Praise Jesus, Praise Real Estate!

Remember how Roger Martinez from Vengeance Rising was way into JC?



That was the old Roger. These days, he's got himself an oversized suit from the discount rack at Men's Warehouse, and he's now way into Real Estate.

Buy a Metal Sucks shirt designed by Sgt D

I designed this shirt for our friends at Metal Sucks. They asked me to post a link on here so they would sell more. Apparently it's currently the 2nd best-selling design, please buy one because we want to be number fucking one! And don't worry, they know they're selling to fans of a metal blog, so it comes in XL.

Click here to buy

Peep my Flickr for more of my work

They have some other designs that aren't as cool, so if you don't like mine you can settle for one of these:


Best of luck to our favorite metal Jewbags! Help out our Semite internet metal bros and buy one of each!

Interpretative Iron Maiden Dance

Is this Lady Gaga's retarded cousin?

T-Pain covering Angelwitch = biggest WTF of all time!

how does this even exist?

Stuff You Will Hate: Blessed By A Broken Heart

Please pardon the interruption, but I would like to use this space to promote my other, vastly less popular blog, Stuff You Will Hate. This is a post that went on SYWH because it has scene-related content, but may be relevant to the interests of Metal Inquisition readers as well:

Blessed By A Broken Heart is my favorite post-ironic Christian hair-metal crunkcore scene band from Canada. Nobody likes a tryhard, and BBABH definitely try way too hard to impress you with what I'm sure they think are their hilarious antics. Look, I get it: they're "in on the joke." The fact that their entire image is a big ironic joke is fine, the problem is that it's not funny, it's just a tiresome, transparent cry for attention from a bunch of churchy dorks who are so painfully square that they feel guilty for drinking a Diet Pepsi.

Read more at Blessed By A Broken Heart has potential to be the most hated band on Earth (please comment there, not here)

Also, follow Stuff You Will Hate on Twitter and get a free yo-yo (with proof of slain poser).

Oh, how I long for those days...

I have to tell you, I sometimes miss the early days of this blog. Why? Because the standards were much lower then. In the beginning, posts were short, and only eight people were reading the blog. Today, swarms of fans greet me everyday as I make my way into the M.I. headquarters. It's a tough life to be sure, but one I chose.

In an effort to kick it old school for a day, I'm simply going to post these videos and let our readers discuss. I'm also posting these videos without much commentary, because I'm traveling this weekend. I will be visiting ex-poster Awakening in one of our many satellite offices. I have been cleared by the board to make him a substantial monetary offer, should he want to begin posting again. Who knows what he'll say.
Have a great weekend.










Last but not least, I once again bring you my favorite:

Who wore it best?

Okay, this is a big moment in my life. I'm about to admit to M.I. readers that I may have read an issue or two (or thirty) of US Weekly in my lifetime. It's with that in mind that I am asking our readers the question that US Weekly often asks its readers: Who wore it best?



I know that US Weekly poses the question when two celebrities have worn the same outfit, but this is close enough damn it! If you must, please take into account that Lindsay Lohan is no Johnny-come-lately to the world of metal. Oh no. She's been rocking other Maiden shirts that her stylist gave her for some time. We want you, the readers, to vote.




On a somewhat related note, the new Paul wall album features the Iron Maiden font.

Black Metal Gets The Thumbs Up From Madison Avenue

I know, I know...even mentioning black metal for comedic purposes is now considered expected. Some would say it's way too easy. As a matter of fact, while the saying "like taking candy from a baby" is common in many households, in my house we use the less common but no less poignant "like making fun of black metal". Be that as it may, I simply couldn't help myself since I wanted to share this video with you...so read on.

