They're just like us- they like metal, too!!

Sergeant D brainstorming furiously at the Metal Inquisition Mid-Atlantic Innovation Center

As Lucho Metales mentioned in his "Who wore it best?" post, we like celebrity gossip almost as much as we like talking about terrible metal bands. In fact, we spent last weekend holed up in Building C of Metal Inquisition's Mid-Atlantic Innovation Center exploring the topic. We don't know exactly what metal bands celebs listen to, but we took our best guess below...


Kobe Bryant
Gut, Dead, Cemetery Rapist, Mortal Decay, Meatshits
If you think that all basketball players listen to rap, you are an awful bigot and you should be ashamed of yourself. They are diverse, sophisticated professionals with all the refined tastes that you would expect from a modern gentleman. For example, as an all-but-convicted anal rapist, we figured Kobe probably jams a lot of pornogrind when he's practicing his free throws, touchdowns, home runs or whatever the fuck they do in basketball. He even got a cassette player installed in his Maibach so he can play his 7 Minutes of Nausea demos on the road.


Vin Diesel
Gogoroth, Judas Priest, Death
Vin Diesel says he "prefers to keep his personal life private." In other words, he is a homosexual. I know what you're thinking: how dare you jump to conclusions! But think about it for a second... Vin Diesel could literally bang a dozen absurdly hot strippers every single day without breaking a sweat. But ask yourself, when was the last time you saw him with a chick in the press? That's right, never! So there you have it, PROOF that he's gay. Aside from being a homosexual, he's also a huge nerd that loves videogames, D&D, and other trappings of dorkdom. With that in mind, we're all but positive that when he's struggling to get through his 7AM spinning class, when everyone else is listening to Eric Prydz, he draws inspiration from gay-fronted metal bands like Priest or Death.


Lindsay Lohan
Laaz Rockit
OK, this is a cheap shot... but with a song like "Fire In The Hole," they're a perfect fit for the world's most famous firecrotch! (Click here for pictures of her firecrotch, NSFW obviously)


Paul Walker
Disturbed, Crazytown, Scatterbrain
You might know Paul (or as I like to call him, P-Dubb) from his roles in films like The Fast & The Furious, Into The Blue, and Joyride. To me, his finest moment was in She's All That, though. When he sees Rachel Leigh Cook in her bathing suit, he looks at her jammers and says "Look at the bobos on superfreak!" Anyhow, Paul definitely likes to party, and he definitely loves to bang his head to aggro shit like Godsmack and Crazytown. But he's not just a rocker. The truth is that most of the time he'd rather be chilling at his condo in Malibu, hanging out on the beach with his acoustic guitar, a Corona and a baja jacket in case it gets breezy. And when it comes to chilling on the beach, there's no better soundtrack in the world of metal than a little Scatterbrain! He can't decide what he likes better about Scatterbrain: their funky riffing or witty lyrics. Either way, though, don't call him dude!

Pick up where we left off
There are only so many hours in the day, and we simply couldn't finish what we started. Help us match up the rest of Hollywood with the right band. We know Stephen Baldwin loves Believer and Vengeance Rising (only the old stuff), but who listens to Exhorder? Mordred? Benediction??

Music to kill yourself by

Between the winter and my pending divorce, I'm pretty bummed these days, and naturally my thoughts are turning toward suicide. Nothing works as a suicide aid like music, and I thought I would share the albums that are driving me to the brink of despair.

Womb/Disciples of Mockery - split CD
This album is a crushing slab of misanthropic, self-destructive sludge that isn't really like anything else I have ever heard. Womb is the brainchild of former Incantation guitarist, Nazi, and general weirdo Craig Pillard, and they play some very fucked up music. It's slow, sludgy, doomy death metal with very disturbing S&M-themed lyrics that leave you feeling all yucky inside in the way that only interfacing with genuinely unhinged people can. With titles like "Thong" and "Bound, Fucked, Humiliated" and lyrics like "I want to taste your saliva," listening to this will put you in a really strange mood to say the least. You'll feel like you need to wash out your brain, and one step closer to killing yourself!



