Random Images

From time to time, our beloved Metal Inquisition intern will find images that he thinks would be funny to post on the blog. Though he's often wrong (like that one of Scott Ian using a Dyson vacuum cleaner), he will sometimes find near-gems that are certainly worth sharing. Here are some of his latest finds.

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Perhaps the ultimate sign of my advancing age: I can no longer tell what gender people are.

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The last time I decided to venture out and see live music for the first time in like a decade, a tub of goo who looked just like this ran up to my car in the parking lot and yelled out "Woooooooooh!" I just turned right back around, went home, and watched HGTV.



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Imagine what it must feel like to be this guy. You think you're badass because you're selling merch for your friend's band. At a show, you meet a girl and she says: "You know who you look like?" in anticipation, you begin to think to yourself: Tom Selleck? Perhaps a young Rock Hudson? But then she says, "You look just like Tom G. Warrior". What a heart-crushing blow that would be, to be compared to a corpse from Switzerland.

At the risk of sounding like a bad Seinfeld impression, did you ever notice how metal fans tend to come in two sizes only? Dino Cazares fat, and concentration camp skinny. No in between. Lastly, do you think he got that NASA shirt because he's an actual astronaut? I guess we'll never know.


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I have often made fun of juggalos for being the lowest form of human life, as well as for their aesthetic similarities to black metal fans (make-up, devastating good looks etc.) When you see this picture, however, you have to put all that aside and give this guy props. He's like a new breed of juggalo, a super-juggalo, juggalo 2.0 if you will. Looking an awful lot like a new character that Sacha Baron Cohen is working on, this dude is all "What bitch? Bring that shit on! I'll throw down right now! I don't care if I was going into the supermarket to get cream cheese, we can do this now!"

Based on his mustache and basketball shorts, you know he's not kidding. He will, in fact, fight you right then and there. Fans of the Howard Stern show may recognize the guy with facial hair in the background as Ronnie The Limo Driver.


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Yet another sign of my advancing age: Wanting to punch this douchebag in the face so hard that his piercings will fall off. To think that all the work we put into the metal scene back in 1992 went to waste on this kid. Man, we fought so hard back then...and for what? So he can bleach his eyebrows while listening to Methods Of Mayhem.


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At first I wanted to make fun of this awful record cover, but then I thought it about it more honestly, and I had to admit that this girl was my dream-lady back in 1988. Her outfit, that hair....godamn! She even has a dual-deck tape player/guitar! While you're making out with her, you could totally be dubbing your friend's Destruction tape! Could it get any better? One artistic/anatomic note however: how come where the two legs meet, all that happens is more leg?



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For all you young kids, this is what the average female metal fan looked like in 1988. You youngsters are so spoiled these days. As gnarly as this female looks, dudes were lining up to talk to her about the new Testament album back in the day, hoping to take her back home.


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Oofah! Talk about taking Robb Flynn's disease to a new all-time high. Your move Flynn.




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Man, this picture is seriously unexpected. Billy Milano has finally let himself go. I knew it was only a matter of time. In case you're wondering, yes this is an actual picture of Billy Milano, not just a random picture of a gross fat dude.


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Man, things sure have changed. Back in my day, no self-respecting metal fan was into sports. Today, Cincinnati Bengals fans are mixing their past times in ways that were previously unheard of. Why is she making that face you ask? She just had a bean burrito from the stand behind her, and its going through her faster than a speeding cheetah.




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Have you ever seen that famous picture of the one time that Malcolm X and Martin Luther King met? It's often labeled "a meeting of the minds." This image is kinda' like that, but features two victims of advanced syphilitic brain infections. What do you think they discussed during this meeting? How to not let your bass be heard? Prostate advice? Catholic theology? We'll never know. I'm sure whatever they talked about, it was both idiotic AND annoying. These guys are real multi-taskers. (Update: As pointed out by a reader, Tom is starting to look more and more like Sitting Bull.)

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Don't worry chubs, I totally get your anger. I'd be mad as hell if my mom switched out my evil candles for vanilla-scented ones.


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Here we see Chris Barnes going for a stroll on a day off from touring.