Back in 1993 or so, my brother used to put out a video 'zine. The concept of a video 'zine seems insanely odd and dated now, but back then it kinda' made sense. Kinda'. If you were heavily into tape trading in the early 90s, you'd probably understand. Anyway, I used to help him with the 'zine, and I remember one guy that we interviewed for it very well. He was the singer for a death metal band, and when we asked him what bands he was influenced by, he listed mostly obscure black metal bands. After we recorded the interview, we drove home and got a frantic call from this guy. He wanted us to delete the portion of the video where he listed all the black metal bands that he listened to, and to please not put that portion in the 'zine. He was afraid of possible retaliation or violence from black metal bands as a result of him being in a death metal band, but being into black metal. This sounds absolutely insane now, and to be honest, it sounded a little silly to us back then too. To be fair, however, I guess at the time it seemed to be somewhat within the realm of possibility. God, how things have changed.



I'm sure the guys from Darkthrone wish they could get .000002% of the profits generated by this ad campaign so that they can quit their jobs at the post office.

How to invest during times of economic uncertainity

Though widely criticized for being an inaccurate index of the market (since it takes only 30 stocks into account), the Dow Jones has in fact performed very much in line with broader U.S. markets.

As the world struggles through the current economic crisis, Metal Inquisition financial analyst Devesh Bharadwaj takes a closer look at lesser known investment opportunities that may be tempting to metal fans. Is investing in metal a sound choice during these unstable times? Read on to find out.




Avenge Sevenfold autographs make guitar actually be worth less than retail price.



While doing a search on the world wide interweb for used axes as a potential investment, I came across this Schecter Omen guitar. I know what you're saying, Schecter guitars are not exactly the most metal guitars ever (here at M.I. we endorse Jackson of course) but put that aside for just a second. The Craigslist post I found was for a brand new guitar, one that normally retails for $300 and has a list price (MSRP) of $499, selling for only $250. Why so little? The mere fact that it's autographed by the band Avenge Sevenfold makes it actually be worth LESS than retail. Is this drop in price merely a sign of the worldwide economic collapse? Perhaps. Be careful in whose autograph you invest.





Also included in the post is another guitar signed by the band Seether, but they are even less metal than Avenge Sevenfold so I wont even mention them, even though I think its funny that Wikipedia refers to them as a "South African post-grunge band". I had to look them up to see if they were worth mentioning. Man, wouldn't you be bummed if you were in a band and your autograph made things actually decrease in value? It's like having the opposite of the Midas touch, everything you touch turns into complete and utter shit.


Metallica autographs make a horrible guitar worth way too much.


In sharp contrast, a Squire guitar autographed by Metallica is selling for a steep $2,372. How they came up with that number, I have no idea, but that's an incredible increase from its retail price of $169. I don't know why on earth you'd get Metallica to sign a strat, much less a Squire strat, not even a Mexican Fender! Apparently, Metallica's autographs are the only recession proof signatures you can have. Forget stocks, hedge funds or anything else...the way to go is Metallica autographs! Buy, buy, buy!


Gwar "slave" autographs guitar. Price of guitar drops immediately.




Perhaps Metallica is not your cup of tea (and who could blame you), maybe Gwar is more up your alley, and you'd like to invest on something you actually enjoy. Well, you're in luck. What about an autographed BC Rich "Bich" model guitar? It's not signed by a member of the band Gwar though. Oh no. The guitar is signed by a Gwar "slave" (aka roadie). In this case, the nearly new guitar drops in price from $399 retail to $250. At least in this case, the seller (who is the Gwar roadie) is nice enough to give the buyer the ability to choose if they want the autograph on the guitar or not. He writes "*GWAR SLAVE AUTOGRAPH IS OPTIONAL.."


Obituary and Dream Theater drummers sign drumsticks. Price of drumsticks drops. I think.

Note that the Donald Tardy drumstick is dirty. That's because I used briefly it as a stake to hold down some string while doing yard work a few years back.

