various meetings with the Danish Dwarf and how he's as scary as a plate of under-cooked strawberry pancakes. Sadly, these days KD occupies a place in my life which he shares with Carlton Banks, pogs and Thrasher Magazine. You know, those things that make you smirk to yourself when you think about them. Sorry, Speegster, KD is a bit of a joke...



This one is pretty funny. Of course, I'd done a way better job, but I did chuckle a few times. Who knew that the youngsters could be sarcastically funny like this?



Sure, this chick is ugly and has a terrible voice, but something about this video makes want me want to bend her over and record a few intros for a MeatShits 7".



This one has gotten around a bit... I can't tell if the teen on the left is a dude or an ugly broad. All in all, tho, I have to admit I think this video is pretty rad. Here's a quote from Blabbermouth about the clip (thanks, Seth):
In a statement released to BLABBERMOUTH.NET, King Diamond, who saw the clip for the first time earlier this week, said, "OH MY GOD!!!! That just blew me away!!!! Absolutely 200% AWESOME! I [have always said that] we have the best fans in the world! It's so hilarious and at the same time it really makes me feel so honored seeing the level of dedication and how much our fans get out of our music!!"



Best for last. Remember a band named Metallica? Yeah, they were awesome. This video illustrates two theories of mine: King Diamond is a tool and Metallica used to be awesome dorky fun-loving guys, before they became rock-star prick-fucker looser righ-wing assbags.

Great moments in art history: Voivod

There's a few things out there that sound good on paper, but in reality are pretty gay and people who like them should be treated as criminals. Things like snowboarding, video games in general, the Sopranos, Buddhism and Voivod.

There's not many bands out there I hate as much as I hate Voivod. I know there's a whole bunch of people out there who love them and will be quick to tell me what an ignorant fool I am for hating these Canucks, but I despise their music. Maybe I don't get it, but I hate their whole discography. From the early thrashier shit to the 90's stuff to the new shit. I hate it all. Just give me some serious fucking metal without all the techno-esoterical shit, you know? But there's more to my hatred... I think the reason I hate them so much is 'cuz they should have ruled. Voivod should be the raddest band ever! I mean all the elements of a shredding band were there! A cool name, good band member names, awesome image, and they were on a cool label. Even all that sci-fi robotic bullshit they were into, that now seems so fucking retarded, was cool back in the day. But the one thing that Voivod had going for them that, in my opinion, gave the obligation to rock hard was their artwork. Man, their logo was bad-ass and their records were chuck-full of awesome artwork. (I know that anything after 1989 sucks Canadian-hockey-loving-balls, but the early art was amazing and that's what this post is about)

These guys looked the part. What a waste of good bullet belts.

Sadly, however, Away, Piggy, Snake, Puppy, Teletubby and Sleepy formed a band that just sucked and found enough imbeciles with serious intelligence and taste deficiency to have a following that keeps them going to this day. I'd rather own one embroidered Voivod patch than their entire discography on limited edition 24k gold CDs.
Imagine if all Voivod fans would have saved the money they have spent on sub-par technical shit metal and put it in a jumbo-jar instead. Imagine how much money would be in that jumbo-jar? Millions of dollars, I'm sure. Millions of dollars we could have used to help the victims of today's world tragedies: the earthquake in China, the Cyclone in Burma, the food crisis in Africa or the Cavalera Conspiracy.

Anyway, let's take a closer look at some sweet, sweet art...

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Even in the early days Away's art was pretty metal. The type is rad and the tank has fucken spikes on the tracks. I'm a bit disappointed that the perspective is pretty good in the tank and the logo. I'd love to have seen a really crooked way off perspective, which would have been WAY more metal.

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Again, hand-written metal type is back and becomes a staple of Voivod's visual repertoire. IMO, this is the raddest piece of art Voivod produced. The logo is incredible and that techno-skull is as bad as the baddest riff Jeff Hanneman ever wrote.


Here's a further exploration of the techno-skull ("The Voivod"). This ranks #3 in the all-time best back-patch of all times list, after the Motörhead England skull and Venom's Black Metal.




