Based on the first part of the title of this post ( Depressing trends in metal ), you probably thought that it was going to be about black metal bands wearing corsets and looking like extras in The Matrix. Perhaps you thought it was about guys at death metal shows growling as though they were auditioning to be in the band. Maybe you thought it was about Robb Flynn's disease. As you can see by the rest of the title, however, it's not.
As it turns out, none of these trends compares to the ultimate, and most depressing trend ever. Cardboard guitars. You read right my friends, cardboard guitars. Turns out, they were a crucial part of the NWOBHM scene, and luckily for us, the BBC was there to document this unbelievable moment in metal history, and the great cast of characters that surrounded it. By "unbelievable" and "great" I actually mean "pathetic" and "dry-heave inducing". It all started with a cardboard guitar being used as a prop in a contest to see who was the best headbanger. No, I'm not kidding. When you watch the video, note the guy towards the end of the clip who is all pissed off because record labels wanted to give away cardboard guitars rather than letting headbangers make their own. The outrage!
Watch, be amazed, and depressed by it all. By the way, I would pay top dollar to find out where the main guy who is interviewed in this documentary is today. The poor dope has the personality of a dead moth...so I'm sure he went on to excel in the world of business, so he's probably a C level executive at a major corporation. The strong manner in which his voice projects, and his birdlike physique are the signs of a man with an unbelievable drive and vision. Just listen to him at the end, where he decides that he's too old to learn how to play the guitar, so perhaps he's better off excelling at pretending to play a cardboard guitar. It's like he invented Guitar Hero, he was so ahead of his time!
Watching this video makes me wonder if this is how the rest of the world saw my brother and I many yeasr ago as we toiled away making our (just as depressing) plywood bass guitar. It was a 5 string bass, by the way, since we couldn't decide if we wanted a guitar or a 4 string bass. We compromised on a 5 string bass with a whammy bar.
It's that English - American cultural gap again... Obviously, he's "taking the piss".
ReplyDeletewait, are you referring to him using that phrase (which, as I understand means making fun of something) in the context having frets on your fake guitar or not?
ReplyDeleteah, the grand-daddy of all the Guitar Hero games. who would've thought years ago that in our world today prancing around w/ a fake guitar could get you an opening slot on the Motley Crue tour? oy :-P. also i noted that the cardboard guitar on the left looks a lot like the one that the security guy played in Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law" video? :-D.
ReplyDeletebtw Lucho, i bet you can sell your 5 string bass w/ a whammy bar on ebay, as long as you call it the Billy Sheehan prototype model!
I don't think this is depressing at all.
ReplyDeleteHow did this one not receive the "Things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine" tag?
ReplyDeletestealing for the iron maiden DVD? you must be running out of new material.
ReplyDeleteit's kind of amusing. what's truly depressing/annoying are those air guitar championship hipster douchebags that have popped up in recent years. death by leeching is too humane for them...
ReplyDeletewhen this was happening I was like 7 years old, I don't think mosh was invented yet, only perhaps headbanging. I can't imagine seeing that these days, but it probably made alot of sense back then to people in small towns in awe of maiden/priest. I'd leave it alone, before lincoln park/nelly fans see that and claim that it's proof that metal in general is for douchebags.
ReplyDelete"stealing from the iron maiden dvd", well...no more than when we "stole" from the Hard N' Heavy videos, headbanger's ball episodes, ebay listings, pictures from the internet etc. Also, I didn't get it from the DVD so there. Lastly, the world of metal is so idiotic that we will never run out of material. ever. everyday a new horrible band puts up a myspace page. everyday some weird guy in poland lists his collection of Impetigo shirts on eBay. our lifesource is ever lasting.
ReplyDeletewow, my brother and i also used to make fake guitars at home in the early 80's. strange that half a world away, so other pasty out of shape guys were doing the same thing.
ReplyDeleteremember that krokus video where they play the weird cardboard guitars? but i guess that is what you do in the future/past/other world that this video inhabits.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPJND0fl0-A
Yes but perhaps stick to metal related themes to which you have some sort of vested interest in (or stuff that is in contrast to that, like the inhale scream thing) and not things you just seem to misunderstand on purpose to get a cheap laugh. These people are humble and perfectly aware of how silly what they're doing was, 20 years ago.
ReplyDeleteCheap laugh... maybe. Completely fucking awesome...definitely. Those guys completely shred those cardboard guitars without the slightest hint of self-consciousness or awareness that what they are doing might be perceived as silly. That alone is worth admiration. There are a lot of contemporary metal bands that could stand to learn a lot about stage presence from those dudes.
