Praise Jesus, Praise Real Estate!

Remember how Roger Martinez from Vengeance Rising was way into JC?



That was the old Roger. These days, he's got himself an oversized suit from the discount rack at Men's Warehouse, and he's now way into Real Estate.

Interview with Robert Sweet from Stryper

Charlie from Anthrax would have totally rocked this kit during the State of Euphoria years. Where are those cymbals hanging from? Heaven?

Stryper, the band, the myth...the christian bumble bees. For the better part of the 80s, Stryper successfully co-opted metal and reapropriated it into a parent-safe, christian racket...smart move. A few years back, I had the opportunity to speak with Robert Sweet, Stryper's drummer, after a show. He was playing with a band from the midwest called Planet Scream, during some time off from Stryper. This interview was originally done for a previous endeavor in metal journalism that went nowhere. For that reason, I'm posting it here in Metal Inquisition for all to enjoy.

First allow me to set the scene. I should tell you that I drove a short while to make this interview happen, which in retrospect is a bit embarrassing. I arrived, and parked my car in the muddy parking lot of a bar in a hellish little town. In attendance were roughly 100 people, pretty much all of them there to see Mr. Sweet, not the band he was playing for. I guess the same was true for me. Even the flier for the show had his name printed larger than anything else on it, including the band's name. Now that I'm reading this interview for the first time in years, I can think of a million questions I could and should have asked him. Leading up to the interview, some of my friends came up with questions I should ask him. Most of the questions, as you can imagine, were pretty provocative or downright nasty...and thus insanely funny. But I chickened out in the last minute. I remember looking down at my little notebook, and seeing these awful questions. I couldn't do it. It would have been tough to get any such questions answered, since Robert had a large band manager hanging behind him who would have surely put me in my place. Some questions would have been enough to make the large man pound me into the ground. Getting your face re–arranged is embarrassing enough, having it done by Stryper or a Stryper staffer can be downright demeaning. Can you imagine you show up to work with a busted nose, and you have to tell people that you basically got your ass beat by Stryper? Not cool. So, I opted for subtle sarcasm instead, which I hope some of you enjoy. In some questions I'm trying to be funny without him noticing (like the questiong about the pole and the vaseline.)

I recently went back and heard the tape of this interview, and I was surprised to hear evidence of slight fear and hesitation in my voice, especially when asking him some of the more embarrassing questions. Hope it was worth it. Enjoy the interview.

Ooofah! I guess the mismatching hair and goatee are part of the yellow and black color scheme?

I’ve heard great stories about you on tour, one being that your 60 inch gong fell on your head while you were playing, knocking you down on the floor. But the story I really love about you is one that has to do with a long pole, some Vaseline and the guys from Great White. Is that stuff true?
Well, that makes it sound bad. I can explain.

Well, yes. Please do. Explain away, because it sounds nuts.
It was White Lion, not Great White.


But still, would that make it any different? The things involved in the story alone are a bit out there.
Well, so White Lion opened for us on the “In God We Trust” tour. What they did, is they put Vaseline on the pole that I used to climb up to my drum set. It wasn't a random pole. Anyway, I slipped and almost busted my kneecaps because of the vaseline. It was terrible.

Ahh, I see. That's less fun than what I imagined.
Well, come on. See, there’s tons of stories, here’s one that's real also. We were playing Radio City in New York in the “In God We Trust” tour, we had all this pyro and someone had mistakenly pushed all this pyro underneath my drum riser which was made of grating that my seat was bolted to. When the bomb went off it came up through the riser and hit me right in the face. It was a powerful, black powder concussion. I was black; I couldn’t see or breathe. It was the end of “Soldiers Under Command”, the guys were strumming away, and I had to run off the stage, run to the end of the stage where there was fresh air to breathe take in a big gulp run back up the riser while the guys are still strumming and finish the song holding my breath. I was completely black, my hair was black, and my face was black. I was no longer black and yellow stripes; I was just completely black. There’s tons of those stories, I should be dead.

One of Robert's early sketches for Stryper's on-stage outfits.

Oh man, that sounds terrible. Not the explosion, but the part about getting your hair all messed up! You guys were very put together as a band.
Well, it was bad. By the way bro, I hope our set was okay tonight. I couldn’t hear what was going on up there.

Oh, it was fantastic. True Heavy Metal! [Total lie on my part. I didn't hear a note they played. I showed up late and missed the show]
Was it?

