We all know what fags designers are, right?
Fashion designers,
industrial designers (I know they
sound tough, but they aren't) and, of course,
graphic designers. Graphic designers are the
dickless shits responsible for the
UPS trucks being that ugly-ass brown and for those
uber-gay
ipod ads. Yeah, yeah, you're cool. You know how to push a few buttons in some crappy Adobe program and you think you are better than the rest of us. I know a few graphic designers here and there and, believe me, they actually think that what they do is important. I'm not kidding. With the exception of
actors, graphic designers are the most
narcissistic, arrogant,
big headed, proud, conceited, immodest, vain, self-important, self-satisfied, self-righteous and self-involved people in the planet. Don't believe me? Go to a bookstore and check out the graphic design section. There are hundreds and hundreds of books by designers for designers about design. They think that what they do is
so vital that the world needs book after book about design. In reality, they just wanna make themselves feel better about sitting in front of an over priced
ibook making pretty pictures all day.
One of these books caught my eye recently and it illustrates just how out-of-touch these
black-turtleneck-wearing fags really are. The book is called "BAND ID- The Ultimate Book of Band Logos". Wow! We're lucky it's the ultimate one. See? Even in their book titles they exaggerate their importance. Anyway, this collection was put together by this dude named
Bodhi Oser. He's basically a hippie looser from Venice Beach, who wouldn't last a second in a serious
Biohazard pit. So, what does he know about metal? Nothing, but the combination of his ignorance and his self-righteousness make for a funny-ass book.
I know the pics are blurry and crappy, but I "borrowed" the book from this dude in my office while he was in the crapper, so I was short on time,
y'know?
I can see why designers would like this logo. It's sorta
symmetrical and shit, but that "L" looks like an "S" with down syndrome. I still can't get over the thought of some trendy
faggy designers sitting around a conference room table discussing
whether or not the Death Angel logo would "make the cut". It's just fucking
preposterous.
I always loved the Anthrax logo. I'm not sure why. Maybe '
cuz it's not
symmetrical, like the other thrash metal logos of the time. The Nuclear Assault logo is chuck-full-o-horribleness. I find the "E" and the double "SS" offensive on grounds of really bad typographical balance.
Emperor and their shitty logo, with skinny Ethiopian letters, can suck my balls. So can
Mortiis. I'm sure he did the logo himself. God, it's as terrible as his "music". On a more positive note, Death's logo is bad-ass. Sure, the "T" is three times thicker than the rest of the letters, but it's a cross! Upside-down? Not really. It's a mystery, just like why the band started to suck shit after Leprosy. I love the Napalm Death logo, simply because it's
obvious the original was rendered by a 16 year old using a ball-point pen.
Obituary and Venom are two of the
radest logos in the book and they share a page! Wait, maybe the author knew something about metal
after all... Nah, beginner's luck.
BARF! This whole page is shit. The
Moonspell logo would be cool if the letters were fatter and more manly, but I guess that's something black metal knows nothing about, huh? My Dying Bride's logo looks like Micheal J. Fox drew it.
Cradle of Filth and
Hatebreed suck,
fuck'em. I probably stand alone here, but I love Pungent Stench, therefore my judgement on their logo is biased. I have the Been Caught Buttering t-shirt and I wear it all the time to this very day.
Hahaha! Overkill shares the page with a whole bunch of
other shitty bands!
Morbid Angel's logo has probably won multiple awards in the design community as the shittiest logo in history. And that probably included the "logo" from "Tacos Pedrito
", a tiny
taqueria by my house. God, look at that "A"! It's as painful as their music! The "G" holding the pitchfork has to be the worst use of a
letter form since
cuneiform was invented in 3000BC.
Dark Throne's looks like it was done in ink and they left it outside when it was raining. In a Norwegian forest, of course.
I like
Entombed's logo and I think Carcass' looks like a used tampon. The Chasm, Usurper and Hate
Eternal's logos were designed to give
Morbid Angel's a run for it's money. Congrats guys, you almost made it.
I don't know what to say about this page, other than:
WTF!? Municipal Waste? I'm pretty sure Seth Putnam never thought that his retarded doodles of assholes and
vaginas would end up in a book about logos.
Hmmm...
Nox needs to... I don't know what they need to do, but whatever it is it should be funny and make them
disappear. Forever.
The only good thing about the Scorpions logo is that I could re-create it on my shitty PC as a kid by just using a
pre-loaded font. Other than that this page is pretty rad. Maiden, Priest, Annihilator and Testament. Solid bands, solid logos.
If I had real testicles when I was 15, all 3 of these logos would be tattooed on my body. Thank God I didn't grow balls until I was 20! Well, I don't think the Obituary tattoo is much better.
Another 3 logos I'd tattoo on my body. The Exodus one is a little weak, '
cuz the "E" and the "S" are all slouched, but it's still pretty metal.
Kreator and Destruction logos adorned every other page in my notebooks in school for years.
I'm not sure what to make of the little bat flying over the Kind
Diamond logo, but other than that
KD's is a classic logo and, like their music, way better than
Merciful Fate's. I know I'm gonna get the typical "you don't know what you're talking about,
MF rule." blabber. Save it,
MF sucks.
You know what doesn't suck? Slayer logos. It's tough to judge the logo of such an awesome metal band without allowing their
awesomeness get in the way of your
judgement, but the sword pentagram is SO bad-ass that just drawing it makes you more metal. The newer one they used on "Seasons" sucks. It's basically a font. It's called
Ironwood. It fucking sucks.
Hmmm... I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you all that I'm a graphic designer
How many of you were surprised that the asshole who has this tattoo is wearing white hi-tops, and white ankle socks. Anyone? No? Good. I wasn't either.
This picture is proof that men are not only idiots, but also gross. Look at that disgusting armpit hair, or whatever body part that is. I've never felt so hetero in my life.
The Sarge and I saw Fear Factory some years ago in what was basically a midwestern parking lot. They played a Pantera song, and we both got the douche chills. This is the kind of tattoo that the dude who has it would show to the band members with great pride. The band members would then go "uh....wow...really? Sheesh. Wow."
Look, I know that the guy's dead and everything. It's sad, wah, wah, wah...but how big of a douche do you have to be to get this on your arm? I can just picture the guy getting it constantly reminding the tattoo dude "remember to make the goatee red, it's very important. I'm a huge fan of how he looked during the Far Beyond Driven years!"
This guy is my hero. I'm not being ironic. He's rad.
Late addition, suggested by a reader in the comments section. I don't even know where to start! The awful rendering with the fu-manchu mustache, the hat, the goatee, the pimples on Dimebag's forehead....oh and did I mention the Heavy Metal logo?
Who is the only person dumber than Max Cavalera? The guy who gets a tattoo of Max Cavalera.
Now this, my friends, is commitment. I would love to meet this guy and tell him "I'm a real Queensryche fan, not like you" just to watch his blood boil and his head blow up.
