Showing posts with label dark ambient. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dark ambient. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Music to kill yourself by

Between the winter and my pending divorce, I'm pretty bummed these days, and naturally my thoughts are turning toward suicide. Nothing works as a suicide aid like music, and I thought I would share the albums that are driving me to the brink of despair.

Womb/Disciples of Mockery - split CD
This album is a crushing slab of misanthropic, self-destructive sludge that isn't really like anything else I have ever heard. Womb is the brainchild of former Incantation guitarist, Nazi, and general weirdo Craig Pillard, and they play some very fucked up music. It's slow, sludgy, doomy death metal with very disturbing S&M-themed lyrics that leave you feeling all yucky inside in the way that only interfacing with genuinely unhinged people can. With titles like "Thong" and "Bound, Fucked, Humiliated" and lyrics like "I want to taste your saliva," listening to this will put you in a really strange mood to say the least. You'll feel like you need to wash out your brain, and one step closer to killing yourself!



Abruptum - demos
After priming yourself with some Womb, you won't truly feel the self-hatred until you jam some Abruptum. Actually, you don't really "jam" Abruptum so much as bathe in it. Jamming is for bands that have melody, dynamics, structure, and other things that define music. Abruptum is not so much music as sound. I don't remember who said it, but I read some interview years ago with one of the dummies from some band like Emperor where he said "Abruptum is the sound of pure hell," which is the best description I have ever heard. If you are on the verge of suicide, Abruptum is a valuable aid in pushing you over the edge, because they will make you hate not only yourself, but everybody else on the planet. Once you hate everybody and have severed all emotional connections to the people you used to care about, it's trivial to make the decision to say "Goodbye, cruel world!"



Life of Agony- Ugly
Now most people will say that LoA's finest record is "River Runs Red," but they are wrong. "Ugly" is their finest hour, mostly because it is so melancholy and depressing. If you were feeling chipper when you put it on, you'll definitely be in the dumps before it's over! Pretty much every song on this record is fantastically dreary and hopeless, but the track in the video above is especially good for getting yourself amped up for suiciding yourself. It is called "Coffee Break" and is only found on the import version of "Ugly," but thanks to the interweb, it's easy to pirate these days.

"Fears" is another good one to put on when you're laying in the bathtub in some warm water, getting ready to slit your wrists:
No one knows what it's like
No one knows how it feels
Nothing else cuould compare to the fears I fear
And I've been on my own
Struggling all alone
And all I have are these clothes on my back and this song <-- Priceless!!
I never had much I never believed I could be
Someone, somehow, somebody
Said goodbye to all my childhood hopes and dreams
Time to grow up and accept real life responsibilities
Listen
Won't you listen to the things I have to say
'cause it just might affect the way that you think about
How you live from day to day
It may be easy for you
But it seems like hell to me
Wow! What a cornucopia of self-pity! It's the perfect sountrack for peacing yourself out.


16 - Blaze of Incompetence
I got this record when I was 18 or something, and although I didn't "get it" at the time, I sure do now. If we are discussing music to kill yourself by, we would definitely be remiss if we didn't mention it! I think it is one of those records where you have to get beat up by life for a while before you can understand the feeling of "angry surrender" that permeates pretty much every part of it. When you're 18, you haven't really had to deal with enough bullshit to understand how hopeless and annoying life really is. I think one of the lyrics sums it up well: "Life sucks, who cares, get high." Musically, if you are a fan of bands like Dystopia, Cavity, Fudge Tunnel, or Eyehategod, you will enjoy 16, but it's really the lyrical themes that make this record so special.

Successful people make lemonade when life gives them lemons. When they get knocked down, they get back up, dust themselves off, and keep trying. Listening to this album will make sure you are not one of those people. Some bands, like Life Of Agony, will overwhelm you with the pain of life reduce you to tears and make you want to throw yourself on a sword. 16 is a little different, though. After a couple of songs, you won't be sobbing and in pain, you'll just be so annoyed and frustrated with life that you'll chomp on the cyanide pill just to avoid having to talk to your idiot boss the next day.

Download it here





Jessi Malay
Perhaps the one thing in this world that drives me closest to throwing myself on a sword is the fact that Jessi Malay never got popular. Not only is she hot as shit, this song is pretty awesome- the beat is amazingly dark and crushing, and it has a guest appearance from College Park's biggest baller, Yung Joc. She's so cute! If I can't have her, I'm leaving this planet for good.

What's the soundtrack to your next suicide attempt?

You're among friends, we won't judge you if you say Tori Amos or Vanessa Carlton. We draw the line at Michelle Branch, though!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Christian Black Metal: A Photographic Overview

If christian metal taught us anything during the 80s, it's that any musical style can be co-opted by any group in order to use it for its own purposes. Enter christian black metal. Yes, it's been going on for a while, and most of you already know about it, but I didn't find funny pictures of christian black metal bands until recently, and that's what matters. I'm not going to discuss the music that these bands play, because it's black metal...so what really matters are the pictures.


Frost Like Ashes

At first, you look at this picture and think to yourself,
"Hey, they don't look so bad. They have the black metal look down pretty well."
But then you start to see certain things. First, a Reverend Horton Heat t shirt? Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that liking non-metal music is best left to musical weirdos like Cynic, who proudly stated that their favorite artist was Chick Correa in the pages of Metal Maniacs.