It was!
Thank you.

So, what was the first album you owned as a kid? Was it christian music?
It was definitely Grand Funk Railroad actually, around 1970. I was 10 years old and I wore that record out. Then I bought the Kiss “Alive” record. After that, the next big influence was Van Halen. I didn’t want to copy, and wanted to be myself. I started to turn my drums sideways I was trying to have a different set up. Most people would ask me I was a lead singer when they met me, so I thought “This is what I want, this is good.” I didn’t like the image of drummers, most of the time the drummer was hidden behind the drum set wearing a pair of shorts, you didn’t even notice him. If the band had put a drum machine there it wouldn’t have mattered. So I said to myself that I wanted to change that. I wanted people to see what drummers really do, and see how hard they work, to see how hard they try and how painful it all is.

Oh it's painful, especially if the band you're touring with puts Vaseline on your pole!
Yeah, that was a tough day. I love those guys though.



During the 80’s, Stryper was an extremely popular band. There was even a comic book made about your life named “Soldier of God”. Was it hard for you to stick to your principles as a Christian having all these temptations around you like drugs, alcohol, groupies and unecesseraly large drum sets­?
No, in my opinion women are beautiful, they’re a gift from God. For me a “wife” is simply “life” with a “W”.

Hmm. Well, yes. If you replace the "L" in "life", it spells "wife". That's true.
Right. To me, Christianity is a focus on Christ; it’s not necessarily a list of wrongs or rights, even though there is wrong or right. If you think too much of do’s and dont’s you get your eyes of the main focus. So, was it hard? No, the bigger the band became the easier it got. It’s what I wanted to do, if I weren’t a Christian I would have still played rock and roll music. You know, it was like taking two hammers and hitting some tin five thousand times an hour while having fun. The bigger the band became, the greater the opportunity became to voice our message of Jesus.

Where did the yellow and black striped scheme you used in all your records, the logo and your outfits come from? Were you guys into bumble bees or something?
Ha, ha. No. I came up with that, I just thought it was a great look and you couldn’t miss it. If you couldn’t remember the name of our band you would remember that we were the guys in yellow and black stripes. I thought it was pretty rock and roll lookin’. It was flash, it was in your face and I loved it. I still love it.

The bands color scheme changed at some point to blue and black. Big change. Why?
That was a major, major mistake. I wish it would have never happened. I love that record “Against The Law”, but the image that went along with it was a mistake. If I could go back in a time machine, Stryper’s image would not have changed, because I think it was an awesome image. Even though the image changed back then, the vibe was always really the same.

Are you familiar with a band called Nocturnus? They talk about time travel a good bit.
No, I'm not familiar.



They're really great. In the 80s, you were known for having very large drum sets, which were rather inventive. What was your favorite or biggest set from that time?
The biggest drum set I ever had was 105 pieces. I had 8 bass drums, and a 5000-watt monitor, so I’m lucky I can still hear. My drum set was a city, it was too hard and time consuming to take apart, so it was picked up by a forklift and put into a large semi truck. It had 70 microphones, and over 30 cymbals. It was incredible, I loved it. There was a set in front of me and one behind me. I would play the chorus on one and then spin and play the verse on the other side. It was fun.


But with only two feet, how did you use 8 bass drums?
I spun in a circle and played them with my feet.

So you are a drummer, and a gymnast at the same time?
I don’t want to say that I’m Mr. Great, but I do try with my heart of hearts. I’ll give it the best I have, so I really try.

How many horrible fashion styles came together to make this outfit happen? Jesus. Nice J-Lo glasses. Is he starring in a remake of Charlie's Angels for the Trinity Network?

Would you and Dave Lombardo, or Fenriz from Darkthrone, do a double­–bass battle like the Buddy Rich and Gene Kruppa drum battles? You could call it “The Battle Between Good and Evil”? It could be a pay-per-view special. What do you think?
I think Dave's an incredible drummer, I really do. I told him that one time. I went into his dressing room at the Ritz in New York and I just said “I think you’re an incredible drummer”. I think he’s a better drummer than I am, but I don’t think good drumming is all what you do, I think it’s how you do it. And I look at myself as a simple drummer, what’s more important than your ability is the vibe that you give off. Like its not what you say, but how you say it. That’s how I look at drumming, because there’s always gonna be somebody who’s better. Could I do that with Dave? Sure. I think it could be fun, I think he’s an incredible player.


