As though we needed further proof that metal is either dead or on life support, today I received news of a disaster of grand proportions. What am I talking about you ask? I'm talking about the 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise. Proving to everyone that metal is an aging art form (okay maybe calling it an "art form" is a stretch), as are its practitioners and fans. Featuring such hot metal acts as Sodom, Amon Amarth, Raven and Trouble, the cruise is being described as such:
Imagine starting the year in style. In January 2011, 40 Heavy Metal bands and 2,000 fans will go to the Caribbean to take over the luxury cruise ship "Majesty of the Seas" for a 5 day and 4 night trip of a lifetime.
Make no mistake, this is not one of the cruises where you share the ship with regular cruise guests... This is 100% Heavy Metal! Tons of onboard live shows on several in and outdoor stages, open mic nights, bars that never close, a fun-and-sun-filled day on the beautiful island of Cozumel
Can you imagine being stuck on a ship full of fat, aging metal fans? Notice that the ship will be going to Cozumel, Mexico. So I think you can expect that members of Mexican thrash trio Toxodeth will be working as short order cooks. Can you imagine the quality of the performances that will take place on the "open mic nights"? Perhaps members of Raven will do their latest slam poetry...who knows, perhaps members of Sodom will showcase their new hilarious ventriloquist act, which features a masked puppet modeled after their numerous album covers.
Look, I don't fault these guys for trying to cash in just a bit. I don't fault them for trying to get a free vacation, particularly when their idiototic fans are willing to play along. Why not? I do, however, reserve the right to shake my head in disbelief in a manner that would have made an 11 year old version of me proud. A godamned cruise? Seriously? Metal bands aren't even supposed to be exposed to sunlight (much like Gremlins)...aside from that one time that Kreator showed off their sweet beach bods. There was also the seldom-talked about incident that Mayhem fans refer to as the "belly shirt we shall not speak of".
Yes, perhaps I'm in denial. Perhaps I'd like to keep the world as I saw it in earlier times. Metal seemed cool to me when I was young due in great part to its mystique. It was dark, unknown and potentially dangerous. I was 11 then...so perhaps it's time I just grow the hell up, sign up and go on the cruise with my old lady. Who knows, I may even enjoy Raven's poetry slam.
Aaahh, the Inquisition deathship sails on. Nice to see you.
ReplyDeleteWhacko from Raven is actually very articulate and perceptive. I met him backstage on his Masters of Victorian Verse lecture junket. He has pretty original takes on Byron and Coleridge.
The Gallagher brothers can't read or write, so they'll probably eat cigarette butts, snort Ajax and do other tour bus cabaret in that vein.
HATEBREED FUCKING SUCK BALLS!
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine (whos friends with one of the witchburner guys' brother) told me bout this whole thing, and I am not sure how to think about it. One the one hand, I like the idea, on the other hand, the whole event is so pricy, that only old farts (like the bands playing) can even afford the trip.
ReplyDeleteEuronymous' homo shirt is modeled after Quorthon's equally gay homo shirt of yore. See it here: http://screambloggore.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/quorthon_feu.jpg
ReplyDeleteI like how if you look closely at that photo, it looks like Euronymous is also wearing lycra leggings. No one ever talks about that. Sometimes I too wear that exact same outfit (bullet belt included although mine is silver because everyone knows that true black metallers only wear black, a tiny amount of white (usually limited to logos on band shirts) and silver, especially on spikes).
ReplyDeleteAlso notice the one missing bullet tip. No wonder Varg killed him. He's gotten it all wrong.
they do this sweden every year on the stockholm-helsinki cruise, its called the "close-up boat" as its sponsored by close-up magazine
ReplyDeleteit fucking rules and i have no doubt this will rule too
What I like especially about that Quorthon pic is the necklace made of gnawed chicken bones. I wonder if he wore it more than one time...however, since black metallers are into all kinds of evil/sinister/disgusting stuff, maybe the smell of week-old chicken bones was appreciated (as a means to be more grim). Oh yeah, in case you wondered: I do think that BLACK METAL FUCKING SUCKS BALLS!
ReplyDeletei'd rather wait for the new Motley Cruise ) http://www.myspace.com/motleycruise ), at least there'd be some chicks! (notwithstanding the age and/or quality :-D)
ReplyDeleteHaving read that I now imagine that the worst job in the world would be cleaning the toilets on that ship.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt at the end of the cruise the resulting beach bonfire from incinerating all the towels and bedding could probably be seen from space.
But now that Lost is nearly at an end maybe they could replace it with a new series about The Metal Cruise disappearing into the Bermuda triangle and make it a musical drama.
Bafta in the bag.
Oh and of I always figured Euronymous was caught short out in the woods and tore off the bottom of his shirt to use as toilet paper.
