My retarded metal scrapbook, part 2

Here we have further proof of my self-important delusions of grandeur, circa 1992. Archived for your pleasure, numerous receipts of my musical purchases around that time, which I thoroughly believed would be displayed int he Smithsonian at one point.

Sacred Rich "Question", Rightouts Pigs "Stress Related", Brujeria 7", Misifts "Evilive", Death Kennedys "Give me Convenience"

Believer "Extraction", Broken Bones and Tankard cassettes, Slayer "Decade of Aggression", DRI "Crossover", Wehrmacht LP and Metallica "One" 45-single, Slayer cassette, and DOA cassette, Sacred Reich "Surf Nicaragua"

My retarded metal scrapbook

Once upon a time, when my white high-tops were high, and my mullet flowed effortlessly down the back of my neck, I honestly believed that I was destined for greatness. Considering what I wore at the time (black sweatpants, massive amounts of Brut cologne and an assortment of metal shirts), it's fair to say that the greatness I believed to be destined for lay somewhere within the musical spectrum. Perhaps—I thought—I'll get to be the drummer of one of these new death metal bands from Florida (the time being the early 90s and all). My dream was to make multiple thousands of dollars a year, and maybe get to live in the same outdoor storage facility that Chuck Schuldiner from Death lived in near my family's apartment. That, to me, would have been a great success.

Why bring this up? Why do I share my most personal dreams and aspirations? Because I recently found proof of how severe my delussions of grandeur were back then. Though the tendency that my brother and I had for archiving every receipt of every tape and album that we bought back then (starting in 1990) could simply be chalked up to our packrat/fastidous tendencies...I would now argue something else. Deep inside my head, the one with the flowing and elegant mullet, I believed that one day these would be museum pieces. Behind bullet proof glass, in temperature controlled comfort, these receipts would be displayed in the halls of the Smithsonian, or some other similarly impressive institution. Visitors would "oooh" and "ahhh" as they saw when I bought my first Sacred Reich or Kreator cassette. 

That of course, was my dream.

Reality, as is often the case, is much simpler. My celebrity status never came. I never became the drummer of a famed Florida death metal band, and these receipts have yet to be accepted into the Smithsonian. As such, today they are simply what they were then. A sad and retarded metal scrapbook, which I retain to this day.

Receipts for Entombed "Crawl", Napalm Death home video, Autopsy "Fiend For Blood" EP, Broken Hope LP, Prophecy of Doom/Axegrinder split cassette, SOD album, Morgoth CD, Napalm Death's "Utopia Banished"

Metal Spokesmen: An Overview (Part 2 of 3)

This is part 2 of a three part post about the value of spokesmen in the realm of metal.



Ron Popeil is perhaps the best known TV spokesman. He has talked millions of lonely housewives into buying less than amazing products like Mr Microphone, GLH (Great Looking Hair), Chop-O-Matic and the Showtime Rotisserie. Upon seeing his picture, you can surely tell that Ron Popeil and Iron Maiden's Eddie have at least one thing in common. Their looks. Aside from that, Eddie and Ron were both true pioneers in the world of spokesmen. What does that mean? Like the true pro that he is, Ron always showed us his products in the best light possible, even going to great lengths (cutting shoes in half with Ginsu knives) to do so. Similarly, spokesmen in the realm of metal have to do their job...regardless as to whether the album is a winner (Iron Maiden's Powerslave) or an absolute dud (Laaz Rockit's....well, any of their albums). Let's take a closer look at the spokesmen that made us buy the albums.

In this post, as in the last one, I will rate spokesmen according to my Metal Spokesman Metrics (MSM for short). Remember: the scores I will give are for the spokesperson, not the band or their output.



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Not Man

Not Man certainly looks like an anti-semitic depiction of a jewish merchant, but Scott and Danny are jewish....so maybe it's all in my head.

I have to confess that back in the day Anthrax was one of my absolute favorites, and as a result I'm slightly biased on this one. Even though I grew up in a rather cold city, I made my mom buy me bermuda shorts simply because of Anthrax. Ugh, how embarrassing.