The bad news about the price of metal autographs not only dropping, but hindering the value of the very items the autographs are on made me worry about my own investments. How has the current crisis affected my Donald Tardy and Mike Portnoy signed drumsticks? I had no way of knowing since my calls to Lehman Brothers went unanswered. Having no other place to turn, I simply asked my wife. I asked her "If I sell these drumsticks in a garage sale, how much do you think I could get for them?", her response was brief "How should I know? Fifty cents maybe? Why are you asking me?". That's all the research I needed. They were now worth worth less than when they were new. I was crushed.

Where does that leave me? Maybe I should look into other autographs as possible investment opportunities during these unstable times. Maybe autographed ticket stubs by the likes of Deeds Of Flesh or Suffocation is the way to go? This guy seems to gave just about any autograph you are looking for. Then again, perhaps I should look into some Lars Ulrich signed drumsticks as a safer investment. After all, you're supposed to buy low, and sell high right? I think anytime after And Justice For All could be safely considered a "low" for Metallica....but will there ever be another "high" in their future? Damn. Maybe there's no safe investments after all.

Appropriation of metal culture: The neverending saga

If you've been down with metal long enough, you've come to expect the appropriation of its aesthetics. You can almost set your clock by it. As of late, however, a new type of appropriation has come to my attention...not that by large companies, publications or fashion designers, no. I'm talking about the use of iconography from the world of metal by other subcultures, all in the spirit of irony. Yes, some of the people who do this claim to have street cred, but I've checked and it's very seldom true.

I'm not going to dwell too much on the subject of subcultural irony (because I'm wearing a dry clean only sweater today, and if I start going down the path of "irony" I'll throw up all over myself in disgust), but I find this interesting. Why? Because to me, if you use iconography from another subculture in an ironic fashion, you are in a sense indicating the superiority of your culture over that which you are appropriating. It's clearly done in a mocking fashion.

Remember way back when hipsters started to wear mesh trucker hats? Clearly, the intended message was that a well educated white kid was slumming by putting on such wacky attire. Facial hair, and mullets soon followed, then hi-tops. So, now that metal is being used ironically all over the place (partially as part of 80s and 90s culture revival, which is now considered "old school") only one question remains:

Where does metal rank in the world of subcultures? According to the poster above, cycling/bike messenger culture ranks over metal. But that, perhaps, is merely because metal usually lacks a sense of humor and seldom uses irony. Metal is concerned only with evil/dark/serious imagery and messages. As a result, it gets beaten to a pulp in the subculture playground. Metal is also not self aware. An obvious giveaway about how fake many of today's Headbanger's Ball-grade metal bands is that they think the very music they play is funny. They are self aware, and thus not metal. What that argument says about this blog, I don't know. And I don't want to discuss that. Because we're hella metal. Anyway, a real metal band would never have a poster, record cover or lyrics with any sense of irony or attempt at humor. Yes, Sacred Reich had that song about how they listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Anthrax had I'm the Man...but those songs sucked and were un-metal. Yes, grindcore and other sub genres flirted with humor...but you wouldn't see a poster for a real death metal fest in Kentucky with characters from Saved By The Bell or something....though AC Slater was a dope drummer, and could probably play some tight blasts.

What do Metal Inquisitioners think? Let's discuss.

While we're on the subject: Madonna Covers Pantera

Madonna playing Pantera's "New Level" live? Oh yes. Not only is there video of it, but different internet accounts back it up. Perhaps this is due to Monte Pittman, who played with Prong, now playing in Madonna's band. What's next? Sweet scalp tattoos? The Anselmo undercut? A black metal project? Sideburns? Having your guitar player shot? Who knows. Watch and enjoy.

Lindsay Lohan is way into Maiden—James Hetfield is way into Armani

In this picture, Lindsay Lohan can be seen wearing a vintage Iron Maiden shirt, and making the unmistakable face of someone trying to get a pubic hair unstuck from their teeth.

As a result of the picture above, I know for a fact that I have grown just a bit as a person over the years. Why? Because I can remember a time (though only barely) when having seen such an image would have sent me spiraling down into a senseless rage for days, if not weeks. These days, I just feel happy for the stylist that got this cash-cow to pay $600 dollars for the shirt. Good for him.





