Nocturnus/Morbid Angel/After Death's Mike Browning

Mike Browning is a good poser test: Anybody who knows their shit will quickly tell you about Mike's role in shaping early Florida death metal. A founding member of Morbid Angel, he made his biggest contribution with Nocturnus. We make a lot of Nocturnus jokes, but trust me that we are all huge Nocturnus fans. I first heard them in 1991 or so on the legendary Earche comp "Grindcrusher" when their track "BC/AD" completely blew me away. I stuck with them and became a huge fan by the time I was out of high school. Lucho, Krusher, Awakening, me, and the other kids in our circle of weirdos who grew up listening to Youth of Today and Terrorizer literally talked about Nocurnus for fucking hours when we hung out. In particular I remember around 97 or 98, me and this one dude Vince (where are you broseph??) geeking out on "The Key"and making "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" noises at each other like the the keyboards on "Lake of Fire."

In contrast to many of his contemporaries (for instance the other dudes from Morbid Angel), who are complete fucking wingnuts, Mike seems like a cool, down-to-earth guy that doesn't take himself too seriously. That's a welcome change of pace, since there are way too many people who were in far less important bands who have their head completely up their own ass.

Washed up a-hole: "Do you know who I am?!?! I played bass in ROTTREVORE, you insolent fuck! Now kiss my pinkie and I'll forgive you."
Guy he is talking to: "Uh.... welcome to Olive Garden. How many people in your party?"

You don't hear his name nearly as much as you should these days, so we are super stoked to have Mike on Metal Inquisition!

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"BC/AD": Before Christ - I ruled the land! After death - I will rule once again!!

You made quite a mark on the death metal landscape in the 90s, but many of us lost track of you after that. What are you up to these days, both musically and otherwise? What do you do for a living?
Right now my band After Death is mixing a bunch of new songs we just recorded. There are 5 new songs and we rerecorded one off of our last Retronomicon CD and just for the fuck of it we recorded 2 old Morbid Angel songs Chapel of Ghouls(with The Invocation) and Angel of Disease from the Abominations of Desolation album, close to how they were done back in 1986, but still with some new elements as well. The last time we recorded was back in 2006, so we are way past due for some new material to be released! We also did a tour last October of Europe as After Death playing Nocturnus songs from The Key, which went over pretty well, so we may do that again sometime soon. Other than that I just work a regular day job for the water department in Tampa and work on my newest project a 1957 Chevy Bel Air that has become a fucking money pit, but it does haul ass!

Nocturnus was pretty out there for the early 90s. How did people react when you first came out? How does that differ from how people would react now, in a world where we've heard enough blast beats and sweep picking to sink a battleship?
The reactions were pretty good actually. I think because of The Science of Horror demo being heavier and less technical than The Key was, helped us to kind of break into a new style of death metal without going to far over the people's heads. But yeah today we might just have been the band of the week for the fucking sheeple that say they are death metal fans! Peoples attention spans these days are about as long as their dicks! And their attitudes are bigger!!!

OK, so maybe Mike is a little weird. But it could be a zillion times weirder/more embarrassing- just ask Evil D.

Are you familiar with the popular death metal band Nile? They have a lot of songs about having sex with mummies, pet sphinxes, and other weird Egyptian stuff. You had a mummy on the cover of your 7" many years before Nile came out, how do you feel about them stealing your gimmick?
Well we did use some Egyptian themes way before Nile, but actually I didn't play on that 7" you mentioned, that was after I left the band. My band After Death does a lot more Egyptian themed music now, but we don't sound anything like Nile. Our style of lyrics is also more about the magick and rituals that the Ancient Egyptians used. And we have a full time keyboard player, so we can make the whole song have more atmosphere instead of just an intro.

Classic, hilarious Nocturnus segment from "Hard N Heavy Grindcore" video. I love the part where the keyboardist talks about "thrashing where he's at" (1:20) and at 2:15 where they give advice to young bands who are thinking about moving to Florida to be closer to the epicenter of the scene.

Aside from mummies, Nocturnus' lyrics referenced all kinds of crazy shit like crystal balls, spaceships, droids, and so forth. Where did you come up with that stuff? Specifically, can you tell me what "Enter The Droids" is about?
In the beginning Nocturnus was mostly occult oriented lyrics, but when Mike Davis joined the band and started writing and had some lyrical ideas it turned more into sci-fi type stuff, so I mixed his ideas with mine and it came out to be some pretty crazy shit that I ended up writing about. The Key was pretty much a concept album about a guy going back in time and destroying Jesus Christ and taking over the world with future technology that he brought back with him.

