Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A manly playlist for blasting your quads

With Dexter Jackon getting the big upset over Jay Cutler at the Mr. Olympia last month, it seems like as good of a time as any to talk about one of the most important occasions for metal: in the gym. I might be listening to Katy Perry as I write this, but I'd like to think that my gym metal selection is up there with the best.

I have never seen a knit hat presented in a more terrifying, creepy way.

Life of Agony
There's no better cure for depression than getting in the gym and hitting the iron! Just ask Henry Rollins, he wrote 478 books about it. And when you hate yourself and you want to die, you should jam LOA on the regular. Keith Caputo is the master of wallowing in self-pity, and I don't know about you, but when I'm bummed, there's nothing I want to do more than wallow in that shit. Nothing makes me feel better than hearing Keith wail "No one understaaaaaaaaaands me!" and "I feel so out of place / No one knows me for sure." Then I get fired up when "Respect" and "Method of Groove" come on while I'm doing decline bench and I'm ready to take on the fucking world again. Basically, if there is a better band than Life of Agony on the face of the planet, I haven't heard them.

Killer jams: Method of Groove, River Runs Red, Hope, I Regret, Lost at 22, Coffee Break, Bad Seed

"El Panzon" himself. He is thinking, "Hey, is that a sandwich up there??"

Fear Factory
A few years ago, I was at the gym doing some barbell rows. I had just listened to VOD, Machine Head, Pantera, and Fear Factory. At that moment, I realized that I wasn't an ironic douchebag that listened to shitty 90s metal for a nostalgic laugh, I was just a straight-up, honest-to-god, authentic douchebag. At a certain point it's pretty hard to convince someone that you're lifting weights and listening to Danzig ironically, and that point is the moment when you race home for a protein shake while air-drumming to Fear Factory. That said, it is pretty ironic to work out to Fear Factory considering that Dino Cazares has a court order that prevents him from consuming less than 12,000 calories a day. I like all their albums up to and including "Obsolete," although it is fair to say that "Demanufacture" represents the perfect balance of death metal and industrial flair.

Killer jams: Body Hammer, Self Bias Resistor, Sangre De Ninos

It can't have been easy to have long, blonde hair and a Brett Michaels headband in late 80s/early 90s Brooklyn, but Evan Seinfeld refused to conform!!

Let's face it, at least 90% of the reason that people like us lift weights is to compensate for feelings of inadequacy that stem from being picked on as a kid. So it is very important that while you are pumping iron, you listen to music that will help you convince yourself that you're now a badass that can make all those jocks from high school pay!! And Biohazard is all about making you feel like a badass, right?! Before Evan Seinfeld was a porn kingpin, he was also the baddest man on the planet. For example, in the video for "Punishment," he leads a team of young men as they walk aggressively across a bridge, using wiggerish arm movements to indicate their masculinity and wilingness to engage in physical confrontations. And who can forget their legendary collabo with Onyx where they proved that idiots from every part of urban culture can work together to create awful music?

Killer jams: Punishment, Chamber Spins Three, Black and White, Tales From The Hardside, Slam

Nobody is or was more shredded than Andreas Munzer! Look at that fucking separation! Also, I am 100% sure he is listening to "I'm The Man" while he pounds out the curls.

Cardio is pretty much for girls and homos, but occasionally even the best of us need to do a little bit to get shredded. You've got lats that flare like the hood of an angry cobra and an outer quad sweep that casts a shadow across the entire hemisphere, but without crisp serratus to balance it out, you'll never wow the judges! That's when you need something fast to keep you amped while you're on the eliptical or doing interval training. You need some tunes that will give you the energy to make it through your brutal 6AM spinning class!! Nothing says high energy like Anthrax, at least the first couple records before they turned into the Van Haggar of thrash. They'll have you thrashing to thrash parts, moshing to the mosh parts, and losing weight while feeling great!

Killer jams: Caught In A Mosh, AIR, NFL, Spreading The Disease

What's on your gym metal playlist?
As good as my playlist is, it's not the final word on gym metal. What do you jam at the gym?


  1. Nothing gets me more pumped than German Power metal like Edguy or Primal Fear. I can probably lift a horse while listening to it...never tried it though.