In your concerts, you always threw out Bibles, which I always thought was a very interesting concept. Where did the Bibles come from? Did the band have a Bible sponsor of sorts? Did the label or did the band buy all of them?
We bought them. The band paid for the whole thing. We felt it was a good thing to do. So we did it. It felt good to do that for the kids. But listen, thank you bro. Thanks a lot, but I really have to go.

OK, thank you.
Thanks.

Where are they now: Danny Spitz (with a little Nicko McBrain thrown in for good measure)

Check out Danny's eyes, he's looking in 27 different directions at the same time.

Known the world-over for our hard-hitting research and investigative reports, Metal Inquisition once again steps up to deliver the goods. This time we are looking into one of our favorite figures in the world of metal. I'm referring, of course, to the leading 5'1", cross-eyed watchmaker in the greater Boca Raton area: Danny Spitz.

We've reported before about Danny's business ventures, but decided to take a closer look at his life, and accomplishments away from the world of metal. What did we find? Some watches, some Maiden and a whole lot of baby Jesus.

Who's that tiny man behind the big desk? Is that one of Santa's elves hard at work in the workshop?

After years of playing with Anthrax, Danny was kicked out due to "a severe disinterest in playing guitar." After that time, Danny decided to cut his ties to music, going as far as ripping out all stereos from has cars. This is according to his website, but to be fair he probably did so because a cassette of Attack Of The Killer B's was probably stuck in there. Can you blame the guy? I'd rip out my car stereo too. He also gave away most of his guitars to Hard Rock Cafes all over the world. Damn! If any reader has seen his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Jackson flying-v while munching on a delicious cheeseburger in a Hard Rock Cafe in a Caribbean island, please let me know on the double! I dream of being in the presence of that sweet axe!

I dream of looking at that amazing fretboard while I dine on a fine cheeseburger.

It was at that time that Danny went on to pursue his life-long dream of learning how to replace watch bands, and batteries. Perhaps one day he was walking by a Dakota Watch Company stand at the mall, and he thought to himself "I really want to change batteries and watchbands, just like that teenager. By god, I will pursue this dream!". Danny got a bunch of degrees in Switzerland from schools no one has ever heard of, and he's now licensed to change the batteries in my Casio calculator watch.

Danny on graduation day in Switzerland. Is that Lars Ulrich to his right? Does this mean that Lars also knows how to change my watch battery? If it is Lars, he's actually the tallest person in a picture for once!

Danny now owns his own repair shop in Boca Raton, and has attempted to launch his own watch company. It was at his Boca Raton shop that he reconnected with Nicko McBrain from Iron Maiden, who went in to get a strap on his watch replaced or something. This is where things get more interesting, at least for me. Nicko and Danny started making music in Danny's studio after meeting up at the shop. Aside for their shared love of music, watches, and living in Florida (who knew Boca Raton was the preferred retirement spot for aging rockers?), they are both really into Jesus. Big time. You see, Danny was born Jewish, but converted to Messianic Judaism, which really has nothing to do with Judaism. They believe in good ol' JC, and are similar to Jews For Jesus. As a matter of fact, once you convert to Messianic Judaism, Israel will refuse to give you citizenship. But enough about that. Turns out, Nicko is also way into the Lord. He converted upon setting foot inside Spanish River Church, a Boca Raton mega-church, after his wife begged him to go. Once inside the church, he began to cry uncontrollably, according to him.

Nice to see that Nicko has already started to wear the standard-issue David Koresh glasses. Nothing accents a pug-face like his like those shop safety glasses do. Nice job Nicko.

So it makes sense that these two started to play music. Though there is no word from Anthrax about Danny's possible attempts to convert them, Nicko says the following about Iron Maiden:

"I can't say to you that I'm trying to convert all these guys in my band to be Christians. I'm leading them on my route, and if they choose to follow what God's plan is in the Bible, that's up to them. I say to them all, you know, look, in my belief, at the moment, if you turn to your saviour Jesus Christ, I'll have eternal life in Heaven with you!"