"It was in one of the crashed alien ships that he found 'The Key' that was the finishing piece to make his time machine work"

It didn't really start as a concept album though, but as we kept writing songs they started to fit together like a puzzle and kind of ended up as a story, but each song could still stand on it's own. Enter The Droids was the part of the story where alien droid ships started attacking the Earth and the main character retreated to a cave where he built the time machine and it was in one of the crashed alien ships that he found "The Key" that was the finishing piece to make his time machine work.

Lord Browning sits atop his throne while he prepares a fiendish scheme to rape himself once he has his time machine back (it's been kind of sputtering lately when idling, probably just the O2 sensor)

Here on Metal Inquisition, we like to joke about "the Nocturnus time machine." For example, we have a whole section dedicated to "things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine." We also came up with a concept for scale models of the time machine. What would you do if you actually had access to the time machine you wrote about on "The Key"? I think I would go back in time to when I was a child and rape myself.
Man do you want me to make a fucking list or what!!! Hell there are tons of things I would go back and change if I had a time machine, especially some of the chicks I have met and had relationships with, that would probably be first on my list!!! I think some sweet revenge would be nice too for people that have wronged me, that's always nice to think about as well!!!

But why rape yourself when you can go back a bit farther and rape your mom and actually create yourself by raping your mom, now that's a fucking idea there!!! Maybe that will be my next concept album, so don't go stealing my idea like everyone else does!

If you were 20 years old today and starting a band, what would it sound like? What would your personal brand be?
I think I would have to say it might sound like After Death does now, pretty much I have always wanted to do atmospheric sounding occult metal! But if I was 20 again I don't know if I would have the discipline for it the way the world is today, but I would probably still make the same stupid mistakes anyway because I haven't changed much since then.

All goes well until :45 or so, then oh boy... the wheels fall right off the wagon. Then at 1:35 he starts talking about his Quake clan and you just want to hide out of vicarious embarrassment.

You know the guys in Morbid Angel well, right? Please watch this video of Trey Azagthoth hosting "Headbanger's Ball" and tell us what you think is going through his head. Other than, "I feel like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet."
What's funny is I knew Trey was going to be on Headbanger's Ball, so I actually saw that episode when it first aired and from knowing him all these years it was pretty much exactly what I expected to happen!!! I doubt he will ever try that one again!!!

Back in the day, it was mindblowing for someone to be able to play a blast beat, double bass, or tremolo riff at all. In retrospect, most of the musicianship was pretty amateurish by today's standards. As someone who was in one of the most technical, innovative bands of the 90s, how does it make you feel that these days every 16 year-old asshole kid can play sick blasts, sweep picked arpeggios, and 250 bpm double bass when people like you struggled so hard at pioneering these techniques?
It is all pretty relative because back then people thought that what we were doing was mind blowing and now I see these kids playing twice as fast and not even breaking a sweat. I think because the kids these days are brought up on this stuff and didn't have to progress into it or create it, that they come from a different mindset. Only problem is not a one of them have any originality, they all want and do sound like someone else and even worse is they want to be that way! There is no more originality anymore, so maybe it all has been done!

Can you imagine how amazing it would be to live next to this, then find out it belonged to Mike Browning?! My mind would explode, like if I saw Glen Benton buying Little League outfits for his kids.

When I listen to Nocturnus, I always have a visual in my head to go along with the song. For example, "Empire of The Sands" reminds me of the Jawas in "Star Wars." Did you have any visuals in mind when you were writing them? If so, share the one that you think would be most surprising to us.
The whole goal of Nocturnus was to create an atmosphere with the music and lyrics together and this has always been what I would consider success over making money, not that making money is bad, but to me this is the greatest compliment someone can say about my music. When I write the lyrics, usually the whole idea pops into my head with a title that sums it up and I have a visual of the whole song like a movie playing out inside my head so at that point the lyrics start flowing sometimes so fast I can hardly write them down before I forget them. I usually have to find a paper and pen right away and end up writing the whole song in less than 10 minutes!

"I see this guy kicking the stable door down wearing some kind of a futuristic space suit and just blasting away Joseph, Mary and the 3 wise men and then saving the baby Jesus in his little manger for last"

I would say as far as Nocturnus it would probably be Destroying The Manger, where I see this guy kicking the stable door down wearing some kind of a futuristic space suit and just blasting away Joseph, Mary and the 3 wise men and then saving the baby Jesus in his little manger for last as he starts laughing hysterically maybe with a cigar in his mouth like a true superhero would and just blasts the whole manger to smithereens!!! It would make a great movie don't ya think!!!

