As though we needed further proof that metal is either dead or on life support, today I received news of a disaster of grand proportions. What am I talking about you ask? I'm talking about the 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise. Proving to everyone that metal is an aging art form (okay maybe calling it an "art form" is a stretch), as are its practitioners and fans. Featuring such hot metal acts as Sodom, Amon Amarth, Raven and Trouble, the cruise is being described as such:
Imagine starting the year in style. In January 2011, 40 Heavy Metal bands and 2,000 fans will go to the Caribbean to take over the luxury cruise ship "Majesty of the Seas" for a 5 day and 4 night trip of a lifetime.
Make no mistake, this is not one of the cruises where you share the ship with regular cruise guests... This is 100% Heavy Metal! Tons of onboard live shows on several in and outdoor stages, open mic nights, bars that never close, a fun-and-sun-filled day on the beautiful island of Cozumel
Can you imagine being stuck on a ship full of fat, aging metal fans? Notice that the ship will be going to Cozumel, Mexico. So I think you can expect that members of Mexican thrash trio Toxodeth will be working as short order cooks. Can you imagine the quality of the performances that will take place on the "open mic nights"? Perhaps members of Raven will do their latest slam poetry...who knows, perhaps members of Sodom will showcase their new hilarious ventriloquist act, which features a masked puppet modeled after their numerous album covers.
Look, I don't fault these guys for trying to cash in just a bit. I don't fault them for trying to get a free vacation, particularly when their idiototic fans are willing to play along. Why not? I do, however, reserve the right to shake my head in disbelief in a manner that would have made an 11 year old version of me proud. A godamned cruise? Seriously? Metal bands aren't even supposed to be exposed to sunlight (much like Gremlins)...aside from that one time that Kreator showed off their sweet beach bods. There was also the seldom-talked about incident that Mayhem fans refer to as the "belly shirt we shall not speak of".
Yes, perhaps I'm in denial. Perhaps I'd like to keep the world as I saw it in earlier times. Metal seemed cool to me when I was young due in great part to its mystique. It was dark, unknown and potentially dangerous. I was 11 then...so perhaps it's time I just grow the hell up, sign up and go on the cruise with my old lady. Who knows, I may even enjoy Raven's poetry slam.