Never known to shy away from humor or lightheartedness, Anthrax enlisted the Not Man as their spokesperson mid-way through their career. Forgive me for not knowing, but I'm still unsure as to where the hell the Not Man came from. Is it modeled after the rubber faces you could buy from the gumball machines? Was it drawn by the guy from MAD Magazine, or was that only for the one drawing on State Of Euphoria? Did Scott Ian draw it while looking into his crystal ball in order to let us know what he would look like as an aging jewish man? I don't know.

Coolness: 8
Evilness: 0
Backpatch worthiness: 8

Total MSM score: 16



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Creepy Sphere



Perhaps one of the oddest spokesmen in metal is the Pestilence creepy-sphere. Much in the way that their music tried to stretch the meaning of metal, so too did their choice in spokesman/spokesphere. An unusual choice, Pestilence creepy sphere is a slightly evolved version of the those gazing balls that fat people put on their front lawns. Had Pestilence come around earlier with their magic sphere, perhaps Mordred would have been tempted to pursue granting spokesman status to the checkerboard pattern on their cover of Fool's Game. The same could be said for the checkerboard pattern in Broken Hope's Swamped In Gore. If you can have a sphere as a spokesman, why not a checkerboard pattern?


But back to Pestilence. Perhaps one of Dan Seagrave's most haunting artistic statements, the creepy sphere is the only truly inanimate spokesman I can think of. I can picture an infomercial for a Pestilence album, where the sphere sits there, silently for long stretches of time. Though that may sound odd, many people have reported that listening to Pestilence feels a lot like staring at a sphere that does nothing for hours. So at least, it would be an accurate depiction of the product. I have to confess that many years ago, I saw that Dan Seagrave was selling the original artwork for the cover that you see above. I was like $850, and for a split second I considered getting it. I know, I'm an idiot for having considered it, and an idiot for not having done it. Can you imagine me giving people a tour of my house, and proudly saying "oh this old thing....it's just an original Dan Seagrave...from the Pestilence album 'Testimony of the ancients'. Are you familar with his work?" I would be both the lamest and the coolest guy ever...at the same time!

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 1 (Though certainly not evil, a metal sphere thing sitting there in my room would be kinda' scary I guess...especially if it just appeared suddenly.)
Backpatch worthiness: 4

Total MSM score: 11



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Surfin' Dude

He's surfing on a casket lid, while wearing a helmet and carrying a bomb? Uh...okay. Man, the 80s were a weird time.

The 80s were an odd time in the world of thrash and speed metal. How else can you explain a band using the word "Reich" in their name, then having their spokesperson have concentration camp-style tattoos on his arm, and STILL be considered "politically aware" and "socially-conscious"? Weird stuff. Perhaps if I could quickly board the Nocturnus time machine, and travel back to 1988 I would understand things better...because I'm having trouble remembering how any of this made any sense back then. Anyway, their surfin' dude was only used on a couple of covers and shirts, but he certainly embodied the band's brand. Though nicely tan and in shape, the guy had a built in gas mask...perhaps due to all the toxic waste in the ocean that every thrash band was obsessed with. Today, you really CAN surf Nicaragua. This site proves it. surfnicaragua.com


Coolness: 8
Evilness: 4 (He's surfing for god's sake! What's he going to do next? Get fish tacos and ride his cruiser bike down the boardwalk?)
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 19


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The Voivod

Half-skull, and half-tank "The Voivod" (as the band's spokesman is known) has been an enigma to me ever since I saw an interview where members of the band tried to explain the concept in their faulty english.

I've heard like five interviews where members from Voivod try to explain how their band is a concept band, and how it has to do with technology or something...I still don't understand it. I think this skull dude is called "The Voivod" based on an interview I saw once, but I'm not even sure. Some say this thing is called "Korgull", but I don't know. Look, since I'm not a native speaker of the English language, and I have an accent myself, I can tell you this without risking being labeled a xenophobe...I don't understand a damn thing French Canadians say. They sound retarded. I know I probably do too...but god damn.


Coolness: 9
Evilness: 6 (Okay, so he's a skull and pretty evil looking...but he has wires and stuff hanging out. That means that if I were engaged in battle with him, I could just pee on him, and he would short out.)
Backpatch worthiness: 10

Total MSM score: 25


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Mad Butcher




The first Destruction album I heard back in the day was that live one where they played "In The Mood" and the Pink Panther theme song. As a result, I never thought of them as being particularly evil or metal...I mean, nothing says "metal" like a good Glenn Miller tune. Having said that, the Mad Butcher was plenty evil. Though only used in a couple of occasions, the Mad Butcher was certainly identifiable as Destruction's spokesman. Like their fellow Germans Helloween, however, Destruction suffered as its brand became fragmented.