This song is the origin of the "Nocturnus time machine" meme:

ENTER THE DROIDS / Cybernetic cralts approaching / Through skies lit with fusion discharge / Androids from the gamma quadrant / Moving at the speed of death / Now the human race is so vulnerable / Invasion set for attack / "Enter the Droids" / Command-Mission-Destroy-Planet-Three-From-Their sun / Caught within my tractor beam / Bringing the craft to me / Disable the robot for my own use / to aid my escape / Fleets of ships are now arriving,overtaking / Physical evasion is my only demise / Left to me for my survival / Gaining data from their system,overriding / To complete my invention,the time machine / Only question is"will it function"?

Pretend you get to write the metal history books. What would you like people to remember about you and your work?
Well I have never claimed to be some kind of an amazing musician, so more than anything I would want to be remembered as the one and only Mike Browning!

More info: After Death on MySpace, Mike Browning's MySpace, Nocturnus on Encyclopaedia Metallum. Also check out this 2008 interview with Mike courtesy of I Could Die Tomorrow. After Death is currently finishing up a new album, which we'll post about when it's done- stay tuned.

Back in the United States of America, God's country.

Once I decided upon "Back in the United States of America, God's country." as the title for this piece, I searched through my photo archives for an image that would best express what the USA embodies. As luck would have it, a picture of Donna Stewart-Barris (from Metal Inquisition's accounts payable department) was emailed to me right on time. The picture was taken during our annual company picnic, right after the raffle, during which Donna won a copy of Bolt Thrower's War Master album. Congratulations Donna!



After a thoroughly enjoyable trip to Europe in order to see the Tour de France, I'm now safely back home in the US of A. As a result of Metal Inquisition being a journalistic forum that is devoted to horrible music and not sports, I'll give you only a couple of details about the trip. Why only a few details? Because I don't want to turn off the few remaining readers we have as a result of the stream of posts having slowly dwindled into a trickle in the last month. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, Mr Skullkrusher and I did make it on to the TV broadcast of the Tour de France. Simply watch every five hour stage of the last two weeks and look for us. Good luck.



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Most healthy adults are able to let go of the silly thoughts and dreams they had as children. That is simply not the case for my brother and me. Sometimes you simply HAVE to do things that the 11 year old version of you would have thought were the shit. The idea of Jens Voigt and Thor Hushovd riding their bikes over an Iron Maiden logo at the Tour de France was simply intoxicating...and as such...we made it happen! Hooray for the 11 year old versions of us! We did it!!! Fuckin-a!

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Just last week, I spent a very pleasant afternoon with Mr Bike Snob NYC, who is truly a scholar and a gentleman. As we conversed about the unstoppable freight train of metal schlock that was/is Morbid Angel, I suddenly remembered something that I had long ago put away in the dark recesses of my mind. In the early and mid 90s, I attended a couple of shows in which the audience suddenly began to seig heil. If I remember correctly, this happened in both a Morbid Agnel show (perhaps as a result of David Vincent's very tasteful, and period-appropriate SS uniform) as well as several Slayer shows. Did anyone else experience this during that time? Was it just confined to the area of the country where I lived back then? By the way, don't be a smartass and respond that you saw it once at a Skrewdriver show...that doesn't count. That's a bit like saying that you once got sprayed with feces at a GG Allin show...I mean...while it might be mildly amusing, it's pretty much par for the course.

When you start shopping in the inner-tube section of the Sears website for clothing, you know something's gone horribly wrong.


Every time I mention David Vincent, I'm obligated by law to post a picture of his new persona, Evil D. Boy, it's not often that you find yourself saying "You know, I think you looked better in the SS uniform"

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Although I've always been amazed by how similar time travel and flying to Europe are, since they both allow you to see un-ironic metalheads in all their glory (complete with denim vests, white hightops, sweatpants etc), I'm saddened to report that in this latest trip, the number of metalhead sightings was way down. I'm sure other cities, and countries in Europe could perhaps offer more in the banger-watching (as I refer to it) department. But see, in the past, Barcelona always managed to deliver the goods. But not this time. The city is now split into two camps, tourists, and locals who appear to be sponsored by retailing giant Zara. So, aside from the guy who was wearing a Bathory shirt AND flip flops on the metro, I failed to see any of my brothers in metal during the trip. By the way, how un-metal can you get? Flip-flops on a black metal fan? If the fact that Gaahl from Gorgoroth is now officially out of the closet, and that Nicolas Cage's kid has black metal band weren't already signs of black metal's demise....the flip flops/ Bathrory shirt combo surely must be.

