Deathcore: Now Only 99% Worthless Shit

Since Century Media acquired a controlling interest in Metal Inquisition last month, it's been nothing but red tape and hassles (read their press release for more details). For example, I spent the majority of this week in orientation meetings with various stakeholders to exchange information on market research, our capital structure, and so forth. In particular, our two-day summit on developing trends in wiggerish arm movements was eyeopening: I realized I had a shocking lack of information on what Kids These Days call deathcore. After a scolding from our CMO, I did what I do best: learning about things that make me angry and confused, then reporting back to our readers.

Abnegation: arguably the first hardcore band to play legit metal? Either way, all I can think about is licking Dave Steele's sweaty chest, I don't know why!

Sarge, I am already getting confused and angry. WTF is deathcore?
Basically, deathcore is hardcore kids playing death metal (or trying to). The current deathcore poster children include Suicide Silence, Winds of Plague, Job For A Cowboy, and Bring Me The Horizon. I will go into more detail below, but that's deathcore in a nutshell. The term deathcore isn't new. Back in the 90s people called Overcast and Bloodlet deathcore, but that really wasn't accurate. Bloodlet were heavy and dark as fuck, but their drummer/creative director Charlie's favorites were Helmet and Dave Matthews Band; he hated death metal. Back then, hardcore kids who liked Pyrexia as much as they liked Earth Crisis were a rare and elusive breed. For example, when I met Joey from Circle of Dead Children at some fucking horrible hardcore show in Akron, Ohio in 1997 I just about shit myself when I noticed his Hideous Mangleus shirt (if you know Joey, tell him to email me, he should know who I am if you show him this post).

Today, though, it basically goes without saying that all hardcore kids also like legit death metal. Fast forward 10 years or so from when I met Joey and you now have zillions of kids who like hardcore and death metal. Those zillions of kids are in the zillions of bands who make up the current deathcore scene. While there is a seemingly endless supply of deathcore bands, the way I see it they really fit into one of three flavors.

I fully support unreadable band logos as long as they are spiky death metal/grind ones, but I can't back this bullshit. I have no idea who these turds are but I am pretty sure there is no need for me to find out since I have already heard Carnifex and Whitechapel and do not feel like further torturing myself.

Flavor A: Dillinger Escape Plan covering Dissection
The most common flavor of deathcore is this wretched sub-genre. Like many kinds of metal, it's the product of angry nerds who channel their rage and alienation into music, retreating into their bedroom after getting stuffed into their locker at school by jocks. Normally that's what inspires kids to do something cool like start the next Black Flag or Devourment, but in this case the outcome is much less awesome: because these kids are suburban pussies in the "gifted" classes, they choose to show how much they hate their wretched existence by cramming as many notes as possible into a 4-minute song. I know, what the fuck? Worst form of teenage angst ever.

This band is called Here Comes The Kraken. More like "here comes the litany of recycled Gothenburg riffs" amirite?! Zing!

Like riff-salad-style death metal, there is nothing wrong with this stuff per se, there's just absolutely nothing right with it. The kids can all play their balls off, the recordings are surgically precise, and they've clearly studied every note of every At The Gates-inspired band ever (as Metal Sucks pointed out a while ago, they probably listen to Killswitch Engage, not ATG or Dissection themselves). I totally understand being into a particular genre and the conventions that go along with it- I am currently listening to Putrid Pile as I type this- but enough is enough! Hardcore kids have been jocking Swedeath for like 10+ fucking years now. It was dumb and played out then and it gets even more played out with every generation of entry-level moshers who think they are the shit because they can play a gay, major-key metalcore riff that sounds just like every other gay, major-key metalcore riff since "Slaughter of the Soul" came out.

This assbag sings for Bring Me The Horizon. When he is not playing in his Soilwork tribute band, he makes cute faces in front of the camera for his clothing company, Dropdead (even more annoying than the band Dropdead, if you can imagine that).

I was trying to come up with a witty caption to write about Oceano, but then I pressed "play" on the video and promptly fell asleep.

Despite being so repetitive and dull that it makes Benediction sound positively electrifying, this shit is shockingly popular: Suicide Silence went to #32 on Billboard, Winds of Plague made #73 (Brokencyde beat them by making #68 LOL), and Bring Me The Horizon's video above has over 10 million views. Perhaps this is one of the few times where even Sergeant D is confused and angry about the latest developments in youth culture- although as our readers know, I am a big Winds of Plague fan so I'm stoked on that much at least.

Despised Icon incorporate many wigger slam elements into their take on riff-salad-style deathcore, making them my favorites in this category. Between his New Era hat (at a jaunty angle, of course) and the surprisingly legit slamz at :45, this video is very relevant to my interests!

As a teen, I craved blast beats like a tweaker fiending for his next bump. I was so hard up for blasts I would even stoop to listening to the occasional Rot or Anarchus 7"- that's the grindcore equivalent of a junkie shooting up in their dick because all the veins in their arms are collapsed. I never thought blast beats would be popular, and I definitely didn't think they could ever become boring. Clearly I am shitty at predicting the future, because today there are dozens of blast beat-laden deathcore bands who are not only popular, but also boring as fuck: Carnifex, Job For A Cowboy, Annotations Of An Autopsy, and zillions of others. I got so annoyed by these cookie-cutter assfaces I had to listen to some Human Rejection to cleanse my soul.

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The geniuses who call their Christian deathcore "gorship" have this new logo: the REPENTAGRAM! Sadly, I'm not fucking kidding.

Flavor B: Korn covering Broken Hope
Hopefully you read that description and thought to yourself, "Holy fuck, I had never considered the nightmarish possibilities of such a combination and am strongly considering suiciding myself so I never have to." The good news is that you probably already know what to expect: EXTREMELY generic USDM fast parts mixed with open-string bounce parts tailor-made for crabwalking. Seven-string guitars are frequent purchases for the bros in these bands.

If you thought Korn-meets-Broken Hope wasn't enough of a shit sandwich, Impending Doom add a dose of Christianity. Makes me miss the good old days of moshing 4 Jesus with Unashamed, Focal Point and Overcome :(

This stuff is a great example of how things suck when they are "neither here nor there." What I mean is, this doesn't slam like slam metal, mosh like moshcore, or grind like grindcore, it just kinda does a half-assed, watered-down version of all those things. It doesn't even make me mad like the DEP-covering-Dissection stuff does, it's just really dull and hard to even remember hearing. I could definitely imagine it being on the soundtrack to some crappy Playstation combat racing game like Twisted Metal or something, and I would be like "Whoa, what's this song?!" the first time I heard it, then 20 seconds later I would be more like "Oh never mind, it's just some shitty nu-metal band trying to be 'authentic', it sounded good for a second there though."

