Monday, November 3, 2008

Metal Inquisition's favorite horror movie: Death Metal Zombies

When you write for one of the leading blogs in the world, as I do, you are often asked questions by people on the street such as:

"Hey, since you write about metal, you must be an expert on really scary things...like listening to an entire Benediction album, or smelling the inside of King Diamond's top hat. Since you know so much about scary things, what is your favorite scary movie to watch around Halloween?


When I'm asked such things on the street, my first response is "Who are you? Get away from me. Let me get into my limo!"




After that, I think about it and only one answer comes to mind. Death Metal Zombies. Although halloween has just passed, there's still time to watch one of the most unbelievable pieces of horror ever put down on consumer-grade VHS tape. If you haven't seen this movie, you might be thinking to yourself that based on the name, it must be a good-ish movie, or that it's so bad, it might be good. Neither is true. The plot of the movie sounds good enough: two idiots who can't act win a tape of what is supposed to be a death metal band (when in reality its just some awful band that the guys who made the movie were friends with, I'm sure), upon listening to one song on the tape, they become zombies. That's it.

Anyway, while the movie does feature multiple bands from the Relapse Records roster (circa 1995) on the soundtrack, the movie is extremely long, the storyline moves at a glacial pace, the acting will make you cringe for such long periods of time that you'll end up with a headache, and the one girl they convinced to get topless will make you dry-heave for days. Having said that, there are just a couple of gems of awfulness hidden in the movie, amidst a sea of boring scenes that go nowhere and aren't scary or funny.

In keeping with Metal Inquisition's ongoing quest for giving our readers only the very best, I've picked out the following choice moments that are sure to delight our readers. I must warn you though, do not be fooled by thinking that the humor levels exemplified in these clips are any indication of what the rest of the movie is like. You will be very disappointed, particularly because the DVD version of this horrible movie is the unedited version. Holy mother of god! If ever there was a movie that could have used MORE editing, it would be this one.


Some of the most memorable quotes in the movie are in this first clip. Please note what might be the absolute best example ever of Metal Mama Jeans®. Note how the pants are up so high, that most of the printing in the Relapse Records t-shirt is hidden under the 16" zipper. There are way too many other great things to point out about this clip. Just watch it.








Pungent Stench reference, awful acting, and the girl uttering the term "pusswad". It's comedy gold, gold I tell you!





Again, too many things to even begin to point out. Check out yet another pair of Metal Mama Jeans®. This girl is a real seductress! Also, an Apple IIe in 1995? What the hell was he doing on that machine, playing Oregon Trail?






I don't know where to begin. Just watch.




If you're not exhausted yet after having watched those clips, I will leave you with one last bit of information. The protagonist of the film, and Ms. Metal Mama Jeans® are still an item. At least it appears that way from his Facebook picture.

16 comments:

  1. Poor man's attempt at Kelly Bundy?

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  2. True, true. I didn't think about that. Just like Richard Greco is the poor man's Johnny Depp.

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  3. This masterpiece of video-to-video horrorness is SO bad that i have never actually seen it from beginning to end. The one scene i do recall is when a zombie puts a knife on a car seat and a dude sits on it and his butt bleeds all over his jeans. looks like his pissing himself! those death metal zombies are such jokesters!

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  4. That was the worst thing ever.

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  5. So awesome in so many ways. I love how one of the three black people they got to star in the film is an obvious roid freak, yet shrieks like a third grade girl when the zombies show up. I also like how all the ten-star reviews on IMDB order you to buy the superior 10th anniversary edition. Reviews written by the film's makers? Unpossible!

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  6. hellbeast...man you know the film well! you'are absolutely right. i thought it was cool that the roid dude is wearing a Luke Skywalker Records shirt. kinda weird. I too found those reviews that said it was a "must have" a bit odd...because i've you've ever seen it...well, let's just say you'd feel stupid for even downloading it for free.

    lastly, i have to say i'm saddened by the lack of love that this post got. i honestly was sitting on these clips waiting to unleash them some day, expecting great appreciation and laughter. boy was i wrong.

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  7. Oh, crap! I can't believe I didn't know about the existance of this gem! Unbelievable! The worst thing is that the guys look like they are into metal, but they don't even know how to headbang. Is that possible? The last clip with them headbanging is awkward. I can understand that the chick assumed headbanging required some pole dancing movements, since she must be a whore, not a metalhead, but the guys...

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  8. oh man. i bought this a few months ago on dvd. i will bring it over next time and we can enjoy.

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  9. Man what a great stupid movie. It is awesome on every level of existence, or not. The non-actors are great with their over the top delivery. Definitely made by 6th graders who paid their older brothers in weed and a case of Natty Lite.

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  10. i too noticed the sexy headbanging. its so awkward. the guys seem to mostly wear Kiss and Metallica shirts throughout the movie. no shame in that...but i dont know about "death metal" zombies. more like, hard rock zombies.

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  11. Doug Funny, Skeeter, and Patty Mayonaise

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  12. I like the part where they recorded them exhaling their bong hits and then played it backwards. You know, because the song shot out invisible zombie smoke that suddenly became visible when it got near their mouths.

    Those clips probably constitute all of that movie I'll ever be able to sit through. Thanks, MetalInquisition!

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  13. Also, I like that the first song on the tape sounded nothing like the second one, even though they are the same band.

    Also, I knew a dude in high school named Alex who reminds me in so many ways of these two gaylords. He was the only guy at my school who was into metal and we ended up hanging out a lot. Also, he had brain damage. Good times.

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  14. This movie was obviously made for pure entertainment value and it does manage some pretty wicked moments around the cheesy acting.

    It seems they are poking fun at the death metal genre and just having a good time creating a bizarre movie, which this is.

    I find it to be fun, especially at keg parties...it gets plenty of laughs and the fx are actually pretty cool for a simple zombie flick. Some of them are obviously over the top but you can tell by watching you're not supposed to take this film seriously.

    Hell, at least the plot was original compared to all the other zombie films out there where they are always created by a chemical spill or virus.

    Personally, I like the masked psycho killer the best...so random!

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  15. hellbeast suggested that the 10-star ratings this film got at IMDB -- along with pitches to buy the latest re-mastered version -- were probably submitted by those connected with the film. I just saw the same sort of review at Amazon, submitted by someone in Houston, Texas... it's the only review they've posted. The maker of this film is from Houston, Texas. What a coincidence!

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