Anyway the band they started, called 7x70 (a biblical refereence), also featudred Vanilla Ice (no joke), and Dave Ellefson from Megadeth, though Dave never actually played with them. No material was ever released. It's sad that the world missed out on the amazing music that such a brain trust would surely put together. Can you imagine? I picture it starting out with the bass line from Peace Sells. After that, the drums from Run To the Hills start up (yes, I know Clive Burr played that song originally) and then some sweet leads kick in courtesy of Danny. Once it all gets going, Vanilla Ice starts rapping over the whole thing. Can you say "amazing"?

Danny is currently doing another band with members from Accept and King Diamond, who are no doubt born again christians of some sort as well. Danny actually unveiled his plans for this band at the Cornerstone Festival. In his site he wrote:

I do feel (as I did in the past) that I have created an entirely new sound never heard by the human ear before.

"As I did in the past"? Is he talking about his solo in "Indians", because I would have to agree. That shit was blazin'! Anyway, Danny is now married to a woman named Candi. Who he said this about:

Not to confuse all you horny men out there that might think I have found the love of my life by her looks, big boobs, and fine butt alone... but Candi is the most kind-hearted, giving, and devoted partner I have ever had the pleasure of touching. She is a gift from the Lord and has an extensive education uinder her blonde belt.

Uh...okay. Candi is the daughter of a lesbian singer from Tampa, who primaraly sings Judy Garland showtunes. This is her site. They have twins together, who act in Volkswagen commercials (the latest ones for the minivan which star Brooke Shields) and were also in the Batman movie. If you are way into babies, you can read a whole interview about them here. Move over Olsen twins! Mini-Daddy needs to cash in after being fired from Anthrax!

Oh my! Look at that facial hair! Do I detect a mild case of Robb Flynn's disease? Also, those are so amazingly sculpted eyebrows.

After typing all this down, I'm both tired and depressed. I'm gonna' go listen to Among The Living while I take a nap.

Metal Inquisition wishes all of you a Heavy Christmas

In the words of 220 Volt, we wish you a heavy Christmas. From all of us, to all of you.

We hope baby Jesus brings you all the gifts you asked for. In the case of our beloved Metal Inquisition receptionist Dorothy, that meant a case of Bud Light. Don't drink it all at once Dorothy!

Dorothy, our hard working administrative assistant and receptionist. When you call our 1-800 number, this is the lovely lady that will greet you at the other end of the line.

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb (Part 2)

As this picture was taken, a father turned to his concerned wife during a quiet dinner and said the following:

"Oh, will you relax Estelle! Jason's just away at college having a good time, it's not like he's letting his friends crucify him upside-down in order to parade him around the dorm."

Please note that the guy getting crucified is wearing sandals, in order to make the whole thing that much more realistic. Bravo. Others would have just worn their white New Balance walking shoes and called it a day.



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Memo
To: Aspiring Teenage Black Metallers
From: Black Metal Governing Body (BMGB)
Re: Make-up

As the BMGB has stated before (see Memo #3651), the differences between the make-up required to be an evil black metaller, a mime, a juggalo and a clown may seem slight...but they are crucial. First, please remember to follow the very important 60-40 rule (roughly 60% must be black or white, with the remaining 40% being the other color) and remember not to pose in front of your grandma's floral drapes for band pictures. We admire your use of the "holding two evil grapefruits" pose, but we must also remind you that the use of top-hats is absolutely banned, and best left to 75 year old Jewish women like Alice Cooper. Thank you for your cooperation.

When you think about it, a clown like this way is actually way creepier and more evil than any black metal douche will ever be. Why? Because as this picture was taken he was on the phone, even though he was roaming....which will incur unbelievable roaming charges to be paid by his employer (who pays for his phone bill). Is that not evil? I think it is.

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This is what happens when you leave your pet black metal band out in the backyard while it's raining. The band gets all wet and sad-looking. Lesson learned? Bring your pet black metal band indoors before its plumage gets all droopy.

By the way, if I ever find the photographer who took this shot, I'm gonna' have a few words with him. Why on earth would he crop out the guy on the left (barely visible) who is clearly a pioneer in the arena of Victorian-Black Metal fashion? If there's one thing I love about pseudo black metal bands, it's their flair for mixing in dabs of victorian, goth and gay fashion in. These guys went ahead and brought in bridal fashion, pirate fashion and topped it off with a dark blue rain poncho. Amazing.



