Friday, October 31, 2008

Metal Inquisition Mailbag Vol 2: Happy Halloween!


ENTER THE DROIDS
Asa E sends us a link to an incredible interview he did with none other than Mike Browning of Nocturnus. There are some real gems in here:
How difficult was singing and drumming simultaneously, initially? Whenever singing/playing an instrument, rhythmic consistency is a given, but drums seem to be a very cardiovascularly demanding instrument.
Well I have been doing it so long it’s just kind of natural now for me, but using a headphone mic actually makes it a lot easier. Once I really get a good memorization of the lyrics to where I don’t have to think about what I am singing, then I can really get into just becoming the song instead of playing it!
Very subtle, Asa!! You coaxed him into talking about the headphone microphone without tipping him off to the fact that you were making fun of him. It's always a tough balance, and you pulled it off like a pro! I don't want to spoil it, but this is one of the best interviews I've read in ages! It touches on Metal Gear, the cover of The Key, chanting spells from the Necronomicon, and all kinds of great stuff. Asa, can't wait to see more!!

Read it here

Which crappy state sucks more?
Pat writes:
As a survivor of the tri-state area's hardcore and metal scenes, I was thinking you guys could do a post posing the question "Which is more metal, Long Island or New Jersey? Could be an epic debate.
The fact that Danzig's from Lodi, NJ may be the decider.

The Inquisitors respond: Who is really to say? Both are wretched dumps in which the resident fall into one of two categories: scary poor people or annoying middle-class/rich people who think they know everything. NJ gave us Ripping Corpse, Dim Mak, Mortal Decay, Revenant and Bloodfeast, but LI brought the world Morpheus Descends, Suffocation, Internal Bleeding, and Pyrexia.

From the Old Memes department
Constanza 76 write:
The images of pure evil that consumed my soul when i visited this website will no doubt give the M.I. staffers more than enough post material.

Are you guys ever worried that these shadow worshipers you make fun of almost daily will finally take action, unite, and assault the M.I. compound. Will seargant d and the S.O.D be enough to defeat these unholy legions.

RateMyCorpsepaint.com

The Inquisitors respond:
As we discussed in our last mailbag, making fun of corpsepaint is pretty much played out, but maybe this take on the subject will be novel enough to amuse. We leave it to you, the reader, to decide if we are guilty of the same stereotype that we seek to lampoon.*

* Ultramega giant holocaust nerd points to anyone who can identify this reference


Why is Shane Embury chasing Richard Marx?

They also invented homos
Matthew writes:
Dear Metal Inquisition,

Would like to bring to the attention of the MI the following two Greek metal bands who currently ply their craft primarily through myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/convixionband
http://www.myspace.com/strikelight
http://www.myspace.com/crucifiergreece

You will note, when perusing their profiles, the widespread use of Engrish. You will also note that it is in fact currently 1987 in sunny Greece. The intention behind the image the bands are attempting to put across is devoid of all irony.

The Inquisitors respond:
Yikes, you're not kidding about the Engrish or the time warp! Here are a couple of highlights from Crucifier:


No, it's not an outtake from a Gothic Slam photo shoot, they're Greeks. The guy on the left even has little saddlebags like every Greek woman over 28.

Sounds Like FAST AGGRESSIVE INSANE ANGRY RAMPAGEOUS VIOLENT CUTTHROATING
"FUCK YOU POSERS THRASH WILL GET YOUR HEAD!"

Now, I could spend the rest of this post making fun of these awful bands, but you can do that on your own: they're fat, ugly dipshits that can't speak English, blah blah blah. Instead, I will take advantage of our international readership and make fun of Greeks- because there is plenty to make fun of! First of all, they love complaining about pretty much anything and everything. I am really not clear on what they actually do enjoy, aside from having strong opinions and voicing them very loudly while they gesticulate aggressively. Oh, they also like to point out that Turkish coffee "is really Greek coffee." Which brings me to the other thing they like, which is explaining how awful Turks, Albanians, and Romanians are. I'm sure they are indeed awful, but it's just sort of funny in the same way as it would be funny to hear someone in a Crazy Town shirt tell you that Papa Roach is a terrible band.

WTF
Megaforce Records writes:
Mushroomhead have new DVD out Oct. 28. Can you post the new video "Save Us" link? Great for Halloween:


Best,
Zarna & Robert
Megaforce Records
212-741-8861

The Inquisitors respond:
I am only posting this because Bobby Blitz told me that Johnny Z was cool! Seriously, how can you get up in the morning and look yourself in the mirror knowing that you have to go to work and peddle Mushroomhead records?! I saw this awful band in 1996 and never in a million years did I think they would still exist in 2008- and if I did, I would certainly have used my Nocturnus time machine to destroy them!! I mean, I like a lot of shitty shit (for example, Limp Bizkit, Evanescence and Crazy Town), but even I have to draw the line somewhere, and this is where I draw it. If you need anymore favors, you're going to have to have Johnny Z call me personally!!

Hipsters would probably buy them

Rick Bell writes:
As none of you most likely know, in my spare time I'm occasionally an unsuccessful inventor. I'm the Homer Simpson variety inventor, for every halfway decent idea I've come up with there are a hundred that are really, really crappy. But I think I'm onto something here. Not since Clip-On 3-D Glasses (making 3-D movies easier on those who wear glasses, of course) have I come up with something this ingenious. The Death Metal Fanny Pack - For The Indiscriminate Metal Fan On The Go:

Nergal from Behemoth thinks they're cool! (Nergal? Wasn't that Garfield's arch nemesis in the hit comic strip Garfield?)

