The Worst Album Covers of 2008

I don't know about the whole world, but this cover is certainly setting my brain on fire. What an eyesore. I know a lot of people hate Dave Mustaine, but how can you not respect the guy? Even after being kicked out Metallica and crying in Some Kind of Monster he will not give up. He just keeps on toiling in obscurity hoping that someday his shitty, second tier thrash band will get their due and he will become a hero to millions and everyone will know that he riffs faster than everyone else. Dave Mustaine is the embodiement of the American dream. One that shattered into a million pieces decades ago.


Yeah, I get it. The drummer and guitarists are SO good! It doesn't matter that their music is boring as fuck, just listen to their skillz! The guitarists are so original and earth-shattering that their guitars have 7 strings instead of 6! That's 3 more guitar strings than Max Cavalera has on his guitar! That extra string really helps them write the SICKEST most wicked crazy squiggly wiggly guitar solos and chugga chugga riffs. And the drummer!!!! I could go on for days about how he plays the CRAZIEST time signatures!! Like I can't even figure out what's going on when I listen to him play because he's THAT CRAZY!!! Is that in 3/23 or 6/76ths???? I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT BECAUSE IT'S TOO HARD!!!! And just like how their music is beyond human comprehension so is their album cover. Is that a chubby bald dude with a little paunch meditating covered in blood? And is that THREE arms I spy??? Dude's got some pretty big areolas. And what is OBZEN??? It's like a word from outer space!


I chose to post this Origin cover, but I could just have easily posted any number of album covers by brutal death metal bands because they're all the same fucking thing. Some bullshit looking hyperstylized monster/machine hybrid. This shit is so lame and played out. It looks sterile and lifeless, which is exactly what all these bands sound like. Not brutal!


I'm a hetersexual male and I love Judas Priest. I'm all for gay rights and I think Rob Halford co-opting gay leather-daddy culture and reclaiming it for metal was a brilliant move, but is there anything sadder than an old wrinkly leather daddy? You had your time, Rob. Don't ruin your legacy by trying to make a couple extra bucks. It ain't worth it. I haven't listened to this album, but I'm sure it sucks. Spooky prophecies and a disembodied head floating in space? Where's the leather and spikes, at least?


Are you fucking kidding me?? A band really used this as their album cover? What the fuck!? I've never even heard this band, but I guarantee they're wacky thrash. The band members are probably in their early to mid 20s and wear tight jeans, hightop sneakers, and denim vests covered in band patches and pins. Well, guess what? Dark Angel called from 1986 and they want their schtick back because you are a fucking embarassment to metal. A plague that should be wiped off the face of the earth. Paul Baloff is spinning in his grave. When will it end?


Full disclosure: I really like DragonForce. Yeah, I know that makes me a huge homo and a poseur and whatever else, but I don't care. These dudes fucking shred and are so over-the-top ridiculous I can't help but love them. But even I can't condone this album cover. Somone has been watching too much Ghost in the Machine or something. This album cover might actually have worked if it was a picture of a real chick decked out from some cosplay convention.

Why does Exciter even still exist in 2008? It's like telling everyone you know that you just bought the COOLEST rotary phone ever!! Will metal dinosaurs ever learn? These clowns must be gluttons for punishment. This the dumbest album cover I've ever seen and what could have been an acceptable album title for a bunch of 20 somethings in a thrash band 20 years ago is now beyond sad coming from a bunch of washed up 40 year old accountants. This cover really is an embarassment because Exciter is responsible for some of the greatest and most unforgetable cover art in the history of thrash metal.


Sorry Glen, but Pungent Stench did it better 17 years ago. And your new album sucks. You put out a killer comback album before this that no one saw coming. You should have quit while you were ahead, but you got cocky and you thought you could it again. You were wrong.


I don't even know where to begin with this one. Everything is wrong and horrible and I'm getting physically angry just looking at this piece of shit. Who even listens to this band anymore? I guess if you're really that stupid, then you deserve this.


Is it too much to ask for even a little effort from black metal bands? A 6 year old could have made this cover in art class with a pair of scissors, some construction paper, and a glue stick. Warmasters? I sure as fuck wouldn't want this chode fighting on my side if I had to go to war.


Hahahahaha... okay, at least this one is kind of funny. Of course it still sucks, but at least I'm not filled with rage when I look at it.


