Showing posts with label ice cream cake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ice cream cake. Show all posts
Monday, April 3, 2017
Upside down Cross Mania
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb
I know we're all supposed to be respectful of each other's cultures...but seriously, how can we have any respect for Europeans when they throw this our way? Who gave Jabba The Hut a mic stand and a leather vest? Whoever you are, please ask for both things back. The fat tub of goo (of an unidentified gender) looks like he's about to blow a major artery in or around his face. If he/she does, we'll all be covered with the cholesterol filled goo that no doubt runs through his/her veins.
Well...I guess that's one way to protect yourself from the onslaught of complete and utter shit that you're about to produce on that budget-ass drum set.
Most kids simply get cash for their Bar Mitzvah, this little fucker's parents got him an entire afternoon with heavy metal dwarf Ronnie James Dio. What a better way to make a 13 year old feel like he's indeed a man in his community, than making him spend an afternoon with a 60 year old who is three feet shorter than him, and wears crushed velvet pants from the Victoria's Secret catalog?
Some scientists have claimed that time travel is impossible. I beg to differ. Not only does it exist, it only costs about $800. Simply buy a ticket to any South American country, and you'll see what I mean.
I guess all losers have to find something to do in order to fill the small gaps of time that exist between being rejected by all members of the opposite sex, and being beaten mercilessly by everyone in their school (including the kid with CP who drools on himself). By the way, put a shirt on. Yes, I'm talking to you bird-chest.
Like any other metal kid growing up, I always had a dream of suddenly finding out that I had a long-lost uncle who no one talked to in my family, one who never came around and lived his life of pure metal somewhere distant and awful...like New Jersey. In my dream, my uncle looked exactly like the guy sitting down in this picture, a bad ass rocker with a sweet mustache who's not afraid of wearing his boxers as outerwear. Sadly, my dream never came true. Now, all I have is this picture.
Look, I know that Nile were kinda' good at one point and all, but if you look at this picture and forget who they are...don't they look like the biggest group of loads you've ever seen? Combat boots with shorts? Are you kidding me? Who are you, goth kids at Six Flags circa 1993? Can't you get some normal guitars? That fat tub looks like he's playing on two wooden rowboat paddles.
Lastly, I know the band has an Egyptian theme (a theme, think about that, much like an 8th grade dance), but that godamned necklace makes tubby look like Professor X from X-Clan.
Studies have shown that one person out of every ten is gay. This means that all our families have at least one gay member in them. If that's true, don't you think a certain family member in each one of these guys' families would have let them in on the fact that they are basically dressed as gay sex slaves?
Okay, so some of you know what band this is. Good for you. Put that aside, and consider the fact that this picture contains a robe, a violin, and two swords. Metal bands are basically doing what most of us did in our basements for fun on Friday nights during the 7th grade, and getting paid for it (however little). As such, I want to make fun of them...but I'm also insanely jealous.
Friday, April 11, 2008
We Sentence You to Death... by GUILLOTINE!
When you name your band a brutal name like "GUILLOTINE" you run the risk of someone else, somewhere else thinking of the same name for their awesome band. I guess that's the price you pay for lacking a shred of originality. In honor of our motto (which all MI staffers have tattooed somewhere in their bodies) I did some research and found a few Guillotines out there. But which is the best Guillotine? Here's what I found.
Like I needed any more reasons to think Sacramento is the worst city in America (second would have to be Greensboro, NC), here come these assbags. Is the bass player wearing a trench coat or was he getting a hair cut right before practice? "Thanks for the haircut, Kayleen. Sorry, I don't have time to take off the faux-silk robe, I gotta get to practice! ... Oh, no we're still practicing at grannie's. She hates that Exploited poster I put up in the living room every time we practice. Her maid is Mexican, so, yeah, I use her flag to cover my 4x12." They have a song up on their myspace page (they got 75 fans, mostly grannie's friends, I'm sure). I'll save you the pain, it's as bad as the band looks. They recorded it using gramma's tape recorder. Hey, they need a drummer, so if you wanna relocate to Sac, go for it. Judging by what I heard, knowing how to play drums is optional.
These dbags are actually "Guillotined." They label themselves as "black metal." Dude, my super is more evil than these turds and he plays in a Journey cover-band, no joke. These kids are from Illinois and are horrible. I mean terrible. But that's all I'm gonna say about these dudes, my mom always told me it was wrong to make fun of the mentally retarded.
Dammit I'm gonna run out of insults and I'm only to #3. Teenagers are plain creepy. Period. I want them all to die. This dude's myspace title is "Nothing is Everything." Yeah, that's how deep this fucker is. The music is your average run of the mill bucket-of-shit Casio keyboard electronic waste of time. He needs to stop making crappy "music", take care of that mole on his face and bring me that bag of Chippers. I'm hungry. I wonder if everyone in McKinney, Texas is this retarded.
This Guillotine's from New Delhi, but I really can't make fun of them. I could not find any of their tunes and the photo looks pretty normal. Well, the one dude's got a sweet axe. The other guy's got rad cow-lick, which in India is like being kissed by the Virgin fucken' Mary. Maybe the drummer shouldn't have taken the photo in their parents' Indian restaurant.
