Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Metal Inquisition Mailbag Vol 1

I finally checked the Metal Inquisition email account for the first time in weeks, if not months, and saw that we had actually received quite a bit of mail. Although most of was retarded crap, we appreciate that you spent the time to get in touch, so we will try to address it here. There is a lot, so I will just answer a few pieces of mail at a time, starting now. If we didn't get to your email this time, and you're disappointed, you should kill yourself immediately. But we will get to it next time, and keep writing!

Grill Em All
Ryan writes:
hows it going man? My name is Ryan and im the dude w/ the grill em all tattoo! ha, im glad you posted that on yer site, my friends and i are fans, so that made my fucking day! Anyways, i play in a metal band here in los angeles called Sumerian Axe, you may or may not be into it, but i figured i'd shoot you the link either way.


The Inquisitors respond:
I'm pretty sure I met Ryan like 10 years ago or something in Ohio, but I could be wrong. If so, his child-like grammar and spelling make me think that he has suffered severe head trauma since then. Anyway, if you're into beard metal, check his band out. I listened to it for a second or two, then shut it off and turned on 311.

Get Thrashed
Hey im a poser so i wont waste your time, (but who isn't a poser by your standards?). Anyways i have watched a documentary called "Get Thrashed" about 5 times since it came out a month ago, Since the best part of my day is reading your blog, i think it would be a great post if you guys did a review of this doc, and provide us with some answers to what the hell is going on in this masterpiece. If you haven't heard of it check it out, acquire it, and i promise it will contain an unlimited amount of hilarious post material. Some questions i would like answered after watching the movie....


1. Can you locate the actual scumbag trailer park Bobby Blitz is doing his interview from and, put a logical guess to how many meth dealers are within a 10 mile radius.....mine is 1,000

2. Dave Mustane hates Beef Stew....why?

3. How many posers did Gene Hoglan actually kill?

Whatever, I'm drunk and i think this would be cool, I love your blog, fuck you.

The Inquisitors respond:
I watched the "metal vs. hardcore" clip and confirmed that this movie is like every other music documentary: 90% old, washed up douchebags telling story after long-winded story about exaggerated versions of things that happened 20 years ago (see also, "American Hardcore").
I'm sure to them the stories are super interesting and incredibly shocking, but to the rest of us they're about as exciting as your uncle's fish stories. Basically, the thrash version of Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days," only not nearly as good.

Retard, Morlock, or Eastern Euro? You be the judge.

Eastern Europeans: The real-life Morlocks?
Ian Spermgrinder writes:

Forgive me if you're already aware of the phenomenon of Krabathor, a band from the Czech Republic whose lyrical content would make that of the early 90s British band Cancer seem highly intellectual.
Usually when a band uses english as a second language, there's a gradual learning curve and they end up getting it more right than wrong. Not Krabathor. Each release continues to defy the listener's/reader's ears/eyes with the pure nonsensical ramblilngs that is usually the exclusive purview of Japanese Wigger Slam bands. Check em out.

The Inquisitors respond:
I have heard Krabathor, but I didn't know that they were such an Engrish factory! I hopped on their MySpace and checked them, with hilarious results:
I'm irritate appearance
In the eyes is death and revenge
In my face is grisly anger
Task is O.K. - killing the brain! <-- This was my favorite!

Don't control my wrath
In the veins is poison
Killing for my virtue
Slowly let out poisonous blood


Every have own mistakes
I've defect in brain
Now we are in a row living
I'll kill, piece by piece

I'm loyal for death
I see only hopeless
People are the fuckers <-- Also a classic!!
Therefore kill, kill, kill!


I kill the innocents,
But among they are the offenders
Death even so is just
I kill the others, don't will better
Thanks for the tip!

Do the Dew
Brian shares the following inspirational image. Keep it fuckin' sick, bro!! Guttural slamming brutality crew, Pepsi chapter!!

No frills metal humor
Mark is a man of few words, and write the following concise note:
I enjoy your blog, so here are some more photos to make fun of.

The Inquisitors respond:
Sure enough, there are some doozies in here!