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An unexpected treat about seeing the Tour de France in Barcelona was being able to see both cycling and architecture simultaneously, since the Tour's route went right by Mies van der Rohe's Barcelona Pavillion. This was an unexpected, and almost debaucherous treat for an absolute looser like me. What would have made the experience better you ask? Well, if Mike Browning and Nocturnus would have descended onto the site on their spaceship and broken into Lake Of Fire...my life would have been so complete, that I would have gone ahead and committed harakiri right then and there. Luckily for our readers, Mike Browning and Nocturnus never showed up....something about Mike having to go to Pier 1 because of a sale on pseudo Egyptian decor.



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Look, I know I've posted this video before...but for some reason I woke up reciting this verbatim today...and as such, I had to share it with all of you once again. What can I say, some things never get old.




If you were able to watch the video above for its full duration, you'll be happy to know that Devry Universtiy will award you three credit hours towards an associates degree in Comparative Religion through their online program. Simply enter the code "MTLINQSTN" in the "coupons" field when you are checking out.

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As I've mentioned before, a fun game to play with friends and family is to come up with a word and then draw a super-evil metal logo for it. The more ridiculous the word, the better. Although I would now play this game as a bit of a joke (drawing a black metal logo for a word like "custard" is always fun), I have found proof that I didn't always do it in jest. Hidden among many other treasures, the Metal Inquisition archives revealed perhaps the earliest known example of this game being played. Much like the cave paintings of Lascaux, these logos will be studied by art historians and anthropologiests for year to come. Carbon-14 dating has helped us estimate that this particular sheet of paper is from the summer of 1991. Please note the "Abnegation" logo, a word I remember having found in the dictionary by mere chance. My use of this word as a made-up name for a non-existent band greatly pre-dates its use as the actual name of an actual band. As a result, I believe I may have a lawsuit here. Sadly, I think the settlement would come down to me getting 152 unsold copies of the band's 7"s. Much like getting smallpox infested blankets, this would be a settlement I could easily live without. So, on second thought, they can keep the name.



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One last picture from my trip to Europe. This picture was taken at a small bike shop near Plaça d'Espanya in Barcelona. Upon seeing the brand name of this bike, many ask themselves "who would come up with such a name?" Well, I have an answer to this question...or at least a clue as to who would do such a thing. You see, on a daily basis, I'm called a "fag" by numerous drivers as I ride my bike. This happens every hour, on the hour, and the US military now uses these driver outbursts to set its atomic clock.

As I see it, the bike's brand name simply functions as a pre-emptive strike on the part of the bike's owner. Much like the fat kid in school who always made fun of himself before anyone could lay a fat joke on him, this bike proudly states that the guy riding the bike knows what the drivers around him think.

"Oh, you're calling me a 'fag'...joke's on you pal. I'm riding on a Qüer bike...I'm already a step ahead of you, you douche!"

While not particularly effective, this interaction makes the person riding the bike a bit better...and less like...well, a "fag". It's for this reason that the company's name was clearly thought of by a marketing genius...or a fat guy, or a fat guy who is gay and got made fun of in school.

One last note...while this approach of mocking yourself before letting someone else do it may work for adults...I would highly, highly discourage you from getting a Qüer bike for your kid...because really, that's the last thing they need.




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Now that I'm back home after a rather crazy month of traveling, I'll try to get back to my normal posting schedule. Hopefully the other slobs who are supposed to be posting will also pick up the slack, damn those bastards.

How can Metal Inquisition use its fans to become a more successful operation?

Ruth Scanlon, Director Of Marketing at Metal Inquisition, presents her findings based on last Monday's input from readers.

After collecting all the data about our reader's through Monday's post, we quickly turned that information over to our marketing and operations departments. It was the marketing department, after all, that had asked us to gather this data to begin with. Armed with information about our readership, the marketing department put an 89 page report (a horrible Powrpoint slidewhow actually) which is supposed to make our future posts better suited to our readership. The information you gave us will also allow us to launch a more successful ad campaign down the line, and will inform future marketing decisions. First on the agenda, for example, is the great Metal Inquisition Yo-Yo giveaway of 2009. Stay tuned for all the details.

In order not to bore you to death with the details of the lengthy Powrpoint slidewhow, I will merely give you some bullet points. As you'll see, the main recommendations I'll share with you are about using our readers for our purposes, in order to make our operation run more efficiently. I think we will all benefit as a result.

Everytime I see a picture of this guy from the band Disturbed, my blood boils with anger.

Some of our readers are younger than we thought, as such we will make less references to Nocturnus, Voivod, Tankard, Sarcofago, Mortal Sin, Napalm Death and Brutal Truth in the future. All Nocturnus time machine references will be changed to comments about Slipknot, Distrubed and Lamb Of God. The really bad news for me is that I may actually have to find out who Lamb Of God are, or what they sound like. Same with that band Distrubed*. Ughhh....damn you marketing department! Similarly, we will now hold Tommy Victor in high regard due to his amazing fashion sense, and his affinity for Affliction clothing.


