Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Looking for a gift for that special douchebag in your life? Have you considered a miniature version of Max Cavalera's guitar?

I don't know about you, but with the holiday season right around the corner, I'm already thinking about gifts I can get for my family and friends. It's with that mindset that I would like to share with you one of my shopping secrets, a gift that is sure to please everyone on your list...naughty or nice! What's my gift of choice year after year? Miniature guitars!

Here we see Max Cavalera saying "Come on! Bring it on! I dare you not to fall in love with a tiny replica of my awesome guitar.

Miniature guitars are just like real guitars. They are better in many ways, hand crafted and airbrushed one at a time. The main difference you ask? It's minimal. The main difference is that they are 10" inches tall (25.4 cm), and you can't play them at all. But you see, with replica mini guitars available from the likes of Max Cavalera, Kerry King, Tom Araya, James Hetfield, and Dimebag could you not want to collect them all?

Another unbelievable Cavalera model. Sorry folks, available in four-string model only.

What's cool about these very, very small instruments is that upon receiving one as a gift, you can call your friends on christmas afternoon and tell them "Dude! My brother totally bought me Max Cavalera's four string BC Rich Warlock". Your friend would get all excited as soon as he heard the news, and race to your house, only to find you sitting there with a worthless, tiny guitar that is roughly the size of a remote control next to you. You'd feel bad about the fact that he drove through the snow to come over, but in all didn't lie to him. Your brother did get you the coveted Cavalera four-stringer. It's like telling your friends that you just bought a "sweet, red convertible...come check it out!" And when they get to your house, this is what find in your driveway:

Technically it's a red convertible, sure. But who are you kidding? Anyway, let's take a closer look at some of the newest offerings that are now available in the amazing world of tiny guitars.

Unbelievable replica of Kane Robert's signature geetar. Just look at that detail! You can almost play it. Almost. Sadly, its only 10" long, has no real strings, pickups or wiring of any kind. So, you're kinda' out of luck on that one. Oh, and I should tell you that it also doesn't work as a machine gun...but you can probably use it to stir your mom's hot chocolate or something. So that's pretty cool.

Pantera was known for having a monstrous (albeit compressed), crunchy guitar sound, as well as having a drummer with minimal skills...skills so minimal that even Peter Criss went "Damn! are you serious?" Vinnie's skills were and still are as diminutive as the size of this here mini axe. Feel free to use this tiny guitar to spread Crisco on Vinnie's serving of fried chicken...should you ever meet him.

If you're building a western-themed dollhouse for your niece right now, consider this little James Hetfield axe as an addition to any of the rooms. Either that, or let your niece use it as a popsicle stick for any of her craft projects. You know that annoying thing that some people do if you are complaining about something, where they rub their fingers together and say "What's this? It's the worlds smallest violin"...well, now they can do that, but with a tiny guitar.

The only thing smaller than Kerry King's sense of shame is this mini guitar.

Does your niece have a Ken doll in her Barbie collection who looks highly pretentious and like he might have a taste for unecessarily complicated music that sounds like complete garbage? Why not get him this John Petrucci 7-stringer?

Would you like to see more? Perhaps a Tom Araya bass, or a Mathias Jabs (Scorpions) guitar? Look here for many more, but don't delay. The holiday hustle and bustle is just around the corner!


  1. how about a Karen Crisis pocket pussy, with a lifelike backdoor entry? hey, she has the same hairstyle as max......(reGAY marlie dreds)

  2. Can something really be gay if it's on a chick and not of lesbian persuasian?

  3. oh man those are the best of the worst gift ideas ever... thanks for sharing.

  4. shit, i wish i still have this action figure from when i was 10 ( ), that Kane Roberts guitar would look so cool. i'd definitely play him attacking an army of Vietcong while playing the solo of "Does Anybody Really Fall In Love Anymore?"!

  5. I really dislike Pantera (I don't go to the gym with them like you guys after all) but it should be said that whereas Vinnie's drumming wasn't heavy on innovation and imagination at least the dude was tight. Quite unlike a short danish dude we all know. So there's bad drumming and there's serviceable drumming.

  6. How about a model car kit of Mike Browning's Corvette? That would be an instant success!

  7. true, vinnie was at least on time...unlike Lars' patented "sack of potatoes down the steps" sound.

    i'm going to look into the mike browning model...that would be sweet!

  8. man, kane roberts was jacked, especially by 80s standards. deca/dbol stack?

    a Karen Crisis pocket pussy

  9. I'm surprised KISS hasn't capitolized on this market already. Metallica's all over it though.
    I'm waiting for the Rick Nielson (Cheap Trick) double-neck 10" guitar. Oh yeah.

  10. ooooh...a steve vai heart shaped one, or the nitro quad-guitar. that would be sweet.

  11. Warning-do not purchase the Metallica mini-guitars. They tend to break very easily. You see, that batch of plastic was mixed very poorly.

  12. i just noticed something, max calavera has his brazilian flag guitar...dino from fear factory has his mexican flag this a new trend? where are the rest? columbia? nicaragua? aren't there some other shitty latino metal guitarists that can represent their respective countries? where was it that you are from of lucho metales? you might need to get your own mini-flag axe. what about the rest of the world? no alex lifeson mableleaf? course the only guitarist i know of representing the u.s.a. is ted nugent (or was that a confederate flag guitar he used to sport?)

  13. i think all american axe-grinders should represent with the stars and stripes. straight up. also, evan seinfeld should have the israeli flag on his bass.

  14. Due to an overwhelming lack of interest, the Superjoint Ritual mini-guitars are no longer available.