For being so grim and necro, he looks remarkably relaxed, even pleasant. I'm trying to figure out what's going on with his flooring: is that weird carpet, or crappy linoleum tile that's coming up at the edges? Either way, I would take a look at it before it gets worse. If there's water damage, you want to catch that as soon as possible!

And here he is out of costume. It's not a bad little back yard, although with houses on either side, I think it might end up being a little too shady and cool for my tastes. You would really only get sun back there at high noon. It seems like it would be an ideal place to grow something that thrives in shade, though, like bluebells or maybe something in the nightshade family. I love bluebells, they're so pretty! Also, the shiny red ball.

Oh come on, you're not even trying!! Back in my day, we at least got in the car and stood in front of the scariest building in town instead of just crudely photoshopping ourselves in front of something off of Google images. And what kind of a name is "Restless"? That's like using "Mildly Annoyed" or "Uncomfortable" as your black metal name!

Until next time... keep the emails coming!


  1. that Restless guy better watch out, those huge bullets are going to land on his head. he looks like he might be a euro of some kind...in which case he should have taken advantage of the ONE thing that makes europe rad: the fact that you can still find bombed out buildings to pose in front of! that's why black metal bands from europe will always be better than american bands. the best that an american band can do is pose in front of a Baskin Robbins ice cream shop in Long Island that closed down two summers before, and has some grass growing in front of it. not very evil.

    why is that necro dude posing in his back yard wearing tiny oakleys'? they sell adult versions of those glasses too you know?

  2. Hilarious site!
    While browsing the post i spotted some photo which made me think of some old mexican band. Where you in Toxodeth who released a cd on wild rags records? A little bit crappy music with some great solo's

    ha ha good old days!

  3. Toxodeth! one of the finest releases on Wild Rags. their attempt at long-winded prog death-ish metal was so boring that even members of Benediction fell asleep listening to it. great record.

  4. So what are the scariest buildings in your town?

  5. yanks can always find a nice civil-war ruin to pose in front of.

    regarding toxodeth: sometimes stupid details get stuck in my head. that's how i remember lucho's name being rick (probably short for "richard", as listed in the encyclopaedia metallum entry). but that entry features a pic with the same three kids as the one from skullkrusher's "are you a poser?" post (which i remember, as it filled my heart with nostalgia) - which he says shows him and his friends. but EM doesn't list two dudes with the same last name as being in the pic. which means either there's no krusher in the pic, or lucho's name isn't rick, or there's something else amiss here.

    and in revealing this mystery, i've just revealed myself as a total nerd.

  6. as far as i know, there's no civil war ruins in the states. some battle sites, sure...but they were using muskets and crap like that in the middle of empty fields. nothing like good bombs or anything that would harm a building. as such, no ruins. i guess you could go pose in the construction site at the twin towers though. that would be pretty metal...and when you're there you can go to Century 21 to buy discounted Armani Exchange shirts.

    regarding the pictures...holy crap, you are some sort of inspector gadget! are you suggesting that my brother and i were in toxodeth? i will neither confirm or deny this accusation. i say "accusation" because so many would argue that toxodeth sucked balls. i will just leave it like this: my brother and i (like the other M.I. contributors) have had a long and winding road in the world of metal. let's just leave it at that.

  7. there are civil war "ruins" to be found, but they're not very impressive. if you go to maryland, virginia, etc, you can find rickety old shacks and stuff from that era, and there are plenty of forts and so forth. but they are not very grim or necro and would not make a lot of sense for black metal photos... but that makes me think of a new genre: confederate black metal! it's like NSBM but for american rednecks instead of crazy eastern euros.

  8. i was being sarcastic about the ruins.

    as for toxodeth: haven't heard 'em, but it's alright, lucho, you were young. juvenile blemishes don't count. we all have them. i "rapped" in a "rapcore" "band" featuring a casio and two-string acoustic bass, for fuck's sake. that demo still exists somewhere, with pics.

    sometimes, when people look at me on the street, i wonder if they recognize me as "MC pricele$$".

  9. chris, i am 100% certain they do! i get the same feeling when people stare at me, i can tell they are thinking, "that's the guy from DISENGORGMENTIFICATION, isn't it?!"