As stated before regarding Helloween's spokesman schizophrenia, Destruction's brand fragmentation most likely came about as a result of their German heritage. Being from a country still coming to terms with its own fragmented political past (pre and post war), created a dual personality that came to the surface in its most visible form via Destruction and Helloween's artwork. The cracked skull that Destruction used in multiple covers was, oddly enough, NOT used in their less than amazing album (and Ice-T's favorite) Cracked Brain. I should point out, that brains don't usually crack, skulls do. Though I guess a brain could crack, as a figure of speach...but that's not the point, now is it? Due to this confussion, I will judge the butcher only.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 6
Backpatch worthiness: 5

Total MSM score: 17


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Helicopter-head lawnmower operator


In Lawnmower Deth's artowrk, Dan Seagrave showed us his true versatility as an artist. Known to most as the guy that painted the lobster claws in Sepultura's Arise cover, Dan wanted to stretch his wings and draw terrible artwork with a different theme. It was with this mindset that Dan's mind gave birth to whatever the hell this green sphere with a helicopter head is. Reminiscent of Tankard's green alien (which itself looked like a Gremlin), this spokesman was created to accurately depict the fun-loving and insanely annoying quality of the band. At first, these green monsters were the operators of lawnmowers, but at some point they became versatile enough to stand on their own. Not opposed to working with other lawn equipment, they were also depcited working with chainsaws.

I remember listening to Lawnmower Deth back in the day, and thinking they were amazingly funny. Today, I would rather chomp on multiple cyanide capsules at once.

Coolness: 2
Evilness: 0
Backpatch worthiness: 2

Total MSM score: 4


Part 3 will be posted on Friday and will feature Megadeth, Manowar, Sodom and more. Stay tuned!

Where are they now: Mike Browning edition

If you're anything like me, Nocturnus is still probably your favorite drummer-fronted, Florida death metal to feature keyboards, and deal with the subject of time travel extensively. Because I continue to hold this band in such high regard, it was only logical that a thorough investigation be launched by the M.I. investigative staff regarding the whereabouts of the band's leader and frontman, Mike Browning. Below are the results of our investigation:

Mike continues to live in Tampa, Florida, where he earns between 30-45 thousand dollars a year, according to his MySpace profile. He owns the home he lives in, which he bought for only $45,000 in 1995. He lives behind a pawn shop (location, location, location!), where he apparently manages to score additions to his collection of Egyptian artifacts.

Mike's house is the one with a dark roof, directly behind the pawn shop.

These days, Mike has diverse interests ranging from dressing up as an Egyptian pharaoh, to playing the bongos while being dressed up as a pharaoh. Oh, and he's also into Kabbalah. First Madonna, then Aston Kutcher and now Mike Browning? Damn. Anyway, here are some images to quench the unbelievable thirst that comes with not having seen your musical hero for many years. Enjoy.

Here we see Mike playing the bongos while contemplating his musical career. Check out all the cool candle holders he's scored at the pawn shop over the years. Poor Mike, he sang about a "Lake Of Fire", but all he can afford now are a few candles from Ikea.




In this picture we see his two cars, and it also teaches us that if you're metal, you don't need a driveway...just park in the dirt. Check out the wicker chair and the wind chimes in the porch.




These are Mike's dogs, a rottweiler and a half-wolf/half-german shepherd. I should point out that owning a half-wolf is illegal in Florida unless you have a at least 2 1/2 acres of land and are granted a special, Class II Wildlife Permit by the Florida Game and Freshwater Fish Commission, but I'm sure Mike has all his paperwork in order. Why does Mike have these two menacing dogs? so that the droids wont enter his house while he's away. Get it? It's a joke!

Anyway, the inside of the house is exactly what you'd expect: stained carpets, and one of those awful area rugs with a wolf on it, the kind that is sold out of a van on the side of the road. (See the image below). Note the scratches on the door from the dogs trying to get out, due to Mike going on and on about how he was in Morbid Angel once. Can you blame the poor dogs?





Nothing says "evil" like pure American muscle. I'm with you there Mike. Sweet skull licence plate holder by the way.