  2. Some nyhc like merauder,bulldoze,and biohazard set the tone for weightlifting. Cardio is for homos but when you listen to Slayer, Exumer, Dewscented ... it makes you want to sweat like a maniac.

  3. terror, hatebreed, earth crisis, sepultura, machine head, biohazard, merauder when working hard...

    the first two are probably the best since all terror songs know no variety at all same bmp same pissed off reckless attitude

    sick of it all lasted for a while then I realized some stuff was too catchy and did not fit with the whole badass thing.

    municipal waste probably work better for cardio.

    I was wondering if anybody had a favourite post workout playlist?

    the one to chill out on the way back home, still high on dopamine and testosterone.. in my case is goddamn henry "the iron never lies" rollins (come in and burn and weight). gay innit?

    I think I should be ashamed to have written all this, it makes me feel homo, with collides again with the all badass-weightlifting-ruthless thing. but yeah, gyms are some of the gayest things in the world so no wonder..

  4. I religiously blast Earth Crisis' Gomorrah's season ends and Integrity's Systems overload. Another flawless winner is the first Cro-mags record.

  5. in my high school weight lifting class it was all about agnostic front "live at cbgbs". It was not till years later that I noticed that Mirets man tits jiggle more than a bowl of jello. I listen to slayer while ridding my bike, and also while getting dental work done,since it helps drown out the sound. My friend in Austria is a semi pro body builder, he teaches spin classes for Vienna's housewives,and makes them listen to slayer biohazard and infest

  6. when i listen to cold world, cro mags, or e-town concrete i feel like i could pound out a thousand push-ups.

    i mostly listen to minimal techno (basic channel, pan sonic) or dance music (madonna, daft punk) when i run. i find that something with a steady, pounding beat works best.

  7. Unleashed, Maiden, Saxon, Sodom, Behemoth, Belphegor, Zyklon, Impaled Nazarene, Decapitated, and Vader make the regular rotation on my workouts.

  8. Pretty sure Hatebreed "Perseverance" was designed for medium distance running. Everything is at a runnable pace, lyrics about never giving up, staying strong, and fighting. It's like having Rainier Wolfcastle shout motivational slogans at you with mosh riffs.
    Cretin is also great for weights, abs, and considering gender reassignment surgery.
    When hitting the heavy bag? Gotta go with Agoraphobic Nosebleed.

    Mix it up with more tough guy hardcore and metalcore and you'll be ripped in no time!

  9. gyms are homoerotic and stinky. real men work out at home and prance in front of the mirror for as long as they like. and don't have to inhale the odor of anyone's perineum.

    hardcore gives you ugly buff. i blast mash out posse, bionic jive, maybe even some ETC, for that suave club buff.

  10. Last week I listened to Fatal (us-mi) while doing cardio and Unorthodox (swe). I think I'll try them again, they worked for me. They keep my heart rate lower than when I don't listen to anything and just think about how boring to be at the gym is and check on the screen every 2 seconds. Anyway, Fatal and Unorthodox are good to be listened in any occasion.

  11. since i brought up riding my bike...i should tell everyone one that few weeks back i was doing a 40+ mile ride and i had to fart really badly. i got in a great aerodynamic position, farted and pretended my fart was a rocket that suddenly made me go way faster. it was at that point that i knew i would never grow the hell up.

    oh, regarding biohazard...that's the brooklyn bridge son! represent represent!

  12. this summer i listened to a lot of disfear in the gym. i can't really do death metal, but i second the anthrax. i've gone entire workout months listening to nothing but 'the persistence of time.'

  13. how about "Darkside" by Crazy Town on repeat 100x? :-D

  14. The farting definitely works on the bike. The only problem is when you let one go, you had better be damn sure nobody is behind you (unless you are in to that kind of thing...).

    I'm too paranoid to listen to anything on the bike, but I listen to Confessor and Solstice while cooking.