Finally, the techno-skull comes into maturity. This is the best of all Voivod logos. It's got spikes and spaceship/building looking shit. It's just metal. This is the type of record I'd frame and when people asked me why I did that, I'd tell them "cuz the Gods of Metal have given us a gift. A gift of amazing Metal Art and I want to thank them, and honor them, by framing it" And then they'd ask me how I can listen to the record if it's framed, to which I'd reply "The Gods of Metal hate Canada, so the record is not worth listening to."

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I know what you are thinking: "I could have done this!" And you are right. My landlord's kid could have done a better logo and he's autistic. You gotta admit, tho, it's a pretty metal logo. Look at those spikes! Sure, the "D" is more like a sleeping "P", but I'm sure Away wasn't going for legibility. They are French-Canadian, dude, they don't even speak American. The perspective and foreshortening on The Voivod are prime. It looks and feels cubist, which we all know is just a label for talentless artists to hide under. Dude, look at that machine gun, the gas mask, the bullet arm-band, the Oderus Urungus-like shoulder pads... this is a Metal Masterpiece, if I ever saw one.

Cubist art was an obvious influence on Away's art

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I'm not sure why, but as a teen I thought RRROOOAAARRR was the best name for a record ever. Of course, I also wore a golden razor blade earring, so what did I know. Well, this cover is a natural progression from the previous one. Away sticks to the always reliable red/white/black color combo and may the Virgin Mary bless him for that (Do Canadians believe in the Virgin? Savages). It feels like the camera panned out from the War and Pain cover and revealed more of The Voivod. Plenty of spikes, once again. The Road Warriors pads make an encore and we appreciate them, once again. Also making a welcome re-appearance are the spike tracks on the tank. Nobody wants to fuck with a pissed off looking hunchback metal robotic tank thing with a knife. There's also a little Ed Roth thing going on here.

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I'm not sure why The Voivod turned into an old tape recorder/ghost grinder, but this cover is the beginning of the end. All the perspective and cubist experimentation is gone and we are left with a flat dead-on view of the subject. The spikes are all but gone and replaced with rivets. The colors are as poser as they can get and that gradient is pretty generic and does not help the static composition. I'm not sure about the bandages around his waist (right around where the cassette goes), maybe all the ghost-grinding takes up a lot of calcium and causes ribs to weaken. After this record Voivod's art went to the shit dumpster. Seriously, the covers from now on are so bad they almost match the terribleness of their music.

Ghosts maybe scary, but they are 0% metal.

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I was looking for a pic of someone sporting a rad Voivod tattoo to close the post, but I couldn't find one. What I did find was a photo of Lita Ford.

The Many Faces of Varg Vikernes

Varg Vikernes, AKA "Count Grishnackh," is a complicated man. Best known for being the mastermind behind Burzum, burning churches, and murdering Mayhem guitarist Euronymous, he has become synonymous with the Norwegian black metal scene. A controversial figure for almost two decades, Varg's views on pagan religions, nationalist politics, and Lord of the Rings have been furiously debated on message boards across the internet. Being that we're actually all gainfully employed and well-educated here at Metal Inquisition we couldn't care less what this inbred retard thinks, we're more interested in making fun of how stupid he looks. As such I've decided to take a photographic journey through the years and examine the many fascinating fashion choices of Norway's most notorious black metal son.

As you can see, things began innocently enough for young Varg. He looks just like your average metal fan, though there is something a little unsettling about the fact that his left eye is considerably smaller than his right eye. Quite an extravagant mane he's got! Judging by the spectacular shine I'd say he uses Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner. Killer VON shirt! 

Once you start wearing chainmail and carrying around a sword in public you've officially crossed over to the next level. Notice, however, the laid-back, blase demeanor. I call this look "casual viking." 

The escalation of style continues. The spiked mace, body armor, and GLOVES OF METAL really push this outfit over-the-top. The scowl and battle stance almost make him look intimidating, but he's still nowhere near as frightening as Rob Darken of Graveland.  

Typical black metal warrior fare. Tight black jeans, black long-sleeve band t-shirt, and hastily-applied corpse paint. This is a great look for when you're onstage performing. 

In October 2003 Varg was granted a short leave from prison (they're such nice people those Norwegians, letting killers out of prison to stretch their legs for a bit). He was found driving a stolen Volvo containing the following: an unloaded AG3 automatic rifle, a handgun, numerous large knives, a gas mask, camouflage clothing, a laptop, a compass, a Global Positioning System, various maps and a fake passport. This is what I imagine he looked like when he was caught.