Mike's way into marine life AND Photoshop! He's a true renaissance man, just consider his wildly varied interests.

Mike appears to be a huge fan of Steve Martin's early work.

What is it about Egypt that so captures the imagination of metal musicians? Fist there was Nile, and now we find out that Mike Browning has been parading around his house in Cleopatra make-up while wearing pirate-style shirts. Did he travel back in time with the Nocturnus time machine and end up in Egyptian times? Did the guys from Nile go with him? Why didn't they all stay there? I guess we'll never know.



PS: Before anyone points it out, I realize that my use of the "Things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine" label is contradictory to say the least. If Mike Browning and Nocturnus weren't around, neither would the very time machine I speak of. The use of this label puts the very space/time continium into question. So, while problematic, this notion is nevertheless highly descriptive of the feelings commonly held regarding both the band and their musical/lyrical output.

In My Closet—D.I.Y. Morbid Angel Shirt

The year was 1991, and I was lucky enough to be living in the epicenter of death metal culture, Florida. Earache records could do no wrong then (we'll just try to forget Fudge Tunnel for the sake of this piece), and Chuck Schuldiner was practically reinventing death metal as he and an impressive list of studio musicians recorded "Human" in Morrisound Studios. It was a heady time for sure.

My family was broke as hell at the time, and sadly we could not afford proper metal attire for me to wear. Yes, I did manage to buy an Obituary back patch at the record store next to Bird Bowl in Miami...but that took months of saving. If I wanted a metal shirt, I was on my own. Back in the day, we didn't just buy our shirts. By god, we made them.

Enter Mr Delpino. Mr Delpino was a bug eyed drunkard of an art teacher at the school I attended. He was best known for multiple stints in rehab, drinking on the job (out of milk jugs he kept under his desk) and speaking to the class through a lapel clip-on mike. He would often leave the classroom as he was teaching, only to keep on teaching through the microphone. Hearing him take a piss in the bathroom through the small speaker at the front of the room as he continued to talk is something I'll never forget.

Anyway, I signed up to take his class because I heard that he allowed students to do silkscreening during and after class. I was hooked. During that semester I produced three shirts, the highlight of which is this fine Morbid Angel shirt you see here. I wore this shirt proudly all the time back then, knowing it was a one-of-a-kind item. It worked well with my black sweatpants. In retrospect, I'm not sure why I picked a white t shirt (the two other shirts are white also), except that perhaps I already had the shirts, and my mom refused to buy me black ones so I could screw them up by screening crap on them. It was an unusual choice for metal shirts to be sure, but also a smart one considering the blistering Florida sun. I was super metal AND weather conscious. What a combo. Ladies....I was a catch!


Looking at it now, I think the most redeeming quality of the shirt is the design in the front. I'm not sure where I came up with the idea for doing a typographic representation of the song "Immortal Rites", much less combining it with Morbid Angel's pentagram/cross/6 combo. A good bit of work seems to have gone into the word "immortal", while "rites" seems like an after thought. As I think about it now, I'm sure my mom was thrilled when I brought the shirt home. Not only had I ruined my white t shirt, but I had chosen to put this crap on it? Great. Unlike many people my age who look back on their younger years in shame, I look at this shirt with pride. Well, okay...and also some shame.

Great moments in art history: Broken Hope

I remember nearly falling asleep while Broken Hope played at the Milwakee Metal Fest one year. We were all waiting for Suffocation, but Broken Hope had to play first. Damn it. Much has been made of how insanely generic they were/are, but one thing that can't be disputed is their unbelievable taste in cover artwork.

It was around the early 90's that many bands switched from using the preferred media of airbrushing, to oil paint for their artwork. Broken Hope's "Swamped In Gore" is typical of what some may call the second wave in death metal oil painting cover art.

Please note the following:

1. A green chess board? Huh? I'm happy that the guy learned how to use perspective and all..but what is the message? Is life one big game? I'm confused as hell.

2. Why are the two eyeballs (with tails) being propped up by toothpicks? They remind me of these little hours dourves my mom used to make for guests. Damn, now I'm hungry.

3. Why is the weird retarded dead guy just floating around? I think this is like the Matrix or something. A Matrix of generic death metal where retarded dead people float around looking for fancy snack eyeballs on toothpicks? Maybe. But what about the chess board?

