Friday, December 12, 2008
They're just like us- they like metal, too!!
As Lucho Metales mentioned in his "Who wore it best?" post, we like celebrity gossip almost as much as we like talking about terrible metal bands. In fact, we spent last weekend holed up in Building C of Metal Inquisition's Mid-Atlantic Innovation Center exploring the topic. We don't know exactly what metal bands celebs listen to, but we took our best guess below...
Gut, Dead, Cemetery Rapist, Mortal Decay, Meatshits
If you think that all basketball players listen to rap, you are an awful bigot and you should be ashamed of yourself. They are diverse, sophisticated professionals with all the refined tastes that you would expect from a modern gentleman. For example, as an all-but-convicted anal rapist, we figured Kobe probably jams a lot of pornogrind when he's practicing his free throws, touchdowns, home runs or whatever the fuck they do in basketball. He even got a cassette player installed in his Maibach so he can play his 7 Minutes of Nausea demos on the road.
Gogoroth, Judas Priest, Death
Vin Diesel says he "prefers to keep his personal life private." In other words, he is a homosexual. I know what you're thinking: how dare you jump to conclusions! But think about it for a second... Vin Diesel could literally bang a dozen absurdly hot strippers every single day without breaking a sweat. But ask yourself, when was the last time you saw him with a chick in the press? That's right, never! So there you have it, PROOF that he's gay. Aside from being a homosexual, he's also a huge nerd that loves videogames, D&D, and other trappings of dorkdom. With that in mind, we're all but positive that when he's struggling to get through his 7AM spinning class, when everyone else is listening to Eric Prydz, he draws inspiration from gay-fronted metal bands like Priest or Death.
OK, this is a cheap shot... but with a song like "Fire In The Hole," they're a perfect fit for the world's most famous firecrotch! (Click here for pictures of her firecrotch, NSFW obviously)
Disturbed, Crazytown, Scatterbrain
You might know Paul (or as I like to call him, P-Dubb) from his roles in films like The Fast & The Furious, Into The Blue, and Joyride. To me, his finest moment was in She's All That, though. When he sees Rachel Leigh Cook in her bathing suit, he looks at her jammers and says "Look at the bobos on superfreak!" Anyhow, Paul definitely likes to party, and he definitely loves to bang his head to aggro shit like Godsmack and Crazytown. But he's not just a rocker. The truth is that most of the time he'd rather be chilling at his condo in Malibu, hanging out on the beach with his acoustic guitar, a Corona and a baja jacket in case it gets breezy. And when it comes to chilling on the beach, there's no better soundtrack in the world of metal than a little Scatterbrain! He can't decide what he likes better about Scatterbrain: their funky riffing or witty lyrics. Either way, though, don't call him dude!
Pick up where we left off
There are only so many hours in the day, and we simply couldn't finish what we started. Help us match up the rest of Hollywood with the right band. We know Stephen Baldwin loves Believer and Vengeance Rising (only the old stuff), but who listens to Exhorder? Mordred? Benediction??