Varg can't sing for shit. It's no wonder he didn't make it past the auditions. He looks great in a suit though. Sort of looks like he could be the Norwegian Morrissey. 

Varg's really excited about his new Hitler Youth look. I don't blame him because, personally, I think he's never looked better! The crew cut, fucked up teeth, weird scar on his face, and military green button up shirt would make any aspiring nationalist jealous.  

For a Norwegian guy Varg can really pull off the white trash meth dealer from Nebraska look. It's all about the feathered hair and unkempt beard combo. That shit is timeless.  

A slight variation on the white trash meth dealer from Nebraska look, you'll notice that Varg has gone through the trouble of braiding his goatee. He's got a strong chin, so he can pull it off, but personally I would have gone with rubber bands in tribute to the great Captain Lou Albano. I love it when people wear their own band's shirt.

By this point we've come full circle and Varg appears to have completely embraced the redneck, white trash aesthetic pioneered in rural areas across the continental United States. Long gone is the chainmail-wearing, mace-wielding youthfulness of yore. All that's left is a grizzled veteran of prison rape.  

I leave you with a few words of wisdom straight from the horse's mouth. A little something to think about, but don't think too hard on it. Your brain might explode. 

Great moments in art history: Spotlight on Poland's TURBO

WARNING: The following post may offend our Polish readers. Please understand that I don't hate Polish people. I have been to Poland and I had a great time. My neighbors are Polish and very nice as far as I can tell. Also, I really like Turbo. "Last Warrior" is an ass-kicking record. Thank you.



Even though they didn't produce any artists, the Medici Family were essential to the growth and development of art in Florence during the High Renaissance. They produced 3 popes, but not a single artist. What they did do was sponsor some of the best of all time. The Medicis were basically responsible for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They sponsored Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo Da Vinci amongst many others.

In the world of High Bad Cover Art in Metal Records, there's a "family" that has been sponsoring horrible cover art since 1981: Poland's Turbo. Sure, Poznan in no Florence, but great art always comes from unexpected places. Some may think that a comparison between Turbo's Wojciech Hoffmann and Lorenzo de' Medici is far-fetched, but believe me when I tell you, my friends, we owe both of these European men for a lot of great, great art.


Turbo started its great journey through the lands of second-rate shitty Eastern European Heavy Metal in 1980. (Trivial, but humorous fact: the band's 3 founding members were all named Wojciech...sorta like Mitch Harris and Mick Harris, except not at all like that). From the beginning of the band it was obvious that they were destined to play an utterly unimportant and forgettable role in Metal History. Turbo was, however, destined for greatness in Metal Inquisition History, which is, of course, way cooler. The fact that they are still together is so scary, I'm just gonna avoid that like I'd avoid a girl who's not that ugly, dresses OK, but has canker sores.

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1982's "Dorosłe Dzieci" (in English: "Fag In Yellow Overalls") was their first full length record. Where to start? Well, the composition is a bit unorthodox, that's for sure. Why is there all that weird negative space to the right? I mean that: why? I guess next we should address the elephant in the room... yeah, the elephant that is gay and wearing yellow overalls. Sure, this idiot looks like a member of 'Kids Incorporated', but he's screaming for heavy metal freedom in 1980's Poland, so I guess we'll have to excuse his retarded attire. Counter-clockwise from there we have Poland's answer to Tony Orlando. He and the bass player are holding hands and stroking the neck of the bass together. Whatever rocks their Polish Heavy Metal boat, I guess. Onto the bass player himself: he wears a sleeveless denim number. I bet you this dude sold his 1977 FSO Syrena 110 to get enough money to buy the vest. I mean, we are talking about a soviet nation in the early 80's... Denim was like gold to these people. Oh, yeah, he also has a pearl bracelet from Tiffany's 1981 collection. The singer is also screaming for freedom, but he wants the freedom to leave this shitty band (which he did after this album). I think he was influenced by Nugent's 'Scream Dream' and in turn influenced Brutal Truth's 'Sounds of the Animal Kingdom'. This last dude I don't get. It's such an obvious Steve Harris impersonation, why bother? Well, the guy is not completely useless, he came in third in a Robert Trujillo look-alike contest at some Funkcore fest in Kiev in 1994.