This band Molotov Solution really couldn't be a better example of shitty nu-metal meets shitty death metal. I can imagine this being real popular with freestyle motocross and BMX kids from Riverside.

If you are interested in this flavor of deathcore for some bizarre reason, Whitechapel are also a good example. I think you would be better off just simultaneously playing Pantera and Kottonmouth Kings MP3s, though.

A typical deathcore band, probably called something like Tales of Destiny, Reversal of Man, or Plague of Winds. They are most likely signing with Sumerian or Victory this fall.

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I Declare Goddess is a DISFIGURING THE GODDESS X I DECLARE WAR collabo, don't sleep on this shit!

Flavor C: Hatebreed playing Hemdale breakdowns
By now you are probably thinking, "This post says deathcore is only 99% worthless shit, but so far it's 100% by my count." I don't blame you, because I saved the best for last! Given my appreciation of wigger slam, moshcore, and goregrind, it should not be surprising that I love this flavor of deathcore. Because they play nothing but one downtuned mosh riff after the next, many of their songs end up sounding like a series of Hemdale's giant, sludgy breakdowns strung together. Sounds pretty fucking rad, right?! It is!

I am WAY into this band Demolisher. They seriously sound like nothing but Hemdale breakdowns with hardcore vocals over them, it's like my dream band come to life. Note the bro in front's ABACABB "Get Fucked" shirt; I want one!

Because they're drawing more from "core" than "death," this flavor of deathcore doesn't fall prey to fetishizing technique like lots of metal bands do. These bands have figured out something that their boring peers have not: nobody gives a fuck how awesome you are at playing guitar if your songs are boring and limper than Richard Simmons' dick at a titty bar.

I have been listening to ABACABB's new album nonstop this week, especially this song. Make sure you check out the breakdown at 1:30 with "GET FUCKED!" gang vocals. You're fuckin moshing!!!

Only fatties, shut-ins and pedos listen to Braindrill and Necrophagist. Awesome dudes like us moshbros just want put on some Air Max 90s, mosh our balls off to some X breakdowns X and bands like Suffokate, Recon, and Liferuiner are more than happy to oblige. I'm pretty stoked that it's 2009 and there are still bands who just want to see people hardcore 2-step and have a good time, not make the cover of Guitar Jizz magazine.

These 15 year olds are brutal as FUCK despite being called Jerome and barely having half a dozen pubes between them (and sweet Himsa shirt, Pettibone is literally old enough to be your dads!). The lyrics have that kind of disjointed, deranged quality that reminds me of Nuclear Death, which is a compliment I don't just hand out every day:
let em bleed
no legs fucking and no eyes to see
let me know when you die
so i can eat these bloody eyes
I , i'll let you know when i move on
to another one of your fucking limbs
i am so stuffed but your bones look yummy
let me finish you at once

More than anything, this flavor just sounds like 90s moshcore if the bands had good production and actually knew how to play their instruments. I could totally imagine Jerome or Demolisher playing with Fall Silent, Gehenna, Unruh, and Enewetak at some 1995 San Diego or Reno hardcore show, for example. It makes me want to put on my camo shorts, All Out War hoodie, and go windmill some kids!

Monsters: Ho-lyyyyyyyyyyyyyy SHIT!

I'm super stoked I discovered these bands because it's like someone made a genre just for me: It combines the best of braindead moshcore with slam/brutal death metal and tops it off with super aggressive, deliberately ignorant lyrics that make you want to punch people in the face. If you would like to learn more, Youtube is full of X deathcore breakdown X videos, but most of them are just full of the same Suicide Silence and Bring Me The Horizon stuff you've heard a million times. I suggest starting with this kid's 8-part "Brutal Deathcore Breakdowns" series and taking it from there!

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I don't get up on my high horse and complain about posers very often, so please indulge me in this post. I know sometimes our readers and I have our differences, but I hope we can at least come together on the fact that Here Comes The Kraken are fucking complete bullshit and Kids These Days are totally fucked for making shit like that popular. I'm done talking, I'm ready for action. Let's make some yo-yo's and start a fucking firestorm to purify the scene.

Stuff You Will Hate: Blessed By A Broken Heart

Please pardon the interruption, but I would like to use this space to promote my other, vastly less popular blog, Stuff You Will Hate. This is a post that went on SYWH because it has scene-related content, but may be relevant to the interests of Metal Inquisition readers as well:

Blessed By A Broken Heart is my favorite post-ironic Christian hair-metal crunkcore scene band from Canada. Nobody likes a tryhard, and BBABH definitely try way too hard to impress you with what I'm sure they think are their hilarious antics. Look, I get it: they're "in on the joke." The fact that their entire image is a big ironic joke is fine, the problem is that it's not funny, it's just a tiresome, transparent cry for attention from a bunch of churchy dorks who are so painfully square that they feel guilty for drinking a Diet Pepsi.

Read more at Blessed By A Broken Heart has potential to be the most hated band on Earth (please comment there, not here)

Also, follow Stuff You Will Hate on Twitter and get a free yo-yo (with proof of slain poser).

Winds of Plague ain't got shit on our steez

I love mash culture. It makes me feel like I am on top of all the latest developments in youth culture when I find a band that combines seemingly disparate influences, and because I am so culturally literate and young-at-heart, I totally get what they are doing. I love to smugly explain all the references to my clueless friends who still think of "World Demise" and "Far Beyond Driven" as "their new stuff." For a few minutes, I can forget that I am turning 31 in six weeks and have been going to hardcore shows since 1989. With that in mind, you can understand why I am such a big fan of Winds of Plague.

We blogged about this sextet of Southern California moshers a while ago (here and here), so if you are not familiar with them please take a few minutes to brush up on the band. Our printer is down at the moment, but we'll pass out a handout that has hard copies of both posts before we leave today. They'll be on the conference room table next to the Panera bagels and juice. There's also one of those cardboard boxes of coffee, please help yourself- we have Sugar In The Raw as well as Sweet N Low for Delores and Gail, our two administrative assistants who are also diabetic.

"[Being a wigger] isn't that tricky, you just say ignorant shit over and over."

Anyhow, the big idea with Winds of Plague is that they combine moshcore ala Hatebreed with symphonic black metal. You've heard that before, but Winds of Plague adds a wiggerish slant that would make Rick Ta Life blush. I feel like we mocked them pretty mercilessly in our first post about WoP, so I was really happy to see that Johnny Plague, the singer, posted in the comments and had fun with it instead of being a butthurt pussy like Short Bus Pile Up and Waking The Cadaver.

