Friday, December 19, 2008

Random Images

From time to time, our beloved Metal Inquisition intern will find images that he thinks would be funny to post on the blog. Though he's often wrong (like that one of Scott Ian using a Dyson vacuum cleaner), he will sometimes find near-gems that are certainly worth sharing. Here are some of his latest finds.


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Perhaps the ultimate sign of my advancing age: I can no longer tell what gender people are.


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The last time I decided to venture out and see live music for the first time in like a decade, a tub of goo who looked just like this ran up to my car in the parking lot and yelled out "Woooooooooh!" I just turned right back around, went home, and watched HGTV.



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Imagine what it must feel like to be this guy. You think you're badass because you're selling merch for your friend's band. At a show, you meet a girl and she says: "You know who you look like?" in anticipation, you begin to think to yourself: Tom Selleck? Perhaps a young Rock Hudson? But then she says, "You look just like Tom G. Warrior". What a heart-crushing blow that would be, to be compared to a corpse from Switzerland.

At the risk of sounding like a bad Seinfeld impression, did you ever notice how metal fans tend to come in two sizes only? Dino Cazares fat, and concentration camp skinny. No in between. Lastly, do you think he got that NASA shirt because he's an actual astronaut? I guess we'll never know.


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I have often made fun of juggalos for being the lowest form of human life, as well as for their aesthetic similarities to black metal fans (make-up, devastating good looks etc.) When you see this picture, however, you have to put all that aside and give this guy props. He's like a new breed of juggalo, a super-juggalo, juggalo 2.0 if you will. Looking an awful lot like a new character that Sacha Baron Cohen is working on, this dude is all "What bitch? Bring that shit on! I'll throw down right now! I don't care if I was going into the supermarket to get cream cheese, we can do this now!"

Based on his mustache and basketball shorts, you know he's not kidding. He will, in fact, fight you right then and there. Fans of the Howard Stern show may recognize the guy with facial hair in the background as Ronnie The Limo Driver.


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Yet another sign of my advancing age: Wanting to punch this douchebag in the face so hard that his piercings will fall off. To think that all the work we put into the metal scene back in 1992 went to waste on this kid. Man, we fought so hard back then...and for what? So he can bleach his eyebrows while listening to Methods Of Mayhem.


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At first I wanted to make fun of this awful record cover, but then I thought it about it more honestly, and I had to admit that this girl was my dream-lady back in 1988. Her outfit, that hair....godamn! She even has a dual-deck tape player/guitar! While you're making out with her, you could totally be dubbing your friend's Destruction tape! Could it get any better? One artistic/anatomic note however: how come where the two legs meet, all that happens is more leg?



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For all you young kids, this is what the average female metal fan looked like in 1988. You youngsters are so spoiled these days. As gnarly as this female looks, dudes were lining up to talk to her about the new Testament album back in the day, hoping to take her back home.


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Oofah! Talk about taking Robb Flynn's disease to a new all-time high. Your move Flynn.




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Man, this picture is seriously unexpected. Billy Milano has finally let himself go. I knew it was only a matter of time. In case you're wondering, yes this is an actual picture of Billy Milano, not just a random picture of a gross fat dude.


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Man, things sure have changed. Back in my day, no self-respecting metal fan was into sports. Today, Cincinnati Bengals fans are mixing their past times in ways that were previously unheard of. Why is she making that face you ask? She just had a bean burrito from the stand behind her, and its going through her faster than a speeding cheetah.




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Have you ever seen that famous picture of the one time that Malcolm X and Martin Luther King met? It's often labeled "a meeting of the minds." This image is kinda' like that, but features two victims of advanced syphilitic brain infections. What do you think they discussed during this meeting? How to not let your bass be heard? Prostate advice? Catholic theology? We'll never know. I'm sure whatever they talked about, it was both idiotic AND annoying. These guys are real multi-taskers. (Update: As pointed out by a reader, Tom is starting to look more and more like Sitting Bull.)

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Don't worry chubs, I totally get your anger. I'd be mad as hell if my mom switched out my evil candles for vanilla-scented ones.


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Here we see Chris Barnes going for a stroll on a day off from touring.

33 comments:

  1. This is the funniest thing since the video you posted of Steve Harris eating shit onstage while Dickenson tries to help him back onto his feet, in a very Spinal Tap fashion. Keep up the good work!

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  2. The older he gets, the more Tom Araya starts to resemble chief Sitting Bull. Which of course beats having to resort to Rob Flynn-disease to hide that you're a balding old guy, like Kerry King.

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  3. I swear that last picture dude is flipping the bird with his baggage!

    Didnt Merch dude life model for the first Impetigo cover.

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  4. The last one is a photo-shop; you can see the lettering cover his necklace.

    I know that saying this will make me sound gay, but is anyone else surprised to discover that Billy Milano's ass isn't as hairy as previously imagined?

    Finally, I too hate the fat dudes who go woo. They're reason enough not to go to concerts, sporting events, high school graduations, bar-mitzvahs, etc. Shut up, sit down, and for god's sake, put a shirt on.