  10. My 5th grade history teacher used to play pantera and metallica after class while I hung out in his class shooting robed cultist with flage guns in Blood on PC

    He is basically the guy that got me into metal, and I was looking for him online to ask him how hes been, then one of the search results led me to encyclopedia Metallium, where I find out he was in a thrash band called erotikill haha.

    I used to wonder why he never mentioned this, but now looking back at I can see why.

  11. at least he wasn't in mordred.

    my english teacher in high school gave me a 1st pressing of MDC - Millions of Dead Cops, that was pretty cool.

  12. ah fuck, lucho must has been in toxodeth; i may have even traded stuff with him; at least wrote them a letter; i was at the time; in a really crappy band 'cauteror' or maybe you remember a death/doom band 'soulwound' anyways as i said good old days!!!

  13. 'at least he wasn't in mordred' hahahahahahah

  14. " Toxodeth's beginnings can be traced back to 1982 where Raul Guzman aspired to be "Mexico's first guitar hero". "

  15. I think ol' Restless's moniker is most likely a direct reference to "restless leg syndrome" ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Restless_legs_syndrome ) . I am betting he is a long term sufferer of RLS. As a drummer, that is a most terrible curse. He might not even be able to go outside anymore... hence the photoshopped background image.

    Also, I wanted to say I think making fun of german black metal on this blog is a cop out. Its too played out - at this point its like sampling George W Bush or something. Stick to the cutting edge research on newly developing subtrends within metal - such as 1-Man Myspace Ambient Wigger Slam, Bump 'n' Grindcore, and Miami Booty Metal.

  16. making fun of german black metal on this blog is a cop out. Its too played out - at this point its like sampling George W Bush or something

    i'm totally with you, which is why you won't see us do it very often. blame our idiot readers for sending in those pictures, not us!

  17. I don´t know if you´ve noticed, but the the backyard old tymer satanist and the "Pee Wee Herman gone black metal" kid and are related: they´re father and son, and they´re the black metal family of the woman of this profile: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=377681046

    What a happy family. I wonder if they have an anti-chistmas every december.

  18. Some copy and paste error in my comment. I´m latino trash.

  19. from your name, it sounds like you're actually lusitanian trash?

  20. Lusitanian? Well, portuguese are latinos too, as latin is the main lingustic root of portuguese, spanish, italian and romanian.

    Brazilians like myself tend to call themselves latinos ´cause we´re in Latin America too.

    But I don´t know it it qualifies us as latinos as north-americans use expression. You also have chinese and dutch speakers in Suriname, and French speakers in Haiti.

    Would all of us from central and south america be latinos? Well, I guess so, as we are all in Latin America.

  21. He's got a point there: that's the guy's son, pretty much annoyed to pose for his father "rad" myspace page.
    The kid's probably into the Jonas Brothers, but his kraut daddy is tryin' to convert him to the black metal horde!

  22. i dunno, i never thought of brazilians as latinos. yes, they are chronically late and very sexually aggressive towards women, but that's just not enough in my book, you know? then again, everything i know about brazil is through vale tudo and sepultura so it's probably safe to say i have a skewed perception!

  23. just to set some things straight... the picture on top and in the middle do NOT show the same person. After reading the post i got curious and checked the myspace profile. it is of a german woman aged 34 (..and still keeping the black metal real...go figure...)called "lucifera"and the picture on top shows her son ond the one in the middle her fiancee. judging from the pic of the son, he must be about 12-14 years old. so she is one of those daft cows that got knocked up with 20 and then left by the father. the son looks like he is thinking "mum, pleeaaase...don¨t embarass me like that".what is also funny is that they are from one of the most conservative areas of germany. hence the nicely groomed backyard. there, you can be a satanic black metaller, but please only after you took precautions for the future and have a place to grow old in. this also explains why the fiancee looks like a primary school teacher or librarian or something similarly evil. satanism is ok, but only in your free time. of course in a job like this, long hair is a no-go. what fucking idiots.
    the profile also contains a nice collection of pencil drawings of satan himself, molesting the poor old messiah in a variety of ways. looks like the work of bored 15year olds in a particularly interesting school lesson. as i said, this woman is 34.

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