Since they were so cool, I figured we should find out more about what makes them tick. I caught up with them on the Summer Slaughter tour where they were playing with Dying Fetus, Suffocation, Origin, and a bunch of boring bands like Born of Osiris with names in the format of "____ of ____" that I had never heard of and didn't watch.

Affliction also makes a brand for girls called Sinful. It is even more atrocious and tacky than their flagship brand, but at least the ads have moderately attractive girls in them who are giving you the "I've been up for 65 hours on a coke binge with the guy from Buck Cherry" stare

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that the Summer Slaughter tour is sponsored by Decibel Magazine, which is also owned by Metal Inquisition's parent company, Red Flag Media (this blog is the flagship piece of the viral marketing and social media division of Red Flag). Oh, and it's also sponsored by Affliction, which has nothing to do with our corporate structure, but is hilarious.

On wiggers
In retrospect, maybe it would have been better to warm him up a little bit, but I was too impatient and I cut right to the chase with Johnny. In my best Tom Brokaw voice, I tried to sound very frank and down-to-earth when I said "Have a seat, Johnny. I think you know what we're here to talk about: wiggerish arm movements." I thought he might get mad, but to my surprise, he was pretty sheepish about the whole thing, even apologetic!

I put on my best moshbro costume for the show, topped off by a New Era hat which I cocked at a jaunty angle. After all, when in Rome, do as the wiggers, right? (Photo by Kristen Randall)

He started by blaming someone else. "Not to point the finger, but I'm definitely going to have to put the wigger elements on our friend John, who recorded with us on that album. He also played on the new album, but we told him to tone it down," Johnny explained. I'd like to believe him, but as you can see in the photo of us above, he was wearing a Sworn Enemy basketball jersey and a backwards baseball hat. That's two strikes, my friend. If I go through your records and find a Downset CD, you're busted! He also credits moshcore pioneers 18 Visions with inspiration. "18 Visions had it going on. Speaking of wigger, remember when James had like fuckin' dreads and JNCOs?"

"I've grown out of the puffy vests. I had to give it to my friend that lives in Reno so I'm not tempted."

Life on the road can be tough. Just ask Metallica and Kid Rock, both of which have penned sorrowful, melancholy songs in which they sit on the tour bus looking wistfully out the window. Perhaps Winds of Plague will write their own version soon, because Johnny was not enjoying himself on this tour. I kept trying to get him to talk about wiggers, but he kept drifting back to how annoyed he was with this tour and wanted to go home. To bridge the gap, I asked him about touring with Suffocation. By inventing the slam riff and pioneering the use of 808 bass drops in death metal, they arguably created wigger slam metal, yet they have actual black people in the band, which makes things much less black-and-white (ba-dum crash!).

Lucho Metales with Mike Smith of Suffocation. Lucho is making awkward hand gestures in an effort to "be down." Mike appears to be holding his own penis. There is a cheap-looking door in the background.

Johnny wavered a bit, suggesting that "They have black people in the band so that's automatic street cred. I didn't know about [Mike Smith's] rap album, I wish I did before though." Despite such an initially authoritative answer, it seemed like he doubted himself, or was at the very least not yet comfortable with using the w-word. "I don't really know what to say about that, or... like... the word 'wigger' in general..." he stammered, recalling Sarah Palin when Katie Couric asked her which newspapers she read and Palin answered "A-all of them."

I considered calling in Snoop Dogg for an emergency wigger deprogramming session after hanging out with Johnny for the evening

WoP also share the bill with wigger slam pioneers Dying Fetus. I was thinking Johnny would have taken advantage of the opportunity to compare notes and ask Fetus how to be a slam wigger. Had he ever sat down with Fetus singer Jason Gallagher and asked for tips? "On how to properly do it? No. It's not that tricky, you just say ignorant shit over and over."

"Honestly I don't even know what 'steez' means. Is that even a real word?"

On the left is 18 Visions singer Jame Shart rocking his vintage look of dreads and Excessive Force shirt. Also pictured are Earth Crisis vocalist/weirdo Karl Beuchner (far right, with red eyes) and Metal Inquisition's Director of Latin American Communications Jose Galvan Jr (in blue)

Not ready to let him off the hook, I asked him about my favorite line from my favorite WoP song, their wigger mosh anthem "Reloaded." In this song, one part that makes the moshbros go crazy goes "Bustas fall down when we're barking commands. Atlas ain't got shit on our steez." Having moshed my balls off to it earlier that night, I asked for more detail on exactly what Winds of Plague's steez were. Finally the dam broke. Johnny let it all out, all the shame, the lies, the wiggerish secrets he'd kept inside for so long.

If you haven't seen this video yet, you are missing out. This rivals Biohazard's "Punishment" video as an instruction manual for wiggerish arm movements.

"Honestly I don't even know what 'steez' means. Is that even a real word?" he said plaintively. "The wigger stuff is from our one music video," he volunteered. "The video was an awesome idea that wasn't done well. It was supposed to be over the top. I had a great time doing it, and I guess it's cool because we had fun, but in the big picture it's not really the way we wanted to be portrayed... yeah. Going into it I was like, 'Who the fuck watches music videos, anyway? So let's just have fun with it.' We didn't have much of a budget, our friend had a nice car, so we just said fuck it." While the band was generally happy with it, Johnny had some ideas on how it might be improved. After a thoughtful pause, he reflected that "the guys did a great job on it. But there should have been more chains, more large black women."

Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy used to play in a wretched hardcore band called Extinction. When I saw them in 1997, he had dreads and was wearing a puffy DKNY vest like this one. Now he is married to Ashlee Simpson... I am convinced he somehow gained access to the Nocturnus time machine to pull that one off!!

Most musicians are comfortable to stay within the narrow, conventional definition of what it means to be in a band. But like Dave Mustaine's ventures into the coffee business, Sammy Hagar's tequila brand, and Kiss peddling, well, absolutely anything, Johnny has dreams of being a stylist-slash-image-consultant for bands like his. As the band works on repositioning its brand, Johnny is getting the ball rolling by making some small changes to his personal brand. "I'm gonna say, I've grown out of the puffy vests. I had to give it to my friend that lives in Reno so I'm not tempted," he said, looking down and picking at the table as though he was craving his Nautica vest like a tweaker fiends for a bump.

Totally would, even though she has an ice cream cone tattoo. Her excellent eyebrows make up for it. What is it with the kids these days and their tattoos of junk food? Back in my day, you got tattoos of skulls, monsters, and the Black Flag bars, not fucking candy!
(In case you are wondering why I included this picture, she plays keyboards for Winds of Plague)

On chicks
With the wigger discussion behind us, we moved on to the second most important item on the agenda: chicks. As long-time readers of this blog know, I have advanced-level game, so I wanted to talk shop with one of the few people who might have even better game than me, if such a thing is possible: a dude in a band.