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1. Is that the tiny microphone that comes with Rock Band?
2. Laser hair removal. Look it up. I mean, who has hair on the underside of their forearms? This guy must be part monkey, or Italian. Oh, that's the same thing. Sorry.
3. Note the extremely straight, and perfect line in which his chest hair ends. Ugh.
4. Tasteful ceiling fan. I love its ornate, detailed body, with its Tuscan-inspired patina finish.




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I can't even begin to make fun of these guys. My brother and I would have willingly given up our thumbs to know dudes like this,and be their friends back in 1989. Come to think of it, I would still kill to be their friend today. The guy furthest to the right gets points deducted for not wearing high-tops (is he going to church or something?), but the rest of the dudes are pretty much the coolest guys I've ever seen. The only thing missing from the picture to make it the raddest dudes ever circa 1987-89? A skateboard.


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Could someone, anyone, send a memo to all black metal bands clearly outlining the delicate, yet obvious boundaries between evil attire, and S&M gay leather-bar gear? It's bad enough that teenagers are already wearing clown make-up thinking it's black metal...but this is ridiculous. The Black Metal Governing Body really has to get on this stuff, or black metal will become a joke. Wait, it already has.


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At first, you look at this picture and think there's little wrong with it. Then you look closer and see the following:
1. Police tape guitar strap. Why? Because his slap-bass skillz are KILLER!
2. Denim shorts? Really? Jesus, I thought that by the time a Will Farrell movie (Talladega Nights) made fun of something, everyone knew it was time to retire these things.
3. Mexican singer dude has fingerless gloves that say "love" and "hate" on the knuckles. Wearing these things is pretty much like wearing one of those bodysuits that makes it look like you have tattoos when you don't.



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I can't take credit for the Photoshop work on this one. I would have done a better job, and would never let the word "covering" be hyphenated. Still, it's pretty good. By the way, I thought we had all agreed on the "facial hair doesn't mix with black metal make-up" rule. No?


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God damn! Is there a "Turbo" button in the Japanese* psyche that allows them to take any element of a sub-culture to the extreme? If so, I want a "Turbo" button. Check out the names of the band members:

Freddy, Left Face of Maradou
The pseudo black metal equivalent of TLC's Lisa Left-Eye Lopez

Doris, Thunder Tears
Her name comes from the ongoing crying fits that are brought on when she's told that she's the only female member due to regulations in the world of pop black metal which clearly state that one member must be a female.

Dani, Azathothian Hands
Azathoth is a fictional character created by HP Lovecraft...I'm guessing he had way evil hands.

CJ, Dispersed Fingers
I guess his fingers are spread far apart or something? Is that evil? What's the deal with these guys being so obsessed with fingers and hands?

Su-Nung, The Bloody String
Yes, that's the guy's actual name. Here at M.I. we like to keep things classy. As such, we'll let the readers insert their own joke about tampons here.


Lastly, Check out the haircut on the guy standing on the top right of the picture. Remind you of anyone? He's like the Rachael of black metal


* Yes, it's been pointed out that Chthonic are actually from Taiwan...but saying they're from Japan is funnier.

Great moments in art history: Grim Reaper

Out of all the triumphs in the world of art, few can compare to the cover of Grim Reaper's seminal album "Fear No Evil". Grim Reaper is known to most simply as "the band with the hideous singer whose looks made everyone around the world dry-heave in disgust", or the band whose video had a cameo by Joey Belladona. But with time, we have gained insight. With that insight, we have come to see the undeniable value of this fantastic cover.




Hair Side-Note:
Grim Reaper toured once with Anthrax in the mid 80s. That's all it took for them to take on the absolutely worst characteristic of our beloved New York City thrashers...the poodle haircut. The diagram above shows the three characteristic shapes found within Charlie Benante's stylish poodle cut. The poodle haircut, in case you didn't know, was a rare sub-genus of the mullet species, primarily seen in the greater New York City area. The poodle haircut required constant attention and primping, much like a topiary at Epcot Center.

Fantastic topiaries in gardens such as these require much less work than the poodle cuts found atop New York thrashers like Anthrax.