Having said that, has the whole world gone mad? Things are so insanely upside down these days. Lindsay Lohan rocks a Maiden shirt, and (as reported earlier here at M.I.) James Hetfield and Robert Trujillo are shopping at Armani? Jesus, I stop paying attention to metal for only about a decade..and this is what happens? If Paris Hilton starts doing the Trujillo crab-walk, I'm calling the authorities.

Though hard to believe, this is not actually a picture of Paris Hitlon doing the Trujillo crab-walk. This is merely an artist's rendering. M.I. legal counsel has asked me to clear this up due to the unusually realistic quality of the image.

Italian monk who looks like Lars Ulrich's dad starts metal band.

Italy isn't just about pasta, Catholic guilt, mafiosi and trains not running on time. Oh wait, it is. But aside from that, some cool things happen there from time to time. For example, an Italian Capuchin monk has started a metal band with some dudes that look like aging Limp Bizkit fans. You see, he was inspired after having seen Metallica live, which makes him one of only three people worldwide to have seen the band live in the last decade and not thrown up consistently for the subsequent 24 hours. I thought the only people Metallica ever inspired, were fat 15 year olds who picked up a bass and learned how to play "Orion". In case you're wondering, yes it's a monk...and not Lars Ulrich's dad.

In this picture we see Beardo-Papa Ulrich taking a quiet break from making his tiny son feel inadequate on film.

But wait. Before we get to the video of the monk rocking out...I should mention that Torben Ulrich actually has a band of his own. As it turns out, he's a semi-acomplished jazz clarinet player, who was taught how to play the instrument by Jazz great Sidney Bechet. So, perhaps he knew a little something when he told Lars to "delete that" regarding a new track Metallica recorded in the movie Some Kind Of Monster. You can read about Beardo Ulrich's band here. He's also some kind of artist (get it? A Metallica reference). Way better than Paul Stanley's work. Here's one of his paintings below. You can see more in his site.


Okay, enough about papa Ulrich. Here's the video of the metal monk.

The Great Heavy Metal Horror Show

I have posted in the past about heavy metal horror movies, a true love of mine, but I worry that no one is going out and renting these films. Tragic, simply tragic. I'd feel like I wasn't doing my job unless people witness the true beauty of these films. I’m talkin’ bout the hack metal songs from these movies. Not soundtrack songs like Dokken’s awesome “Dream Warriors” from Nightmare on Elm Street 3, but songs normally written by some dudes whose only claim to fame is this tiny, little credit.

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5. Solid Gold “Blood Tracks” (from Blood Tracks)



This is more of a video shoot that a live performance. I can’t figure out if this is good, I just like the chorus. Ok? The chorus.

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4. Holy Moses "Cassie” (from Hard Rock Zombies)



I don’t even know. So awesome. I am glad it is called "Hard Rock Zombies" and not "Brutal Guttural Underground Zombies", because then they can get away with such an emotionally touching song. The movie makes very little sense, but the band makes it all worthwhile.

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3. Black Roses “Rock Invasion” (from Black Roses)



You knew Fabio couldn’t contain the evil for too long. From Whitesnake to all out thrash attack, this is what happens when the parents leave the show.

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2. Spastic Colon "Virgin Girl" (from Shock 'Em Dead)



I find it hard to believe that the singer knows anything about virgin girls. I really do. Really. But the popish song with just an absurd guitar solo allows me to look past it. You can check out a past post featuring Martin’s wicked audition here. This only loses out because there is no blood and too much spandex.

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1. Rocktober Blood "Killer on the Loose" (from Rocktober Blood)



A true classic. A long unnecessary guitar solo opening and on stage killings. Who wouldn’t love to see a decapitation and a disembowelment at a metal show! Also, imdb just told me the original music was written by “Smokey Huff”. That's the stuff.