4. Why does the retarded dead guy have a large cartoon-style magnet on his head/brain? Why is it pointing towards the band logo? Dan Seagrave could have done such a better job. Just look at the blood on the dude's ribs. It's all thick, like jelly.

5. Why are there sesame seeds chasing the retarded guy's ear? Damn, I'm getting hungry again.

6. Why is a skeleton guy creeping up behind the retarded guy, lurking in the shadows? That skeleton guy is up to no good retarded dead guy! You better watch out!

7. The laughing skull with fire around it (a Ghost Rider reference?) is clearly the one thing that the dude spent the most time on. By the time he had paint the eyeballs, he was all "man, the skull rules...I'm not getting paid enough to give every part of this painting my A-game." It's pretty much how the guy that did the Death Angel "Act III" cover spent all that time on the stage and curtains that by the time it came to painting the people he just said "ah...whatever...they can look like crappy statues." To read more about that cover, go here.

Al Qaeda inspired by generic 90s death metal

Apparently "Azzam the American," one of Al Qaeda's senior operatives and the first American to be charged with treason in 50 years, is a product of the 90s death metal scene. Maybe you have already seen this article, but if not, it's worth reading. Here is my favorite part (emphasis mine):

Death metal is a severe offshoot of heavy metal, a reaction to the superficiality of eighties popular culture. In the early nineties, bands that played death metal considered themselves part of an élite vanguard. They tuned their guitars in unconventional ways, and some, influenced by classical musicians, composed songs that required high degrees of discipline and technical virtuosity to play. Onstage, artists often wore sweatpants to demonstrate their athleticism and lack of pretense; the genre’s signature vocal style is a heavy growling chant. (“We like it when it’s simply rotten,” one musician told me.) It is a subculture in love with its offensiveness, and obsessive about guarding its artistic purity.

Read the whole article here

Nocturnus + Syd Mead = magic

Naturally, Dan Seagrave is the first person you think of when it comes to 90s death metal album covers, but can't you imagine Nocturnus and legendary futurist illustrator Syd Mead collaborating on something?? Read the lyrics to "Droid Sector" aloud while you project this painting on your wall. It will blow your mind, I promise!

DROID SECTOR
Enter the droids
Cybernetic crafts approaching
Through skies lit with fusion discharge
Androids from the gamma quadrant
Moving at the speed of death
Now the human race is sovulnerable
Invasion set for attack
"Enter the Droids"
Command-Mission-Destroy-Planet-
Three-From-Their sun
Caught within my tractor beam
Bringing the craft to me
Disable the robot for my own use
to aid my escape
Fleets of ships are now arriving,overtaking
Physical evasion is my only demise
Left to me for my survival
Gaining data from their system, overriding
To complete my invention,the time machine
Only question is "will it function"?

Lonn Friend Explains The Intricacies Of Death Metal To The Masses

Yesterday's post regarding Lonn Friend (editor of Rip Magazine, and douchebag extraordainare) made me have to go reach deep within my video vaults to pull footage to add to the discourse. When I say I reached deep in the vaults, I mean deep...I had to plug in the Betamax machine (and no, I'm not kidding).

Below you will find the much talked about "Friend At Large" segment for Headbanger's Ball in which he basically breaks down what death metal is all about...and gets most of it terribly wrong. The guy is so insanely annoying too, that you just want to die a million times over while watching this clip. Morbid Angel = Kiss, Helmet is a death metal band from Seattle, Death are the Led Zeppelin of death metal....Oy.

Our friend Lonn does credit Mike Gitter, with having helped him figure out the complex world of death metal. Mike Gitter, by the way, is another genius mostly known as an A&R for labels who signed many third rate punk and hardcore-ish bands in the 90's, helping them all decline into nothingness. Today he signs terrible bands for Roadrunner. Watch and learn. And then eat your cyanide capsule.

Generic death metal: the ultimate cure for insomnia

I'm a workaholic, and I've invested a lot in my job emotionally. It can be really rewarding, but sometimes I can't sleep at night. I stay up tossing and turning for hours, worrying about things I have to do the next day or whatever. That's when I turn to bad death metal, my most trusted sleep aid.

30 seconds of Benediction and this could be you!