Abruptum - demos
After priming yourself with some Womb, you won't truly feel the self-hatred until you jam some Abruptum. Actually, you don't really "jam" Abruptum so much as bathe in it. Jamming is for bands that have melody, dynamics, structure, and other things that define music. Abruptum is not so much music as sound. I don't remember who said it, but I read some interview years ago with one of the dummies from some band like Emperor where he said "Abruptum is the sound of pure hell," which is the best description I have ever heard. If you are on the verge of suicide, Abruptum is a valuable aid in pushing you over the edge, because they will make you hate not only yourself, but everybody else on the planet. Once you hate everybody and have severed all emotional connections to the people you used to care about, it's trivial to make the decision to say "Goodbye, cruel world!"



Life of Agony- Ugly
Now most people will say that LoA's finest record is "River Runs Red," but they are wrong. "Ugly" is their finest hour, mostly because it is so melancholy and depressing. If you were feeling chipper when you put it on, you'll definitely be in the dumps before it's over! Pretty much every song on this record is fantastically dreary and hopeless, but the track in the video above is especially good for getting yourself amped up for suiciding yourself. It is called "Coffee Break" and is only found on the import version of "Ugly," but thanks to the interweb, it's easy to pirate these days.

"Fears" is another good one to put on when you're laying in the bathtub in some warm water, getting ready to slit your wrists:

No one knows what it's like
No one knows how it feels
Nothing else cuould compare to the fears I fear
And I've been on my own
Struggling all alone
And all I have are these clothes on my back and this song <-- Priceless!!
I never had much I never believed I could be
Someone, somehow, somebody
Said goodbye to all my childhood hopes and dreams
Time to grow up and accept real life responsibilities
Listen
Won't you listen to the things I have to say
'cause it just might affect the way that you think about
How you live from day to day
It may be easy for you
But it seems like hell to me

Wow! What a cornucopia of self-pity! It's the perfect sountrack for peacing yourself out.


16 - Blaze of Incompetence
I got this record when I was 18 or something, and although I didn't "get it" at the time, I sure do now. If we are discussing music to kill yourself by, we would definitely be remiss if we didn't mention it! I think it is one of those records where you have to get beat up by life for a while before you can understand the feeling of "angry surrender" that permeates pretty much every part of it. When you're 18, you haven't really had to deal with enough bullshit to understand how hopeless and annoying life really is. I think one of the lyrics sums it up well: "Life sucks, who cares, get high." Musically, if you are a fan of bands like Dystopia, Cavity, Fudge Tunnel, or Eyehategod, you will enjoy 16, but it's really the lyrical themes that make this record so special.

Successful people make lemonade when life gives them lemons. When they get knocked down, they get back up, dust themselves off, and keep trying. Listening to this album will make sure you are not one of those people. Some bands, like Life Of Agony, will overwhelm you with the pain of life reduce you to tears and make you want to throw yourself on a sword. 16 is a little different, though. After a couple of songs, you won't be sobbing and in pain, you'll just be so annoyed and frustrated with life that you'll chomp on the cyanide pill just to avoid having to talk to your idiot boss the next day.

Download it here




Jessi Malay
Perhaps the one thing in this world that drives me closest to throwing myself on a sword is the fact that Jessi Malay never got popular. Not only is she hot as shit, this song is pretty awesome- the beat is amazingly dark and crushing, and it has a guest appearance from College Park's biggest baller, Yung Joc. She's so cute! If I can't have her, I'm leaving this planet for good.

What's the soundtrack to your next suicide attempt?
You're among friends, we won't judge you if you say Tori Amos or Vanessa Carlton. We draw the line at Michelle Branch, though!

Inhale vs. Exhale. The metal vocal wars rage on as old men like me look on.

Sergeant D presenting during the Metal Inquisition corporate retreat. That's our administrative assistant Pearl to his left. The painting on the wall is a portrait of Steamhammer Records founder Helmut Fleisher

This past weekend, the annual Metal Inquistion retreat took place in an undisclosed rural location in these United States. This yearly retreat is intended as a time for Metal Inquisition staffers to reflect upon our last year of work, and it gives us time to think about the current direction of this fine online forum. During this yearly retreat, we partake in the usual team building exercises, review possible shifts in our business model and spend quality time with each other. This time away from the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives takes place in a setting that allows us to focus on the business at hand, with no outside interruptions (since we had no cell phone coverage), and it's also time for Sergeant D to make endless Powerpoint presentations about the M.I. business plan. We all sleep through his presentations, and usually only wake up when he loudly yells out "cha-ching! We're gonna' get rich from this blog bitches!" It was during this retreat, in one of those quiet moments that comes about from time to toime, that both Gene Hoglan's Balls and I finally disclosed our deepest, darkest and most depressing secret to one another. The secret?

