Tuesday, December 7, 2010
It seems like Mother Russia’s people have a little too much time on their hands. It is bad enough that these all look kind of like women with bushy eyebrows, but to immortalize the members of W.A.S.P. on wooden nesting dolls just reeks of idle hands.
One can only hope that Will Rahmer will soon be immortalized as some sort of Precious Moments figurine.
Sadly, there is only one set to be had. Go get it now. As a goof, or course.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
If you're not fully depressed by the end of the Lemmy video, perhaps seeing Fenriz's living quarters will do the trick.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Today i was feeling very nostalgic about 80's punk/hardcore and crossover, so I went to YouTube and fished out a few gems. Hope you enjoy and have a happy Halloween.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Not all Metal Inquisition readers are fans of yours truly (#understatements), but if you are interested in reading more of my work, I've been writing pretty consistently for the good folks at Metal Sucks. They let me write whatever I want and their site is much bigger than Metal Inquisition ever was, so it is a nice arrangement-- also, they're full time bloggers now (no 'real jobs'), so they deserve your support.
Here are a couple of recent favorites:
Just say no to piracy [via Victory Records and Gilbert Gottfried]
How r u spending the 30th anniversary of Coywboys From Hell??
Album of the day: DOWNSET edition
What is ur favorite classic nu-metal band???
Interview: Kottonmouth Kings are punker than you
Thanks to anybody who has read/commented on Metal Inquisition, and hope to see you on Metal Sucks! Also, don't forget to follow me on Twitter!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
There are a number of ways I was discovering new music at the time which helped me learn about a lot of great bands. Word of mouth, concerts, geeking out over the ‘Thank You’ credits of my favorite records (or even just the shirts the band was wearing in their group photo), the occasional mixtape, etc. One exciting way I discovered some new bands was through record label samplers and compilations. In a short tape or CD you had a high ratio of new bands you never heard of to a low amount of time spent discovering them. It was great.
One label that really gave me a me a shot in the arm via samplers and label compilations was Relapse Records, specifically in their mid to late 90s period. Through their free samplers I discovered Brutal Truth, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Nile, Amorphis and a variety of others over the years. I got the chance to ask Relapse founder and head honcho Matt Jacobson some questions about their comps and samplers to explore this important aspect of metal-dom.
M.I. So, Relapse has quite a few compilations, both free samplers and the inexpensive label compilations, name at least a couple that are your favs. I know, I know, it's like choosing between which of your kids is your favorite, blah... but seriously, pick a couple and explain their significance to you.
Matt: You are right, it is tough to pick... but my two favorites off-hand are ‘Corporate Death’ and the very first ‘Contaminated’. ‘Corporate Death’ was our first comp and it was packed with killer music from Macabre and Mortician to Disrupt and Incantation. Most of all though, the art, text and over all package just made me laugh. We rented suits and took a bunch of pictures inside our CD pressing plant that had a narrative about the Relapse multi-death corporation! The front cover has a skyscraper with a Relapse logo on top. The funniest thing about it all is that a lot of people seemed to think that we were really some giant corporation... but really we were barely more then kids working out of the basement of a house! The first ‘Contaminated’ was just at a great time... lots of shit happing with Relapse and our bands in that era. That comp kicked off the series of comps of the same name. Plus, the overall package was something we were really happy with. It had a great cover, a mini Relapse discography inside and a fold out poster that featured beautiful photography / artwork of my friends wife naked in rope bondage with a gas mask on (editor's note: said artist is Relapse regular, and general awesome dude Paul Romano). Good stuff!
M.I. Did any bands ever take issue with either being on the samplers or the choice of song used? I mean, Mortician for example, you might as well just roll the dice for their selection of songs, they're all so similar, but I'd imagine some artists are a little more picky...?
Matt: I am sure that happened with a track selection here and there but I can’t recall any examples off hand.
M.I. Personally I got into a lot of Relapse bands from your comps, specifically 'Spectrum Fest' (which came out late ‘96/early ’97) and the early '99 sampler "Solid: Strip Mining the Underground..." - What can you remember about each of them?
Matt: There was ‘Spectrum Fest’ and ‘Spectrum Ale’ samplers... both had killer artwork and were full of great stuff. We even brewed a super limited edition promotional micro brew beer around that campaign. ‘Solid…’, I remember that one being a challenge in that prior to that one the concept and themes for each sampler just came together without even trying. With ‘Solid…’ (tracklisting) it felt like we struggled to put it all together and I was concerned that it was a bit forced... but when it was all said and done it turned out great and most importantly it was filled with killer music that people responded to.