Hot Chicks With Douchbags, metalcore edition: Semi-Gothic Keyboard Hott is surrounded by a horde of Southern California Wiggerish Moshbags

Johnny is a modest guy, so he was hesitant to offer any suggestions on how I might improve my game. "This isn't really the best question for me. I mean, I don't have any game, I really don't. And I'm not afraid to admit that. But basically, just be loud and obnoxious, hang around the merch table and try to trade free shit for head I guess!"

Johnny, if you're reading this, please tell me you know this girl and will introduce me!!

He wasn't nearly as timid when I asked him when band had the most haggard groupies, though. Literally without a split second of hesitation, he said "Blackguard. I love them to death, don't get me wrong. They're kind of a folkish metal band. I dunno man, they just attract some real, uh, winners." I'm sure it's pretty slim pickings on these metal tours, which Johnny confirmed. "Dying Fetus pull some fuckin'... dude I don't even know what the word would be... trollish, stone age type women. I'm not saying they're hooking up with them, I don't know if that happens, but they're there in full force, drunk as fuck."

Drummer Art Cruz showed me some pretty sweet gambits he uses to snare groupies, such as a variety of magic tricks like the one where he made a coin seem to go through my hand. It was cool, but I started to get uncomfortable after a minute because I thought he was going to kiss me or something. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jeff Foxworthy: If your band sells mesh shorts... you just might be a wigger!

Metal Inquisition + Winds of Plague = hella mass tight bros
I am not sure why so many people pick on Winds of Plague. As you can see they can take a joke and will make you mosh your balls off, and I'm not sure what more you can ask of a band than that. I thought they were going to be uptight dickbags, but it couldn't have been further from the truth. Even if you don't like metalcore, you should pirate their album to show your support!! Every click counts, my friends!!

Check out Winds of Plague on MySpace and Twitter

Hate mail from Piledriver and Waking The Cadaver; 16 approves

Seriously the most ridic cover in the history of recorded music!

Piledriver gets butthurt
In the event that you are a poser, you should know that we took the name of our blog from an album by the band Piledriver. I never listened to them (because they are not very good), but my friends and I used to laugh at the absurd cover of their record quite a bit in high school.



Here is an email we got from some guy that apparently is/was in the band. There's nothing more rewarding to us here at MI than when someone in one of the bands we make fun of gets all butthurt, so you can understand how excited we were about this insane ramblings of this never-was idiot:

Since you've stolen your name AND slogan from Piledriver, how about reviewing the new album, METAL MANIFESTO? It really is the absolute least you could do.

http://www.sofa-q.com/

You may not care where you've stolen your name from, but at least check it out. The band is fucken crazy to look at, but the tunes are better than most of the shit produced these days. Thrash metal at its finest.

Of course you could grow a set of balls and man up to your theft, and perhaps get a shred of originality and come up with your own name and slogan, but it is hard to do.

His reply after I told him I didn't listen to his terrible band:

After all I've given you (YOUR FUCKING NAME!!!!) I don't even rate a single fucking mention on your site????
Unsuck my COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All my retarded baby-batter in yer fucking faces,
Ol'Piley... The Exalted One!!!!

Sensing the hilarious potential, I proposed that we do an interview:

an interview? you'll have to come up with a few hundred posted words of respect and adulation let alone on how I've provided you the hook to hang your shite (oops) site on... then we'll see about bestowing upon you any further of my time...
Gord FUCKING Kirchin

My response:

up to you bro! honestly i never owned any piledriver records so i don't know if i can help you out with the adulation. i chose the name for the blog because when i was in high school i thought the cover was funny, i've only heard the title track a couple of times.

I hope he cries himself to sleep knowing that a jokey blog making fun of his band is the #1 Google result for "Metal Inquisition," not their record.

When asked about his azn boi toy, the singer for WTC said, "Yo I'm not gay, he blew me!"

WTC threatens Sergeant D with a Jersey-style beatdown
Piledriver aren't the only sensitive pussies that read Metal Inquisition. New Jersey's most notorious slam wiggers Waking The Cadaver are apparently in the club as well. After I heard that they got pissy that I called them wiggers in Decibel, I sent them a MySpace message to tell them it was all in good fun and not too take things too seriously. I told them I also used to dress like a wigger back in my mosher days and suggested we do an interview.

He wasn't having it, though, and did his best to threaten me. At least, I think that's what he was trying to say. The grammar and spelling are so atrocious that it's sometimes hard to make out. I don't judge him, though, I know they put lead in the water down there on the Jersey shore.

Subject:

RE: metal inquisition

Body:

listen geek,

your the one taking things so seriously, with your website dedicated to bitching and moaning about bands...your obviously a homosexual because your so concerned with how GUYS dress....and I seriously doubt you'll come to a show, as a matter of fact, I seriously doubt you go to any shows because your the type to sit behind a computer whining and complaining about how bands aren't good enough for your level of "metal".....im sure your just a aging loser with nothing better to do in your life than be concerned with the way guys dress. you even proved it by writing a message saying "i used to wear XXX nautica t-shirts."....let me tell you internet fagit, we don't even listen to rap, and we don't wear nautica shirts so we have NOTHING in common. all your proving is that your a TREND SURFER.

We were never aware of your blog until your grapevine buddy at decibel mag told us about your blog. you are a pure INTERNET FAGGIT...and quite simply, without knowing what you look like, we can sense your physical inferiority, and don't try to respond with some "i watch ufc george pierre" bullshit...cuz that shit is just amateur. your old, probably have years of drug abuse under your belt, and would get assaulted easily.

don't bother responding...we don't talk to gays

Well there you have it. I didn't respond since, well, they don't talk to gays.

From the same geniuses who brought you the "grunge" pedal

Ask Bobby from 16 about what happens to a fool and his money...
Unlike the thin-skinned tards in WTC and Piledriver who need to brush the sand out of their vaginas, 16 are sophisticated gentlemen who enjoy perusing Metal Inquisition when they're not making the rounds in Los Angeles' poshest clubs. Bobby from 16 writes:

Hi long time reader first time emailer.

Thanks for the interview. By far the best one of our new record. I found this pedal on craigslist and bought it out of sheer financial irresponsibility for 40.00. I think it qualifies as a questionable metal purchase. BTW this pedal sounds like utter crap. The "pain" is just mid. The "scream" is just horrible distortion and the "guts" is just bass. You will not hear it on a new 16 album.