*After writing this insanely funny part of the post, I realized that the bands I used as examples of music young people would listen to, peaked in popularity nearly 5 to 10 years ago, thus proving how out of it I am. It's like your grandfather saying "Are you into that crazy new rock music? Do you like Fleetwood Mac?"






Many of our readers are from countries outside the United States, this means that from now on all references that are overly western shall be changed. If any of us must make a reference to any sport, it will be cricket (which the marketing department found to be a " location neutral" sport). We will also start spelling words like "color" as "colour".

This reminds me, I fully expect that those of you who have good jobs, and don't live like slobs (I'm looking at all of you 20 year old unemployed readers) will host me next time I travel outside of the United States. By my calculations, I should be able to stay for free in nice accommodations with people who are lawyers, scientists, web developers and teachers in pretty much every continent. Singapore, South Africa, Finland, Norway, Australia, Portugal... these all sound like great distinations to me. As far as our reader who lives in Toledo Ohio..I'm not at all interested in visiting your city, so don't leave the light on for me. What will you show me once I'm there? The newest wing that was recently added to Franklin Park Mall? Tony Packos? Will you take me to a Mudhens game? I'll pass. Similarly, I'll pass on going to Poland. You know a country is in bad shape when its greatest tourist attraction is a damn concentration camp. Look, I've been there, and my only fond memory of the trip would have to be when I saw a drunken man unknowingly walk through another drunken man's stream of urine.

Preliminary renderings of the new MI headquarters in Geneva.

We have at least one architect as a reader, which will come in handy when we finally decide to build our new world headquarters in Geneva. Maria, I'm talking to you, sharpen up those skills, and start thinking about some possible schemes. To any other architects who are reading this, I have to warn you, we are unbelievably good at writing about metal (duh), but we are terrible clients and can never make up our minds. Consider the ongoing arguments that MI staffers have been having about Voivod being good or not. After nearly 10 years we have yet to come to a unified conclusion. As such, I will make an executive decision right now and tell you what we're looking for: Something ala Richard Meier, but ideally not inspired by his work at the Getty center, which I find to be lacking in cohesive narrative. Much like Slayer could do no wrong...until they did wrong, Meier too had his fall. Since you live in Barcelona, I should tell you that I was not impressed with MACBA. Start sketching, I would like to see four alternative direction by next Monday.







We have a few lawyers as a readers, Lou C Fer being just one of them. He practices law in Spain. By the way, why do they call it "practicing" law? If you have a degree, I hope you are done practicing, and you know how to do things right. I know, I know, that last insightful bit about "practicing law" made me sound out of it, and a bit like Andy Rooney.

Damn, the marketing department just informed me that an Andy Rooney reference is too Ameri-centric for our international readers. I'll go back and fix it before I publish this.

Anyway, Lou (if I may call you Lou) we will need your help in the next few months, since you practice in Spain. Like my post about Manowar and the houses they live in, we are currently working on a devastating piece about Baron Rojo (see photo above), their homes and their preferred methods for hair loss prevention. The piece will surely anger the band, and will have endless legal ramifications, so we'd like to keep you on retainer.







For future posts that may include the topic of sports, our marketing department has instructed us to bring in the one professional athlete within our readership, one Marizle Farizle, as a consultant. The first post for which we will need his help will be about John Jospeh, singer of the Cro-Mags, and his use of a full Saxo Bank kit in this video where he teaches us all how to work out like an urban warrior. Wait, scratch that, I just got a memo from the marketing folks...the post will be about cricket, and how great of a sport it is.






Due to overwhelming response from our readers about our recent Metal Inquisition Archives post, we are recruiting a few of our readers who are librarians, to properly care for these delicate materials. As part of your duties you will be caring for my personal collection of Beta tapes, which include all the Danzig homve videos, Ultimate Revenge 1 and 2, a few Metallica bootlegs, and hours of Headbager's Ball shows (circa 1990). Along with this collection, the vintage issues of Metal Hammer (circa 1987-1989) will have to be cataloged. Similarly we will need to have our guitar pic collection classified and organized, the same holds true for our collection of Wild Rag newsletters (our equivalent to a Gutenberg bible). We are unable to pay you for these duties, the economy being what it is, but hope that you'll take a Mythic 7" and a Flotsam and Jetsam signed 8"x10" as payment.

To represent "finances", we have been instructed by the marketing folks to use images of the British pound, since it does not have the cultural baggage that the American dollar does.

