Portal Just Released the Best Metal Album of 2009

If you're a regular reader of this blog then you've probably realized by now that we're not exactly huge fans of contemporary music. With the exception of Sergeant D most of us here at Metal Inquisition stopped caring about new music right around the time Danzig released Blackacidevil. The fact of the matter is that, for the most part, new music--in particular new metal--sucks. I've tried to keep up with some of my favorite older bands and check out new ones, but nine times out of ten it leads to nothing but disappointment. It's for this simple reason that you're most likely to catch Lucho and I fighting over the ipod in his BMW with him wanting to listen to Steely Dan and me wanting to listen to Skrewdriver. From time to time, however, to my complete and total amazement a new band will come along and blow my mind to pieces. The most recent example of this that I can think of is the Australian black/death metal hybrid mindfuck that is Portal. They released their first album back in 2003 and have since then released two more albums, each better than the last, which leads me to their most recent album and masterpiece, Swarth, which was just released earlier this week by Profound Lore.


Maybe my expectations are just incredibly low now because of how shitty most new metal albums are, but of the handful of new albums I've heard this year Swarth is far and away the best. I haven't been this excited about a new album since Decrepit Birth's Diminishing Between Worlds, and I think Swarth might even end up surpassing that album's awesomeness. I'm not a poet, but I'll do my best to describe the music on Swarth--it's bleak, dense, twisted, and fucking heavy. It's one of the most unique and legitimately unsettling records I've heard in a long, long time. You can barely even make out what's going on musically; it's a whirlwind of sound threatening to collapse at any moment, but Portal somehow manages to hold it together long enough to create this ferocious and suffocating wall of sound that relentlessly marches on for a solid forty minutes. Words fail me at a time like this so if you've been as bored with recent metal releases as I've been then I highly suggest checking out Swarth and Portal's two previous albums.


Oh, and in case you've never seen what Portal looks like here's a couple of photos to pique your interest.

Pyogenesis: Teenage awkwardness in musical form

The name of this band was brought up by one of our readers a couple of weeks ago. Upon reading it, I was instantly transported to another time (1992)...a time when my brother would spend entire weekends reading and writing letters with tape traders from places like Romania, Ecuador and Turkey. Back then, our mailbox was consistently packed with demos from noise, grind and death metal bands from all over the world, most of them completely awful. It's within that context that I remember the name Pyogenesis, and as such I quickly wondered what had happened to them since. Through the magic of the interweb, my thirst for knowledge was quickly quenched via the video below. Listen to the music and be amazed a this group of germans who never met a style of music they didn't like. Much like the awful buffet restaurants that have pizza, and pasta, and chinese food, and ice cream, and Indian food, and sushi...the mix is interesting but odd at the same time. Think about the awkward teenager in your high school (perhaps it was you) who bounced around from subculture to subculture. That teenager is Pyogenesis. As the music starts to take a decidedly pop-punk twist, remind yourself that these guys were metal enough to have been on Osmose Productions, and some of the members were in Gut. With an impecable metal resume like that (I'm kinda' joking, in case you can't tell) their change in musical direction is even more amusing. Notice that this clip only features their evolution until 2002...by now they're probably composing rock operas, and "dropping" mix tapes that feature Lil' Wayne.






Oh, and who could forget their semi-techno cover of Toto's "Africa"?

Metal video potpourri

From time to time, I have been known to fall into what I lovingly refer to as an "internet wormhole." Such an event usually starts out innocently enough, I'll remember a certain historical event, or perhaps a building or person that I'd like to look up on the interweb. Somehow, five hours later, I find myself still in front of my computer, reading about a related subject in greater detail than anyone in the world really needs to. Drunk with (sometimes useless) knowledge, I stumble outside to realize it's no longer light out. The hours have passed, and all I have to show for it is that I now know way too much about how Manuel Noriega was taken down as Panama's leader. I will also know why architect Philip Johnson was passed up for the Museum Tower project, and yet chose to live in the building after it was finished. Did I need this information? Did I really need to know the entire history about the venerable Jackson Dinky guitar? No.

