A manly playlist for blasting your quads

With Dexter Jackon getting the big upset over Jay Cutler at the Mr. Olympia last month, it seems like as good of a time as any to talk about one of the most important occasions for metal: in the gym. I might be listening to Katy Perry as I write this, but I'd like to think that my gym metal selection is up there with the best.

I have never seen a knit hat presented in a more terrifying, creepy way.

Life of Agony
There's no better cure for depression than getting in the gym and hitting the iron! Just ask Henry Rollins, he wrote 478 books about it. And when you hate yourself and you want to die, you should jam LOA on the regular. Keith Caputo is the master of wallowing in self-pity, and I don't know about you, but when I'm bummed, there's nothing I want to do more than wallow in that shit. Nothing makes me feel better than hearing Keith wail "No one understaaaaaaaaaands me!" and "I feel so out of place / No one knows me for sure." Then I get fired up when "Respect" and "Method of Groove" come on while I'm doing decline bench and I'm ready to take on the fucking world again. Basically, if there is a better band than Life of Agony on the face of the planet, I haven't heard them.

Killer jams: Method of Groove, River Runs Red, Hope, I Regret, Lost at 22, Coffee Break, Bad Seed

"El Panzon" himself. He is thinking, "Hey, is that a sandwich up there??"

Fear Factory
A few years ago, I was at the gym doing some barbell rows. I had just listened to VOD, Machine Head, Pantera, and Fear Factory. At that moment, I realized that I wasn't an ironic douchebag that listened to shitty 90s metal for a nostalgic laugh, I was just a straight-up, honest-to-god, authentic douchebag. At a certain point it's pretty hard to convince someone that you're lifting weights and listening to Danzig ironically, and that point is the moment when you race home for a protein shake while air-drumming to Fear Factory. That said, it is pretty ironic to work out to Fear Factory considering that Dino Cazares has a court order that prevents him from consuming less than 12,000 calories a day. I like all their albums up to and including "Obsolete," although it is fair to say that "Demanufacture" represents the perfect balance of death metal and industrial flair.

Killer jams: Body Hammer, Self Bias Resistor, Sangre De Ninos

It can't have been easy to have long, blonde hair and a Brett Michaels headband in late 80s/early 90s Brooklyn, but Evan Seinfeld refused to conform!!

Biohazard
Let's face it, at least 90% of the reason that people like us lift weights is to compensate for feelings of inadequacy that stem from being picked on as a kid. So it is very important that while you are pumping iron, you listen to music that will help you convince yourself that you're now a badass that can make all those jocks from high school pay!! And Biohazard is all about making you feel like a badass, right?! Before Evan Seinfeld was a porn kingpin, he was also the baddest man on the planet. For example, in the video for "Punishment," he leads a team of young men as they walk aggressively across a bridge, using wiggerish arm movements to indicate their masculinity and wilingness to engage in physical confrontations. And who can forget their legendary collabo with Onyx where they proved that idiots from every part of urban culture can work together to create awful music?

Killer jams: Punishment, Chamber Spins Three, Black and White, Tales From The Hardside, Slam

Nobody is or was more shredded than Andreas Munzer! Look at that fucking separation! Also, I am 100% sure he is listening to "I'm The Man" while he pounds out the curls.

Anthrax
Cardio is pretty much for girls and homos, but occasionally even the best of us need to do a little bit to get shredded. You've got lats that flare like the hood of an angry cobra and an outer quad sweep that casts a shadow across the entire hemisphere, but without crisp serratus to balance it out, you'll never wow the judges! That's when you need something fast to keep you amped while you're on the eliptical or doing interval training. You need some tunes that will give you the energy to make it through your brutal 6AM spinning class!! Nothing says high energy like Anthrax, at least the first couple records before they turned into the Van Haggar of thrash. They'll have you thrashing to thrash parts, moshing to the mosh parts, and losing weight while feeling great!

Killer jams: Caught In A Mosh, AIR, NFL, Spreading The Disease

What's on your gym metal playlist?
As good as my playlist is, it's not the final word on gym metal. What do you jam at the gym?