Bobby/16

Dear Bobby,

I know that 16 is kind of all about regretting poor life choices, but life is hard enough on its own for fuckups like us. You don't need to go out of your way to make things difficult by doing foolish things like buying the Death Metal Pedal on eBay. I am not sure what kind of menial, soul-crushing job you have or what kind of a pittance they pay you, but I am guessing that $40 is a lot of money to you, so in the future please check with us before making rash decisions like this!

Contact us
Send your butthurt complaints, compliments, pictures of distortion pedals, and Pyrexia trivia to inquisitionofmetal@gmail.com!

A Day To Remember hears Nasty Savage and MOD for the first time

If this song doesn't make you want to mosh your balls off, you need to adjust your hearing aid

As far as I can tell, most Metal Inquisition readers are old, completely out of touch with contemporary youth culture, and get confused and angry when they hear new music. So, I'm pretty sure most of you have no idea who A Day To Remember is, despite reaching #21 on Billboard 200 and and #1 on Billboard's Indie charts with their newest album, "Homesick." It's ok, we all get old at some point. Anyway, as my friend Stan said, "They sound like Blink-182 tuned to drop C with death metal vocals during the slow parts." I figured that a good way to bridge the gap between ADTR and MI would be to introduce their bassist, Josh, to the wonderful world of old, shitty metal bands. Let us know what you think of this format- there are a few bugs to be worked out yet, but I'd like to use it again in the future if it works OK?

Havohej "Enlightened One"
J: Wait, this is the song? You can barely hear some distorted screaming with like swells of bells and stuff. This is pretty fucking creepy!
MI: If this was in a movie, what scene would it be in?
J: It makes me think of, in Scream 1, when Drew Barrymore is getting dragged off of the porch and has the phone in her hand, this is the music to it.

Dead "Polesmoker"
J: I can't tell if this is a movie clip... it's something about a cock??

James Hart "Dead End Roads And Lost Highways"
J: Some lead guitar action... is this a popular song? It sounds like I've heard it.
MI: No. But I think he wants it to be popular.
J: Awesome singer, good chorus. It honestly sounds like it should be one of the biggest rock or metal songs out.
MI: Like they would tour with Nickleback?
J: Yeah, totally!
MI: It's the singer from 18 Visions. Jame Shart.

Lady Gaga "Poker Face"
J: Honest to god, I don't know this song. I haven't listened to the radio or watched TV in so long.
MI: She doesn't wear pants, you know.

Aren't they cute?? I imagine them saying, "Welcome to American Eagle, can I help you find anything?"

Life of Agony "River Runs Red"
J: My friend Chad from New Found Glory love this band.
MI: Speaking of which, I heard you called VOD and Earth Crisis nu-metal.
J: What?! Who told you that?!?
MI: I don't remember.
J: You have to tell me, I've said that to one person in my whole life. Was it Chad?
MI: I don't remember!
J: Well what he showed me of Earth Crisis, I'm not talking shit, because I know they influenced so many people, but I wasn't impressed. He was like, "This is heavy!" and I was like, "It might have been heavy then, but not now!"
MI: How old are you?
J: 22. Man, fuck Chad.

Gut "Can't Wait For Tonight"
MI: This is like if Beyonce did a song with Dead.
J: That's exactly what it sounds like.
MI: Do you think you could dance to this?
J: Like club dance? Maybe not in the US, but over in their godless country [points to their English roadie], I can see it happening.
MI: Like go to the Netherlands and grind on some chubby gothic girl?
J: Exactly! I gotta go to the next song, this scares the fuck out of me.

Uh.......... Visor and axe in a trailer?!

Boondox "Country Life"
MI: This is Juggalo country rap.
J: I met a Juggalo the other night, and his Juggalette. This sounds like white kids in their room, rapping. These kids work at a convenience store, period. 100%, it's not even a question.

Pantera "Cowboys From Hell"
J: Dude it's fuckin' metal. This is what I think of when someone says "metal."
MI: Which instrument would you like to be playing air to?
J: Dude the guitars are pretty sick, probably air guitar.
MI: You know how that guy in Columbus killed Dimebag for starting Damageplan. I love Pantera, but be honest... he deserved it, didn't he?
J: You think he deserved to?! Good god... I'm not gonna say that, nobody deserves to die!

Papa Roach "Last Resort"
J: God I haven't listened to them since like 8th grade.
MI: So, whenI was like 27?
Roadie: We was playin' Last Resort on the bus the other night and you was crackin' it.
J: This song is sick, I'm not gonna pretend I don't like it!

MOD "Bubble Butt"
MI: What do you think this song is about?
J: Um, a fat girl.
MI: How does the singer feel about the bubble butt?
J: Uh, I don't think he's saying one way or the other... he's just like saying, she's fat. Some guys like fat girls. I think he's saying it's positive.

This is my favorite ADTR song, sometimes I listen to it 4 or 5 times in a row and sing along!

Crom "Anvil of Crom"
MI: What kind of movie do you think "Anvil of Crom" would be if it was a film?
J: I picture... a cartoon. But this wouldn't work with a cartoon, I think this band would be in a snuff film.
MI: I think they would agree with you!

Obituary "The End Complete"
J: This band is from Florida, right? Isn't Tampa like the capital of death metal?
MI: It was like in 92, when you were in kindergarten.
J: I know a lot of people who love this band. The singer is making a bunch of weird noises. [he starts typing on AIM for a few seconds] Sorry, man.
MI: No problem, I just hope whoever you're talking to has a vagina.
J: She does, and she's giving me a shitload of problems right now.

Devourment "Babykiller"
J: This is nuts, it's like dun-dundun-dun with just like... grunts.
MI: This genre is called "wigger slam metal."
J: Uh huh, I can definitely hear that!
MI: So why don't kids who wear puffy jackets and listen to Hatebreed like this band?
J: Good question, they totally should!

Merauder "Time Ends"
J: I saw them on the Hellfest DVD I think.
MI: Did your parents yell at you for moshing in front of the TV?
J: No! My friend from that band Seventh Star always told me we should listen to this band.
MI: He was right.

This is the black metal version of party rap, it's so catchy and upbeat!

Moevot "In einem Friedhof"
J: [after 1 second] I literally think I can listen to this for maybe 5 more seconds before it will give me nightmares tonight. It's like... hums... with screams.
MI: How do you think this guy would dress for Halloween?
J: Uh, the Cryptkeeper.
MI: How would he dress for not-Halloween?
J: The Cryptkeeper.