About time: Celtic Frost call it quits (AGAIN)

Yes, it is true! As I write this my eyes are tearing up. Sure it's just 'cuz my office is really dusty, but I'm still sad (sorta...actually, not really) that Tom and Martin have called it quits. Again. Seriously, this band breaks up and gets back together every 3-5 years. I understand that the only choice these Swiss rockers have to re-forming the band is going back to day jobs as bank clerks in the main branch of UBS in Zurich, but c'mon! Have they done anything worth a Swiss Franc since 1987? Strike that, I forgot that "Into the Pandemonium" was as heavy as dirty gramma panties.

By the time "Pandemonium" came out they were already starting to look like glam fags. Still, there something about this shot I really like... The jury is still out on this one.

In their official statement they said "...that any continuation of CELTIC FROST without either one of us would be irreconcilable with our original ideas and detrimental to the group's legacy." Wait a second... wait a second. I'm sure you know where I'm gonna go here... "detrimental to the group's legacy"? Are you fucking kidding me? What would you call "Cold Lake"? Or the photo below? Fuck me! THAT was detrimental!

Jesus, Joseph and Mary! I don't mean to be blasphemous here, but c'mon! Unbuttoned pants with suspenders and no shirt? Fingerless white gloves? Frosted denim? What's missing here? Oh, yeah, denim shorts! The ONLY redeeming wardrobe piece in this shot is what appears to be a calculator watch on Tom G. Warrior's wrist. I point that out 'cuz I'm wearing one as I type. No joke.

In the statement, they also refer to CF as a "truly unique band". But are they really? I happen to know a lot of bands that put out two or three good records and then decided to start sucking asshole. Then, after 15 years of being mocked by their old fans, they decide to "come back", just for said fans to mock them even more in blogs such as this one. Sorry, guys, you're not that "unique."

I'm sorry if you disagree, but this video is WAY more of a joke than St. Anger could ever be.

Listen here: I know how influential CF were. Shit, I have Morbid Tales in my CD player in my car right now, but let's not forget that these clowns are partly responsible for the disease we call black metal.

Thanks for nothing you Swiss fuckers!

If we're gonna dedicate post after post to making fun of Danzig and Metallica, I think we should do at least one post to celebrate yet another passing of the band with the highest awesome-to-shitpile ratio in the history of metal. So, here is to Tom G. Warrior and 17 other guys who were in CF at one point or another. May you have a happy retirement and see you again when the money runs out in 2-5 years!

Hey Tom, do I detect a mild case of Robb Flynn's Disease?

"After the battle is over
And the sands drunken the blood
All what there remains
Is the bitterness of delusion"
Exactly! You said it best...

TANKARD: Bier Macht Spass!!

Metal Hammer Magazine is as responsible for who I am, as my mother or ALF re-runs. I grew up in South America, you see, and when I was a kid, the only way to know what was going on in the world of Metal was through this shitty magazine. I say shitty because most of the articles were about Saxon, Scorpions and WASP. But there were a few, here and there, about Motorhead, Slayer and other cool bands like that. It was in the pages of this mag that I saw for the first time what Jeff Hanneman and King Diamond looked like. I got an awesome Kerry King poster in one issue. I still have it. The record review section was my favorite part of the magazine. I got to read about all these metal records. Living in the ass of the western world, I never thought I would get to hear most of them. Well, as things turned out, I moved to the US of A, and I did get a chance to own a few.

From 1986 until 1989 this magazine was my bible.

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I don't remember what the review for Tankard's "Zombie Attack" said in a 1986 Metal Hammer, but the name of the band and the cover stuck with me. My friend Eduardo came to Florida on vacation in '88 and asked me to give him a list of good bands, so he could buy a few tapes. Tankard made the list, even tho I'd never heard them before. The cover to "Zombie Attack" was just cool. A housewife watching TV with Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Monster of Frankenstein, a skeleton and a Canadian Lumberjack? Classic! I don't know why, but it reminded me of something Anthrax would do. So, Eduardo came back with like 15 cassettes. None of them were for me, of course, but it felt like xmas! This dude brought back "Seventh Son", "Mad Butcher", "State of Euphoria" and of course "Zombie Attack" AND "Chemical Invasion".
I must admit, at first I didn't love "Zombie Attack". It wasn't bad, but I guess I expected something heavier, something like Slayer. But, like any good Pauly Shore movie, it stayed with me until it became one of my favorites. Sorta like 'Bio-Dome', you know? If you haven't heard this classic, I can only describe it as a mixture between Cryptic Slaughter and Destruction with a little bit of Gang Green in there. Gerre's vocals are little more nasaly than in later albums and that might turn off some listeners, but the riffs are fucking catchy. The song "Empty Tankard" is a prime example of early euro crossover.