A woman in a futuristic spandex suit gliding through the air with some weird shit coming out of her back. I like Alex P. Keaton's hoverboard better. I haven't listened to Soilet Green since I was in high school, but if this cover is any indication my guess is they sound like teen bop now.


Never ones to shy away from shocking imagery, Cradle of Filth have always embraced controversy. They're bound to stir up quite a controversy with this piece of shit cover. Nothing like computer generated blasphemous religious imagery. Keep on pushing the boundaries of good taste, guys.


I don't know anything about this band. I don't remember how I came across this album cover, but I thought I should include it in my list because when you name your band Wykked Wytch it's like you're inviting the entire world to make fun of you mercilessly.


We've already covered this one in detail, but no list of the worst album covers of 2008 would be complete without it. A coffin surrounded by fingerprints? I don't even care to guess anymore. At least they got Pushead to do the art for that piece of shit St. Anger.


Uhhhh... okay. Why not just go to the library and look up "concentration camps" in the Encyclopedia Britannica then photocopy whatever pictures they have and use that instead of having someone waste their time, money, and effort to pain this piece of shit.


This is another one I thought I should include because it's just so fucking dumb that I can't help but laugh when I look at it. My guess is that they were going for some real menacing underwater creature, but instead they got Jimmy the friendly octopus. Look at his little mouth in the middle, it looks like he's cracking a smile.


I'm kind of torn about this one because it could easily be the worst/best album cover of 2008. To be on the safe though I'm going to go ahead and include it on this list. I know Yngwie shreds hard, but to insinuate that he shreds SO hard that he makes his guitar neck catch fire is a bit hard to believe. Much respect for showing off the hairy chest and gold chain, but when did Yngwie start looking like Steven Segal? Dude even wears kimonos now.




This is one of those covers that makes me want to reach into my computer screen and punch it square in the fucking face. I hate everything about it, just like the Ugly Kid Joe.

Pick Your King

vs.

Looking for a gift for that special douchebag in your life? Have you considered a miniature version of Max Cavalera's guitar?

I don't know about you, but with the holiday season right around the corner, I'm already thinking about gifts I can get for my family and friends. It's with that mindset that I would like to share with you one of my shopping secrets, a gift that is sure to please everyone on your list...naughty or nice! What's my gift of choice year after year? Miniature guitars!

Here we see Max Cavalera saying "Come on! Bring it on! I dare you not to fall in love with a tiny replica of my awesome guitar.

Miniature guitars are just like real guitars. They are better in many ways, hand crafted and airbrushed one at a time. The main difference you ask? It's minimal. The main difference is that they are 10" inches tall (25.4 cm), and you can't play them at all. But you see, with replica mini guitars available from the likes of Max Cavalera, Kerry King, Tom Araya, James Hetfield, and Dimebag Darrell...how could you not want to collect them all?

Another unbelievable Cavalera model. Sorry folks, available in four-string model only.

What's cool about these very, very small instruments is that upon receiving one as a gift, you can call your friends on christmas afternoon and tell them "Dude! My brother totally bought me Max Cavalera's four string BC Rich Warlock". Your friend would get all excited as soon as he heard the news, and race to your house, only to find you sitting there with a worthless, tiny guitar that is roughly the size of a remote control next to you. You'd feel bad about the fact that he drove through the snow to come over, but in all honesty...you didn't lie to him. Your brother did get you the coveted Cavalera four-stringer. It's like telling your friends that you just bought a "sweet, red convertible...come check it out!" And when they get to your house, this is what find in your driveway:


Technically it's a red convertible, sure. But who are you kidding? Anyway, let's take a closer look at some of the newest offerings that are now available in the amazing world of tiny guitars.


Unbelievable replica of Kane Robert's signature geetar. Just look at that detail! You can almost play it. Almost. Sadly, its only 10" long, has no real strings, pickups or wiring of any kind. So, you're kinda' out of luck on that one. Oh, and I should tell you that it also doesn't work as a machine gun...but you can probably use it to stir your mom's hot chocolate or something. So that's pretty cool.




Pantera was known for having a monstrous (albeit compressed), crunchy guitar sound, as well as having a drummer with minimal skills...skills so minimal that even Peter Criss went "Damn! are you serious?" Vinnie's skills were and still are as diminutive as the size of this here mini axe. Feel free to use this tiny guitar to spread Crisco on Vinnie's serving of fried chicken...should you ever meet him.