And Now, Back To The Record Cover:
Breaking away from the norm, the artist of this masterpiece turned his back on oils and airbrushing (common media of the day) and made the bold move of using colored pencils and (perhaps) pastels. Pencils, though not commonly known as an effective device to portray true brutality, nevertheless managed to beautifully convey an amazing scene for this cover. Why do I say "amazing"? Just think about what is being shown in this terrifying piece of art. Picture yourself chillin' in church (or a holy place of your choice) with your parents. You're about 13, and you're there because your mom makes you go. In reality, you'd rather be home watching Hellraiser in the basement, or listening to...say....Grim Reaper. You're wearing ill-fitting, pleated-front khakis, along with the free plastic belt they came with. The sermon is moving along slowly, and you're bored to tears. All of a sudden....BOOOM! A god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton bursts through the stained glass windows like the Kool-Aid man! Holy Mary mother of baby Jesus! It's the Grim Reaper skeleton! Tell me this wouldn't totally make your day?

This is kinda' what a bored teenager looks like, while in church, in most western countries. Note the Lens Crafters "2 for $49.99" wire rim glasses.

Now, I'm no art expert so I'm not sure how this cover has anything to do with the title "Fear No Evil". But maybe it does. Am I not supposed to fear him? He's certainly evil. He's plenty evil actually, sorry if that opinion is not very metal...but I'd be scared as all hell. I mean, look, if this guy is riding his motorcycle through those expensive stained glass windows, he's pretty evil! And, at the risk of sounding like a little bitch, I do fear him. What would you do if you were just sitting quietly in church and a god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton plowed through the window? At the very least, you'd be startled. Don't try to be all metal and say "nah dude, that would be rad!", cus you know you'd be scared as all hell. Come on, the old ladies in church would freak the hell out, piss their diapers and at least one of them would die from a heart attack. Why you ask? Did I mention that a fucking motorcycle just burst through the fucking stained-glass window? Oh...and another thing, the fucking motorcycle was being ridden—not by a normal human being—no. It was the fucking Grim Reaper on two fucking wheels!


With that out of the way, let me comment on a couple of other things. First, look at the impressive work that was put into his robe. Sadly, no such work went into the perspective. Just look at the part of the wall that is visible on the right. Oops, it's going the other way. Also, by the time he finished the robe and had to draw the outside of the building that is visible through the broken window, the very place the Grim Reaper is coming from, he decided to call it a day and simply paint it all black. I also love how this skeleton dude is pure evil, but still manages to place his big toe, every so gently once inside the building. Based on the length of his toenails, I'd say the man is due for a day of pampering and a mani-pedi, but he's still demure with his toe placement. Also, check out those teeth. Oh my.

A rare photo of the Grim Reaper at a mani-pedi party with friends.

Regarding the motorcycle, I'm hoping an enthusiast out there can fill us in on the accuracy of the steel horse he's ridding. Isn't he riding super far back on the bike? The bike seems to have no brake mechanism in the front wheel at all either. That's pretty evil, no brakes...dude is crazy evil! I see brake levers, but no disc brake in the front hub. I thought those were pretty much standard, no? Also, the front wheel is not exactly round either. I think it's pretty cool that even though he's the Grim Reaper and all, he still likes to personalize his bike. Note the goat/devil head in the front suspension. That's like the equivalent of a "baby on board" sign in the underworld. They're all the rage down there.

Lastly, I took this picture of my own personal copy of the album. Check out the sweet contest they were running when the album came out, it was called "Reaper Madness". Get it? It's like "Reefer Madness"! More importantly, you could win a Grim Reaper jersey or headband! Oh man! I'm so bummed that by the time I bought this record, the contest had ended like 10 years earlier. Damn.

Underrated Masters: Mortal Sin

In a post a few weeks back, I reported, in detail, about Tankard. The Germans are one of the most underrated bands in Metal. In the same vein, Mortal Sin never got the recognition they deserved. Most things from Australia are pretty shitty and gay, like kangaroos, koalas, INXS and Olivia Newton-John. But not these Aussies!

When we were a kids, my brother and I were limited musically to whatever records made it to South America's stores and whatever dubbed tapes we got from friends, who'd gotten them from their friends. Well, in a trip to the record store in the mall in '89 or so, we saw a Face of Despair record in the Rock section. At first I thought the band might be some shitty Christian rock, but when I turned the record around I realized these guys meant business. Metal business. White high-tops, ripped frosted denim jeans, sleeveless "Shut-up and Skate" T-shirt and Suicidal Tendencies-like bandanas? Damn, the temptation was too much. We bought the LP and played it as soon as we got home. We were not disappointed.