M.I. Assuming customer acquisition is priority #1 of label samplers/compilations, what other functions would you say these music collections helped to provide for Relapse?
Matt: I think our samplers also served to shape and convey our identity. Relapse historically has had broader/weirder scope then most other labels in our space and our samplers really did give people the chance to “sample” our music and learn about the range of things we were releasing.
M.I. Relapse definitely has a more broad/weird scope, and to tie in with the previous question, that's exactly one of the great things I liked about the 'Spectrum Fest' sampler. Specifically Trial of the Bow jumped out at me: what are they up to these days? They seemed to have faded into obscurity...
Matt: Trial of the Bow was fantastic. I am not sure if you know, but before Trial of the Bow the members were 1/2 of Disembowelment. I think they went on to the teaching profession, design and music I believe.
M.I. In the spirit of Metal Inquisition, that is exposing many of metal's moment's of hilarity (whether intentional or accidental - mainly the latter) can you share a funny or otherwise unbelievably true moment in relation to any of Relapse's past compilations?
Matt: We put out a free label sampler with cover art that looked like the Slayer logo, but instead of saying “Slayer” it said “Relapse”. It was meant to be both a homage and a parody. Not everyone saw it the way we intended. Not long after we started giving out the sampler we got a cease and desist letter from a law firm and also an angry phone call from someone representing the band. Nearly yelling, the person said, “Slayer has built this franchise and Slayer intends to protect it’s franchise in the same manor in which Coca-cola or Disney would protect theirs”. I thought, “That is pretty metal!” We were forced/intimidated into destroying all of the remaining CDs.
M.I. With the digital age progressing further, and labels doing more digital download samplers I have a feeling that actual CD samplers might eventually end up on the dusty shelf next to tape trading and other metal nostalgia. Your thoughts?
Matt: I have to agree. Everything changes. I’ll keep the CD sampler next to my laser discs!
I'm curious what others favorite Relapse samplers may be? Or how about any other metal label samplers in general?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
From the humble world of small-amp metal, today we take you to the the heights of big-amp metal. In the image above a long-rumored fact about metal is exposed...no, I'm not talking about the fact Tom Araya is a christian, or that Crisco runs through Kerry King's veins... but rather that bands like Immortal don't really own that many Marshall stacks. Makes sense, since they go through the PA system, and black metal is all about appearances anyway...but it's still funny. I wonder if the second bass drum even has a pedal attached to it.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thanks to reader Omair for sending this in.
Monday, June 7, 2010
via All Hail The Black Market
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It was just before my 12th birthday when I had enough money saved that I could buy my first home stereo (not a cheap portable one, I mean a REAL DEAL stereo) – I was pumped. Fortunately, I had enough money saved that there was enough dough left over to buy a couple albums also. I bought Pearl Jam’s debut record and (deep breath/admission of guilt…) the ‘Wayne’s World’ soundtrack…
I know, I know… but come on. I was 12 at the time. I saw Black Sabbath, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queen, Jimi Hendrix were on the soundtrack and that was enough for me at the time. Not very metal in hindsight, but we all gotta earn our wings along the way. What I realized looking back is that I have owned more than a few embarrassing metal soundtracks. Seriously, WHY are so many soundtracks that cater to metal-loving audiences missing the mark?! (Even more back in the day I would say) Sure some got close to being good, but often times the movie was so stupid it often tainted the songs it seemed to promote. In that vein, please take a stroll with me down memory lane:
About a year later I scored the ‘Last Action Hero’ soundtrack. The movie boarders on ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ level of laughability, but at the time it was your standard-issue Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick safe for younger viewers. However, the soundtrack gave me a shot in the arm of more metal (Megadeth, Anthrax, Alice In Chains and others), the Megadeth song in particular was the one to hook me. I also thought the Fishbone track was pretty heavy and I had never heard of them at the time so it was cool discovering new bands through soundtracks. In hindsight, I can appreciate how the movie actually played a good number of the songs on the soundtrack throughout the movie, but there’s always a “stain” of cheesiness thanks to the movie being less than cool to most self-respecting metalheads.
