Friday, March 7, 2008

Lonn Friend Explains The Intricacies Of Death Metal To The Masses

Yesterday's post regarding Lonn Friend (editor of Rip Magazine, and douchebag extraordainare) made me have to go reach deep within my video vaults to pull footage to add to the discourse. When I say I reached deep in the vaults, I mean deep...I had to plug in the Betamax machine (and no, I'm not kidding).

Below you will find the much talked about "Friend At Large" segment for Headbanger's Ball in which he basically breaks down what death metal is all about...and gets most of it terribly wrong. The guy is so insanely annoying too, that you just want to die a million times over while watching this clip. Morbid Angel = Kiss, Helmet is a death metal band from Seattle, Death are the Led Zeppelin of death metal....Oy.

Our friend Lonn does credit Mike Gitter, with having helped him figure out the complex world of death metal. Mike Gitter, by the way, is another genius mostly known as an A&R for labels who signed many third rate punk and hardcore-ish bands in the 90's, helping them all decline into nothingness. Today he signs terrible bands for Roadrunner. Watch and learn. And then eat your cyanide capsule.


  1. argh... that's 1000x stupider than i remembered. jesus christ. luckily, i keep a cyanide pill in my wallet for just such an occasion. chomp!

  2. ugh. i forgot about how big of a douche he was.

  3. seriously this makes roger martinez seem charismatic.

  4. a little piece of me just died...

  5. For me the best part by far was referring to Dismember as "fiercely literate"!? What the fuck!? Why hasn't every Dismember album since that very moment been stickered with a "fiercely literate" quote on the front!? Ha, ha, ha... Fucking classic.

    Yet another reason why this is one of the greatest sites on the internet.

  6. Here's a fine example of why Dismember were "fiercely literate", from "like an ever flowing stream"

    Agonized terrified horrified
    Emotions brutalized
    Crucified nailed to the cross
    With spikes through my hands
    I shall die upon this cross
    All by myself
    Salvations lost
    Soon to be dead

    Consider me as another victim
    Of their plans
    But my choice
    Is not your [fucking] jesus christ

    these guys deserve the nobel prize in literature

  7. Cocaine+Overwhelming sense of self-importance=Lonn Friend.

  8. Sweet mother of fuck, I don't even know where to begin here.

  9. I did a metal show on college radio '89-'91, and I dealt with dozens of these corporate-underground blood-sucking tools every week. The music industry is a terrible, terrible thing.

  10. That fucking magazine truly sucked limp cold tool. RIP was a worthless piece of shit that wasn't even good as toilet paper. The whole fucking thing was nothing but articles about hanging out with Guns n goddamned Roses & Skid fucking Row. The reviews were a joke too. What kind of name is Lonn Friend anyway?

  11. fucking fuck! ok, ok...let me get my thoughts together here. first of all; lucho, thank you for posting this...and now, here's a list of things that just ruined my life:

    - godflesh is one of danzig's favorite bands? why in the fucking hell should i care what that fat fuck listens to? im burning my streetcleaner CD first thing tomorrow morning.

    - autopsy rules. how DARE this deepshit mention them!?

    - why should i care that he has a "cool" sepultura special edition CD? i have a special edition for this dbag...a special edition louisville fucking slugger to the groin, motherfucker!

    - ok, 'left hand path' is an awesome record, BUT entombed THE best DM band? considering the source, i'd take offense to this, if i were entombed.

    - hey, fuckface! ignorance called. she needs you back in the office PRONTO. earache is from nottingham, england. they just have an shitty office in NY. on 38th street. i've been there. it's sad.

    - uhm...i know what 'literate' means, lonn. you dont have to explain. thanks, tho. asshole.

    - fudge tunnel can lick my sweaty balls. but i guess they are good, cuz they have 'high-gloss packaging'... who fucking doesn't? i can pull 'high-gloss' shit out of my ass and make you eat it, lonn.. how's THAT for fucking shitbag?

    im gonna go jump of the balcony now. if i survive, please shoot me in the face when you see me. i dont want to live in a world with this cum-bucket.

  12. RIP magazine was SOOOOOO bad that it was outlived by Metal Edge AND Circus. My god.

  13. i'm not from the US, so up until now i was blissfully ignorant of this guy, but i dare anyone who claims they don't have a violent streak to watch this clip and tell me they don't wanna just cut this guy's face and then soak it in diarrhea.

    the cadence, the attitude, the ignorant arrogance... just...

    just die!!!

  14. wow. one of the best videos I've seen in a while! Just the way he says the word "death" makes you want to smash him in the face with a shovel. good times

  15. my least favourite memories of watching headbangers ball on sattelite, save rachtman himself, were the lonn cigar segments and this reminds me of why. ugh...

  16. Was the original version in 3D?

    Is that why he keeps waving his face and the cd's back and forth in front of the camera?

  17. Seriously, somebody should remove that from youtube immediately! This blog is cool and all but I do not wanna see shit like that again.

  18. Here in Italy we had dozens of douche bags like that guy Lonn...they all wrote for toilet paper magazines like Metal Shock, Rumore, Psycho, etc.


  19. his flip-flops match the color of the soundgarden logo. the sad part is, i don't think it was accidental.