Sometimes, however, the internet wormholes I fall into have even less redeemable value than the ones having to do with Central American history, or slammin' six or seven string instruments. Yes, sometimes, I merely spend hours watching endless amounts of stupid videos on YouTube, and end up with nothing to show for it. It's for this very reason that I've decided to share some of my recent finds with you today. These may not be the funniest videos you've ever seen, but I feel that in sharing them with you, I have given my life greater meaning...so this is an entirely selfish affair. Dig in, please, so I'll feel better about the time I wasted online.


Evil Black Metal Teens
(Please note the crappy guitars being held as evidence)








Report about death metal. Serious Stuff. This video is from the era before Chris Barnes made EVERYONE laugh, back when he only made almost everyone laugh by his stupidity and Skeletor-like face.





King Diamond shares his thoughts about theology with the world. Perhaps the most evil thing about this video, however, are the tacky curtains behind Kind Diamond. Also highly evil is his mustache.





Overkill gives a very in-depth interview, and band members share their numerous theories about life and music. How on earth is it that most of us, as young men and women, took interviews like this seriously? I know I certainly did. It never occurred to me back then that some dudes from New Jersey who worked third shift at machine shops may not have all the answers. Shocking.

Retroview: Revenant

A couple months ago the Sarg forgot about neon t-shirts, scene haircuts, and emo crunk long enough to give a stirring tribute to New Jersey Death Metal legends Ripping Corpse. Today, I'd like to focus your attention on another equally underappreciated Garden State Death Metal band--Revenant. Revenant was formed back in 1986 in beautiful Bergenfield, New Jersey. They released three cassette demos and a 7" single throughout the late 80s (I've never heard any of them, but they're probably awesome. If you have mp3s of them, you should send them to me) and actually played their first show with Metal Inquisition favorites Mucky Pup! Just Like their Jersey bros in Ripping Corpse, Revenant released their only full length album in 1991 and they've never received the praise and respect they deserve.

Remember back when bands looked this awesome?

Prophecies of a Dying World--is one of the best death metal albums ever released, period! None of that overproduced, super technical, hyperfast modern death metal bullshit. Revenant is 100% old school death metal. Thick, thrashy riffs, jackhammer drumming, and nasty as fuck vocals. The production is perfect--heavy, but still clear enough to make out every cymbal hit. Think early Death, but heavier and more epic. The songs tend to be on the longer side for death metal with the shortest song coming in at just under 5 minutes and the longest one approaching the 8 minute mark. This would spell certain doom for most death metal bands, but Revenant never runs out of steam or ideas. They just continue to bring it with riff after awesome riff amounting to almost an hour long pummeling. If you're a fan of Ripping Corpse, old Immolation, and the like you'll lose your shit when you hear this album. I promise.

I bet this show was sick!

Unfortunately like Ripping Corpse, cover art was not Revenant's strong suit. Though it's not nearly as bad as the cover of Dreaming With the Dead, it's still pretty lame. I understand that Revenant was trying to convey an image of the titular dying world, but a photograph of a barren landscape with orange clouds and a pile of branches in the foreground just doesn't do this album justice. If you're going to go with a landscape you might as well use a Georgia O'Keeffe.

A foolproof way to piss off your neighbors!

Shortly after the release of Prophecies of a Dying World, Revenant parted ways with Nuclear Blast Records. They went on to release another 7" single as well as another demo, and in 1995 they completed their final recording--the Overman EP, which wasn't released until 2002. So as shitty bands like Cannibal Corpse and At the Gates rose to prominence in the death metal scene Revenant faded into obscurity. There's no justice in this word, just Metal Inquisition.

While touring Europe in support of Prophecies of a Dying World, Revenant shot a video for "The Unearthly." It was premiered on Headbanger's Ball in the spring of '92 and featured on the first Death...Is Just the Beginning compilation.