Due to Metal Inquisition's finances being in complete shambles, we are bringing in a reader to help us sort things out. CallPastorBob is an accounting clerk, and should be able to sort out our situation out very quickly. You see, we are extremely profitable as a company, but have been having some issues with expenses over the last few months. Sergeant D keep expensing things like his Chris Isaak tattoo, and $1800 worth of XS Energy drink from Amway, although he claimed this was "research", I'm a bit suspicious. Similarly, Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls has just expensed his eight copy of the Grindcrusher sampler cassette. With irresponsible employees like this, I ask you, how long we can stay profitable?






We couldn't help but notice that an unusually high percentage of you work in nursing homes. While we have no use for your skills here at MI (I mean, I may wear orthodics and feel like an old man, but I'm still in my prime), we would still like to work with you on a project that we are currently developing. You see, Sergeant D has had a little pet project going for some time (aside from his Amway colabo with Waking the Cadaver), and it's now time to kick it into high gear. I'm talking, of course, about his research into using Benediction's music as a sleeping aid for the elderly. Contact us, and we'll make sure to get you started on this most important project.






Latly, I should now let you all in on the fact that the last question we asked you (about going back in time and letting the bus run Lars over instead of Cliff) was not merely a question. Oh no. We were taking requests. As you know, here at Metal Inquisition we own the actual Nocturnus time machine. We bought it from Mike Browning recently, when he was in need for some quick cash in order to buy more Egyptian decor for his Florida home. Although we've owned the time machine for about four months now, Mike took a while to send us The Key that starts it up. Now that we have (word to the wise, never use FedEx when sending The Key to a time machine) we wanted to know what our maiden voyage should be. The concesus seems to be that running the tiny Danish man would make him into a martyir, which we certainly don't want to do. As such, we are now clueless as to what our first trip in time should be. Any suggestions?

It's all about our fans, so introduce yourselves

Fans at our last autograph signing in New York City.

If you're like me, and you've been around metal long enough, you've probably heard every band on earth talk about how "it's all about the fans". Gene Simmons says it all the time, and Lars Ulrich says it every hour on the hour. He's so timely about it, actually, that most atomic clocks are set according to Lars spewing that line. Look, I know that Gene Simmons doesn't really count as "metal", but you get my point. I mean, I've even heard David Vincent say that "it's all about the fans"...so you know it must be true. Here at Metal Inquisition, we are no different. We love our fans, although it's worth mentioning that unlike Gene, and Lars, our fans have not afforded us the ability to live off of them. Notice I didn't include David Vincent in that last part about living off of someone, since I wouldn't exactly consider renting a two bedroom apartment in Tampa, along with our wife and three kids "living". Still, our monetary situation may change soon, since our line of yo-yos has yet to drop.

But I'm getting off topic. Over the last year and a half many of you have gotten to know us, the MI staff, through our fantastically well-written pieces. Now, we'd like to learn more about you, the MI reader. I often look to see who is currently reading the blog, and I see people from Argentina, Bulgaria, Italy, Turkey, and Belize. I also see readers from odd places like Exxon, Yale and Harvard, who I'm sure are writing their Phd dissertations about wigger slam, and are currently using us as a source. Through all this I'm left to wonder, much like Jerry Seinfeld did, "who are these people?" So I'm now asking you to tell us. Please! In the comments section, please answer the following:


1. Where do you live? (City, country)

2. How old are you?

3. What do you do for a living?

4. How did you first come to the blog?

5. How often do you check the blog?

6. If you had access to the Nocturnus time machine, would you go back in time and make the bus run Lars over instead of Cliff ?

From Italy with love

As I'm sure absolutely all of our readers know, the Giro D' Italia starts tomorrow. Like me, I know that all of you will be waking up at 9am (6am if you're in the west coast) to watch the Team Time Trial. Why? Because there is nothing more manly or metal than men racing their balls off for the honor of wearing a tight pink shirt. It's for this reason that I'm dedicating this post to Italian metal. If you are going to question the relationship between this blog and sports, don't. Read this first.



Drummers are hard to find, I know this for a fact since I play drums myself. It's for this reason that most bands will lower their standards greatly when it comes to timekeeping duties. Having said that...I think simply getting your retarded cousin who also suffers for cerebral palsy, putting some make-up on his face and plopping him behind the kit is a bit extreme....even for black metal.