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Whoa! Hold the presses, we got a live one here! What a beauty! "Kawaleria Szatana" (in English "Down-Syndrome Ghost of Michael Jackson") was Turbo's third album. Like a 5oz. 80% pure Colombian emerald, it is not often that you find a gem like this one. Once in a lifetime type shit right here, gents. Study it for a few seconds. Let the beauty penetrate your heart...your soul. Let your eyes frolic through the beautifully rendered mountains or volcanoes or whatever. Admire the completely fucked perspective on the shoulders of whatever-the-fuck that is, enjoy the gift of the horrible see-though effect the artist blesses us with and rejoice in the puddles at the foot of the mountains that look like maxipads. The artist's name is Zbigniew Kosmalsk. It's in the liner notes. A normal human being would be too embarrassed to claim this piece of 3-day-old vomit as their own, but ol' Zbigy here seems to be proud of it. God bless his lost soul. I'll never understand Polish people... with their 8.5% ABV Tripel beer and those potato thingys they like... beyond me. Anyway, you know, it's the small things that usually make a record cover special. That little gold nugget the artist drops in hoping someone will find it and appreciate it. My dear readers, in this instance that nugget has a name... and it's name is "Rad Shoulder-Pads"!! Please hold your applause until the end.

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The soviet government destroyed a lot of the records in the 80's, so the facts are a bit blurry. For what I can make out Turbo wanted a change of look for their covers as early as November of 1996. I guess Zbigy's work wasn't cutting it anymore or maybe Turbo wanted to go more in a ManOwar, Frazetta direction. For whatever reason, they hired Jerzy Kurczak. Maybe because his name reminded them of New Jersey, home of great artists like... like... whatever... Anyway, Jerzy did the artwork (I use the term loosely, here) for their next album, "Ostatni Wojownik" (in English: "King Arthur never came to Poland, but we saw ManOwar last week"). The cover features a sword in a rock (Fuck, these guys are SO original!) and wraped around it is a Wornake. A Wornake is a half worm, half snake type deal. They are very rare, but not as rare as the horrifying Tomctopus, which is half octopus and half Tom G. Warrior.

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"Turbo Alive!" - Damn! What an original title! These dudes are super creative! Fuck, I wish I'd thought of it. The best part about the title is that the LP is fucking LIVE! Yeah, brilliant, I know. OK, the cover is a typical Frazetta-like deal. One huge difference, tho: I may be wrong, 'cuz I'm no Frazetta expert, but I don't think he ever painted a gigantic potato on a humongous termite hill as a background for any of his pieces. Oh, and there's the annoying little dude from Lord of the Rings on the left... No, not that dude, the other annoying little dude.

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"Last Warrior" was a re-release of some other record or something. I'm not sure. I completely lost interest on their bio after a while. Anyway, you gotta LOVE this monkey-looking guy on the bad-ass horse. I wish it was breathing fire, tho. The Lord of the Rings dude i chillin' in the back. Well, he ain't really chillin', since he's in the middle of the fire. It's probably hot as balls in there. Maybe the monkey-looking guy should put down the sword call the fire department. Hmm, come to think of it, he's got his own problems. Check out the milky semen tentacles trying to trap the horse and shit. Battle on monkey-looking guy!

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In the late 80's Poland was on its way to become a normal country, like America. Turbo was riding the wave of progress and released "Epidemic/Epidemie" in 1989. See? The title is in Polish AND in American! Anyway, onto the cover. We have a couple of naked muscular dudes giving each other back massages. I guess the WWE had gotten to Poland by '89. One of the guys is holding a Polish flag that drives our eye toward the castle. I don't think Edward Scissorhands is home. Below the archway we see: The Grim Reaper! The level of originality of these guys is simply uncanny!

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The last cover we'll look at is 1994's "Dorosłe Dzieci i Inne Ballady" (in English "We Wish Polish Chicks Smoked Peyote") I don't know what to say about this one. Maybe my funny-tank is running low. Some say it's been running low since the mid-90s. Just look at the cover and laugh, ok?

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So, here I leave you. There's 2 things you should take away from this post:
1. Communism is bad.
2. Turbo's music is actually not that bad. Seriously. Unfortunately the way they dress is REALLY horrible. Nice pants there, Comrade!



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