And here's a bonus live video of Revenant performing their hit song "The Unearthly."

Malevolent Creation Guitarist Kills A Crackhead

Yes, you read that correctly. No, I did not make this up. Read all about it here and here. Apparently he was just trying to buy some chocolate milk. Only in Florida, folks. Thank God Phil survived this harrowing incident. What would the world do without this genius?

Moving Sale - Everything must go... into storage.

Ah!! It's good to be back! This is my first post since 9/24/08. As some of you may know my life has been a total pile of dog shit since. As we have said many times before, MI staffers are reluctant to reveal too much our personal lives, but I'm gonna make an exception and tell you that my wife fucking left me. The details aren't important, but what matters here is that we are selling our place and I have to move out. I'm selling a lot of my stuff, but not all. I have no idea what shithole in Bed-Stuy I'm gonna end up into, so I'm moving what I'm not selling into storage. As I'm packing, I'll share with you a few things I run into that may be of interest to our readers. Today: some awesome T-shirts.

Crappy art by Stevo

It's no secret I love Impetigo. You can read about my obsession on this post from last year. This sweet Impetigo T-shirt was given to me as a gift by Richard C. of Wild Rags himself, outside the Eagles Auditorium in Milwaukee, WI on July 30th, 1993. It serves as the only piece of hard evidence and proof that I was present during Impetigo's good bye show later that evening. I also wore this T-shirt proudly as we visited Jeffrey Dahmer's place the next day. I was wearing an Impetigo shirt as I stood in front of apartment 213.





This is one of my favorite T-shirts ever. It's pretty bizarre. I traded this shirt with this guy I knew named Brian. I can't remember what I gave him for it, but I know he got ripped off. This shirt is the cat's pajamas! I've only worn this tee a handful of times, since acquiring it in '92. It's spent most of the last 10 years in a plastic bag as demonstrated by its wrinkled appearance. The art is not by Stevo, as Impetigo shirts usually displayed, but it's just as shitty. It looks like it was hand done, not silk screened and the back glows in the dark. That's fucking right bitches, I have an Impetigo shirt that glows in the motherfucking dark. That's how I roll, son!




Kreator 1993 Coma of Souls tour T-shirt. I think the sleeves were removed a few years after that. Not much to say about this one, really. Just that, as you can see, this shirt has been washed a shitload of times and it's so wide it can only be worn by George Costanza.





I don't know WTF I was thinking. Why did I cut the sleeves off on all these T-shirts? I weighed 117lbs up until 1999. My arms were the size of toothpicks, yet I felt my tiny guns needed to be displayed?



This is my favorite T-shirt of this bunch. If I remember correctly, I got this classic tee at a comic book store in Miami. My friend Camilo was waiting just outside in his white Grand Am. I grabbed the thing off the rack and bailed. I wore it at least twice a week since the summer of 1991 until 1998 or so. I'm wearing it in half of our band photos during that time. Many of the scars on the tee are pretty fucking metal, too. A few of the rips came in the pit and all the small holes at the bottom are from the spikes on my belt. The big chunk missing from the bottom happened after a patch I had sown to cover another hole, ripped off during a show in Dee-troit.

Once again, the sleeves were removed at some point. This time, the sleeves ripped and I've had this safety pin holding the thing together for years. I actually still wear this thing once in a while. I usually wear a Harmony Corruption long sleeve under it.

There's a whole box of these things. Every one of them filled with memories and stories.

Alright, like I said, it's good to be back and I hope to get back in the groove and start posting regularly again. Thanks to all the fans that cared enough to realize I hadn't been around. You all need to get a life. Stay metal.

The ultimate argument settler

We live in a divided nation. For those reading outside the U.S., the same holds true. We live in a divided planet. Just last week, the United States of America had its presidential election. Similarly, here at Metal Inquisition we are hugely invested in the democratic process. We are also, however, authorities in the world of metal, and with that authority we are more than happy to have final say, and settle any metal argument. As the name of this blog implies, we are judge, jury and excecutioner. Below are our rulings. Well, mine at least. Having said that, we will still hear you guys out, probably just to point out how wrong you are though. So, we have decided to let you, our beloved readers, vote. For all those who are not americans, or do not live in this country...feel free to play along.