Brokencyde "FreaXXX"
J: I swear to god, everyone talks so much shit on them, but I've never listened to them. Aren't they from New Mexico? Nothing good has ever come from there. It's white kids rapping, auto tune, everything that's cool! And screaming. Let's put it all together! "Let's get freaky, let's get fucking freaky now"?!
MI: There's the line that goes "They pull their panties down, then take their pants off." Isn't it usually in the reverse order? I mean, you're in a band, not me, maybe you guys have a trick.
J: Right. Well, I take my pants off last...

Cephalotripsy "Inoculated Prosthesis"
J: I don't understand how people make their voices like that. It sounds like he had a bunch of Pop Tarts and orange juice, just like the nastiest shit in your throat ever.
MI: If you listened to this for a while, do you think you could get post mosh stress disorder?

GG Allin "Assface"
J: The name sounds familiar...
MI: How big do you think his dick was, in inches? I'll give you a hint: when he pulled his pants down, it looked like three grapes.

Leeway "Marathon"
MI: I heard the singer for Leeway works construction in Pittsburgh.
J: Yeah, that sounds like what he'd be doing. Probably listening to his own band while he works. No sleeves on his shirt, probably has barbed wire tattoos.

Forever the Sickest Kids "Woah Oh"
MI: Which member of FTSK has the best hair?
J: Actual best hair or [air quotes] "best" hair? The drummer is one of the nicest dudes ever... but his hair is crazy, it's nuts.
MI: I wish I wasn't going grey so I could have hair like his.

Vulvator "Boy In A Boat"
J: Boy in a boat? What the hell is that?
MI: Hint: it's a part of a woman's body that's covered by her bathing suit.
J: Huh?? Oh! It's her clitoris!



Nasty Savage "Unchained Angel"
MI: If you met someone in a band called Nasty Savage, what would they look like?
J: Definitely over 250 pounds, humongous beard, probably wear a cowboy hat. Yeah, this definitely sounds like that. They would probably not even have a car, just drive like a four wheeler or something. And they would smell exactly like what you would think.
MI: Like a nasty savage?

Slayer "At Dawn They Sleep"
J: Dude, what is this song about? [to another guy in the band who walked in]
Other guy: Vampires, dude. Or Aiden.

A Day To Remember on MySpace

Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal (Part 3)

Here we see a picture of graduate student Emily Thayer, hard at work uncovering my Gammacide 12".

Metal Archeology. When I first coined the term, I was merely joking around. Today, at least four prominent colleges in the United States offer Masters programs in this very important field of study. As I've mentioned in past posts about this subject Metal Archeology can be explained in this manner:

Just as archeologists carefully dig through piles of rubble in search of artifacts that can give us further information about previous societies, I too have chosen to dig through my own personal rubble in search of answers and artifacts. After what has been nearly a lifelong commitment to metal (in one way or another), I have accumulated assorted artifacts which bring back memories of the past. I aim to dig deep into my past (a sometimes embarrassing past) in order to make sense of just who I was at the time. Part archeology dig, part psychotherapy session, I hope this series of ongoing posts will prove to be both insightful and therapeutic to our devoted readers. I shall call this new science: Metal Archeology.

Now that we're all on the same page, we can get started.

The item I will share wit you today is a bit unusual, but speaks volumes about a semi-legendary time in metal history. I hereby present to you, the autographed promotional picture of Chicago's not-so-legendary band Stygian. Not to be confused with the current band by the same name, who use an amazingly similar logo, this Stygian was a band who were signed to David T Chastain's label. Don't know who David Chastain is? Don't worry, you're not alone. Let me put it this way...do you know what's sadder than a pathetic riff-orama obsessed guitar-hero douche like Steve Vai or Yngwie Malmsteen? Well...how about a third rate guitar demi-god from Cincinnati Ohio who never really hit it big. That, my friends, is David T Chastain. If you want to see and hear him jam out, watch this. But more importantly, here's the picture that this whole post is devoted to:

The coveted, signed Stygian promo picture.

Do these youngsters have no shame? Not only did they steal the band's name...but the logo is also very similar. I'm sure the guys in the Stygian will be glad to hear that they had some influence on someone. It will probably cheer them up, as they continue to mop toilets in an office building during third-shift.

Like other objects from my metal collection which I have shared with you in the past, this one was also found in a box of crap that my mom finally begged me to move out of her house. Why on earth she wouldn't want to hang on to my signed Obituary drumsticks, signed Stygian promo pictures or home made Morbid Angel shirt for decades is beyond me. Her loss, your gain.

About the picture
After I found this magnificent specimen mixed in with other metal debris, I had to think for a second in order to remember where it came from. Then it all came rushing back. It came from the Milwaukee Metal Fest, which my brother and I went to in both 1992 and 1993. I'm not sure which one this picture from...but it really doesn't matter. What matters is that the fucking thing is autographed bitches! Hell yes!

Milwaukee Metal Fest
I feel like this fest should one day get its own post, since my brother and I certainly have enough memories to write a whole lot about it. For now, I'll try to tell you a few things quickly. I remember driving for hours to get to the two day fest. The venue had two stages, each starting as early as like 10am, and going until like 2am. I remember my brother and I standing there looking at a schedule to see what bands would play each stage and when. Deciding which band to see was a tough decision. The conversations between the two of us probably went something like this: "Well, Macabre will be playing upstairs, but Intenal Bleeding will be downstairs, and that will overlap with Broken Hope...oh no! What do we do?"

Held at the Eagles Ballroom, the fest was a godamned zoo, insanely disorganized but well worth it back then. To see that many metal fans, and that many bands was amazingly rewarding to a youngster like me. Throw in the ability to check out merch from the biggest names in metal...labels like Wild Rags, Grindcore Records and the like...and I was a happy camper. On the other hand, the super long drive sucked, we were broke as hell...and I certainly remember reaching a point of overload. Some of the bands that played there (aside from the ones I just mentioned) were: Brutal Truth, DRI, Morbid Angel, Biohazard, AC, Downset, Slayer, Overkill, Testament, Cannibal Corpse, Dogstarr (yes, the Keaneu Reeves band), Anacrusis, Suffocation, Exhorder, Cancer and so many more that I could go on and on for days. If you were there and remember some of the smaller bands, please feel free to remind me. I know there were tons of Wild Rags bands that I'm forgetting.

Outside the venue. It was in this parking lot that my brother bought a sweet Impetigo shirt from Richard C of Wild Rags Records. Richard was lying and saying he wasn't Richard C, in fear or being jumped by the many people in attendance who he owed money to. Like most attendees, we parked around the back during the fest.

