Monday, March 10, 2008
Robb Flynn's Disease—Pathology
As we have stated here at Metal Inquisition before, Robb Flynn's disease is a very serious condition which plagues the metal world today. We will try to explain R.F.D. (as we will refer to it hereafter in this post) for the benefit and edification of our readers.
R.F.D. (named after Robb Flynn, previously of the band Vio-Lence, now of Machine Head) usually strikes aging, out of step metal fossils. The disease usually hits hardest when the victim was originally (and only slightly) known for being in one band which is no longer around, and more than likely played a style that has fallen out of favor with today's audiences. Though most of those who suffer from this disease are musicians who are broke and desperate, some partial mutations of the disease have also struck somewhat successful musicians such as Kerry King and Scott Ian.
Individuals dealing with the disease will take on certain characteristics best suited for 15 year old ravers in Kansas, in a pathetic, last ditch effort to remain somewhat relevant and "with it". Often seen as a crucial part of any last ditch effort in the musical arena, R.F.D. is often seen by those who suffer from it as a new lease on life. Think of it as the metal equivalent of automotive oil that is especially formulated for high millage cars.
Individuals who are suffering from R.F.D. will most often exhibit at least two of the following symptoms.
1. Individual gets facial piercings way too late in life (see Robb Flynn, and Dave Chavarri of Ill Niño)
2. Grows dreadlocks (see Max Cavalera)
3. Is seen wearing oversized pants (see Chris Banes wearing JNCOs, and Kerry King's oversized orange camo pants)
4. Grows "wacky" facial hair, most often a goatee which can be dyed, braided, parted or grown into dreadlocks (a fantastic double whammy)
5. Accessorizes already terrible, ill fitting attire with items such as chain wallets, goggles (this includes unusual sunglasses ala Kerry King) and the like.
6. Individual will shave his head, seemingly attempting to emulate a young, hip look...but in reality does so to hide his balding.
Note that these symptoms are often accompanied (though not always) by a propensity towards playing third rate nu metal, with slightly hip-hop influenced drum beats (see Soulfly, Machine Head).
Dave Chavarri of Ill Niño (Previously from Gothic Slam)
Scott Ian of Anthrax
Kerry King of Slayer
Max Cavalera of Cavalera Conspiracy and Soulfly
(formerly of Sepultura)
(formerly of Cannibal Corpse, now of Six Feet Deep)
In closing, I should mention briefly that the world of metal is not alone in facing issues such as R.F.D. Oh no. The world of hip-hop has faced a somewhat similar scourge, which I refer to as "Funky Headhunter Syndrome", named after MC Hammer's 1994 album in which he sadly threw his hat into the gangsta' rap ring. The hat was quickly thereafter picked up from said ring, and thrown back at him. The album was chock full of Dr. Dre style production, and MC Hammer suddenly began wearing prison garb (ala NWA). I don't want to dwell on this subject (this is METAL Inquisition after all) but I'd like to share this graphic with you to illustrate this last point, and to let our readers know that we are NOT alone in this battle.