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  5. quite an impressive collection of stupid people...the guy on the first pic looks exactly like a girl i know, so the commentary is right on. That "jupiter" cover sums up everything that was ridiculous about metal in the 80s. even as a stupid 14-year old who was into manowar i was embarrassed by finding covers like this in the metal sections of record stores.
    you forgot to mention the most ridiculous aspect of the "cincinatti bengals" guy: his parachute trousers (or whatever they are called). These trousers suddenly appeared in the metal scene some years ago and were generally worn by the biggest douchbags. At my university was a fat dude that sported a pair nearly every fucking day, combined with some of these combat boots with a ton of scrap metal nailed on, and shirts by super-misanthropic myspace gothic/black metal "projects". These trousers were also popular with chicks like that lovely 80s metal chick. sadly, you are only too right about the quality of them as well, luckily there were some hot exceptions to this rule, or i would probably still be a virgin.

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  6. hi-fucking-larious!!!

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  7. That is Tom G. Warrior at the merch table... he always sported that NASA shirt.

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  8. ...and I'm pretty sure that's Martin Ain to his right.

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  9. That girl with the shotgun is no poser!!!

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  10. Zachary, fuck you for making me take a closer look at Billy's ass.

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  11. okay you busted me...the dude with dreadlocks got a little Photoshop lovin from me. but come on...the chance to produce a Cannibal Corpse leotard (even if its in photoshop) was waaaay too tempting.

    damn you zachary, now i too did a double take at milano's ass. as a result, i'm now going to bathe is hot bleach for an hour or three.

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  12. I love random pictures. Just a thought, why almost always the fat guy in a band is the drummer? I know, Billy Milano, Dino Cazares and the fat dude that sings in November's Doom are not the case (to name some), but if you see the pic of a band you don't know and there's a fat guy, you should bet that's the drummer, and I'm sure the chance of winning is going to be in your favor.

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  13. drummers, like Jaba The Hut, choose to sit for a living. They get cardio, but clearly not enough. Just look at Gene Hoglan.

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  14. somebody stole Judas Priest's font!

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  15. I'm glad that I was able to make so many people blind in one day with my keen perception. ;)

    Also, one of the anonymous guys is right: Mr. NASA is Tom G. Warrior. You can tell because the guy sitting on the right with shades is Martin Ain and to his left is Reed St. Mark. With this discovery there is only one thing left to ask: is this photo taken in 1986 more or less embarrassing than this photo taken two years later:
    http://blogs.eurielec.etsit.upm.es/galdecoa/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/celtic-frost-cold-lake-lineup.jpg

    Honestly, did Tom G. and Co. go out of their way to destroy any and all of their original cult (that's kvlt for the black metal kiddies) aesthetics? I think Lucho had the same experience as I had: after hearing for years how "evil" Celtic Frost sounded, I once got my hands on an album and had a listen (mind you, this was like 2004 and no one ever mentioned to me that they "changed" sounds). That album turned out to be "Cold Lake". I couldn't believe that this was the same band that recorded "Dethroned Emperor", a song which was basically covered by all death metal bands at some point in their career.

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  16. Definitely Tom G. and Martin Ain.

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  17. I remember talking to that chick about the Testament album. She didn't think Alex could ever top that mind-blowing lead that he produced for "Over the Wall" but upon hearing "Trial by Fire" she had to reconsider.

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  18. That guy actually IS Tom G. Warrior, the corpse from Switzerland.
    And Billy Milano ass is definitely flatter than expected...

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  19. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  20. regarding the Tom G picture, if I remember correctly I got it from a website that I wont mention, and it said something like "mikey working the table" or something like that...but what do i know. certainly looks like him. either way...its either the Cryptkeeper, or Tom G wearing a NASA shirt...and that's what matters

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  21. Hah, that's an old Vai picture. You should see what a D-bagg he is now.
    http://www.vai.com/SightsSounds/achinghunger2004/ah_50.html

    The flavor saver from hell!

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  22. Doesn't the fat chick have 'stache?

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  23. Billy Milano let himself go. WTF?

    The guy was a fully paid ice cream cake diet representative.

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  24. Whoever he is, that guy could be Tom Fischer's stand-in. I don't know how much he could earn with this job, but surely less than a Tom Selleck stand-in.

    And the fat chick definitely has mustaches...she grew 'em after she dated Rick Rozz for a while.

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  25. Although it's highly debatable, I'd say UFC and/or mixed martial arts fans are slightly ahead or behind of Juggalos on the Douchebag Scale. Unfortunately, many of the former also name themselves as metal fans (but their "metal" tastes are usually limited to Disturbed, Mudvayne and Pantera-type jock metal).

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  26. i guess you won't be surprised to hear that i've been a hardcore MMA fan for nearly 15 years then?

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  27. this is just fucking fantastic! glad stumbleupon finally provided me with something worthwhile.

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  28. No, not really surprised. I hope you don't own any TapOut apparel. That shit is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

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