My Dream Band

As winter sets in, and there's less to do as a result of the cold weather, I can't help but race through the dark corners of my mind (those areas of my mind, by the way, kinda' look like the cover of Broken Hope's "Swamped In Gore", including the green chess board)




In racing through those dark corners, nooks and crannies, I reminisce about my many unfulfilled dreams. What's at the top of that list you ask? My dream of being in a world class metal band. It never happened. Today, thanks to technology and the interweb, I've held auditions for each crucial position and I'm here today to share the finalists with you. Why not? Journey got their latest singer from Youtube. Let me know your thoughts on each candidate. I'm looking to start making some calls next week, so that we can have our first practice in early December.




Lead/Rhythm Guitar

This first candidate for the job has all the necessary riffing abilities and great equipment. There are some issues with his stage presence, like his riffing underbite. I'm referring to the face he makes when he reaches full riffing speed. His jaw looks like a urinal. There's also the issue of possible 'rhoid rage.







Not as much of a riff monster, but he still has skills. Good equipment...but as you might imagine, I have some reservations about his stage presence. The stuffed animals on his bed are a concern, so are his blue shirt and those very tiny shorts.






Vocals

As far as a singer goes, no thought had to go into making this decision. A Metal Inquisition classic, Jon Becker's unbelievable talent and range is a must-have for this all-star band.






Drums

One quality that any great drummer must have is commitment. Watching the video below, there's no doubt in my mind that this young man/woman has exactly what it takes. As you watch this clip, you can feel his energy and commitment through your computer. Amazing stuff. Sorry to post this video again, but when you've seen greatness, you can't turn your back on it.






Bass

If you've ever been in a band, you know that the bass player really doesn't matter at all. If the A/C or furnace comes on in your practice space as you play, that hum will usually be enough to fill up the low end of the spectrum. That way,you don't have to deal with yet another band member. Having said that, I thought I should be on the lookout for the very best talent in order to make this band a true metal unit. This guy fits the bill. He's pretty talented, he has the stage presence of your uncle Earl who does heating and cooling repair for a living...And those amazing sweatpants! Is he wearing anything under those? You can almost see his manjunk jiggle around in there. I do have one concern though...playing a Rickenbacker through a Peavy amp? Isn't that like like putting a trailer hitch on a new Mercedes S-Class? (the AMG version even).




But wait, maybe we'd like to take a more technical approach to our music at some point. Perhaps at some point we'll all get into Cynic, then Chick Correa, and then stuff like Sun Ra. If we do, we need a bass player who can really really help us go the distance...and that's not a bass player at all...we need a chapman stick player, one with great presence and personality!