If you're building a western-themed dollhouse for your niece right now, consider this little James Hetfield axe as an addition to any of the rooms. Either that, or let your niece use it as a popsicle stick for any of her craft projects. You know that annoying thing that some people do if you are complaining about something, where they rub their fingers together and say "What's this? It's the worlds smallest violin"...well, now they can do that, but with a tiny guitar.


The only thing smaller than Kerry King's sense of shame is this mini guitar.




Does your niece have a Ken doll in her Barbie collection who looks highly pretentious and like he might have a taste for unecessarily complicated music that sounds like complete garbage? Why not get him this John Petrucci 7-stringer?



Would you like to see more? Perhaps a Tom Araya bass, or a Mathias Jabs (Scorpions) guitar? Look here for many more, but don't delay. The holiday hustle and bustle is just around the corner!

Great moments in art history: More splendid record covers

M.A.C.E- The Evil In Good

This band were an early thrash band from my home town of Everett, Washington, often playing with other local legends like The Accused, Dumt, Date Rape, Last Gasp, and Forced Entry. This cover is an excellent example of basically everything that makes a great metal cover, or at least that's what I thought in 5th grade when this came out: exquisitely detailed renderings of people getting tortured and killed. It's OK that the proportions are all wrong and that the heads look like deflated balloons, what's important is that the guy who drew this slaved away with his 00 Rapidograph for ages, stippling like a madman.

The best tool for drawing metal covers (well, maybe 2nd only to the airbrush)

Black Sabbath - Sabotage

If I saw this cover now I would think it was a poster for some new Jack Black movie, or maybe a Saturday Night Live sketch. I understand that fashion ages quickly and poorly, but come on now... did anyone really think that red tights (with no shoes) and a leather jacket would stand the test of time? Much like the early Judas Priest videos where they wore silk, paisley robes and long, straight blond hair that would make Carly Simon jealous, it is hard to imagine what they were thinking.

Mordred - Fool's Game & Limbrionic Art - Epitome of Illusions

These records have nothing to do with each other, but I am going to lump them together under the "trippy surrealistic checkerboard" umbrella. I am not sure why, but in the 80s this was very popular, particularly among thrash bands who wanted to show that they weren't "just a thrash band" and wanted to "stretch the limits of the genre," and showed it with their "mindblowing" album covers. Perhaps it was because computers had only recently become capable of doing raytracing, with the de rigeur demonstration of the technique being a shiny sphere sitting on a checkerboard.

I think it is easy to imagine the GIF above on the cover of a thrash album. Just picture the Voivod logo above the robot's head.

Cannibal Corpse - Hammer Smashed Face

This is one of my very favorite death metal songs of all time, maybe even the best. However, I am a bit confused by the cover. This corpse is clearly already somewhat decomposed. Apparently the subject of the song attacked a rotting corpse with a hammer. This is certainly a deranged act, but in comparison to killing a person with a claw hammer like the song suggests, it really isn't that impressive. I mean, they're already dead, what's the big deal?

Aftermath - Don't Cheer Me Up

Who hasn't felt like this? You're sitting on the steps by yourself in a radioactive wasteland, bummed because your boss is a fucking jerk or whatever. And your friend, who is dying at your feet is all "Dude I know he sucks, but it could be worse. Just try to be positive." And then you're all "Fuck you man, leave me alone!! Don't try to make me feel better, I hate his fucking guts, he treats me like a fucking kid!" And your friend is like "Dude I know. Fuckin' bosses man, they're all the same." But you don't care, because you want to be mad! It feels good to be pissed off! Aftermath are pissed off!! They don't want to be cheered up! They don't need your fucking sympathy!!!

Great moments in metal photography: Hellwitch

As a young kid, I was attracted to the world of metal due in large part to the dark and mysterious aura that seemed to surround it. Record covers were evil, the music was evil, and the band members were surely evil. I was not alone in believing this, since the media fully bought into it. Looking back, I don't know how anyone could have been afraid of metal, or metal band members. The photo shoot featured in this post shows just how sad metal really is. This is the real deal my friends. This is Hellwitch, and this shoot was done recently. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I used to trade videos through the mail with Pat from Hellwitch back in the day. Pat is the long haired guy in the sleeveless bodysuit. As metal as he may look, keep in mind that Pat would write me notes that went along with the videos we traded, which were written entirely in cursive. He had impeccable penmanship. Not very metal, but a nice guy for sure. Now on to the pictures, which are so amazing that I'm surprised any camera was able to capture this much metal fury.



