Music to kill yourself by

Between the winter and my pending divorce, I'm pretty bummed these days, and naturally my thoughts are turning toward suicide. Nothing works as a suicide aid like music, and I thought I would share the albums that are driving me to the brink of despair.

Womb/Disciples of Mockery - split CD
This album is a crushing slab of misanthropic, self-destructive sludge that isn't really like anything else I have ever heard. Womb is the brainchild of former Incantation guitarist, Nazi, and general weirdo Craig Pillard, and they play some very fucked up music. It's slow, sludgy, doomy death metal with very disturbing S&M-themed lyrics that leave you feeling all yucky inside in the way that only interfacing with genuinely unhinged people can. With titles like "Thong" and "Bound, Fucked, Humiliated" and lyrics like "I want to taste your saliva," listening to this will put you in a really strange mood to say the least. You'll feel like you need to wash out your brain, and one step closer to killing yourself!



Abruptum - demos
After priming yourself with some Womb, you won't truly feel the self-hatred until you jam some Abruptum. Actually, you don't really "jam" Abruptum so much as bathe in it. Jamming is for bands that have melody, dynamics, structure, and other things that define music. Abruptum is not so much music as sound. I don't remember who said it, but I read some interview years ago with one of the dummies from some band like Emperor where he said "Abruptum is the sound of pure hell," which is the best description I have ever heard. If you are on the verge of suicide, Abruptum is a valuable aid in pushing you over the edge, because they will make you hate not only yourself, but everybody else on the planet. Once you hate everybody and have severed all emotional connections to the people you used to care about, it's trivial to make the decision to say "Goodbye, cruel world!"



Life of Agony- Ugly
Now most people will say that LoA's finest record is "River Runs Red," but they are wrong. "Ugly" is their finest hour, mostly because it is so melancholy and depressing. If you were feeling chipper when you put it on, you'll definitely be in the dumps before it's over! Pretty much every song on this record is fantastically dreary and hopeless, but the track in the video above is especially good for getting yourself amped up for suiciding yourself. It is called "Coffee Break" and is only found on the import version of "Ugly," but thanks to the interweb, it's easy to pirate these days.

"Fears" is another good one to put on when you're laying in the bathtub in some warm water, getting ready to slit your wrists:

No one knows what it's like
No one knows how it feels
Nothing else cuould compare to the fears I fear
And I've been on my own
Struggling all alone
And all I have are these clothes on my back and this song <-- Priceless!!
I never had much I never believed I could be
Someone, somehow, somebody
Said goodbye to all my childhood hopes and dreams
Time to grow up and accept real life responsibilities
Listen
Won't you listen to the things I have to say
'cause it just might affect the way that you think about
How you live from day to day
It may be easy for you
But it seems like hell to me

Wow! What a cornucopia of self-pity! It's the perfect sountrack for peacing yourself out.


16 - Blaze of Incompetence
I got this record when I was 18 or something, and although I didn't "get it" at the time, I sure do now. If we are discussing music to kill yourself by, we would definitely be remiss if we didn't mention it! I think it is one of those records where you have to get beat up by life for a while before you can understand the feeling of "angry surrender" that permeates pretty much every part of it. When you're 18, you haven't really had to deal with enough bullshit to understand how hopeless and annoying life really is. I think one of the lyrics sums it up well: "Life sucks, who cares, get high." Musically, if you are a fan of bands like Dystopia, Cavity, Fudge Tunnel, or Eyehategod, you will enjoy 16, but it's really the lyrical themes that make this record so special.

Successful people make lemonade when life gives them lemons. When they get knocked down, they get back up, dust themselves off, and keep trying. Listening to this album will make sure you are not one of those people. Some bands, like Life Of Agony, will overwhelm you with the pain of life reduce you to tears and make you want to throw yourself on a sword. 16 is a little different, though. After a couple of songs, you won't be sobbing and in pain, you'll just be so annoyed and frustrated with life that you'll chomp on the cyanide pill just to avoid having to talk to your idiot boss the next day.

Download it here




Jessi Malay
Perhaps the one thing in this world that drives me closest to throwing myself on a sword is the fact that Jessi Malay never got popular. Not only is she hot as shit, this song is pretty awesome- the beat is amazingly dark and crushing, and it has a guest appearance from College Park's biggest baller, Yung Joc. She's so cute! If I can't have her, I'm leaving this planet for good.

What's the soundtrack to your next suicide attempt?
You're among friends, we won't judge you if you say Tori Amos or Vanessa Carlton. We draw the line at Michelle Branch, though!