1. Best Slayer Album: - Reign In Blood or South of Heaven?
Don't be a wise guy and say "Haunting the Chapel", because that was an EP. Don't be an ass and say "Show No Mercy", that's like nominating the fat girl in your high school for prom queen as a joke. My vote? South of Heaven. The production alone makes it the best album hands down. I don't care how controversial my vote is. I'm sticking to it. By the way, if you vote for Seasons In The Abyss, you're a poser. Everyone knows that's Slayer's "new" album.

2. Dark Angel or Death Angel?
We settled this one ourselves sometime back, but we'd now like to hear from our readers. Again, don't be a smartass and say "Morbid Angel". I proudly vote for Dark Angel, even
though the date and place where the lyrics to each song were written are listed in the liner notes.






3. Norwegian black metal or Swedish death metal?
By Swedish death metal, I'm referring to the first three Entombed albums, early Dismember etc. Tough one, but I have to go with Swedish death metal since it generated less awful third rate bands.

If my brother and I had only had the minimal fashion know how necessary to pull off this look in 1989, we would have done it. Yet another obstacle that stood in our way was the fact that my mom wouldn't let us grow our hair long.

4. American thrash or German speed?
Another controversial one, I know. Though some disagree, when I say "german speed metal" I'm talking about the holy-trinity: Kreator, Destruction, Sodom. If you disagree with what I mean by "German speed", go start your own blog. By American thrash I'm talking about Anthrax, Exodus etc. I would love to say german speed, since its more aggressive and cooler...but the reality is that in 1989 I made my mom buy me bermuda shorts because of Anthrax, and I thought Exodus were the coolest band ever. Guilty.







5. New York City, or Bay area thrash?
Which will it be? Forbidden or Anthrax? Overkill or Exodus? Testament or Nuclear Assault? This one is really tough for me. Damnnit, I may have to go with the Bay-Area.

This cover is of the second printing of the video. I have the original one, since I'm no poser.

6. Hard N' Heavy Grindcore edition or Thrash Metal edition?
The Grindcore one had way scarier animation, whereas the thrash metal one had that creepy metal guy basically assaulting women. For comedic value alone, we have to go with the thrash metal one because it features the Anthrax poodle haircut, and unbelievable interviews with Vio-Lence and the award winning piece on Mordred.







7. Who riffs harder, Prong or Pantera?
Yet another argument as old as time itself. We also ruled on this one at one point, and we called it a draw. I personally have to go with Prong. If you want to know about my reasoning, read the post we did all about this ongoing debate.








8. Earache or Roadrunner?
I don't care what these labels are up to now, I don't even know if they exist. I'm talking about back in the day. Napalm Death vs. Malevolent Creation. Obituary and Suffocation vs Bolt Thrower and Carcass. Because of my current love affair with most things that Obituary has done, I have to go with Roadrunner. Don't be a wise guy and say Grindcore records. Let's keep this orderly.







9. Was Darkthrone better as a Swedish death metal band or as a Norwegian black metal band?
No, you can't just answer "none of the above"...so it's a tough one. I know that Mr. Sargeant D has made an argument for why they were way better as a death metal band...but I may have to side with the black metal years. It's just so hard to cut through the cult of personality around them, and the insanely stupid fans. But once I do, I find the black metal albums to be more interesting, even if they sound terrible and are largely composed of three notes that sound like a fly buzzing in my ear. I guess it's part of the charm.






10. Better compilation, Grindcrusher or Death is Just The Begining?
Man, Grindcrusher just hit the spot back in the day! Morbid Angel, Napalm Death....hot damn! I'll just try to forget all the other awful songs.