This is where the larger bands played, which was upstairs. It was here that Slayer put on a "meh" inducing performance. I can just imagine the architect who designed the beautiful classical details in this ballroom thinking to himself "ah yes, one day Brutal Truth will play in this fanstastic space...I shall make this the grandest of all grand ballrooms"

Memories
I remember Tom, the guy who we went to the Fest with, smoking pot as he drove his old, beat up BMW 3 Series through Illinois. As Tom drove, and smoked joints that he kept in his fanny pack, he would hold his right hand out mid-air, and quickly motion as though he was signing a check, quickly flicking his wrist to and fro. We later found out that this was his version of air-drumming at high speeds. It took about six hours of driving through Illinois for us to figure this out.

I remember taking a large cooler in the trunk, filling it with ice, and storing our newly purchased records inside the cooler (protecting them with zip lock bags) while we watched even more bands play.

When A.C. played, Seth insisted that the whole audience be quiet...if not, they would not play another song. Everyone got quiet, but a kid towards the front kept talking, not having heard Seth's instructions. Suddenly, and with perfect aim, Seth threw his mike with amazing speed and precission, like a godamned harpoon. It hit the kid square in the face and almost knocked him out. It was pretty funny. Many years later, I began to tell this very story to the members of a band that we were touring with in the late 90's. The drummer, began to look bummed as I told the story. He suddenly blurted out "It was me, okay okay, it was me. Jesus, please don't tell the whole story." He was 14 when it had happened, and he was there with his dad. He was talking to him as Seth went on and on about everyone being quiet. His dad had not wanted him to go to the fest, since it was far away and potentially dangerous. Eventually he agreed to go with him, to help keep him safe. They arrived as AC was playing, walked in as they were talking and within seconds got nailed in the face with a mic. It hit him so hard that he almost passed out.

I remember my brother yelling at a drunken DD Verni, telling him "your band blows!". DD looked like bummed upon hearing the news.

You're probably thinking that his jacket says "bass", because he plays the bass guitar. Not so. He enjoy bass fishing. If you're going to ask me why his bass guitar says "I need lunch", I can't help you...aside from guessing that playing in Overkill never really paid the bills, even if that bill was a $2 happy meal from Mc Donalds.

I remember Body Count playing, and the entire lighting rig starting to fall onto the audience. I'm talking about a huge truss system with lights, wires, sandbags, huge PA system...the whole thing. Mooseman and Ice T held the whole thing up so it wouldn't fall on the audeince. Nutty.

I remember Biohazard going on and on during their entire set about how Morbid Angel was a racist band. I remember Evan saying "Biohazard ain't goin' out like that" over and over again about the subject between songs. I was never really sure what he meant, since they used Morbid Angel's amps, left the stage and Morbid Agnel came on right after. Perhaps "aint goin out like that" is pseudo Brooklyn slang for "we will agree to play with them, use their amps, and hand them the guitar cables politely on our way off stage so they can plug in." That night, David Vincent played while wearing a black button-up shirt from the SS uniform. How very tasteful.



I remember Tom Araya thinking I was going to ask for an autograph as I ran into him in long hallway by the upstairs bathrooms. The hallway was desolate, and we were walking in oppostie directions. I had a Sharpie in my hand, which I was twirling around as he walked towards me. When he came closer to me, he nodded and held his out his hand as though to sign something with my Sharpie. I just kept walking, and thus created one of my favorite awkward moments ever. Tom stood there for a second as I walked on.


I remember really liking both Suffocation and Broken Hope live. While Suffocation was playing, a long-haired metal dude who was super skinny (metal dudes come in two sizes, rail thin and morbidly obese I think) was walking down the long set of steps on the side of the stage. As he was walking, he casually turned his head to the side as though to clear his throat. Instead he began to puke, and puke he did. The guy probably barfed about five bucket-fulls of thick goo, and he did so very, very quickly as he kept walking down the steps. He kept walking as he puked, as though nothing was happening. When he was done, he simply turned his head forward as though he hadn't just barfed out the entire contents of a small reservoir. To this day, when I'm sick and find myself almost in tears as a result of having to barf, I think about that guy. To pull off throwing up with such class is a really amazing skill. It was as though he was throwing up while wearing a top hat and a tuxedo. Talk about classy.


Back to the picture
Now that I think about it, there's not much to say about the picture. Stygian were one of the many local-ish bands that played early on in the day at those fests. While large bands had autograph sessions set up (like Slayer for example) in proper booth areas, smaller bands made up their own times, and stood around in a corner somewhere trying to do the same thing. While the times during which Slayer would do signings were advertised everywhere with banners, bands like Stygian would make 8.5 x 11 photocopies that would say:

Stygian meet and greet. We will be selling autographed cd's by the phone booth to the right of the bathrooms on the first floor at 6pm tonight.

It was extremely sad. Sure enough, at the scheduled time, you'd see the small local band standing there with their backpack full of tapes, with absolutely no one buying anything from them.


How did I get this picture?
I remember it very well. Shortly after the scheduled time when Stygian were supposed to be signing stuff, I walked by and saw them completely alone staring at the wall as people walked by them. I went by again only minutes after, and a bunch of these pictures were strewn all over the floor. The band members were gone. All the pictures were already autographed by the entire band, and had perhaps been thrown out in anger. I'm not sure why I picked one of them up, but I'm sure glad I did. Without it, perhaps I wouldn't have all these memories to share with you. My favorite thing about the picture is on the back. Scribbled on the back of the picture is the following:



Crucifier, was an American band from back then (who played the fest), and not he Brazilian thrash band which is around today, and has the same name. I don't know why, but apparently the members of Stygian were trying to remember how the band's name was spelled, or perhaps they were trying to point out to one another how the band's name could be spelled in order to be really close to "Lucifer". Maybe they were also thinking of the band Crucifer, who may have played also. Maybe it's kinda' like how in the sixth grade you figured out that "satan" and "santa" are really similar words...but have very different meanings. I picture the guys from Stygian sitting there getting all freaked out by the similarities. Much like a cat can be entertained by a ball of twine for hours, metal dudes can easily spend four days on two words like crucifier and crucifer.


Aftermath
Soon after those fests happened, I remember bringing them up all the time in conversations to people...even to people who knew little about metal. At the time, they seemed like the greatest godamned thing on earth. Today, after 17 years have passed since I first went to such a monstrosity, the memories are getting a bit hazy. I no longer talk about the bands I saw back then, much less care about them. Was anyone at those early Milwaukee Metal Fests? Tell us about it.

Today, I couldn't imagine driving even five minutes to see a band play. If a band wants to play for me, they'll have to play in my living room...and this would have to be a band I love. They would have to start at roughly 9pm, and be done by 10. If any band out there takes me up on it...here are some groundrules. Be nice to my dog, play at a very, very low volume. Don't mess with my furniture, only play songs I know (none from a new album) and be open to the fact that I may change my mind about seeing you play before you hit a single note. Also, be careful not to bump into my TV or my new chair. That thing was expensive. Having said that, I'll be more than happy to have you host a meet and greet at my house. Just leave me an autographed picture, so I can add it to my collection.