It was roughly a year afterwards when a movie came out called ‘Airheads’, I’m sure most of you have heard of. With a cast of Steve Buscemi, Brenden Fraiser, and Adam Sandler as a power trio metal band I expected a bit more from this flick. It wasn’t necessarily terrible, but it’s still considered a bit of a blemish on those actors track records. However, you put unreleased songs from Prong, White Zombie and Anthrax on the soundtrack and – you guessed it – I bought it. Unfortunately the rest of the soundtrack, with a couple exceptions, is pretty shitty. Bonus points though for band’s name in the movie: The Lone Rangers (makes me think of the band Two Lone Swordsmen) – pluralizing a singular object = thumbs up.
About six months later I picked up the 'Demon Knight' soundtrack. Of the four soundtracks listed here, I’d say this one is the clear winner. Featuring songs from Machine Head, Pantera, Ministry, Sepultura, Biohazard, and the Melvins you bet your ass I was blaring this thing like only a 14 year old would. I honestly can’t even really remember the movie’s plot, it was a ‘Tales From The Crypt’ movie so I’m sure it was pretty much ‘by the numbers’ but hey, I dug the shock and awe that came with the action and horror. The soundtrack also had an awesome song by Gravediggaz. For starters, they rap about horror themes – amazing! Secondly, with as little hip-hop/rap diet in my system at the time, this one song made me feel like I was instantly deep in the street (this street happened to be in the suburbs in Washington state) – again, 14 year old mentality here. So all in all, this soundtrack didn’t burnout like the others, in fact, I’d say it’s pretty rad. But, and this is a big “but” here, it also had the Filter song “Hey Man, Nice Shot”. The reason this offense is so grievous is purely contextual. You see, from this time onwards for many years, hell, I even STILL hear it used, this song has been the staple for any and damn near ALL action scenes for clichéd Hollywood action movie trailers. Seriously, stop and think about it for just a few seconds: how many movies have you seen where either in the movie itself or in the trailer you hear that bassline from the beginning of the song (rather ominous, eh?) and then the angry, loud chorus riding shotgun to explosions, gun shots and fight scenes. IT DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY. This song is sooooo over-used and greatly lowers the average of metal's influence to the world (you KNOW more random strangers would recognize this song over a typical Metallica or Pantera song through simple repetition alone) - point is: metal doesn't need Filter, arguably not even a proper metal band, to represent our stereotypes. I bet the band is getting royalty checks like you wouldn’t believe for how many times clips of this song get played (runner-up would be White Zombie’s ‘More Human Than Human’ – especially in the mid-late 90s). I’m pinning it’s prolificacy on this soundtrack because of two main reasons, A) It’s used blatantly and obviously in the intro credits, and B) It was the first place this song actually appeared. It preceded its official release by at least a few months on this soundtrack. That’s right, the first domino was tipped over HERE on the ‘Demon Knight’ soundtrack… “Thanks”, now we’re all sick of this song and instantly are left with a sour taste in our mouth for any movie daring to beat this dead horse.
Are there any good, older metal soundtracks out there that deliver the goods?
What early to mid 90s soundtracks am I forgetting here? Help me out… I’m going for just the cheesy ones, but hell, even if you can name good ones, it’s all about nostalgia. Part II is already in the pipline, and be warned, it dips its toe into the nu-metal pool.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Rather than just shotgun blast some of the downright hilarious covers out there, I wanted to address those particular pieces of album artwork that really added an extra “x-factor” of “WTF?!” via sexual innuendo, homo-erotic latency, and just plain bad “quality control” with regard to a band’s message.
For starters: Impaled Nazarene, despite having been around since the early 90s, have always been mediocre at best (let’s just be honest). While I can’t blame their artwork for their towing of the line for many years, I’m sure it hasn’t helped - I mean, take a look at 2003’s ‘All That You Fear’. From the first time I ever saw this album art I wondered, “Why would an extreme metal band disgrace the pentagram on the cover with a bunch of severed penises strewn about on it?” I honestly thought it was their attempt at going all “next level” with regard to blasphemy by having rotting penises on their album cover. I thought this for years. Until one day, I actually saw this record up close and took a real good look at it; turns out those are maggots/larvae on the front. Okay, so they’re not penises like I thought, but if the maggots on your album art look JUST like penises that I go literally years without a second thought, is it my bad eyesight at fault or your shitty album art at fault here? I know I can’t be the only one that at least did a double take.
