Sunday, October 12, 2008

SPECIAL SUNDAY EDITION: Gorgoroth's Gaahl comes out of the closet—puts Rob Halford to shame


You read the headline right. The Skeletor-faced Gorgoroth singer has come out of the closet, and boy has he done so in style! Not content with merely coming out of the closet by letting people know his sexual orientation, he has basically done so while wearing one of Liberacce's capes, singing showtunes and practicing dance routines from A Chorus Line. Not since this (not work safe) picture of Profanatica have the worlds of black metal and homosexuality blended so effortlessly. How black metal fans around the world will react to the news remains to be seen, and will be interesting to see, since black metalers have not exactly been the most open bunch to such things. Didn't a dude in some band go to jail for attacking a gay man in the 90s? (Sadly, yes. It was this douche.)


So, here are the details. It has been reported that Gaahl and his man, modeling agent Dan DeVero, are working on a fashion line that will debut in 2009. So, not only is Gaahl gay, he's also a fashion designer, and he appears to be into twinks who wear fur.


All of this is being reported by Blabbermouth, though the Gorgoroth sites (there's two bands with the same name right now remember?) make no mention of it. Could it be? It certainly makes for good conversation. Anyway, the fashion line that the two will launch is called Wynjo, which according to Gaahl is

an ancient Norse word meaning happiness, or to be more precise, the search for happiness. Perfection. I have always been preoccupied with aesthetics and what is beautiful.


Ancient Norse? Way to butch up the fact that you're designing women's clothing. Nice. In response to the news, Dani Filth commented:


I don't care if he sleeps with men. But the fact is, it's not just a man — it's a fashion designer, and they're making women's summer dresses together. I mean, it just could not get funnier, could it? Here's this guy [Gaahl] who lives on a mountain — he's the most evil guy in the world, right?
The news certainly explains Gaahl's anger (have you see that VBS documentary?), I mean, can you imagine being a closeted gay man in, living rural Norway, singing for a black metal band? You'd be angry too! Good for him for coming out, maybe he'll be a happier guy, and maybe he'll go to jail for torturing people a bit less now. As I see it, this bit of news certainly puts the 2002 case where Gaahl went to jail for torturing a man into perspective, especially when you take into account that part of the torture included the man's testicles (according to information revealed in the VBS documentary.)

When news about Rob Halford being gay came out some years back, everyone began to see song names like Hell Bent For Leather and album titles like Ram It Down very differently, as well as Rob's entire style of dress. So, was Gaahl sending out similar signs that all of us should have noticed? Let's take a closer look.



THE SIGNS

Wearing a fancy belt over a nice top? An unusual, but tasteful choice. TLC's What Not To Wear folks would certainly approve.




This image has been on the Gorgoroth site for some time now. He must like it rough.




Having lots of naked dudes on stage should have been a giveaway to all of us, but notice how he tried to make it hetero by having some girls crucified as well. Inconclusive, but we should have known.



Perhaps the most powerful signs that Gaahl was sending out came via his song titles. I leave you with these Gorgoroth song titles so you can think about them for a bit. See you Monday.

Teeth Grinding
Unchain My Heart
When Love Rages In My Wild Heart

and the best, and now most amazing Gorgoroth song title ever?

Blood Stains the Circle.

43 comments:

  1. I guess being hetero is a very Christian and conformist thing to do. Butt-fuck for Satan!

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  2. Wow,I was trying to think of a witty comment, but all I can come up with so far is "BWAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

    I'm not homophobic at all,but Gaahl? Really? The humor for me comes from the homophobic kvlt fans who will have to come to terms with it.

    Only the stupidest mouth breathers were surprised with Halford, but this is going to really scramble some kids. I find it even funnier that Gaahl will bleed you the fuck out if you mess with him, so he'll probably flaunt it openly now and make a lot of black metal kids really uncomfortable.

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  3. perhaps all of black metal will change as a result and homosexuality will become a necessary part of the lifestyle. it shall become Black Metal 2.0, the new and improved black metal. i can't wait.

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  4. Dear Gaahl,
    Does Black Metal make one look slimmer? How should I accessorize this Samhain season?

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  5. This doesn't make Gorgoroth any better. Not worse either but they could use the help.

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  6. Ah.... because Blabbermouth is always a source of truth, huh?

    I find it funny that almost every metal site has accepted this little tabloid without the slightest thread of skepticism.

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  7. has blabbermouth had issues with truth? i honestly wouldn't know. i only found out that the site even existed not long ago, and even less ago found out that it was run by Borivoj of Metal Maniacs fame. Metal Inquisition prides itself on absolutely truthful reporting...wait, what am I saying. No we don't. I just thought it was a good opportunity to pick out some funny Gorgoroth song names.

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  8. oh and regarding skepticism, sure there should be some. that's why we took it upon ourselves to research possible signs of this being truth...did you see the way he wore that belt OVER the shirt? I deserve a Pulitzer prize just for that!

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  9. Blabbermouth is pretty much ground zero for Metal gossip, but I've never known them to put up stuff that was outright bullshit.

    Roadrunner isn't paying Krgin to get them sued. Nickelback ain't about to lose album royalties over Gaahls love of the leather doughnut.

    And even if they did exaggerate, so what? The preferred location of Gaahls penis means nothing to me, only the lolz that location creates.

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  10. hilarious and awesome. i have often thought that being gay should be a bigger part of the black metal scene. i mean, the sodomy angle is a no-brainer.... profanatica and havohej knew this almost 2 decades ago.

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  11. Is Gaahl the guy wearing the fur?

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  12. Euronymous invented fags in black metal, much like he did most other crap people thought was news in 2005. Once he started about the sodomy it took a knife to the head to stop his mouth. The silly thing is that as soon as he was properly corpsed, Varg took over the propaganda machine and went on and on about the dildo in his bedside table, etc. etc. etc.