Screamo crunk: A cultural primer

Navigating the choppy, uncharted waters of today's pop culture landscape can be a daunting task, especially for old people like us who grew up in simpler times. Fortunately for all of you, I am here to be your guide to the changing face of metal culture. Think of me as your sherpa, taking you by the hand and carefully leading you to the summit of Mt. Awesome. After we are done, you will no longer be scared and confused by contemporary youth culture!

Damn son, what you know about some MySpace hair??

Screamo crunk = express train to awesome town!
Just when you thought you had seen everything, along comes something new that reminds you that you haven't. For example, I recently discovered the strange and amazing world of screamo crunk! Who knew that there was a whole genre of music in which skinny white kids with scene hair alternately scream and rap over beats that are somewhere between indie dance and Southern bounce? I didn't until the other day, and now you do too!

FTSK poppin and lockin

Ancestors
Screamo crunk is the very post-modern intersection of trends in several, unrelated genres of music, all mashed up into something new. Depending on how you want to look at it, that either makes it all kinds of awesome or a giant shit sandwich- I will let you be the judge of that, though!

Emo/Screamo
Back in my day (the 90s), screamo was Gravity Records fall-on-the-floor-and-freak-out stuff like Heroin, Second Story Window, and John Henry West. Emo was its much poppier cousin, best embodied by bands like Promise Ring and Texas Is The Reason or whatever. The important thing to note here is that these bands were the first to start attracting pretty girls to shows. Naturally I thought they were completely gay at the time, but in retrospect I should have thanked them profusely! To his credit, Lucho Metales was way more into this stuff at the time than I was. But we also both liked Shelter, so what the fuck did we know?

18 Visions = eyeliner + leather pants + mosh

Hardcore
In the hardcore scene, bands like Unbroken and Undertow introduced moshcore kids to the idea of paying attention to your appearance, with their pompodores, creepers and tight jeans. It's easy to see how they started us down the road that gave us bands like Eighteen Visions and Bleeding Through, who pretty much took what they started and made it even more awesome!

Forever The Sickest Kids, my favorite nu-punk band!

The trend toward more polished, accessible songs continued, yielding a new crop of "nu-punk" bands that basically sound like Miley Cyrus with MySpace hair. Good examples are Cash Cash, Kill Paradise, Metro Station, Hellogoodbye, and other stuff your little sister probably listens to. I am pretty sure that our readers will be not even a little surprised that I love this shit! The big thing to note here is the incorporation of dance elements into the familiar powerpop/pop punk formula.

I'm your idol, the highest title, numero uno

Rap
Before I ever listened to punk, hardcore, or metal, I was into rap. This was in the late 80s, which was a pretty awesome time that brought us legends like Rakim, Special Ed, Gangstarr, Too $hort, and tons more that aren't necessarily legends but are at the very least good for lulz: K-Solo, King Sun, Lakim Shabazz, and Chub Rock. I still love that shit, but as we all know, rap is very different now. It's all about Southern party rap now, which is fine by me because there is honestly nowhere I'd rather be than drunk off my ass at the club with a girl and cutting a rug to some T-Pain, Akon, or Baby Bash.

If you meet a girl at Urban Outfitters, she secretly loves this song

Here is a little secret for all you single dudes out there: Indie girls who are 20-25 years old all love getting down to some commercial rap. Take her to the club, make sure both of you have a few drinks in you, and when Flo-Rida or Lil Wayne come on, I guarantee you she will be getting down and you will be getting lucky when you come home. The only tricky part is talking them into going to the club in the first place because they have to pretend like they don't want to go, in order to maintain their indie coolness. It can always be "ironic" if that's what it takes, like "Hey let's go to this club, but just for a joke so we can laugh at all the lame douchelords there." It won't be ironic anymore after you buy her a couple rounds.

Exemplars


Brokencyde
This is pretty much the epitome of screamo crunk and these kids are fucking awesome. I am 100% certain that the majority of MI readers will vomit with hatred when they watch this video, but I am pretty into it. Range Rovers, hot emo chicks in Forever 21 dresses, and alcohol?! What's not to fucking like?! They are on Kottonmouth Kings' label, Suburban Noize, which is pretty funny, although not as funny as Doug Carrion from Descendents being in KMK. Also, don't miss their Waking The Cadaver-inspired song "Bree Bree"! Also, these motherfuckers have 25 million plays on MySpace!



Hollywood Undead
MySpace phenoms Hollywood Undead round out the screamo crunk scene by filling out the scummier end of the spectrum. I mean, I think most of the people in this scene are pretty scummy (and I mean that in a good way), but these dudes seem particularly sketchy. Maybe not in the same league as Necro or Ezec/Danny Diablo, but who is?? Anyway this video is awesome, full of skanky strippers and alcohol. I'm pretty into it and it definitely reminds me of "the good old days" of hanging out at shady graffiti parties. Note the "Crazy Train" bassline in the song above.


Attack Attack
I love Katy Perry and I love mosh parts. This band combines the two into something impossibly sweet. Back in the dizzay when I was reading Metal Maniacs and Maximum Rock and Roll I would have never dreamed of a day when something like this would be possible, but guess what: it just happened, son!


3OH!3
These two douchebags from Colorado know how to spit some lyrics: "Shh girl, shut your lips. Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips" is great, but "X's on the back of your hands, wash them off in the bathroom to drink with the bands" is even better! Before you get your panties in a bind and call these guys homos, take 1 second to ask yourself how much hot indie ass they get, and repeat after me: DON'T HATE, CONGRATULATE!

DO WANT (note gold American Apparel tube top and awesome hair)

Conclusions
The main thing is, it makes me really angry that this scene didn't exist when I was a kid. Back in the suffocatingly PC 90s hardcore scene that I grew up in, our idea of fun was going to a vegan bake sale in some motherfucker's basement in Indianapolis or whatever (Guav, are you reading this)! Either that or go see Disembodied with Day of Suffering and get punched in the face by some asshole in a Brother's Keeper basketball jersey.

I'm seriously pissed off that I spent my 20s on hardcore and graffiti instead of getting drunk with hot girls who have awesome hair, and I wish there was fun shit like screamo crunk back then to give me a venue for fun. You see, in the 90s hardcore scene, we took everything very seriously- having fun was the worst sin you could ever commit!

As always, if you think I'm joking when I say that I love this shit, I promise you that I'm not. Look at my Last.fm charts if you want proof!