About time: Celtic Frost call it quits (AGAIN)

Yes, it is true! As I write this my eyes are tearing up. Sure it's just 'cuz my office is really dusty, but I'm still sad (sorta...actually, not really) that Tom and Martin have called it quits. Again. Seriously, this band breaks up and gets back together every 3-5 years. I understand that the only choice these Swiss rockers have to re-forming the band is going back to day jobs as bank clerks in the main branch of UBS in Zurich, but c'mon! Have they done anything worth a Swiss Franc since 1987? Strike that, I forgot that "Into the Pandemonium" was as heavy as dirty gramma panties.

By the time "Pandemonium" came out they were already starting to look like glam fags. Still, there something about this shot I really like... The jury is still out on this one.

In their official statement they said "...that any continuation of CELTIC FROST without either one of us would be irreconcilable with our original ideas and detrimental to the group's legacy." Wait a second... wait a second. I'm sure you know where I'm gonna go here... "detrimental to the group's legacy"? Are you fucking kidding me? What would you call "Cold Lake"? Or the photo below? Fuck me! THAT was detrimental!

Jesus, Joseph and Mary! I don't mean to be blasphemous here, but c'mon! Unbuttoned pants with suspenders and no shirt? Fingerless white gloves? Frosted denim? What's missing here? Oh, yeah, denim shorts! The ONLY redeeming wardrobe piece in this shot is what appears to be a calculator watch on Tom G. Warrior's wrist. I point that out 'cuz I'm wearing one as I type. No joke.

In the statement, they also refer to CF as a "truly unique band". But are they really? I happen to know a lot of bands that put out two or three good records and then decided to start sucking asshole. Then, after 15 years of being mocked by their old fans, they decide to "come back", just for said fans to mock them even more in blogs such as this one. Sorry, guys, you're not that "unique."

I'm sorry if you disagree, but this video is WAY more of a joke than St. Anger could ever be.

Listen here: I know how influential CF were. Shit, I have Morbid Tales in my CD player in my car right now, but let's not forget that these clowns are partly responsible for the disease we call black metal.

Thanks for nothing you Swiss fuckers!

If we're gonna dedicate post after post to making fun of Danzig and Metallica, I think we should do at least one post to celebrate yet another passing of the band with the highest awesome-to-shitpile ratio in the history of metal. So, here is to Tom G. Warrior and 17 other guys who were in CF at one point or another. May you have a happy retirement and see you again when the money runs out in 2-5 years!

Hey Tom, do I detect a mild case of Robb Flynn's Disease?

"After the battle is over
And the sands drunken the blood
All what there remains
Is the bitterness of delusion"
Exactly! You said it best...

Can you think of a better band than BODY COUNT?? No.

Lucho Metales studied this photo carefully for fashion tips back in the early 90s

This article is about the band. For the number of people killed in an event, see body count. For the game, see Operation: Body Count. For the film, see Below Utopia.

BC BC BC BODY COUNT MOTHERFUCKER!!

Of all the thousands of albums I've owned over the years, the zillions of hours I've spent going to shows, it is with the utmost confidence that I say the ones that involved Body Count were the best. I own all their records and I am happy to say I've seen them three times. I could literally write a twelve-volume series about how much I love Body Count, but in the interest of brevity I will simply leave you with some of my favorite Body Count moments.

1. "Strippers"
My Body Count experience are like my children: it's hard to single out just one as my favorite. But if I had to choose one child, even if it meant condemning the rest to death, it would be the incredible lyrics to "Strippers," off of "Born Dead":

A porno star, you're in 3-D,
you're right in front of me,
under the strobe lights,
moving that ass right, lap dance,
I'm 'bout to bust in my pants.
Goddamn baby, take my money,
take my life, I'll diss friends,
I'll leave my wife.
Every night I'm in the front row waitin.
Contemplating, masturbating.
Tell me what to do and it's done,
You whisper in my ear tell me
I'm the one,
last night I think I gave you 15 hun,
but as for a date, I can't get one.
Strippers
I want my dick sucked.
Strippers
I wanna bust a nut.
(MONOLOGUE)
CHORUS
You're worse than a whore,
you won't fuck.
I wanna fuck you so damn bad
I'll give you anything you want
you can have my pad.
Girl I'll kill for you,
take my jewels, my cash.
Just put that pussy on my dick
and baby move that ass.
Your tits are so fat, I wanna
suck 'em dry
Push your clit near my face, I just
might try
Stick that ass out, stick it out baby,
you simulate your suckin my dick
drives me crazy.
I wanna ram it in your ass right now,
tonight baby I think I gave ya damn
near two thou,
you push your puss on my dick
you make my balls turn blue -
Don't make me rape you.
Strippers
CHORUS

Now I am a huge fan of pornogrind, and I can listen to Gut, AC, Meatshits, and Cemetery Rapist without batting an eyelash, but this is a whole new level of misogyny that is shocking and more than a little bit disturbing even to someone like me that thinks "Women, Nature's Punching Bag" is hilarious. But there is something about the menacing tone of Ice-T's voice when he says "I wanna ram it in ya ass right now" that makes me say, "Ice, I can't stay mad at you!!"

2. Warped Tour 1997
The second time I saw Body Count was at Warped Tour in 1997 or something, the same one that Eminem, the Vandals and Blink-182 played. I think Skarhead also played this show. Anyhow, Ice-T played several Body Count songs in his set, and everybody booed. It was a tough crowd: a bunch of teenage punk rockers that definitely weren't trying to watch Ice, Mooseman, Beatmaster V, Ernie C and D Rock get down.

But Ice kept his cool. He said, "All y'all motherfuckers booin, you probably think Ice-T shouldn't be up on this stage. You think I don't know shit about punk rock, about heavy metal, but you know what? I did joints with motherfuckin' Slayer. I did a joint with The Exploited. So fuck you!"

And I had to hand it to the crowd, because they acknowledged that Ice had made a very convincing argument. I mean The Exploited are arguably the worst band ever to play a note of music, and Slayer has always been average at best, but he certainly established his credibility. I could see everyone kind of shrug and turn to their friends as if to say "You know, he's got a point!" And from then on, those punk-ass kids gave Ice the respect he deserved.



3. Their covers

Their first album had a legitimately sweet cover. This image was great because, along with the lyrics and music, it represented everything that scared the shit out of white people in 1991. Contrast with the famous and extremely un-intimidating image of Tupac that you can buy posters of at flea markets everywhere in which he looks like he's maybe pushing 135 soaking wet.

Now this one, I'm not sure what happened. I know that Ice was just trying to convey the unique patois of urban residents, but "Mothaf'ck'n' Dead!" feels about as authentic as "Honkey Grandma Be Trippin'."

See how the one crib looks like a coffin, and it has cobwebs on it? That's because one of the infants in this otherwise unremarkable (although poorly organized) nursery was BORN DEAD!!