Wanderlust: Metal Edition :: Mexico City is "muy caliente" (El Chopo)

We have discussed to length before how the rest of the world is still living in 1988 and it's the U.S. alone that thinks metal is dead. I recently spent 2 weeks in Mexico City and, let me tell you, it was an ALL-OUT-METAL-ASSULT! Or, like they'd say over there: TODO-AFUERA-ASALTO-METALERO!

Sometimes, when I fall asleep listening to Slayer, I dream of a place where you can hang out with other metalheads with South of Heaven blasting from a car parked near-by. A place where thousands will gather to show off their backpatches. A place where I can buy an Iron Maiden Eddie rubber mask for $9 and Morbid Angel's complete bootlegged discography for $0.75. Well, my friends, that place exists, and it's called El Chopo. This heaven on earth is basically the awesomest flea market in history. Hundreds of little metal/punk/goth street vendors set up shop on the weekends through about 8 blocks of city streets. They sell EVERYTHING metal, from spikey belts and bracelets to Acid Reign bootleg DVDs; from Pungent Stench T-shirts to King Diamond embroidered patches. My Mexican friend Memo warned of the sheer amazingness of this place, but I was not ready for this level of absolute, dark, metal mayhemic (Metal Sin reference) rock-o-rama! I'm sure right now you are thinking: "No way, 'Krusher, you GOTTA be lyin'!" Nope, I'm not. Proof? I got your proof RIGHT HERE! (I'm grabbing my crotch and pointing to this YouTube video narrated by Pedro, from Napoleon Dynamite... not really.) Ignore the punk, goth and hippie shit:





Oh, yeah, they also have awesome live bands:






So, of course when I was there, I met lots of Luchadores and bought plenty of shit. I asked my new Luchador friends to pose, wearing some of the shirts I bought and here's the gallery of my treasures:

Dr. Wagner Jr. sporting an awesome WehrMacht tee.

Ultimo Dragón wearing Dark Angel


Avismo Negro (R.I.P.) in a gorgeous Venom long sleeve


Mistico (my current fave Luchador) rocks the CF t-shirt right

Please Note: The above are not the ACTUAL luchadores. It's just me wearing their masks in my apartment. Please don't make fun of my circa 1998 hp scanner/printer that I haven't used in over 5 years or of my lady bug kitchen towels, my still-sealed spice rack or my never-been-used red kettle. Shaking off the remains of my ex-wife's influence in my life is tougher than I thought. Well, Abismo Negro died like six months ago and Ultimo Dragón lives in Japan, so it's not like this fashion show would have been impossible anyway.

My Life with Danzig—A Photographic Journey

If you're anything like me, you probably still remember a time when Glenn Danzig wasn't an absolute joke. Okay, he was always a bit of a douche, but perhaps we were all too young to notice. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, if you're roughly my age, you probably remember the ongoing arguments about who would win in a fight between Danzig and Henry Rollins....or between Danzig and grizzly bear for that matter. That was before we figured out that Danzig is only 5' 2", and that his slight musculature was actually not impressive at all. Those were simpler times. Today, we've seen the light. With said light, we've noticed who Danzig fans are, and we've noticed that the people who play Danzig riffs on YouTube look like this:



Note the title of the video, which you can watch here. Also notice the fire extinguisher on the wall. That's because his shredding is so hot, he could easily set to place on fire. What the hell is that poster behind him all about? Is it a chart depicting the top ten ways to make women repulsed by you? If so, he's really applying himself. Good for him.

I'm tempted to say that we were all much cooler back in 1992 than this guy is now.But I'm afraid we weren't. As I've stated before, if YouTube had been around back then, some unbelievable footage would exist of me doing some insanely embarassing things (like playing along to Rush songs on the drums, or least trying to). Having said that, this guy (on the video) is old enough and should know better.

Anyway, I remember watching the Danzig home videos with my brother back then, and not totally laughing at them. We certainly thought the videos were odd and a bit silly, but we didn't die laughing when he talked in great detail about how an E-chord is incredibly evil, or when he shared his collection of books with us. The fact that we didn't die of laughter should serve as proof that we were both huge douchebags ourselves. It's with that mindset that I now present to you the following compilation of Danzig imagery. Maybe for a future post I will scan the picture of me and Danzig when I was 14. For now, enjoy these.