Following right along in a similar example is Kaamos, good ‘ol Swedish death metal with some of that Sunlight Studios sound that I enjoy. However, with their album ‘Lucifer Rising’ I was perplexed to see an otherwise pretty bad-ass looking devil shoving some severed dicks in his mouth. I mean, I knew the devil didn’t give a fuck, but this was surprising. Truthfully, this one isn’t as bad as Impaled Nazarene’s, and I discovered shortly after that it was actually naked bodies he was shoving in his mouth, but for the first few times I saw this cover it made me think of the devil getting down with Saddam Hussein from the South Park movie.
This next one requires some imagination, but it’s great for two reasons: 1) It bags on a Christian band (which is like the consolation prize in my book), and 2) It’s based on a true story. So, take a look at this album art from the band Zao. This is a good example how quality control can save your ass and a load (pun to follow shortly) of embarrassment. The ORIGINAL cover for this album (here's where you use your imagination) had a lot more of the white drips from the top of the head and off the Zao logo (you can see a couple white drips around the ‘Z’ and the ‘A’). So increase the amount of white drips, but also make the tie this character is wearing about one-and-a-half to twice as big as you see here and you have… that’s right, a dick that just blew its load all over this person’s face (as a bonus: is this person on the cover male or female?). Naturally, with a lot of album art, this went through revisions till the official version you see here, but still, imagine what could have been…
Gorgoroth – ‘Ad Majorem Sathanas Gloriam’ I can’t be the first person to look at this cover retro-actively with a profound sense of homo-eroticism, can I? It’s like everyone’s reaction when Rob Halford came out, and there was that sense of “ah-ha!” due to all of the writing on the wall (leather/bondage outfits, lyrics, etc.). I love this record, and at the time (as with I think the majority of fans out there) didn’t know Gaahl was gay – I don’t care if he’s gay or straight and I’ll probably follow his other projects he’s in, but in my third grade style of humor when I see this album cover now, with the two men on the front, I think two things: 1) Foreshadowing (like with Halford), and 2) That looks like a monster hickey is being given.
Alright, let’s do a quick lightning round, since I don’t want to take up too much of your time:
Blood Bath – ‘The Fathomless Mastery’ I’m sure the album title plays into the explanation of the scenario on this album cover, but I don’t know what it’s referencing, and let’s just play with open cards here: your album art features 98% naked, old, emaciated men, wearing just loincloths and writhing around each other.
Darkane – ‘Layers of Lies’ You might see a sci-fi themed album cover juxtaposing the abstract relationship of man, the universe and multi-dimensionality. I see a man, wearing leopard print tights, bound with rope, having the universe take a piss in his mouth.
Belphegor – ‘Bondage Goat Zombie’ Here’s a good example of how “less is more” for metal album covers. There gets to be so many layers it’s distracting, you lose your focus/message and in addition to confusing your fans, it just doesn’t look good. Case in point: I shouldn’t have to try and reason with myself if this album art is gross because it’s a male or female goat wearing thigh-high stockings and a garter belt, it’s just gross either way.
In case I get a good helping of flack, let me just say, as I mentioned above, I enjoy these bands, and yes, I'm sure there's a "you see what you want to see" type of joke/comment to follow... But, in any event, can you think of any others to add to the above list?
Monday, March 29, 2010
What is your favorite once-good European metal magazine named after an overrated grindcore band?? If you answered Metal Hammer, that was my first thought as well, but our good friends at Terrorizer also publish a magazine that used to be good. In a desperate attempt to survive in te dying print publishing business, they are releasing a "Secret History of Death Metal" special issue or something like that. For some reason, we wanted to know more, so we hit up deputy editor James Hoare (lol, what a last name). Thanks to James, and be sure to head over to Terrorizer's site and pick one of these things up!
In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Terrorizer currently owns 50% of Metal Inquisition (the other 50% is held by a variety of business entities including Century Media and Red Flag Media).
It is my understanding that you are trying to drum up interest/pre-orders for Terrorizer's new "Secret History of Death Metal" special issue or something. Please give us more information on your product and/or service.