We both have to wear doctor prescribed orthotics.




Actually, Mr. Hoglan's Balls has fantastic orthotics with an urban camo-like pattern that would be perfectly at home in the shoes of Max Cavalera. But back to the issue at hand...please don't assume that we both have funky looking feet that are misshapen. Our feet do not resemble claw hammers more than feet, so let me correct you. Our feet look just fine, thank you very much...but due to the pain that comes with old age, we were both forced into a course of action normally reserved for people twice our age. Pathetic? Sad? You bet! Why do I bring all this up? Because this should be a sign to all of our readers that we are no spring chickens. We've been around the block a time or two (or six), and that includes substantial experience in the world of metal.

So it's with that in mind that I shall now explain to you a great schism that has occurred in the world of metal. You see, like most old farts who wear orthodics I don't deal with change very well. I miss the days when hot ladies wore Forbidden shirts to shows, I miss the days when Shane Embury still weighed less than 400 pounds, I miss the days when Nocturnus and their lyrical genius was at the forefront of scientific research in time travel and black matter. But times have changed, and perhaps the biggest sign of this change can be seen in one simple but powerful aspect. Inhaling versus exhaling vocals in the general realm of metal.

I know what you're saying, you're saying "Hey old man, yeah you...with the orthotics. Quit crying about your foot pain and about metal vocals, get over it!" But I can't. For god's sake, I remember when metal vocalists used to exhale to grant us all with the thrill of great growling or, in the case of King Diamond, crying that sounded like a hyena in pain.

These damn kids with their haircuts, do they live in wind tunnel?

But times change, and these days, young kids whose haircuts seem to imply a constant and severe side, or back-wind (aka MySpace hair), are inhaling all over the place in order to sound like pigs in heat. I have no interest in the music that these vocal stylings are intended for, but I still find it annoying. "Pig squeling" is what the youngster call it. Ugh, I've never felt so old...especially within the context of a subculture that I'm semi-connected to. I guess this all has to do with metalcore and screamo and other styles of music that I would feel dirty as a result of even typing out their names.

Before you tell me I'm old and I should understand...I just told you I wear orthotics! I'm old, and don't want to understand! I had to sit in the Podiatrist's waiting room next to 80 year old women with bunions.


I know what some of you are thinking, that inhaling has been used successfully in some instances in the world of wigger slam, but I'm here to tell you that I'm not thrilled about that either! Back in my day we EXHALED our metal vocals. If this all sounds like insanity to you, please watch the videos below and tell me I'm wrong. If I am, I'll eat my orthotics and call it a day. Now, get off my lawn!
















This last one is a full lesson on how to inhale/pig squeal. Hope you have a cyanide pill handy. You may need it.

Engrish: It's not just for snack foods!

There are few things funnier than when people from Europe or Asia try to speak English and fail miserably- a phenomenon also known as Engrish. While not all of the MI staffers are US citizens, all of us speak English well enough to enjoy a good laugh at the expense of a foreigner. For years, food packaging was the best source of Engrish laughs, but thanks to the interweb, now metal and Engrish are one. Gorevent, a splendid Japanese wigger slam band, recently updated their profile. The results are below. There are so many amazing turns of phrase I don't even know where to start! Thank you, Gorevent, for combining Engrish and guttural slamming brutality.

Herro!

GOREVENT(Abnormal Exaggeration DROP!!)

Gokucho and Sonobe (ex-REST IN GORE) started a deathmetal unit with Kasahara BRUTAL in Niigata City at the end of the year 2004, it was the very beginning of GOREVENT.

Abe joined the band in 2005 as the first permanent drummer, then GOREVENT got started sick'n brutal activity.

The beginning of the year 2006, Takashi (a.k.a.ILLEGAL ABORTION -Vo.&B.) joined the band as a second vokill vomitter.

In the fall of the year, Abe left the band, Moriyama (ex-TESTICLES VIRUS) joined us as a replacement drummer.

In the middle of February, 2007, Gokucho switched his equipment from a vokill to an axe so as to develop the whole sound ever more brutal.