The Inquisitors respond:
Well done, Rick! I'm mildly amused! The only problem is, I am nearly certain that Blue Grape already made these back in the 90s. Remember how you could buy Sepultura "jams" and Sacred Reich hockey jerseys?

Until next time...
We have another 100 or so emails in the inbox, and maybe only 90% of them are press releases about Mushroomhead. What do you think? Is the mailbag entertaining, or no? Should we try to answer all of them, or only post the best ones?

22 comments:

  1. oh the greeks. they invented democracy in the 5th century and then decided to call it a day, as to say "well, that's our contribution to humanity....now you guys invent some stuff, we're spent." nothing of importance or value has happened in greece since. wait i take it back, the guy Milton who I did telemarketing with, he was greek, and he was rad. he kept a huge and detailed Excel spreadsheet of his PrOn collection.

    ReplyDelete
  2. NJ had the Old Bridge Militia.

    ReplyDelete
  3. obituary fanny packs--amazing. oddly enough, i saw some chick walk into the modeling agency next to my office wearing a studded leather jacket with a sweet obituary logo on the back.

    ReplyDelete
  4. weird, i wonder if some stylist put it on her? like when missy elliot wore that Destroy shirt or whatever on the MTV awards. the singer for All American Rejects wore a Filth shirt in the "move along" video, but i know he actually likes them.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, Lucho Metales, one might want to tread with caution. I mean, it's like the man says "thrash will get your head". Wonder if I can take out a policy against for thrash head-getters...

    ReplyDelete
  6. you're right matt. i don't want to mess with those dudes or their stretch jeans. by the way, who knew the greeks had stretch-denim technology? americans are all worried about Iran having nuclear weapons...and meanwhile, the greeks are flaunting their stretch denim right in our faces!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Even tho I would love to take credit for the Obituary Fanny pack. I must say I got that post from one of my favorite sites the-manchester-morgue. Phelpster at the morgue is the real culprit but it still is funny.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What I like best about those bands' myspace pages is that the first song in the myspace music player has 1X,000 of plays, the 2nd has an order of magnitude less etc. etc. to the point where the fifth song in strikelight's player has none! Wow. striking commentary indeed!

    ReplyDelete
  9. the mailbag is rad. keep em coming.

    mushroomhead is the perfect example of what i like to refer to as "couples metal". the guitar is "heavy" enough for the dude, but the vocals are queer enough for his girlfriend, so they both love the band.

    finally, i have got to trump the obituary fanny pack guys...is there honestly a market for a Severe Warning bib?????

    http://www.cafepress.com/hellfirediva.39550389

    ReplyDelete
  10. Those stretch denims and high-tops are really popular amongst metalheads in Athens. There are even places that claim to have stock of the first line of Nike Air Jordans. And let's not forget the pyramid-style studded belts. A night on the town of thrash "getting your head" would not be complete without these fashion essentials..

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm going to guess that the creator of that Severe Warning bib was one of the moshing youngsters at this show.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVpJkJApUgs

    If they weren't well-known outside of Cleveland, I can't believe that someone in California or even outside of America had heard of them.

    Oh, as a native Clevelander (well, it was only 45 minutes away), there are a lot of things associated with the city that embarrass me. Mushroomhead -- followed closely by the high percentage of jugallos (sp?) -- is pretty high on that list.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Holy fucking shit. A Jon Zazula reference, you guys are killing me over here. Old Bridge Militia & RnR Heaven for lyfe.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Too much stuff here...I don't know where to begin...
    First, the two greeks metalheads: the guy with the Rigor Mortis shirt looks like a random member of Kreator in 1989, the other one looks like a mix of Araya/Zetro/Schuldiner.
    Second: Lodi is actually near Milan, Italy...Glenn Danzig should be a honorary citizen of this shitty suburban town!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Where is the 14 page, pseudo-intellectual diatribe explaining why two tubby greek guys in stretchy jeans ISN'T funny?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lucho, don't make me loose all respect I have for you in one go! How much do you REALLY know about Greece and Greeks. Your comment is the very epitome (Greek word by the way)of ignorance. Western civilization is e-n-t-i-r-e-l-y based in the Greek civilization. You know man, the rest of the world is making fun out of the Americans for being so ignorant, but comments like yours just show how much this is well deserved. As for Greek bands dressing up ridiculously, so what, at least they look metal enough and play proper Metal (no matter how well or badly). I will have that over Marilyn Manson and Gwar type of bands that you guys produce in your big democratic country (with just two political parties to choose from, ha ha ha...slightly better than the good old Soviet Union or Mao's China)!

    ReplyDelete
  16. To my knowledge,at their worst and with all their obvious shortcomings, neither Soviet Russia or Maoist China ever had a widely accepted social policy of screwing children...I'm just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
  17. come on guys...no discussion on the severe warning bib?? really?? WTF!?

    ReplyDelete
  18. i've been away from the internet for a week or so...but for nerd points, was that a DESTROY reference?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Lucho m, judging by the liberal use of Engrish, I think anonymous might be a lyricist for Crucifier...

    ReplyDelete
  20. was that a DESTROY reference?

    DING DING!! we have a winner!! nicely done!

    ReplyDelete
  21. i agree that these certain apes suck, but boy, those greeks,they rule in black metal(always corpsepaint-free). nowadays death metal is mostly their game. i do not start the namedropping thing, you know what i'm talking about.

    ReplyDelete