“This really is shameless and if it’s any consolation, I feel like a whore. Terrorizer’s Secret History Of… Death Metal is an absolute beast of a one-off, prestige issue that as far as humanly possible makes the best stab at documenting the story of death metal, across the world and across the various subgenres. I’ve got me some mad loves for Albert Mudrian’s ‘Choosing Death’ [check out our interview with him here] and Daniel Ekeroth’s ‘Swedish Death Metal’, and it’s a testament to this bad boy’s journalistic prowess that when I read some of the features on more over-covered topics (Florida, Sweden etc), I wasn’t bored in the slightest. Get this down you, it’s not boring.
What *is* the secret history of death metal?? In your answer, please explain how the following bands fit in: Jungle Rot, Benediction, Mortification, Malevolent Creation, and Vengeance Rising.
The theme here is charmingly mediocre death metal, of which I have a strange, yet completely arbitrary, tolerance of. For example, I’d take a bullet for Benediction and I talk about Jungle Rot a surprisingly amount, but I think Mortification are a sad and joyless Geocities homepage of a band. You’ll be delighted to learn that a surprising volume of dull and derivative c-list bands are involved, because their perspective on the genre and its story is usually a lot more interesting than Morbid Angel’s – there’s a whole section on the Netherlands and if that doesn’t scream mediocrity (one half-way interesting Pestilence album aside) than nothing does.
The secret history of death metal probably, definitely involves Nazi U-Boats hollowing out the Earth’s core to win the trust of the lizard people.
I have not seen this issue, but I assume there is a chapter on wigger slam. What are the contents of this chapter? What is your personal opinion on slam metal?
The UK tends to be a lot more homogenised in its trends, it’s a small country and since we stopped fighting wars to preserve our ancient right to drink tea on a pile of a far away nation’s indigenous dead, dumb kids can be relied upon to largely guzzle from the same fetid trough of bullshit. The wigger slam you’re talking about travels about as well as Christian metalcore does, so mostly the proud saplings that will one day become English oak are all rubbing one out to shriek-shriek windmilling deathcore (which was big in the States about five years ago), swaggering rocky hardcore (which was big in the States about five years ago) or Hollywood Undead (which was big in the States about five minutes ago).
The super elitist and incestuous underground UKDM scene, however, fucking love their slamz and every other band is worshipping at the jism-flecked alter of Devourment – which is ironic, given as derivatively ripping off American bands is one of the reasons why they think deathcore sucks. In conclusion, slamz are br00tz and make me shake my b00ty.
Check out Ingested, they're possibly the closest thing we have to proper US-style New Era cap wigger slam and ran the whole gauntlet from being a sportswear clad underground anomaly to being liked by scene kids and therefore hated by the people who liked them five minutes ago because they deigned to be successful. That's a little microcosm of scene politics right there.
Terrorizer has featured a nearly endless stream of washed up/horrible/generic black metal bands on the cover lately (much to my dismay, since I am forced to write about them). Why the sudden interest in death metal? Black metal or death metal: which is better and why?
Turgid middle-of-the-road black metal always has a slight edge over turgid middle-of-the-road death metal in that turgid middle-of-the-road black metal bands can usually be relied upon to look interesting and if good death metal bands still think standing in front of a chain-link fence in sweats is totally rad, what hope is there for the turgid middle-of-the-road ones? Satyricon especially, their current Armani model look is super krieg. The bottom line is the cover’s got to look good, otherwise nobody will buy it and read your venomous, mean-spirited column.
One of the best parts of death metal history is all the compilations like At Death's Door, Corporate Death, Grindcrusher, and Death Is Just The Beginning (see Retroview: Classic 90s generic death metal compilations for more). Which is your favorite and least favorite of these? What in God's fucking name were Relapse thinking when they greenlighted the Convulse album?? (Please choose a non-committal, boring answer to avoid offending any advertisers)
Oh wow, these things are all equal in my eyes – terrible ‘Warhammer’ supplement cover art, three good bands and eight tracks of Central European filler, or in shorthand, Morgoth. That was a simpler age wasn’t it? I think the ‘Death… Is Just The Beginning’ series were the best, because at that point Nuclear Blast had enough of a roster to do these things entirely in house and unlike Earache and Roadrunner who at least made an effort to single out the bands they thought were interesting, Nuclear Blast dropped a stick dynamite into the lake and signed whatever floated to the surface. As a result 'Death... Is Just The Beginning' is a perfect storm of bands you'd never hear from again (Napalm Death side-project Defecation, Paul Speckmann's thrash outfit Abomination, Toxic Shock), bands who went on to be a whole new kind of awful (disco-disco-techno-disco Atrocity and Hypocrisy) and bands who just continued along the same path for the next fifteen or twenty years (Dismember, Benediction, Sinister, Master, Macabre etc).