There really isn't anything that puts me to sleep faster than crappy death metal full of dull tremolo riffs, triggered typewriter drums, generic growling vocals, and of course a Dan Seagrave painting on the cover. Jungle Rot and Deeds of Flesh are like lullabyes to me, slowly putting me to sleep like a mother's tender touch or the gentle rocking of a cradle. The repetitive, bland riffing of bands like Vital Remains, Incantation, General Surgery, or pretty much anything else from the vaults of Century Media, JL America, or Wild Rags soothes me like sipping a glass of warm milk by a crackling fire in an overstuffed recliner, carrying me off to the land of nod on gossamer wings. The mere mention of, say, Insatanity or Desultory makes my eyelids feel like they're made of lead.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my afternoon nap. Where's my Agathocles discography?

Great moments in art history: Suffocation

Anybody that knows me at all knows that Suffocation is without a doubt one of my favorite bands of all time. They are legends, responsible for countless innovations in death metal. But what a lot of people don't know is that they're also pioneers in the world of fine art and design.

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Exhibit 1: Human Waste

I love this album. When it came out, the brutality was completely unmatched. But the cover... I've studied it every day for the past 18 years and I'm still not sure I understand it. It's like a Heironymous Bosch or Francis Bacon painting, full of nearly infinite amounts of symbolism and intricate detail. What exactly is happening? Why is this demon with antlers using a circular saw on a bloody arm bone? Where is all the blood coming from? Actually it's not really a saw, it's just a saw blade on a stick. I am hoping that if I meditate on it long enough, it will make sense one day.

Exhibit 2: Effigy of the Forgotten front cover

One of Dan Seagrave's finest moments. What an incredible piece of work. Who else could have depicted a killer robot rampaging through a sci-fi garbage dump in such a compelling way? There are some nice little details, too: the robot skull on the end of the arm on top of the killer robot, the dragon egg in the bottom center, and the screaming mouth over on the right. Nothing could better suit this blasting masterpiece.

Exhibit 3: Effigy of the Forgotten photo shoot

Suffocation isn't just a band, they're a carefully orchestrated image campaign. Every piece of clothing they wear, every hair, every move they make- it's all part of their tightly controlled brand. You can see some examples of this in the inlay photos for the Effigy of the Forgotten booklet: Josh is wearing a Ripping Corpse shirt to match Terrence's Ripping corpse hat; Mike Smith (far right) brings to mind a young Rick James; Terrence looks right off the runways of Milan with his trendy acid wash cargo jeans. But Frank's outfit (center) is what really sets it off.

I'm guessing they hired a hotshot management consultancy like McKinsey or something to advise them on the right moves for this shoot. I imagine that it went something like this: "Frank, here's the outfit we put together for you for the Effigy shoot. We went with royal blue sweat pants and a Trump Plaza t-shirt." "OK, cool. That will make me look really businesslike and balance out Mike's Atheist belly shirt."

Dan Seagrave. The man. The myth. The muffins.

Dan Seagrave was part of the early 90's death metal holy-trinity. If you were going to make it in the biz back then you needed these three things (though some got by with only two):

1. Be from Florida
2. Record at Morrisound Studios
3. Get Dan Seagrave to do your album cover

As part of this holy-trinity, it's hard to criticize the man who brought to life such amazing artistic statements as the deer/man creature with a circular saw on the cover of Suffocation's "Human Waste". Nevertheless, I feel that enough time has passed, that we can now safely look a bit closer at some of his work. With time, we have gained insight, and with that insight we can look closer at the cover for Sepultura's "Arise".

A perfect example of his mid-career work, this piece exemplifies the kind of monochromatic fantasy worlds that populated his work during that time. Upon closer inspection, however, viewers will notice two things. First, Dan Seagrave was hungry (surely due to being broke, because I'm sure painting the cover to the second Lawnmower Deth album is not getting you dessert at Red Lobster.) Second, the man was horny. I'm sure girls didn't exactly think their dreamboat had just docked when he explained what he did for a living, "Well right now I'm working on the new Pestilence cover. I actually have to get home soon to retouch the floating sphere made of knives on that one. I should also do some work on the time machine that the robot is sitting on to go back in time and kill Jesus in the Nocturnus cover"

The proof




1. Clearly depicted here are two lobster claws holding dental floss.
2. Three blueberry muffins.
3. A woman bent over backwards for no reason at all.