1. Where do you even buy gloves like this? You don't normally see a guy wearing this type of thing, just sitting back so casually bathed in the radiant Florida sun. Normally, he'd be in the woods of Norway, wearing make up. But this isn't a black metal band, so he's just very casual about it, as if saying "hey, so I have a studded leather glove. It's no big thing. Relax. Let's go to the beach"

2. Out of all the medieval weapons, the mace has always captivated the minds of metal heads. Again, his casual demeanor downplays the very metal object he's holding. This is Florida, after all, and there are other things to do and places to see...so why sweat the fact that you're chillin' on a tank holding a medieval weapon? Chill, go get a tan. Young metal kids without his pedigree would be all gung-ho about. Not this guy. He's all "step aside kids, let me show you how a real metal pro holds his medieval weapon".

3. For real, do they even sell high tops like this anymore? Maybe he stockpiled in 1989 when they stopped making them.

4. Nice N' Easy's "Deep Auburn", a favorite hair color in Florida retirement homes.
5. Throwing the horns (while wearing a glove like this) when the picture is already so metal is almost insulting. It's like a soldier spitting on the corpse of the enemy he just shot down. I mean, jesus, we get it. You're super metal, but now you're just rubbing our faces in it! You know, there is such a thing as a bad winner.

6. Tasteful case of Rob Flynn's disease. Frosted tips, sweet necklace and facial hair. The music he plays may be metal, but this guy is all about the ladies. Hence, his use of Revlon's most popular highlight/frosting kit.


7. Again, note the casual demeanor here. Yes he's holding a medieval weapon, but it ain't no thang.

8. Actually, this guy's hair is pretty rad, so I can't even make fun of it. He's wearing a Terrorizer shirt from Blue Grape merchandise too...so he's pretty much my hero.





1. Okay, someone learned how to use Photoshop or something. Let me rephrase that, someone owns Photoshop and doesn't know how to use it yet. But that has never stopped anyone in the past. Either that, or these dudes seriously own a tank and are firing it in the middle of Florida, which is probably illegal as hell. Do the authorities know about this? They may be standing on the tank very casually but a millisecond after, I think they all fell off the tank. Why? I'm no expert, but based on the footage I've seen of tanks firing, they always seem to move back about a foot due to the sheer force of whatever they are firing. So, these guys may look pretty sweet now, but quickly after this shot was taken they all ended up on the floor looking not so metal.

2. Wait, I think they do own this tank, and ARE in fact testing its capabilities. This is proof that the authorities DO know about it. Otherwise, how can you explain a full squadron of F-16s flying overhead doing surveillance?





1. I don't have anything new to say about this guy. I just wanted to point out his frosted tips again. His fashion idol is that dude from Crazytown. I also bet you anything that this is the face he makes when he bangs his 17 year old girlfriend in his mom's trailer.


2. Have you ever felt a bag of marshmallows after they melt from being out in the sun? That's probably what this feels like. But instead of a bag, the melted marshmallows are being held in place by a sleeveless bodysuit. So it's a little bit different. But not all that different.

In My Record Shelves

Opening up is hard to do. This is especially true when it comes to a man's record collection. I share these records with you not to show off (after all my collection is no longer what it once was), but to tell you the stories that go along with these records. These are not my most prized vinyl possessions, but ones that I thought would be worth sharing with our fellow readers. Here we go...


Out of all the hard rock/almost-metal compilations that were put in South America during 1988 by CBS records, this one is one of my favorites. The title translates to "heavy metal", and the fine airbrush work on those letters lets you know this record is no joke. But what about the music you ask? Not only does this album feature blazing tracks by none of the leading bands of the time, it features some of the hottest homoerotic artwork known to man. Just look at those glistening abs, those leather pants and other assorted gear that make this fine leather daddy one of the finest welders around. Not content with a simple guitar strap, this guy uses a chain to keep his flying V (Michael Schenker signature model Aria Pro?) in check. How can he play while he's wearing a godamned welding mask? If you need to ask...you'll never understand. He shreds SO hard, that sparks come out! It's also worth mentioning that the diagonal text on the left edge of the cover says "fill your head with rock", as in rock music. This tagline was a bit of a mixed message when I first bought this record. Here I was, now wearing my welding helmet like the guy on the cover, but then I have to take it off to fill it up with rocks? What? Lastly, it's worth mentioning that 220 Volt's lackluster appearance on this compilation album still doesn't take away from their earlier work in South American compilation albums, namely their track "Heavy Christmas". Haven't heard it? Go listen to it now!