Look at the mountains behind these idiots. You know how secretaries and fat suburban women from the midwest dream about living in Tuscany? They don't even know where it is...but it's constantly on their mind...along with Bed and Breakfasts, Myrtle Beach, jalapeño poppers, and Jimmy Buffett. These assholes actually get to live there...but still spend their time writing songs about goblins and trolls. What a waste. Oh, and one last thing. Don't you guys feel like total assholes for having built a 6 foot high stage, when only two people show up to your shows? Also you are violating the number one rule of playing metal live. Your stage should NEVER be taller than your amps. With a stage this high, you'd have to play with full Marshall stacks. I thought everyone knew about this rule! Man, Italy is so backwards!




Mortuary Drape is perhaps the epitome of both Italian stupidity and ingenuity. Just look at their inventive use of this quilty vest from the J. Jill catalog. J. Jill, by the way, is the ideal place to shop if you're a forty year old middle school teacher, or if you play in a laughable Italian band. That brand's reach is truly admirable. If you'd like to read more about Mortuary Drape, check out our post about them here. Why is he waring a purple satin vest you ask? Because the tight pink jersey didn't go with his creepy KKK style mask. Duh. There's one thing you should NEVER question, and that's an Italian man's sense of style.



Why is it ALWAYS the tubby ones that want to take their shirts off. Look at this tub of goo, he's holding his gut in so hard that I can almost hear him whispering "oh my god, did you take the picture yet?" under his breath.



Only in Italy would a fourth-rate death metal band (I bet you anything they cover Chapel Of Ghouls) willingly wear what are basically bell-bottom jeans, all in the name of euro-fashion. Tucked in wife-beater? Only in Italy. But hey, we should all give it up to these guys for not letting metal fashion cramp their suave Italian sensibilities. Rock those jeans boys...rock them! Oh, and to the guy with the flying-v, I'm glad you're wearing your Puma driving slippers. You never know when Jarno Trulli will get hurt, and you may be asked to step in mid-solo.



If you grow up in a miserable place with harsh winters, I understand why you'd get into metal and end up dressing up like a godamned knight everyday. For the record, I felt the same way when I lived in Miami. I would look at myself in the mirror...95 degree heat, and I was wearing a black Entombed long sleeve shirt, black jeans and a mullet. So yes, I was an idiot...but I was like 13, and never ever wore a steel helmet and shin guards. Anyway, when you're from southern Italy...well, let's just say it's beyond me. How on earth do you put this on for your band's photo shoot, and not realize how big of a douche you are? Oh, and you know this kid's mom is super Catholic and will probably throw out his shield anyday now, as she angrily screams "Diavolo! Diavolo!"




So I've criticized the guy above for wearing armor and waving his shield around the warm and fertile hills of southern Itally...but I have not yet offered a worthwhile alternative for him to consider. May I suggest Italian cyclist and international playboy Mario Cipollini. This guy is proof that you can be plenty happy, bang tons of girls and still keep some metal street cred by rocking a fantastic greasy perm. Oh, and let's not forget the mighty zebra stripes. Even Ted Nugent was jealous of his Acqua & Sapone kit.

"Would any of you ladies fancy a bit of bubbly from this strategically placed bottle?"

Does he seriously need the suspenders?

To our metal friends in Italy I say, try this look. Why not? What's the worst thing that can happen, perhaps you'll be asked by Living Colour to join them in a reunion show, all due to your understanding of day-glo colors and skin tight clothing. That's not so bad, is it? You'd still be involved in black metal. Oh.....easy joke, and a bad one. I know. Sorry. Thanks to AC for coming up with that joke 15 years ago.




I could try really hard to write something funny, something that would be devastating and nearly bring this man-child to tears...but in reality, it would pale in comparison to the hell his mom will give him once she comes home and sees that upside down cross on his forehead. Having spent some time in Italy, and having met my Italian friend's mothers (I'm looking your way Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls), there's one thing I've learned: don't fuck with an Italian mother. Period. I don't care how many bullet belts you have, I don't care how grim you are, I don't care how many denim vests you have, I don't care how many gas masks you hang from you belt. Just don't do it. How do I know? I'm from South America...the motherland of Catholic guilt and overbearing mothers. Trust me.



Man, the drummer always gets the shaft. The guitar player and the bass player get to take their instruments for a walk in the woods...the drummer never gets to bring anything other than his drumsticks. Sorry to point this out yet again, but if you think these guys look extreme, you should see the picture that was taken only seconds after this one. As they were standing in the woods, their Italian mothers found them and gave them all brutal thrashings with an extension cords and empty pans of lasagna.




If you've ever been involved with a TV or film shoot, you've probably often heard the phrase "we'll fix it in post", which means that the image or audio can be enhanced, changed or fixed after the fact in post-production. I can just see this evil teenager saying the same thing: "Ah damn-ah, I forgot-ah to bring-ah the blood-ah I was going to put all over myself...oh well, we'll just fix it in post-ah*", by which he meant he would simply use the Airbrush tool in Photoshop.