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Tankard pretty much remained in the same vein (to this day, actually) in this record. The production is better and the songs have a few more changes, but remain pretty straight forward thrashy hardcory metal. It wasn't until I rediscovered this record recently that I realized how much Gerre's vocals remind me of Bill Crooks of Cryptic Slaughter. My only complaint about this record is the instrumental song "For A Thousand Beers". It has long and boring classic guitar intro. Something Exodus would do, except shittier. The rest of the song never really delivers. Just like 'Encino Man', The title track more than makes up for it, tho. It's an all-out thrash attack with an awesome build-up to a mid-tempo catchy riff that speeds up to thrash mayhem! Just like 'Son-in-Law'. It's my favorite Tankard song. It makes me want to drink beers and thrash in my bedroom until I pass out. Seriously, it does.
After this record they actually did a flexi split single with Celtic Frost that came free with an issue of Metal Hammer in Germany. "Lucky" krauts got to listen to a hiss-ridden crappy CF song and a Tankard song that is WAY below their potential.

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When we first got to the US, my brother and I would go to the Franklin Park Mall every chance we got and would hit the record store (Coconuts, I think?). We'd buy any tape that met any of the following 4 criteria: 1. A band we already knew, like Anthrax, Slayer, Maiden or Destruction. 2. A tape with an awesome cover from a band we'd never heard of, like DBC or Possessed. 3. A band whose video on HBB we liked, like Prong and Panic. 4. Bands that we'd heard of through Metal Hammer, like Sabbat, Acrophet, Atrocity, Motorhead, Acid Reign, Sodom, Kreator and Tankard.
That's how we acquired "The Morning After". The cover, once again, is a classic! If I followed my gut when listening to Tankard, I'd drink tons of beer and Jack and thrash 'til I puked. This is what I'd look like "The Morning After"... This poor dude is HUNG OVER. He probaly feels like he just watched 'In the Army Now' over and over. He even stabbed his teddy bear over night, brah... That's serious beer drinking, German style. THAT'S HOW THEY ROLL, SON!
Musically they stayed fast, thrashy and furious. You really can't tell the difference between these 2 records, which is great since they are so good. TMA maybe a bit faster over all and includes "Try Again", which is a pretty punky song with scream alongs. This is the song they probably did as an encore and had all the drunken fans onstage screaming. If they didn't they should have! The title track is great, too. It might as well be an Excel cover.

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This record, I listened to the first time in the last few years. I was going through a sentimental metal revival and I downloaded it via Napster, when Napster was real. "Alien" has to be my favorite all around release by the German beer-drinking thrashers. It's probably their most 'famous' record. It's a 5 song EP. It's a total classic with songs like "666 Packs" and a new version of "Empty Tankard". The cover is, of course, awesome. A beer-drinking alien riding a magical fridge full of, you guessed it, beer. This alien dude became Tankard's Eddie and was in a bunch more covers to come.

I wonder how drunk this Russian dude was when he got this done. Very, very drunk, I hope.
The dude with the Slayer shirt, is the Russian Jon Bon Jovi.

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After "Alien" I lost touch with Tankard. One of those things, you know? People grow apart, I guess. I heard "The Meaning of Life" only once and I was happy to hear that it sounded like Tankard. The only reason I wanted to talk about this record is because the cover is simply brilliant. Not very metal, but I'd love to have the original art framed in my kitchen, or my laundry room (if I had one). The Pope, Mike Tyson and the German Prime Minister drinking beers in one table and Tankard's alien and mad scientist drinking Jack in another. Really fucking rad.

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If you need any convincing why Tankard rulez, check out a list of things I got from their site, verbatim:

- We were reviewed in an English article as "Fat ugly German bastards", thus the self-ironic title for our live album "Fat, Ugly and Live"

- We never get any groupies. The audience is mainly comprised of fat dudes with smelly vests on.

- We never received any recognition from the city of Frankfurt or the beer industry for our contribution to mass alcohol consumption.