Even if you like Reverend Horton, don't wear a damn shirt announcing it at a metal show! Jesus (no pun intended), didn't you get the memo? I'll let the Biohazard tattoo pass, since I can tell myself that it's not for the band at all. Perhaps he's way into medical waste. Another thing, fatty really should have taken more care on how he did his make-up, half of it is on his t-shirt, and the other half went on his ear. I do have to give him props for managing to incorporate his pointy sideburns (he likes Reverend Horton Heat after all) into his make up. Lastly, is the singer seriously wearing catcher leg guards?






I don't have much to say about this last picture, except that he should consider some Crest Whitening Strips. And less ice cream cake.




Horrific Majesty

Horrific Majesty is a one-man black metal project that rocks out for the lord. Like any other self respecting one-man black metal project, Horrific Majesty has put out both black metal and atmospheric releases. It's exactly the same thing as Burzum, minus the homocide and jail time, and the satanism. Wait, was Burzum satanist, or just pagan, or was he into trolls and gnomes? I forget. Anyway.... is it just me, or is christian music basically a bizarro-world where you can do exactly what someone else has done and just make it christian? I guess no one questions the originality of the music, since the content is up their alley. But would guys in bands like this seriously claim to not be highly influenced by people who are, theologically speaking, from the wrong side of the tracks? Okay, who cares about that. Let's talk about the picture. When I think of the most evil things on earth, I always think of bird baths. The only thing more evil than bird baths, are those reflecting balls that fat white people have on their front yard throughout the midwest.






Antestor


Is it just me, or are there some homoerotic overtones in the picture above? Also, what's with the white robes? He's like the Stevie Nicks of christian black metal. What could possibly be be all that evil about two young, healthy men in their prime going for a quiet stroll with a masculine horse? Not much, especially when it looks like you're going to burst into "Gold Dust Woman".



Again, a bit homoerotic, and that mock turtle neck is not exactly metal. Still, they get points for having okay make-up and taking these pictures in the snow. But that mock turtle neck still bugs me, it looks like he's about to go play a round of black metal golf.






In this most recent shot we find Antestor at that most awkward point in any black metal band's existence. The band doesn't want to wear make up anymore, two guys have shaved their heads because they're was going bald, and at least one member in the band starts to throw the terms "atmospheric" and "ambient" around. As far as fashion goes, their musical conflict is clearly expressed through the choices they make. One guy wants to rock the sleeveless Diesel shirt, while another still wears leather pants. Though they may be European, they might as well be from Jersey. The end of the band is certainly near. They will break up into multiple one-man projects, I can feel it.




Fire Throne


This is perhaps the most out there example of the christian bizarro-world. A two man band named Fire Throne. Fire Throne? First, it doesn't even make sense. Second, it's kinda gutsy to call your band something so close to the name of the band that is considered to be a huge pioneer in a genre. Maybe I'll start a crappy thrash band that eventually sinks like the Titanic and call it Netallica. Nevermind that everyone has already ripped Darkthone off, or the fact that Darkthrone iteself was derivative at times, but this is just funny. For a second, I thought this was a joke band. Remember 2 Live Jews? Their album was called "As Kosher As They Want To Be" (as opposed to 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty As They Want To Be.") I thought it was like that, but for black metal. Or perhaps like Weird Al Yankovik. Sadly, that's not the case. This band is serious. Oh and one of the band members is called Unblasphemer. Great name.





Friday, June 20, 2008

A Mortiis Video Retrospective

Metal Inquisition staffer Lucho Metales meets his hero.

I'm amazed that this blog has been going for almost six months now and we've yet to talk about Mortiis. In all honesty, I don't know much about Mortiis or his music, but his whole black metal goblin schtick is brilliant and hilarious. I don't understand why he's even still associated with the black metal scene considering he was only in Emperor for a hot minute and his musical output since then has more in common with Depeche Mode than Bathory, but that's irrelevant. Just look at the fucking guy. He looks so goddamned ridiculous. He is the embodiment of all that is great/stupid about heavy metal and since we're all about laughing at the expense of others here at Metal Inquisition I present to you my top five all time favorite Mortiis videos, in no particular order.

1. Parasite God

This video features a topless Mortiis wandering through the desert and prancing around a castle over weak techno beats. If you took the worst Ministry song and multiplied it by a thousand that's what this sounds like.


2. Mental Maelstrom (Implode)

More shitty techno, but this time Mortiis is crawling through the walls and spying on a crowd of unsuspecting partygoers. It just so happens that the hot goth chicks partying are huge Mortiis fans and they can't keep their hands off of him or his bandmates. Lots of mesh and leather and touching.


3. Decadent and Desparate

More partying. This time Mortiis is strung out on the floor of a bathroom sans makeup after presumably having shot up heroin. He then wakes up chained to the ceiling of a warehouse and proceeds to be berated by Mortiis in full makeup. But who is the real Mortiis? Very postmodern. This song sounds like Nine Inch Nails, but worse.


4. The Grudge

In this video Mortiis and his band serenade a lucky maiden trapped in a box with a white translucent sheet drapped over it. This song rocks pretty hard. It reminds me of that band Filter.


5. Marshlands

This video is very artsy. It features lots of random footage edited together and makes no sense. It could very easily have been some college student's senior project. Sadly Mortiis is nowhere to be found.


As an added bonus enjoy this interview with Mortiis from Swedish television where they discuss how he lives in a castle, eats small children for breakfast, sleeps with wolves, and has thirteen toes!