    It's funny how Varg would use Euronymous' proposed homosexuality as a direct attack on his character, though this is the same man who in his semi-autobiographical Vargsmål defined faggotitude as an outward sign of an inside defect.

    Incidentally Blabbermouth's credibility isn't very applicable in this case, the whole thing was in Norwegian media months back, not to mention that Evil G's man interest has been known for years in these parts (and practically no one could give a fuck about it.)

    If anyone feels like getting up to date on black metal fag beatdowns, the relevant dudes who went to the big house for homocide (get it? homocide? I swear I didn't make that one up myself) were Faust of Emperor and Jon Nödtveit of Dissection.

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  13. Isn't this really old fucking news?

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  14. amazing post.

    i link the rise of black metal faggotry directly to "da vinci's code". since it turns out that that dude who's hair the always-ambiguous jesus is caressing in this pic is actually mary magdalene, the most un-christian thing to do is to be into - dudes. to spite the women-loving jesus.

    i also find it hilarious that ghaal's (gaahl's?) real name is kristian.

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  15. Kristian is Varg's real name as well. I thought that was fun as a firecracker in '93. The official name of the Norwegian "black metal scene" is Stian, however. At one point Dimmu Borgir had three dudes called Stian.

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  16. that shit will never stop being funny. it's like a nazi skinhead named reuben steinberg.

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  17. Seriously - How much tail does a band like Gorgoroth pull in the first place? Isn't being in a black metal band like on the same level of queeriosity as shirts off hardcore shows where the only chick weighs 230 pounds and sells the merch in poorly applied makeup?

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  18. with that weird fashion fruit? i find this difficult to fathom..and seemingly gossip.

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  19. Old news (nobody else went 'aha' during True Norwegian Black Metal?) but nowhere else did they analyze the fashion choices. Go Metal Inquisition!

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  20. track 5 from an album called "Ad Majorem Sathanas Gloriam" (aka "For The Greater Glory of Satan") is called ---> "White Seed" :-D.

    "UNCHAIN MY HEART!! SAY YOU LOVE ME AGAIN!!!"

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  21. white seed. damnit, i missed that one. there goes my Pulitzer prize.

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  22. "Pull it, sir!"

    That's exactly what he said.

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  23. Open your hole to the gods of the pole........pink meddle.

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  24. I think the worst part is that Dani Filth is cracking on him. How low down on the Black Metal food chain do you have to be for Dani Filth to make fun of you?

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  25. "Sign Of The Open Eye" indeed.

    The open browneye.

    I hope this inspires more guys in metal bands to come out and further confuse the fuck out of their more thickheaded fans.

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  26. snickers crunchy is my favorite snack!

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  27. Gaahl is actually hetero, the only funny thing about this whole "event" is how hard people are trying to turn it into an issue. It's not funny and no one seems to care. Next.

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  28. The only thing funnier would be if Glenn Danzig suddenly came out of the closet - putting Gaahl to shame. Can't wait to get to tell this to my homophobic bad-ass friend who adores all things black metal. His jaw will drop, allowing Gaahl to enter. This will definitely be "a hard thing to swallow." BUAHAHAHAHA.

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  29. "His jaw will drop, allowing Gaahl to enter.
    hahaha, nice

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  30. It is rather appropriate as the three albums that Gorgoroth wrote after Gaahl joined the band were the gayest things ever.

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  31. You know you're in trouble when Dani Filth is making fun of how gay you are.

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  32. Well, I have no problem with this, because Gaahl is still an immensley cool musician, but...I'm finding this really difficult to come to terms with. When my friend first showed me the news, I thought it was a joke, but nope. Its just weird, Gaahl is one the last extreme metal musician I would suspect of being gay...it is pretty fucking funny though, perhaps he's just doing it to further oppose Christianity haha?

    Well, fair play to him I guess, just so long as it doesnt interfere with the music \m/

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  33. wow , my friend left me a message last night saying (what i thought she said) Gaahl was dead.i was like really??? i wish he was dead instead of this faggot bullshit.why are fags always proud to 'come outta the closet' anyway ? what is gay pride? why is it NEWS? how come you don't hear about the Jews stealing (the land) and murdering the Palestinians?...okay so maybe a little bit off topic here but whatever ...so you take it up the ass and now you want the world to respect you?.maybe he'll go out like Freddie Mercury.

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  34. It's amusing! So now being heterosexual is conformist and christian? roflmfao CumBucket, your name says it all you fag shit! Why is everybody saying "I have nothing against gays" What are you afraid of? LOL Fucking hilarious this Fucking Faggots feeling stronger because this pitiful guy is a fag! Soon he will be singing duets together with Madonna, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, at least my niece will be very pleased, she loves Miley Cyrus.

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  35. Yes I now realize to my dissapointment that Gaahl is a cock-sucking faggot(his whole evil image is now fake,cool while it lasted but now I dont know what the hell to think,and above Bard Faust is not a douche so FUCK YOU!!!

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  36. haha.. funny to see how some black metal fans who are gay themselves (anonymous, blizzard beast) are distressed by this news. there are supportgroups you know.

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  37. Gaahl is not a fashion designer, he only helped him out financially. But I suppose homophobic infernus felaters, will have their fun bending the truth and bashing him as much as possible. Atleast Gaahl isn't a rapist.

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  38. Hi guys the work you are doing with this site is excellent,it caught my eye,I think the site is full of good and interesting notes about Gorgoroth's article is not easy to confess when someone is homosexual

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  39. "i crave the companionship and the warm embrace of a man"

    seeking the companionship of a woman and her warm embrace is also pussy. The true Satanist stands alone

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