I thought these mesh shirts with fake tattoos on them were reserved for tubby Jersey guidos who go to clubs and hit on old chicks, while telling them stories about "the good old days." Oh wait...nevermind.

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Oink Oink.

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Oink, oink.
Since he's fat like a pig, I think it was a smart decision for him to put his name on the product everyone's been asking for, Danzig ham. To be fair, like Glenn himself, Danzig brand ham was way better in the early 90s, the quality of the product has dropped significantly since then, while the fat content has risen.

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Few things worth noting:
1. His bangs are teased up like a mall-goer circa 1986



2. Look at his chest area. Dude has straight up hooters.

3. He looks like a Muppet.


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Now famous image of Glenn washing his car after some dudes threw poo on it or something (you can search for the story on the Google, I'm sure). Perhaps the saddest thing about this image is that after all these years in the biz, all the guy can afford is a Jaguar XK.



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Don't you love the sassy pose on this illustration? I love how his left hand is on his hip, as though he's saying "Oh no you didn't!"



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Perhaps one of the most revolting moments ever committed to tape was when Glenn shared his book collection with us. I love how he tried very hard to sound deep during the whole thing. You have to give it up to Danzig though, the guy was ahead of his time when it came to being on screen with his shirt off. He was like the metal world's Matthew McCononaughey back then (in stupidity, annoyinigness, as well as all-out shirtlesness. According to spell check, I just made up two words).


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Another image that was requested by one of our readers. Danzig's bald spot. Makes sense that a guy old enough to have a bald spot would be buying comic book artwork of some kind at a convention. The tiny, evil man-child lives on.


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Another image that has done the internet rounds, I know, but it's still kinda' funny to me.

Wolverine gloves + mesh shirt + huge beltbuckle = WINNER.

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Per a reader's request, you can watch the video of Glenn falling off stage here. It happens at 4:09. Look at the screen shot from that video. I think he's due to give birth in like two weeks.

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I had to include this screen grab of the video where Glenn got knocked the hell out, for the sake of being thorough. I don't know that I can add anything else about this image that has not already been said. Watching an overweight man who is 5'2" and in his late 40s getting smacked around is just a bummer.



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This is not a high quality image, and Glenn is very small in the picture...I know, but look at Glenn's gut, his man boobs and his face. Priceless. He looks like he's taking a huge dump. By the way, I'm sure all his roadies are thrilled about having to carry his stupid styrofoam skulls and daggers around the whole country so he can play in front of dozens of people in places like Green Bay.



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If it wasn't for the fact that Glenn dresses like a 19 year old at a comic book convention, he could be the guy that just installed my new windows. Same hairline, that's for sure.



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Peek-a-boo, we see you and your leotard bodysuit.

Slayer, too old to rock? Apparently so.

Could it be true? Could the aging metal choo-choo train known as Slayer be coming to it's well deserved and (some might say) long-awaited stop? Based on their age and ability to produce quality music, it would certainly make sense. Tom Araya seems to agree, at least about the age part. Still, one has to wonder if perhaps Tom's catholic guilt has finally gotten to him, after singing "The Anti-Christ" one too many times. Here's part of an interview with Tom, where he discusses the eventual end of the cash cow known as Slayer:

"I don't see it going any further than a certain point in time. We have one more record to do, which is our deal with [producer Rick] Rubin, and we'll have to sit down and discuss the future. But I can't really see myself doing this at a later age."

"There have been remarks made about seeing an old man head-bang," laughs Araya. "And I have to agree. I think the Stones can do that, probably go out and do their stuff in their 80s, but it just wouldn't look right [for us], you know what I mean?

Kerry King responded to such comments in a recent interview:

Interviewer:
Tom said that after the next Slayer album, you guys would have to discuss your future as a band, because he's reaching an age where it might no longer be viable.