11. Best/Worst Colaboration: Anthrax and Public Enemy or Biohazard and Onyx?
Biohazard/Onyx certainly provided the highest cringe factor, but I'd be less than honest if I didn't admit to the fact that I still know all the lyrics to Bring The Noise to thise day due to the 'thrax/P.E. colabo. As such, that's who I'm voting for.

The Ultimate Florida Death Metal Mix

We here at Metal Inquisition are of the opinion that most of the greatest music ever created came out of Morrisounds Studios during the early 90s. Thanks in large part to the legendary production and engineering of Scott Burns those early Florida Death Metal bands helped to shape and define what the genre would become.

I love all kinds of death metal, but if I had to pick just one to listen to for the rest of my life it would be Florida Death Metal. And if I could only listen to one song from each of my favorite Florida Death Metal bands for the rest of my life I would come up with Metal Inquisition's Ultimate Florida Death Metal Mix. If you're a fan of Florida Death Metal, then you will love this. If you don't know anything about Florida Death Metal, then prepare to be schooled.

Of course, if this was 1993 I'd put this mix together on my shitty shelf system by dubbing a cassette, but thanks to the wonders of modern technology I can now download whole albums, then splice the tracks I want into a mix which I can then upload to a file hosting site for the enjoyment of all our readers. Tracklist and download links follow...

Metal Inquisition's Ultimate Florida Death Metal Mix:

1. Solstice - Transmogrified

2. Morbid Angel - Chapel of Ghouls
3. Nocturnus - Destroying the Manger
4. Deicide - Satan Spawn, the Caco-Daemon
5. Death - Lack of Comprehension
6. Obituary - Chopped In Half
7. Atheist- And the Psychic Saw
8. Cynic - Uroboric Forms
9. Hellwitch - Viral Exogence
10. Brutality - Ceremonial Unearthing
11. Massacre - Cryptic Realms
12. Resurrection - Rage Within
13. Monstrosity - Imperial Doom
14. Malevolent Creation - Iced

Download Links:
Mediafire
Megaupload

Where are they now: Mike Browning edition

If you're anything like me, Nocturnus is still probably your favorite drummer-fronted, Florida death metal to feature keyboards, and deal with the subject of time travel extensively. Because I continue to hold this band in such high regard, it was only logical that a thorough investigation be launched by the M.I. investigative staff regarding the whereabouts of the band's leader and frontman, Mike Browning. Below are the results of our investigation:

Mike continues to live in Tampa, Florida, where he earns between 30-45 thousand dollars a year, according to his MySpace profile. He owns the home he lives in, which he bought for only $45,000 in 1995. He lives behind a pawn shop (location, location, location!), where he apparently manages to score additions to his collection of Egyptian artifacts.

Mike's house is the one with a dark roof, directly behind the pawn shop.

These days, Mike has diverse interests ranging from dressing up as an Egyptian pharaoh, to playing the bongos while being dressed up as a pharaoh. Oh, and he's also into Kabbalah. First Madonna, then Aston Kutcher and now Mike Browning? Damn. Anyway, here are some images to quench the unbelievable thirst that comes with not having seen your musical hero for many years. Enjoy.

Here we see Mike playing the bongos while contemplating his musical career. Check out all the cool candle holders he's scored at the pawn shop over the years. Poor Mike, he sang about a "Lake Of Fire", but all he can afford now are a few candles from Ikea.




In this picture we see his two cars, and it also teaches us that if you're metal, you don't need a driveway...just park in the dirt. Check out the wicker chair and the wind chimes in the porch.




These are Mike's dogs, a rottweiler and a half-wolf/half-german shepherd. I should point out that owning a half-wolf is illegal in Florida unless you have a at least 2 1/2 acres of land and are granted a special, Class II Wildlife Permit by the Florida Game and Freshwater Fish Commission, but I'm sure Mike has all his paperwork in order. Why does Mike have these two menacing dogs? so that the droids wont enter his house while he's away. Get it? It's a joke!