"Face of Despair" quickly became one of our favorite records. We never really got the cover, with the girl and the "SEX" neon sign and a syringe and the crucifix... I guess they were trying to make a deep point about girls and sex and health care in Australia. Whichever way, the music spoke for itself. The first song on side B, "Innocent Torture" opens with a rad sample of a judge sentencing someone to death. From there Mortal Sin rip a fucking awesome tune with awesome riffs that would make Tenacious D proud. The production on the record is not super clean and the guitar sound is a little whiney, but the that song is still one of my favorite thrash tracks of all time. The other tune in here that is bad-ass is "I Am Immortal". Here's a video from some TV show in the 1989. It might be in Australia, but I thought they only got electricity there in the late 90's...




So, here we were, in love with a band we knew nothing about and wanting more. We didn't even know where they were from. We'd have settled for any info at all, but what we had coming was more than we expected. Enter: the Peña Twins.

If it wasn't for Mortal Sin, the Peña Twins wouldn't be mentioned at all in our memoirs. The Twins used to ride bus #1 from school with us and got off on 140th Street, just below 7th Avenue. They were pretty annoying kids and were always getting in trouble, so my brother and I ignored them through the school year. That was only until one day, when one of them (the one with braces) asked me if I'd ever heard of Mortal Sin. "Fuck!", I thought, "how does this little shit know about OUR band?" Mortal Sin wasn't a band people were allowed to listen to without getting permission from us. After all, we'd discovered them. How did Peña Twin #1 know about them? How did he know anything about metal at all? Sure he wore high-tops and had a skater cut with a rat-tail, but he was far from being metal. They knew who Black Sabbath was and maybe even Metallica, but that was about it. My friends and I had a list of ALL metalheads in the school and the Peña Twins were NOT in it. I was shocked. Hiding my outrage, I told them I knew who they were. He then told me he had one of their records. "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, this POSER has a Mortal Sin record?" Well, he probably bought it by mistake in the same record store we bought ours, I thought. "I can't remember what it's called, but the cover has a demon eating buildings" - "You must be mistaken, dude. That's not a demon, it's a little girl. And she's not eating shit, she's scared as hell!" He told me I was crazy and he'd bring the record to school the next day.

Originally released in '86 with the cover on the left and re-issued in '87 with the cover on the right.

"Fuck my ass!" or something like that, is what I thought the next day when I saw one of the Peña Twins holding "Mayhemic Destruction." I don't even know if it was the same Twin, but at that point I was more concerned with being one-uped by certified posers than analyzing the differences between these 2 genetic mutant freaks. My brother and I looked at each other in horror. We were both thinking the same thing: "Don't look surprised, we can't let them think they know more than we do." But they did. They had a Mortal Sin record we didn't! It was too much to bare, we had to compromise our metal integrity to listen to this record. I broke down and asked him to borrow it. "We already have it on tape, at home, of course" I lied, "but the tape is really old and you can hardly hear it."
Wow! The sound was much rawer than I had expected. I realized while listening to it that it was their first record. It wasn't as Meliah Rage-ish as "Face...", it reminded me more of "Kill 'Em All" or "Ride The Lightning" Pretty goddam metal whatever it reminded me off. I made a tape of the record and returned it to the fucking Peña Twins. Fuck'em. Here's my favorite tune from that album, "Women In Leather".





It wasn't until 12 years later that I would finally own a copy of "Mayhemic (is that even a real word?) Destruction" I got a really nice Japanese pressing that I paid entirely too much money for. I also scored a 12" single called "Voyage Of The Disturbed" that the sold on tour in the US in '89.

My Mortal Sin vinyl collection today. The Peña Twins ain't got shit on me anymore!

So, I guess after "Face..." the Australians went the way of kangaroo shit. The have re-formed again and again, but it's not the same. One of the dudes put out a record in '91 under the name Mortal Sin and got sued quick-like. What a douche.

What a gay cover. No wonder he got sued.

A new record came out in '07, but the new line up is pretty pathetic and a few of them have advanced cases of Robb Flynn's Disease. It's very sad. See for yourself. The video starts off with no audio, but give it a second.

Anyway, here's to another underrated band that made the days of my youth worth living. Cheers, mates!

Praise Christ: A brief overview of Jesus metal

Although I am anything but a Christian, for some reason I've always had a soft spot for the sweet sounds of Christ's love put to music. Here are some of the most notable examples I've come across, but please add your own in the comments!