Oh man, I can remember it like it was yesterday...I was hanging out with Russell and the boys from Forbidden on the side of a highway somewhere in the midwest, trying to figure out what to do next. I'd been on the road with those guys for two months, and times were rough. There was little time for fun during that tour, since nearly every moment was spent dealing with double-talking club owners, angry record label reps, or the occasional overweight female fan that Paul took a liking to. Anyway, that hot summer night we all sat around and heard the bad news from Rick (tour manager/mechanic). The van had broken down again, and this time it was serious. Apparently the intake manifold had cracked, and with it had gone the water pump. The band was broke, and had no money for the repairs. So, the only way to continue was to lighten the load. They were going to share a van with a band from Texas (whose name I can't remember to save my life) to finish up the tour. Space was going to be very tight, so I was released of my duties as a roadie. I was let go unceremoniously, with only this signed 12" single (as a thank you from the band) and $20 towards a Greyhound ticket home.

Okay, that's all a big lie. I bought this signed 12" at a local record store for $1.25.








Remember Mythic, the all girl death metal band? I barely do. I pretty much only remember them because of this record. My brother once saw them at a Cleveland Metal Fest, where they played with a casket on stage. That's about all I remember. What's important is that they were some of the pioneers of what I call "Metal Mama Jeans", which are basically like Mom Jeans (from the SNL commercial) but for metal babes. If you went to death metal shows in 1992, you saw black denim clad ladies like this everywhere, rocking their tucked-in Kreator t shirts. Just look at how insanely high these girls were able to get those pants! They are like denim sorcerers! There's enough zipper in one pair of Metal Mama Jeans for twenty sleeping bags! Man, nothing turns a man on like a cooch-pouch on a metal babe.



Unlike the Forbidden story, this one is real and thus perhaps less exciting. But it's still pretty good. My brother and I went to see Danzig in 1992, and we waited for a few hours in the cold to have this record autographed. As Eerie Von and John Christ came out of the club from sound checking, we got them to sign the record. We waited a bit longer, and were suddenly told by security that we would have to go across the street and wait over there until Glen came out. The security strategy was that as soon as Glen came out of the club's back door, we'd be allowed to approach him for autographs. But only once he came out, would we be allowed to cross the street and go toward him. I'm not sure where this unbelievably stupid security approach came from, or why on earth we followed it. I'm embarrassed even typing it out. By the way, I hope you're not imagining a mob scene with buff dudes and hot babes like you saw in the Danzig home videos. This was more like 9 teenagers shivering in the cold, holding Sharpies. So what happened was that Glenn came out, and we all rushed toward him like fat housewives on one of those shows where you run through a supermarket putting crap in the cart in order to win. While I was still standing on the other side of the street, Glenn looked strong and menacing... though a bit small. I thought this was to be expected, since I was far away from him. I mean, you can see a 747 flying over you house, and it looks about as big as a matchbox right? But you know that in reality, the thing is huge. That was not the case with Glenn. As I got closer and closer, he actually got smaller. I finally figured out that this tiny little man was indeed shorter than I was. In the spirit of full disclosure I should tell you that I am short. I'm exactly 5' 7 1/4" (I went to the doctor recently and was measured). The day Glenn Danzig signed this record, I was not done growing yet and was maybe 5' 6", if that. I remember standing next to him as he signed the record, thinking to myself "Oh my god, I'm taller than Glenn Danzig." I have proof of this, since a picture of that moment exists. In that picture I'm wearing an awful Raiders beanie (my fashion sense at the time fell somewhere between the Cavalera brothers, and the movies Blood In Blood Out and American Me), and with that awful hat on my head I'm easily three inches taller than the tiny evil-dwarf that is Danzig. I felt so good that day, not only was I taller than someone on planet earth, but that someone was Danzig.
On a closing note I should mention that Chuck never signed the record. While other members came out of the club and later from the bus, Chuck was in the bus the whole time. He refused to come out, and kept peering through the tour bus windows from time to time. Thinking back on it, I see his point. Why on earth would he want to endure stupid teenagers like me asking him to sign a record? I completely understand that now..but back then I was angry as hell.