  15. i only listen to music while cycling (note, "cycling" not "bicycling") if i'm in an off-the-streets situation. in the case of the farting episode, i was on a hidden, rural trail for a large portion of that ride, and it was there that i indulged in some musical pleasures. this is not as manly or as metal as "blasting quads" i know. anyway, i think you'd be crazy to listen to music in other settings...even when running in some urban surroundings you are just asking for trouble...but then again, people text message, eat and do their make up while driving. all sanctioned running events have now banned any headphone devices (ipods, radios etc) which is rought but understandable. i think there was a few cases of runners not hearing ambulances or vehicles that all of a sudden had to make their way through the crowds or something.

  16. How can Integrity AND Fury of Five not have been mentioned!? How can that even be possible!?

  17. I do cardio five days a week, so I usually have to switch it up-- these days it's either Necroticism or Gorguts' Obscura.

    Strength training needs only one soundtrack: ONLY LIVING WITNESS. Simultaneously an amazing rock, metal and hardcore band and totally underrated. You want leg presses? "Prone Mortal Form." Bicep Curls? "Slug." Rows? "No Eden." The list goes on....

    Then when I'm doing core stuff, it's all about Quicksand's Slip record.


  18. how about "Darkside" by Crazy Town on repeat 100x?

    YES. i have done this!

  19. Wow, you managed to list pretty much all the awful cretinous metal there is in one post (what little was left is in the commentspace). Don't worry though, you're covered, nobody's going to take you seriously enough to know you're kidding!

  20. I was at the rowing machine rowing away like a maniac listening to Darkthrone...until the track "Quintessence" from Panzerfaust kicked in. I have no idea what the fuck Nocturno Culto says at that point but it REALLY sounds like "It has....NO CORIANDER!! I immediately formed the mental image of him angry as hell at his local Thai restaurant. Almost had a heart attack laughing and had to give up my rowing session.

  21. I can't really get into Biohazard and Life of Agony for whatever reason, so I really only rotate between a few things while at the gym.

    Madball - Set it off (or something equally bouncy)
    Cold As Life - Demos / Born to Land Hard
    Eyehategod - (for some reason I can run forever listening to them)
    Carnivore - especially Retaliation
    Leeway - Born to Expire

  22. One more record I forgot to mention that you should check out if you haven't heard it:

    Rampage - Limit of Destruction.

    It was written for the gym.

  23. Integ's definitely a good one...but if you're really going to pummel yourself to the point of dry heaving, I got three words for ya...
    Sheer Fucking Terror.

  24. Holy shit, that Biohazard video is like a wiggerish arm movements instructional DVD. They're all there.

  25. Corrosion of Conformity - Animosity.

  26. i once read zakk wylde's fav. band to lift to was meshuggah. i can't imagine gettin into a routine of reps though, with their spastic math-metal time signature changes.

  27. I tend to do stoner metal type stuff (Cavity is good) if I'm lifting and power and/or speed metal type stuff (the other day I did Lost Horizon and Sonata Arctica) if I'm running. I find the tempos of those two genres sync up nicely with what I'm doing.

    Please note that I'm a gigantic baby, so my opinion on what to do at the gym is probably not worth listening to.

  28. Lately it's been a lot of Australian death/black metal. Destroyer 666 and such.

  29. I'm going to go ahead and advance the theory that the "Punishment" video is the verifiable origin of the "wiggerish arm movements" technique, as classified and described by M.I. There's little doubt that Biohazard were some of the very first wiggers involved with the heavy music scene. Evan Seinfeld is all about them, man! Also, if any of you have ever seen Oz, his dick puts all of ours to shame. That sucks, but at least we weren't in Biohazard.

  30. Am I the only one who is noticing the crazy cleep-eye on the hat mannequin?

  31. If youre serious about pumping iron youve got to blast some Strife. In this defiance makes me want to grab a dumbell and beat the living shit out of every instructor in the gym.


  32. I don't do gym at all. I'm thin, growing a belly.
    I can tell what kind of music I prefer while wanking, though: house music!

  33. Holy shit, that Biohazard video is like a wiggerish arm movements instructional DVD.


  34. I usually put on some Orthrelm, Unexpect, or similarly avant-garde "metal" while I'm hitting the bench, simply for the fact that I want my work-outs to be as tortuously painful as possible. I also like to hook a car battery up to scrotum occasionally.