Even by 1990s thrash metal standards, Mortification were stunningly unfashionable

Mortification
The first time I heard Mortification was about 15 years ago on one of those shitty early 90s death metal comps, I think it was "At Death's Door." They had one track on it, "Scrolls of the Megilloth," which was absolutely crushing and to this day of the best death metal songs I have ever heard. That song was so great that I made the mistake of paying $18 for the full length at some Christian bookstore in Mount Vernon, Washington. It turns out that the rest of their catalog is absolutely awful, third-rate death/thrash along the lines of Demolition Hammer or something but much worse.

Verdict: 2/5 crucifixes

Christian bands have never been shy about charging exorbitant prices for their merch, and at $17 for 2lbs, Tourniquet coffee is no exception!

Tourniquet
I am pretty sure that my introduction to Tourniquet was in some guitar magazine back in 1993 or so. I think they had a feature on Jesus metal or something. Anyway, Tourniquet had long song titles like "Pathogenic Ocular Dissonance" so I thought they would sound like Carcass, but they definitely did not. However, their brand of progressive thrash for Christ was very good nonetheless, with outstanding drumming. But the best thing about Tourniquet is their coffee! (Thanks to reader Keith Kahn Harris for the tip!)

Verdict: 3/5 crucifixes

Note the fancy cuffs on the guy's shirt on the bottom left- you have to admire that kind of attention to detail!

Stryper
I love Stryper so much that once I looked up Isaiah 53:5, which is the verse that they quote on all their covers and stuff (King James):

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Well I guess that explains their outfits! But look how they fucked it up in the NIV. Someone on the NIV translation staff should have been on the lookout for potential conflicts like this, because now Stryper's whole image doesn't make any sense at all!!!

...the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Anyway, people who read the NIV are morons who can't be saved so who cares.

Verdict: 4/5 crucifixes


Believer
Believer were nothing less than the finest thrash metal band of the 1990s. Well, perhaps tied with Forced Entry and Dark Angel for that title. In any case, they were great and if you don't listen to them on the regular, it is highly likely that you're a poser. All of their albums are excellent, but "Sanity Obscure" is maybe the best, complete ass-raping thrash (for Christ). Their third album, "Dimensions" is also excellent although it is much different. It sounds exactly like Earth Crisis, only the lyrics are all about killing sinners in the name of Jesus instead of "the cow, the cat, the fetus or the rat."

Verdict: 5/5 crucifixes

This is a photo of Devastation, but really it could be any generic 1990s death metal band, and would you know any different?

Devastation
The first 45 seconds or so of this record are fucking sweeeeeet, one of the most brutal thrash metal mosh jams ever. But then it's just song after song of wretched, generic riff-salad death/thrash that makes Six Feet Under seem refreshingly original. Many years ago I saw the hardcore band Overcast, and the guitarist was wearing a Devastation long sleeve. That's when I knew he wasn't a poser. Overcast was a great band.

Verdict: 1/5 crucifixes (except for the intro which is 5/5 crucifixes)

Vengeance Rising
We've already covered this band quite extensively. Roger Martinez is a lunatic. Most of their songs are excruciatingly dull and they are chronic chopaholics (all their riffs sound like "CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOP"). I strongly suggest not listening to this awful band, although the story of his descent into insanity and conversion to Satanism is mildly entertaining.

Verdict: 2/5 crucifixes

Impending Doom
This is a very bizarre band that plays Christian wigger slam metal. As is typical of Christian bands, they have very nice, expensive equipment, 4 different managers, and 900 different (extremely expensive) merch items but yet I have never met anybody that listens to them. From their Myspace:

Q. What is Gorship?
A. Gorship is our way of worshiping God through our gore sounding music.

Verdict: 3/5 crucifixes

For further reading
Other popular Christian metal bands include Slayer, Black Sabbath and Death, but I am guessing you are already familiar with these artists. If not, you aren't missing much, they're all very boring and generic although Slayer does have a few good songs like "Dead Skin Mask" and "Silent Scream." Listen to Malignant Rupture and Gut instead.

Authentic Roman Catholic Funeral Doom

Forget about Disembowelment, Thergothon, Esoteric. If you want real funeral doom, nobody does it better than Roman Catholics. Especially during the holiest, and most metal, of all holidays--Easter. Honestly, what's more metal than Christ crucified? Nothing!

Here's a little taste of how it's done in the old country. Real old school style.