Anyway, the inside of the house is exactly what you'd expect: stained carpets, and one of those awful area rugs with a wolf on it, the kind that is sold out of a van on the side of the road. (See the image below). Note the scratches on the door from the dogs trying to get out, due to Mike going on and on about how he was in Morbid Angel once. Can you blame the poor dogs?





Nothing says "evil" like pure American muscle. I'm with you there Mike. Sweet skull licence plate holder by the way.

Mike's way into marine life AND Photoshop! He's a true renaissance man, just consider his wildly varied interests.

Mike appears to be a huge fan of Steve Martin's early work.

What is it about Egypt that so captures the imagination of metal musicians? Fist there was Nile, and now we find out that Mike Browning has been parading around his house in Cleopatra make-up while wearing pirate-style shirts. Did he travel back in time with the Nocturnus time machine and end up in Egyptian times? Did the guys from Nile go with him? Why didn't they all stay there? I guess we'll never know.



PS: Before anyone points it out, I realize that my use of the "Things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine" label is contradictory to say the least. If Mike Browning and Nocturnus weren't around, neither would the very time machine I speak of. The use of this label puts the very space/time continium into question. So, while problematic, this notion is nevertheless highly descriptive of the feelings commonly held regarding both the band and their musical/lyrical output.

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb

I know we're all supposed to be respectful of each other's cultures...but seriously, how can we have any respect for Europeans when they throw this our way? Who gave Jabba The Hut a mic stand and a leather vest? Whoever you are, please ask for both things back. The fat tub of goo (of an unidentified gender) looks like he's about to blow a major artery in or around his face. If he/she does, we'll all be covered with the cholesterol filled goo that no doubt runs through his/her veins.




Well...I guess that's one way to protect yourself from the onslaught of complete and utter shit that you're about to produce on that budget-ass drum set.





Most kids simply get cash for their Bar Mitzvah, this little fucker's parents got him an entire afternoon with heavy metal dwarf Ronnie James Dio. What a better way to make a 13 year old feel like he's indeed a man in his community, than making him spend an afternoon with a 60 year old who is three feet shorter than him, and wears crushed velvet pants from the Victoria's Secret catalog?




Some scientists have claimed that time travel is impossible. I beg to differ. Not only does it exist, it only costs about $800. Simply buy a ticket to any South American country, and you'll see what I mean.





I guess all losers have to find something to do in order to fill the small gaps of time that exist between being rejected by all members of the opposite sex, and being beaten mercilessly by everyone in their school (including the kid with CP who drools on himself). By the way, put a shirt on. Yes, I'm talking to you bird-chest.




Like any other metal kid growing up, I always had a dream of suddenly finding out that I had a long-lost uncle who no one talked to in my family, one who never came around and lived his life of pure metal somewhere distant and awful...like New Jersey. In my dream, my uncle looked exactly like the guy sitting down in this picture, a bad ass rocker with a sweet mustache who's not afraid of wearing his boxers as outerwear. Sadly, my dream never came true. Now, all I have is this picture.





Look, I know that Nile were kinda' good at one point and all, but if you look at this picture and forget who they are...don't they look like the biggest group of loads you've ever seen? Combat boots with shorts? Are you kidding me? Who are you, goth kids at Six Flags circa 1993? Can't you get some normal guitars? That fat tub looks like he's playing on two wooden rowboat paddles.


Lastly, I know the band has an Egyptian theme (a theme, think about that, much like an 8th grade dance), but that godamned necklace makes tubby look like Professor X from X-Clan.







Studies have shown that one person out of every ten is gay. This means that all our families have at least one gay member in them. If that's true, don't you think a certain family member in each one of these guys' families would have let them in on the fact that they are basically dressed as gay sex slaves?





Okay, so some of you know what band this is. Good for you. Put that aside, and consider the fact that this picture contains a robe, a violin, and two swords. Metal bands are basically doing what most of us did in our basements for fun on Friday nights during the 7th grade, and getting paid for it (however little). As such, I want to make fun of them...but I'm also insanely jealous.