ReplyDeleteLook at his face, that’s a man struggling with bowel problems I tells yeh. All that evil gave him a nervous tummy.
i'm gonna try to go to this. that is all.
ReplyDeleteWhat's Euronymous selling? I think I see Disharmonic Orchestra's Expositionsprophylaxe, Pungent Stench's Been Caught Buttering, Autopsy's Mental Funeral, Atrocity's Hallucinations and Broken Hope's Bowels Of Repugnace What's the upper right hand album? Is that Malevolent Creation's Ten Commandments?
ReplyDeleteA Caribbean-Metal-Cruise sounds like a Florida retirement with death metal shirts. Old School for Old People!.
ReplyDeleteI heard about a similar cruise in the Mediterranean Sea. it will be plenty of drunk british old people with Saxon patches.
Looks like its time for Anthrax to break out the Hawaiian shorts again!
ReplyDeleteVamos a la playa!
Actually in Sweden we have (as already said) the Close-Up Magazine cruise once a year. And even Sweden Rock Magazine have a cruise of their own. And they're highly popular, and not filled with "fat old metal dudes". It's all beer, metal and party for 24h. Tons of fun you could say...
ReplyDeletei think Frost stoled those pants Euronymous was wearing in this picture and wore em on the "Nemesis Divina" album photos
ReplyDeleteEuro had a GODFLESH poster behind him ! Not so very grim and frostbitten !
ReplyDeletewhat? so going on a cruise with bands playing and drinking and partying is supposed to be stupid or something??
ReplyDeletei musta missed the boat on that one,sounds like a good time to me
Which balls are Hatebreed sucking-
ReplyDeleteyour's or the ones slamming against them from behind?
I don't even go to shows anymore, I hate all these sweaty metalheadz burping and swearing all the time...
ReplyDeleteNot paying $666 to see Sodom on a boat. For that much I could just book them to play my house.
ReplyDeleteAlso, why I am the only one who noticed this, there way too many nancy boy euro bands to get more than 80 americans on that boat. They better book a Pantera cover band or something with similar levels or this won't happen.
I guess they're hoping Amon Amarth will bring in enough teens+parents to support this thing.
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ReplyDelete* $915
ReplyDelete*levels of manliness
This is going to rule!
ReplyDeleteThe metal inquisition bus hit a patch of black ice in Sweden about six months ago. It appears Lucho drew the fatal ace of spades - lucky you, Sarge! As for the other dudes, they always sucked.
ReplyDeleteMI for the past 6 months = the Black Album, SWYH = Load and ReLoad, Cycling Inquisition = whatever the fuck else Lars and Jaymz have shit out since 199? - I don't give a toot about any of it, but can't help but take a peek just cuz I grew up on it.
Bummer that the MI idea well has run dry - Sarge and Looch gave it a hell of a run. The internet's no fun anymore, dammit.
with all the things to talk about right now... the big four touring, scott ian talking crap, dave mustaine firing lomenzo only to get efelsson back in the line up etc. glorious times to write a lot of stuff and just nothing happens. just few "ha-ha black metal" post and loads of hatebreed. too bad :/
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you just close the site?
ReplyDeleteYeah, there aren't any new young bands in the metal world. Right... (rolls eyes) Listen to more unsigned stuff. Plenty of young bands creating new (and sometimes original) music
ReplyDeleteseems like they would need tons of belly shirts too, they're way too evil and comfy for the cruise.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like 70 000 tons is trying to copy the concept of the quite successful Scandinavian cruises - a mate of mine from NZ is flying over for it, but I'm a bit skeptical. Seems like too many "nancy boy euro bands" on the bill, for sure. It's not like anyone in Europe's thinking "You know what? I know we've got all these awesome bands playing just down the road, and some great cruises around the baltic with all the Aquaveit we can drink, but I'd REALLY like to cruise to Mexico with some drunk ass yanks mocking me about my accent."
ReplyDeleteGreat, after reading this I will definitely be going !!!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you feel. I only found out about this today, and it just confirms what I've felt about metal for the last five years - it has become just another lifestyle choice defined by patterns of consumption, no different from other modes of consumption built from a narrative designed to target that specific demographic. How sad... Metalheads have become just another target demographic for capitalism to exploit. At least they get to have fun and get drunk right? And maybe the bands playing will be able to fill their coffers in these hard times. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay attention to one of my metalhead friends giving me shit about me not listening to "true" metal anymore...
ReplyDeleteThis new metal cruise is awesome!!! I'm a girl and I love metal and vacations. They just need to have Slayer and Danzig on the cruise! It would be so awesome! I can't wait to see the line up for 2013! I will be going on that cruise!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're a great writer, truly know how to put the words in such a way that makes me very interested in reading more.
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ReplyDeleteI love this post
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