- Gerre fell asleep with 3.3 blood-alcohol during an interview on Music Box.

- We make fun of ManOwar on our song: "Sword held higher - who's the liar? - I have the beer of fire!"


Want more? Here's some other cool images I came across while researching for the post:

Well, what do you expect after singing about and drinking beer for 20 years?



Here's Gerre with some fan. Check out his vest! Hella cool patches, brah!
Also notice the dude on the left wearing an OppressorT-shirt. Classic!

"Allo girrlz. My name iz Lex. I livez in Sbitzerland. I ab Tankard tattu und ein kool air-doo. Mine chazthairz iz also sexy. Pliz phone me."


Tankard in '85. These 2 photos make me feel like a poser. Even at the height of my metaldom I wasn't half as metal as these dudes. Notice the hand-made Tankard T-shirt (top left)


Hmmm... OK, buddy!

IMO, Tankard is one of the most underrated bands in 80's euro-thrash. They are WAY better than Running Wild and Mekong Delta. If you haven't given them a chance, don't. It's way too late, they'll sound like shit to you. If anyone has a few extra Euros (5 of them, actually) and feels like giving me a late birthday gift, here's what I want: A Tankard back-motherfuckin'-patch!

Great moments in art history: Spotlight on Poland's TURBO

WARNING: The following post may offend our Polish readers. Please understand that I don't hate Polish people. I have been to Poland and I had a great time. My neighbors are Polish and very nice as far as I can tell. Also, I really like Turbo. "Last Warrior" is an ass-kicking record. Thank you.



Even though they didn't produce any artists, the Medici Family were essential to the growth and development of art in Florence during the High Renaissance. They produced 3 popes, but not a single artist. What they did do was sponsor some of the best of all time. The Medicis were basically responsible for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They sponsored Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo Da Vinci amongst many others.

In the world of High Bad Cover Art in Metal Records, there's a "family" that has been sponsoring horrible cover art since 1981: Poland's Turbo. Sure, Poznan in no Florence, but great art always comes from unexpected places. Some may think that a comparison between Turbo's Wojciech Hoffmann and Lorenzo de' Medici is far-fetched, but believe me when I tell you, my friends, we owe both of these European men for a lot of great, great art.


Turbo started its great journey through the lands of second-rate shitty Eastern European Heavy Metal in 1980. (Trivial, but humorous fact: the band's 3 founding members were all named Wojciech...sorta like Mitch Harris and Mick Harris, except not at all like that). From the beginning of the band it was obvious that they were destined to play an utterly unimportant and forgettable role in Metal History. Turbo was, however, destined for greatness in Metal Inquisition History, which is, of course, way cooler. The fact that they are still together is so scary, I'm just gonna avoid that like I'd avoid a girl who's not that ugly, dresses OK, but has canker sores.

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1982's "Dorosłe Dzieci" (in English: "Fag In Yellow Overalls") was their first full length record. Where to start? Well, the composition is a bit unorthodox, that's for sure. Why is there all that weird negative space to the right? I mean that: why? I guess next we should address the elephant in the room... yeah, the elephant that is gay and wearing yellow overalls. Sure, this idiot looks like a member of 'Kids Incorporated', but he's screaming for heavy metal freedom in 1980's Poland, so I guess we'll have to excuse his retarded attire. Counter-clockwise from there we have Poland's answer to Tony Orlando. He and the bass player are holding hands and stroking the neck of the bass together. Whatever rocks their Polish Heavy Metal boat, I guess. Onto the bass player himself: he wears a sleeveless denim number. I bet you this dude sold his 1977 FSO Syrena 110 to get enough money to buy the vest. I mean, we are talking about a soviet nation in the early 80's... Denim was like gold to these people. Oh, yeah, he also has a pearl bracelet from Tiffany's 1981 collection. The singer is also screaming for freedom, but he wants the freedom to leave this shitty band (which he did after this album). I think he was influenced by Nugent's 'Scream Dream' and in turn influenced Brutal Truth's 'Sounds of the Animal Kingdom'. This last dude I don't get. It's such an obvious Steve Harris impersonation, why bother? Well, the guy is not completely useless, he came in third in a Robert Trujillo look-alike contest at some Funkcore fest in Kiev in 1994.