King:
I haven't even heard that. He hasn't talked to me about it. But after taking 10 months off, I bet you he's recharged and ready to rock. As far as I'm concerned, I look at people like Ronnie James Dio and Rob Halford and I think, 'Shit, maybe I'm not done!'"

Unable to make car payments, Kerry King has been forced to take the occasional baby sitting job as of late. Aside from providing Kerry with some extra pocket change, it has sent a clear sign to his wife that he's finally ready to settle down, stop acting like a douche, and make some babies. He'll probably keep wearing huge camo pants, but at least it's a start.

I understand both points of view. Tom wants to spend time at home with his family, going to church picnics and tending to his mane. Kerry wants to make more money so he can keep eating, and at one point finally launch his wrestling career.

No matter how awesome rednecks in Kansas think Tom is, his daughter still cries in embarrassment when forced to be seen with her aging dad.

Kane Roberts: Renaissance Man Extraordinaire

Are you shitting me? I could (and maybe should) do a whole post on this cover. Did you notice the 'KANE' letters are on fire? They are on fire, man! And the helicopter is obviously looking for him 'cuz everyone knows it's illegal to attach bottle caps to your leather pants.

Well, Kane Roberts is the infamous Alice Cooper axe-man better known as "The douche with the machine-gun guitar who tries to look like Rambo." What most may not know is that Kane (real name Robert William) is a multi-talented Renaissance Man. This fucker is also an artist AND a video game designer! I hate "video game designers." There's something about that title that enrages me. I'm not sure what it is... maybe the fact that 80% of the people who claim to be "video game designers" are just fat losers waiting to die from a diabetic seizure induced by an over consumption of Jolt Cola, who think they are better than everyone in their on-line community 'cuz they can write 3 lines of code in their 'puter in their parents basement and read an on-line tutorial on texture mapping. (I know that was a run-on sentence, but it's OK 'cuz it's a pretty bad-ass diatribe). OK, back to Kane: His "art" is illustrated below. It's SO FUCKING TERRIBLE, I don't know where to start, so I'll make no comment and let the images "speak for themselves." Try not to choke on your saliva when LOLing.




Here's a few other images I came across during the research phase of the post:

Alice: "I hate you, Mom.. I'll kill you!" - Kane: "Me have big biceps."

The lamest/awesomest guitar store in the world. Is that a guitar in the shape of a priest in the back?

Teens in Sweden LOVE a buff dude with feather earrings and Sigourney Weaver doo. Seriously, do you know how much fresh poon I got in Uppsala last time I was there

Headbanger's Ball Memories

A bit of metal history salvaged from the Metal Inquisition video vault, freshly transfered from Beta tape for your viewing pleasure. Please note the dopey fans at the beginning. I think this video marks the last time that Kerry King's hair was seen anywhere.


It's also the last time he was seen looking like a normal human being, and not a wrestler...though he did have the sweet lines shaved in his facial hair. Listen to him call Alice In Chains "Alice". Enjoy.

Great moments in art history: Voivod

There's a few things out there that sound good on paper, but in reality are pretty gay and people who like them should be treated as criminals. Things like snowboarding, video games in general, the Sopranos, Buddhism and Voivod.

There's not many bands out there I hate as much as I hate Voivod. I know there's a whole bunch of people out there who love them and will be quick to tell me what an ignorant fool I am for hating these Canucks, but I despise their music. Maybe I don't get it, but I hate their whole discography. From the early thrashier shit to the 90's stuff to the new shit. I hate it all. Just give me some serious fucking metal without all the techno-esoterical shit, you know? But there's more to my hatred... I think the reason I hate them so much is 'cuz they should have ruled. Voivod should be the raddest band ever! I mean all the elements of a shredding band were there! A cool name, good band member names, awesome image, and they were on a cool label. Even all that sci-fi robotic bullshit they were into, that now seems so fucking retarded, was cool back in the day. But the one thing that Voivod had going for them that, in my opinion, gave the obligation to rock hard was their artwork. Man, their logo was bad-ass and their records were chuck-full of awesome artwork. (I know that anything after 1989 sucks Canadian-hockey-loving-balls, but the early art was amazing and that's what this post is about)

These guys looked the part. What a waste of good bullet belts.