* These "ahs" are my humorous way of mocking the Italian accent.




No single backdrop speaks about the horrors of humanity, the sadness and grim existance we all endure, and man's inhumanity to man like Italy does. I mean, just look at this grim picture! Doesn't it just make you angry, like you want to sing battle hymns for satan and wear black metal make-up on the beach? Oh that's right...it doesn't. All it should really make you think about is laying on the beach, and going shopping for high Italian fashion, much like the Grisswalds did (see below). If anyone points out that Italy is oppressive because of it's catholic guilt and the Vatican...I say get over it. Millions of people seem to get by just fine. Seeing these pictures of metal dorks makes me want to fly over there and shake them until they barf.







These guys were about to drive off into the woods to do their shoot. Everything was going well, until the singer suddenly yells out "Oh shit-ah, did anyone remember to pack my Nazi uniform and hat?" the drummer says "I knew you'd forget it...ha ha, don't worry. I remembered to pack it along with my bullet belts. I got you man." That, readers, is true friendship. A guy who remembers to pack your classy nazi uniform is a friend for life.




You know how Hitchock used Hershey's chocolate syrup as blood for the shower scene in Psycho, since it was shot in black and white? Well, guess what these guys use for their make up? Spaghetti sauce. Crazy huh?





Electrical tape around his fingertips? Is he like the Michael Jackson of black metal? Why does he parade around construction sites with a ballpoint pen around his neck? As always, black metal photography gives us more questions than answers. In case you were wondering, this picture is proof of something I've commented on before many times. Time travel does in fact exist. Just look at those Reebok hi top sneakers! Put the keys to the Nocturnus time machine down, all you need is a plane ticket to Italy. By the way, I'm bummed to see that more and more European countries are starting to use American building standards. Using wooden 2x4's in European construction (along with drywall) seems sacrilegious. Maybe that's why this guy is posing in this construction site...it's the most unholy thing ever to be built in Italy!


A whole post about horrible things from Italy, and I didn't even mention Cripple Bastards once! Hooray for me!

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Before anyone out there responds to my hilarious commentary about Italians by mocking Americans, let me remind you that I'm not an American. I too know that most Americans look like this:

And I also know that these kids, American as they may be, look like Billy Milano, who has Italian blood (which is thick as gravy) running through his stupid fat body. It's a complicated subject.

Speaking of Milano, are you craving even more Italian content? Today is your lucky day, and not just because the Giro starts tomorrow! Check out some past posts about this very controversial subject.

- Our post about Billy Milano's stage banter.
- Check out the post about Billy Milano banging broads on the road.
- Do you like horrible bands? Have you heard about Death SS?
- Would you like to see the house that a prominent Italian-American demi star like Joey DeMaio lives in? Ever wonder how much other Manowar band members paid for their homes? Read up.
-Do you love Lars Ulrich's dad, but also love roman Catholicism? You're in luck.

Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal (Part 4)

Archeologists from UNC Chapel Hill uncover my oversized copy of Convicted. Thanks, dudes! I've been looking for that!

Yeah, I know it was my brother Lucho who started the Archeology posts (part1, part2, part3), but to be fair, most of the digs were done in OUR mom's basement, so in a way, they are my posts, too. Anyway, last time I was there I dug through old Metal Hammer magazines and Blue Grape backpatches to find a small box of tapes. Let me share some of my finds...



Ordered off some local rag in the late 80's in Toledo, Ohio, this was the very first demo tape we ever owned. Undertaker were a terrible thrashy band with horrible production, a terrible cover and a song called "Sesame Street Mosh". What a treasure!



I've talked about Impetigo a lot on past posts. They are still one of my top 10 favorite bands of all times. I was SO amped when I got this in the mail from Mark! He told me he took the tape to practice specially to get it signed for me. I'm not sure if that was true or not, but I was the KING of the metal scene that day and this tape was my crown. A really lame, lame crown.



This find goes back to the 80's. I hope you find this as funny as I do. Back in the day, in South America, it was hard to get original tapes, so dubbed tapes were the norm. This guy in my class, Eduardo, went to Miami for the summer and brought back a bunch of metal tapes. Of course, I dubbed them all, walked to a near by pharmacy and photocopied all the covers. One of the tapes he brought back the summer of 1988 was Maiden's "Seventh Son." Not sure why I felt the need to use color pencils and a black ball-point in a sad attempt at make the cover look "real", but I'm glad I did. I was 13, what an idiot!



There's plenty more junk where these came from, so stay tuned and watch out for the next "Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal" post!