Relapse had Amorphis too didn’t they? Someone over there clearly got Moomin fever in the early ‘90s. That non-committal and boring enough for you? I was actually listening to this album a few nights ago and I genuinely cannot think of anything to say about it other than the intro sounds like 'Duke Nukem' incidental music.
Another part of death metal history I miss is PIT Magazine, which I read religiously along with Terrorizer (back when Terrorizer was still good). PIT was sweet because it looked like they made it with Microsoft Publisher and I think it was the first time I heard about bands like Dismembered Fetus, Dying Fetus, Cephalic Carnage (back when they were still good), and Internal Bleeding. On the other hand, they also wrote about Jungle Rot far too often. Do you remember PIT? What other magazines did you like back in the day?
I was reading Metal Maniacs long before I was reading Terrorizer, there was a newsagents by the train station in the shitty town where I went to university and they always had a few import titles – so I always picked up Metal Maniacs (for the billion pages of size 3 type), Alternative Press (to see what homegrown cat Aids had made its way to the US and was being rebranded as the New Wave Of XYZ) and Hardcore Ink (because at this point in my life I lived for Undying, this point in my life was very, very boring). I compulsively read everything.
You also ran a two-part "History of Metalcore" feature recently. I was thrilled to see you mention Above All and Unborn, two of my favorite 90s UK metalcore bands. From what I can tell you are more of a d-beat/grindcore kind of guy, so what is your take on metalcore? Which member of Winds of Plague would you choose to have anal with and do you think (s)he would enjoy it??
I stayed out of that whole thing because it was still a little bit too close for me, I only broke edge and eBayed my Eighteen Visions t-shirt four years ago. I even liked Eighteen Visions more then they became Stone Temple Hatebreed and the world's definitely a sadder place without them. I've sort of returned to hardcore recently through d-beat and I'm utterly surprised to discover that I still have a lot of time for some good, solid chug, which is nice because people who lose touch with their musical indescretions turn into exactly the same sort of people who beat their chests and carp on about 'deathcore faggotry'.
I saw Winds Of Plague supporting Shai Hulud the first time they were over in the UK, and then I had the misfortune to see them again, as well as Born Of Osiris, on the Summer Slaughter tour last year. I can really see no redeeming feature to this band, except for the fact that I'm not listening to them right now – they can have a flapjack for that. Symphonic deathcore has a high enough percentage of absolute wackness without them having their own Bleeding Through.”
Finally, the other day I was trying to think of metal songs about farting but couldn't come up with any. Can you think of one??
Decapitated 'Human's Dust'
Buy "The Secret History of Death Metal"
Follow James on Twitter
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"What is the best venue that you've ever seen a show at?"
While I'm tempted to talk about that one strip club in Fort Lauderdale where I saw Exhorder, or the Eagle's Ballroom in Milwaukee where I saw Testament, Overkill, Downset and Body Count all in one day...I always come back to the same answer:
The loading dock at my uncle's lumber business. The acoustics were so good there that no band ever had to use amps taller than their knees. It was also cool because you could park on stage with the band, as you'll see in the second video. Yes, it was there, at the loading dock that I saw some of the sweetest shows in metal history. Luckily, these days EVERYTHING is on YouTube. Thank god for the internets.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
As though we needed further proof that metal is either dead or on life support, today I received news of a disaster of grand proportions. What am I talking about you ask? I'm talking about the 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise. Proving to everyone that metal is an aging art form (okay maybe calling it an "art form" is a stretch), as are its practitioners and fans. Featuring such hot metal acts as Sodom, Amon Amarth, Raven and Trouble, the cruise is being described as such:
Imagine starting the year in style. In January 2011, 40 Heavy Metal bands and 2,000 fans will go to the Caribbean to take over the luxury cruise ship "Majesty of the Seas" for a 5 day and 4 night trip of a lifetime.