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Whoa! Hold the presses, we got a live one here! What a beauty! "Kawaleria Szatana" (in English "Down-Syndrome Ghost of Michael Jackson") was Turbo's third album. Like a 5oz. 80% pure Colombian emerald, it is not often that you find a gem like this one. Once in a lifetime type shit right here, gents. Study it for a few seconds. Let the beauty penetrate your heart...your soul. Let your eyes frolic through the beautifully rendered mountains or volcanoes or whatever. Admire the completely fucked perspective on the shoulders of whatever-the-fuck that is, enjoy the gift of the horrible see-though effect the artist blesses us with and rejoice in the puddles at the foot of the mountains that look like maxipads. The artist's name is Zbigniew Kosmalsk. It's in the liner notes. A normal human being would be too embarrassed to claim this piece of 3-day-old vomit as their own, but ol' Zbigy here seems to be proud of it. God bless his lost soul. I'll never understand Polish people... with their 8.5% ABV Tripel beer and those potato thingys they like... beyond me. Anyway, you know, it's the small things that usually make a record cover special. That little gold nugget the artist drops in hoping someone will find it and appreciate it. My dear readers, in this instance that nugget has a name... and it's name is "Rad Shoulder-Pads"!! Please hold your applause until the end.

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The soviet government destroyed a lot of the records in the 80's, so the facts are a bit blurry. For what I can make out Turbo wanted a change of look for their covers as early as November of 1996. I guess Zbigy's work wasn't cutting it anymore or maybe Turbo wanted to go more in a ManOwar, Frazetta direction. For whatever reason, they hired Jerzy Kurczak. Maybe because his name reminded them of New Jersey, home of great artists like... like... whatever... Anyway, Jerzy did the artwork (I use the term loosely, here) for their next album, "Ostatni Wojownik" (in English: "King Arthur never came to Poland, but we saw ManOwar last week"). The cover features a sword in a rock (Fuck, these guys are SO original!) and wraped around it is a Wornake. A Wornake is a half worm, half snake type deal. They are very rare, but not as rare as the horrifying Tomctopus, which is half octopus and half Tom G. Warrior.

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"Turbo Alive!" - Damn! What an original title! These dudes are super creative! Fuck, I wish I'd thought of it. The best part about the title is that the LP is fucking LIVE! Yeah, brilliant, I know. OK, the cover is a typical Frazetta-like deal. One huge difference, tho: I may be wrong, 'cuz I'm no Frazetta expert, but I don't think he ever painted a gigantic potato on a humongous termite hill as a background for any of his pieces. Oh, and there's the annoying little dude from Lord of the Rings on the left... No, not that dude, the other annoying little dude.

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"Last Warrior" was a re-release of some other record or something. I'm not sure. I completely lost interest on their bio after a while. Anyway, you gotta LOVE this monkey-looking guy on the bad-ass horse. I wish it was breathing fire, tho. The Lord of the Rings dude i chillin' in the back. Well, he ain't really chillin', since he's in the middle of the fire. It's probably hot as balls in there. Maybe the monkey-looking guy should put down the sword call the fire department. Hmm, come to think of it, he's got his own problems. Check out the milky semen tentacles trying to trap the horse and shit. Battle on monkey-looking guy!

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In the late 80's Poland was on its way to become a normal country, like America. Turbo was riding the wave of progress and released "Epidemic/Epidemie" in 1989. See? The title is in Polish AND in American! Anyway, onto the cover. We have a couple of naked muscular dudes giving each other back massages. I guess the WWE had gotten to Poland by '89. One of the guys is holding a Polish flag that drives our eye toward the castle. I don't think Edward Scissorhands is home. Below the archway we see: The Grim Reaper! The level of originality of these guys is simply uncanny!

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The last cover we'll look at is 1994's "Dorosłe Dzieci i Inne Ballady" (in English "We Wish Polish Chicks Smoked Peyote") I don't know what to say about this one. Maybe my funny-tank is running low. Some say it's been running low since the mid-90s. Just look at the cover and laugh, ok?

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So, here I leave you. There's 2 things you should take away from this post:
1. Communism is bad.
2. Turbo's music is actually not that bad. Seriously. Unfortunately the way they dress is REALLY horrible. Nice pants there, Comrade!



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