ReplyDeletei've taken notes and created a "best practices" white paper that will be distributed to all other M.I. staffers. By the way, I refuse to be deep or to have to offer insight. Funny is funny. This is the word of our lord.
ReplyDeleteAmen.
All I get from this is 'dude has a goofy face'. I mean, if this is enough for a laugh for someone here, alright!
ReplyDeletebrian posehn?
ReplyDeleteI agree with helm all the way. This just doesn't sit right, there has to be a line somewhere. Yes, it's amusing but it just seems to illustrate how nothing's sacred to some people with ferocious illusions of grandeur. Who hasn't seen this clip anyway?
ReplyDeleteI could swear that I saw Janick Gers playing a cardboard guitar during the last Maiden tour. As if it would matter.
ReplyDeleteMy retarded guitar story: When I was about 6 years old I had this "Woolco" brand acoustic guitar that made me feel like I was fucking rockstar. I clearly remember spraying about half a can of hairspray in the hole of the guitar and then flicking the lighter that I stole from my Dad simply because I wanted flames shooting out of my guitar while I was playing it. At the time, it didn't occur to me that my hand would be in the area that the flames would be bursting from so....I ended up with some pretty serious burns on my picking hand and getting into a TON of shit from parents. Good times!
ReplyDeletewho knew there was a line, and that this was it. wow.
ReplyDeletei think all kids who grow up metal have a thing with fire. i remember my brother and i drawing a pentagram on the garage floor with lighter fluid, putting a match to it...and watching it burn up in awe. as i see it, those moments were the absolute essence of metal. pure unadulterated, metal. oh...how i miss those days.
Lucho--I've had moments like that. No matter how ridiculous they were, though, I didn't want them to stop. That's what's missing in the world of metal today. It's a parody of itself and now even fans like us steal the soul of those moments. Maybe it's "maturity" or whatever, but the farther we've gotten away from being amazed by the burning pentagram (figuratively speaking), the farther we've gotten away from what it truly means to be metal. That's not to say we still can't laugh at those things. Every time we laugh, though, I can hear a metalhead die, somewhere in the world.
ReplyDeletethe comments get more and more random on here with each passing day!they are really startin' to stray from the topic!
ReplyDeleteactually that dude in the interview first reminded me of early tomas lindberg..the frontman from at the gates..or like a mama's boy version.
In my opinion those were the best times for Metal and the Rock scene in London (England). Sadly I came over too late (1993)when the scene was already rotting slowly. (Bad luck)
ReplyDeleteNHWOBHM is still the greatest metal scene - this cardboard axe trend is just one of the minor bumps in the road.
ReplyDeleteIt's supposed to look like a guitar, but it's not supposed to look like a REAL guitar.
ReplyDeletethat fire pentagram story is amazing. mallcorekidsdie's knickers are gonna twist, but i once drew one with ketchup on my hairless teen chest at a metal sausage party. pictures were taken and still exist somewhere. if my boss ever sees them due to some blackmail, i'll be forced to make my car payments like some of the MI regulars.
ReplyDeletestill, i was never as half as metal as you guys. today even less. that's why i love these little off-topic vignettes.
oh, yeah: and i once made a "bass" from a regular acoustic guitar we'd found scrapped. it had only two strings, but it was enough for the intro of "bullet in the head" by RATM. and most of their other songs, for that matter.
ReplyDeleteI honestly prefer using my old tennis racquet...
ReplyDeletei think the hairspray+lighter inside the acoustic guitar story definitely takes the cake!
ReplyDeleteWell, isn't the name of the blog "Metal INQUISITION"?
ReplyDeleteSo, that's enough to send the cardboard guitars to the guillotine!
I love the fact that a tremolo is acceptable but frets are not!?! But of course that would just be taking the piss.
ReplyDeleteI could swear that I saw Janick Gers playing a cardboard guitar during the last Maiden tour. As if it would matter.
ReplyDeleteFucking hilarious... and true!
boy, Janick is really phoning it in. is his guitar even on? he's twirling it around all over the place while the two other guys (dave and whats his name) do all the heavy lifting.
ReplyDeleteAdrian...
ReplyDeleteyeah, adrian smith. that's the guy. i always remember dave murray because i asked for an autograph many years ago and he blew me off by saying he wasn't dave murray. it must have been another tall guy with frizzy hair, a face like a pumpkin, backstage passes, ripped up maiden shirt and wrestling boots...a guy that looked exactly and was wearing the same thing as dave murray did on stage with maiden five minutes after. i was crushed.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of Judas Priest (whose videos where the only place I had ever seen a cardboard guitar, until now), that master of the cardboard axe being interviewed is in Priest's video for "Living After Midnight" putting his skills to good use.
ReplyDeleteThose were the days.