Sadly, however, Away, Piggy, Snake, Puppy, Teletubby and Sleepy formed a band that just sucked and found enough imbeciles with serious intelligence and taste deficiency to have a following that keeps them going to this day. I'd rather own one embroidered Voivod patch than their entire discography on limited edition 24k gold CDs.
Imagine if all Voivod fans would have saved the money they have spent on sub-par technical shit metal and put it in a jumbo-jar instead. Imagine how much money would be in that jumbo-jar? Millions of dollars, I'm sure. Millions of dollars we could have used to help the victims of today's world tragedies: the earthquake in China, the Cyclone in Burma, the food crisis in Africa or the Cavalera Conspiracy.

Anyway, let's take a closer look at some sweet, sweet art...

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Even in the early days Away's art was pretty metal. The type is rad and the tank has fucken spikes on the tracks. I'm a bit disappointed that the perspective is pretty good in the tank and the logo. I'd love to have seen a really crooked way off perspective, which would have been WAY more metal.

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Again, hand-written metal type is back and becomes a staple of Voivod's visual repertoire. IMO, this is the raddest piece of art Voivod produced. The logo is incredible and that techno-skull is as bad as the baddest riff Jeff Hanneman ever wrote.


Here's a further exploration of the techno-skull ("The Voivod"). This ranks #3 in the all-time best back-patch of all times list, after the Motörhead England skull and Venom's Black Metal.




Finally, the techno-skull comes into maturity. This is the best of all Voivod logos. It's got spikes and spaceship/building looking shit. It's just metal. This is the type of record I'd frame and when people asked me why I did that, I'd tell them "cuz the Gods of Metal have given us a gift. A gift of amazing Metal Art and I want to thank them, and honor them, by framing it" And then they'd ask me how I can listen to the record if it's framed, to which I'd reply "The Gods of Metal hate Canada, so the record is not worth listening to."

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I know what you are thinking: "I could have done this!" And you are right. My landlord's kid could have done a better logo and he's autistic. You gotta admit, tho, it's a pretty metal logo. Look at those spikes! Sure, the "D" is more like a sleeping "P", but I'm sure Away wasn't going for legibility. They are French-Canadian, dude, they don't even speak American. The perspective and foreshortening on The Voivod are prime. It looks and feels cubist, which we all know is just a label for talentless artists to hide under. Dude, look at that machine gun, the gas mask, the bullet arm-band, the Oderus Urungus-like shoulder pads... this is a Metal Masterpiece, if I ever saw one.

Cubist art was an obvious influence on Away's art

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I'm not sure why, but as a teen I thought RRROOOAAARRR was the best name for a record ever. Of course, I also wore a golden razor blade earring, so what did I know. Well, this cover is a natural progression from the previous one. Away sticks to the always reliable red/white/black color combo and may the Virgin Mary bless him for that (Do Canadians believe in the Virgin? Savages). It feels like the camera panned out from the War and Pain cover and revealed more of The Voivod. Plenty of spikes, once again. The Road Warriors pads make an encore and we appreciate them, once again. Also making a welcome re-appearance are the spike tracks on the tank. Nobody wants to fuck with a pissed off looking hunchback metal robotic tank thing with a knife. There's also a little Ed Roth thing going on here.

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I'm not sure why The Voivod turned into an old tape recorder/ghost grinder, but this cover is the beginning of the end. All the perspective and cubist experimentation is gone and we are left with a flat dead-on view of the subject. The spikes are all but gone and replaced with rivets. The colors are as poser as they can get and that gradient is pretty generic and does not help the static composition. I'm not sure about the bandages around his waist (right around where the cassette goes), maybe all the ghost-grinding takes up a lot of calcium and causes ribs to weaken. After this record Voivod's art went to the shit dumpster. Seriously, the covers from now on are so bad they almost match the terribleness of their music.

Ghosts maybe scary, but they are 0% metal.

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I was looking for a pic of someone sporting a rad Voivod tattoo to close the post, but I couldn't find one. What I did find was a photo of Lita Ford.