Make no mistake, this is not one of the cruises where you share the ship with regular cruise guests... This is 100% Heavy Metal! Tons of onboard live shows on several in and outdoor stages, open mic nights, bars that never close, a fun-and-sun-filled day on the beautiful island of Cozumel
Can you imagine being stuck on a ship full of fat, aging metal fans? Notice that the ship will be going to Cozumel, Mexico. So I think you can expect that members of Mexican thrash trio Toxodeth will be working as short order cooks. Can you imagine the quality of the performances that will take place on the "open mic nights"? Perhaps members of Raven will do their latest slam poetry...who knows, perhaps members of Sodom will showcase their new hilarious ventriloquist act, which features a masked puppet modeled after their numerous album covers.
Look, I don't fault these guys for trying to cash in just a bit. I don't fault them for trying to get a free vacation, particularly when their idiototic fans are willing to play along. Why not? I do, however, reserve the right to shake my head in disbelief in a manner that would have made an 11 year old version of me proud. A godamned cruise? Seriously? Metal bands aren't even supposed to be exposed to sunlight (much like Gremlins)...aside from that one time that Kreator showed off their sweet beach bods. There was also the seldom-talked about incident that Mayhem fans refer to as the "belly shirt we shall not speak of".
Yes, perhaps I'm in denial. Perhaps I'd like to keep the world as I saw it in earlier times. Metal seemed cool to me when I was young due in great part to its mystique. It was dark, unknown and potentially dangerous. I was 11 then...so perhaps it's time I just grow the hell up, sign up and go on the cruise with my old lady. Who knows, I may even enjoy Raven's poetry slam.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
I could try to write something more clever, but there is not much to say other than the obvious: In this video, some white trash kid plays a solo black metal show on the patio of his trailer.
At first it's just him shrieking by himself, but later in the video he attempts to get some of the half-dozen people watching to scream "I hate people." I like the idea of mandatory audience participation, but not as much as I like his undercut. All he needs is an Ugly Kid Joe baja jacket and his look is complete.
The funniest part, though, is that the song is pretty sick, at least at the beginning-- it makes me think of, say, Abruptum meets Dystopia, and you could do a lot worse than that combination. Don't get me wrong, the kid has no talent and the song falls apart very quickly, but it starts on a promising note.
But this intriguing video begs many questions: Where are the other band members? How did he force these 6 neighborhood teens to watch his performance?? What is he up to now? (I am guessing he drives a Frito-Lay delivery truck in the greater Indianapolis area) When will undercuts make a comeback????
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Not to be outdone, Fenriz posed for this picture as quickly as he could.
Thanks to John for the heads up.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
File under "When will every American Apparel store finally burn to the ground?"
Let's face it, we now live in a world where deep-v neck t-shirts reign supreme as the preferred article of clothing for men. As such, anyone who corners the market on such attire will surely control fashion and retail altogether. Enter, not the droids, but American Apparel. You know the place, the one were the effeminate dudes with mustaches work. Well, it seems they have recently caught on to this wild new musical style tearing up the charts, black metal. I believe Nicolas Cage's son may have tipped them off, to tell you the truth. What's next? Will fashion magazines use black metal as a theme for photoshoots?
Who tucks in a tshirt, especially one with printing on it? Godamn.
File under "I told you so"
Only 15 years too late, fashion magazines are picking up on black metal as a theme for photo shoots. You see, I told you so! What's perhaps saddest about all this, is that somewhere in the rural U.S. some fatso with a Craddle Of Filth shirt and bondage pants is getting all pissed off about this. "How could they exploit my beloved musical style?", said fatso asks...when in reality, he should be asking "Why do I sweat gravy?"
I myself don't care. Not only do I not care, but I'm also not going to take great pride in having known about Dark Throne back in 1991. That's a bit like bragging about how you were the one that discovered the super disgusting piece of shit in a public bathroom. We know, we know, you were the first one to find it, and point out the pieces of corn in it. Hooray for you.
File under "WTF"?
Actor Sir Christopher Lee (who played Dracula) is set to release a metal album. Lee holds the Guiness World Record for acting in the most movies with sword fights in them...so he's certainly no stranger to being rad, and being into Manowar. Mr. Dracula appears to be the British William Shatner, since he's put out numerous novelty songs and albums. You can check out some of his musical abilities here. He has also themed up with douchebags Rhapsody before. Check it:
Anyone remember the Pat Boone metal album?
Props to Mr John Prolly for the heads up on this one.