"Holla't me playa'!" I love it when I can use the "appropriation of black culture" tag! MC Guillotine is from North Carolina. I guess they haven't heard of cellphones down there. Do they even have electricity? Maybe he's so broke he just hasn't payed his April phone bill. Here's a line from his myspace:
"WE WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR THE PRAYERS AND PHONE CALLS FOR SHAYTON AKA GUILLOTINE. HE IS RECOVERING FROM A CAR ACCIDENT THAT LEFT HIM WITH A BROKEN LEG."
Is that sad or funny? I'm not sure.
I didn't even look to see where these posers are from. They all have short hair and got a chick in the audience? They might as well be from Fruitville, Gaytucky. Emofags, punch yourselves in the face...NOW!
Giljotina means Guillotine in Slovenian. I wonder how say "broken cymbal" or "put some pants on" in Slovenian
OK, out of all the Guillotines on this post, this LA outfit is the only one signed to a real label. That is the REAL cover of their record. WOW! The cover belongs in one of Sergeant D's 'Great Moments in Art History' posts. Unfortunately for all of us at MI, these geniuses have split-up. We are all wearing black armbands around the office today. We are only left with this review of their 1989 Full-length "Bring Down the Curtain":
"There’s a sticker on the front cover that totes some guy named Mark Senasac as the producer. After one side of this nine-songer, it’s apparent that's all the record has going for it, and the production is hardly anything to parade around town with."
Ouch.
"Hey dudes, guess what? My step-dad is moving the grill so we can practice in the dock! The only thing is that Anthony has to use the bags of Kingsford to stop his bass drum from sliding and scratching the deck." These imbeciles list their lyrical themes as: Fantasy, Fate, and Norway. I'm not kidding. Do they have a song about how Norway's rugged coastline is broken by massive fjords and thousands of islands and stretches over 2,500 km?
Speaking of Scandinavia, this Guillotine are from Umeå, Sweden. They are pretty damn good old school thrash. Check out their names: Snake, Spider and Cobra. Ex-member Rat. You can't make this shit up. Their future members might include Bat, Gecko and Ocelot. In the photo, looks like Spider (rocking a Popeye shirt?) just sneezed and Cobra looks sad. Why is Cobra sad? This is what I got from their website:
"...drummer Cobra was never a real member. He was asked to join the band for a photo shoot. Although he claims he can play the drums, he was never equipped with the skills or know-how to play in a serious band.
I'm telling you, you can't make this shit up!
These dudes from Santo Andre in Brazil are the hands-down winners! Look at them! They got the mark of true metalheads: awesome long hair, slightly overweight and TONS of patches on denim vests (not to mention their sweatpants)!!! Good patches, too. I spot Slayer, Possessed, Sodom, Motorhead, Anthrax and Dark Angel. If I'd kept attaching patches to my denim jacket past 1993, it'd probably look like this by now. Too bad I'm a fucking poser, 'cuz these cats look all the rage! But it's not all looks, their names are brutal as shit, too: Rene Iron Hell, Marcelo Destructor and Angelo of Death. Plus former members Bruno Mad Butcher and Viviane Possessed. Their music is pretty good, too. They have a ragin' tune called Sexthrash and it kills. There's nothing about these dudes that isn't fucking metal. Congrats playas, you win!
Like I needed any more reasons to think Sacramento is the worst city in America (second would have to be Greensboro, NC), here come these assbags. Is the bass player wearing a trench coat or was he getting a hair cut right before practice? "Thanks for the haircut, Kayleen. Sorry, I don't have time to take off the faux-silk robe, I gotta get to practice! ... Oh, no we're still practicing at grannie's. She hates that Exploited poster I put up in the living room every time we practice. Her maid is Mexican, so, yeah, I use her flag to cover my 4x12." They have a song up on their myspace page (they got 75 fans, mostly grannie's friends, I'm sure). I'll save you the pain, it's as bad as the band looks. They recorded it using gramma's tape recorder. Hey, they need a drummer, so if you wanna relocate to Sac, go for it. Judging by what I heard, knowing how to play drums is optional.
These dbags are actually "Guillotined." They label themselves as "black metal." Dude, my super is more evil than these turds and he plays in a Journey cover-band, no joke. These kids are from Illinois and are horrible. I mean terrible. But that's all I'm gonna say about these dudes, my mom always told me it was wrong to make fun of the mentally retarded.
Dammit I'm gonna run out of insults and I'm only to #3. Teenagers are plain creepy. Period. I want them all to die. This dude's myspace title is "Nothing is Everything." Yeah, that's how deep this fucker is. The music is your average run of the mill bucket-of-shit Casio keyboard electronic waste of time. He needs to stop making crappy "music", take care of that mole on his face and bring me that bag of Chippers. I'm hungry. I wonder if everyone in McKinney, Texas is this retarded.
This Guillotine's from New Delhi, but I really can't make fun of them. I could not find any of their tunes and the photo looks pretty normal. Well, the one dude's got a sweet axe. The other guy's got rad cow-lick, which in India is like being kissed by the Virgin fucken' Mary. Maybe the drummer shouldn't have taken the photo in their parents' Indian restaurant.
"Holla't me playa'!" I love it when I can use the "appropriation of black culture" tag! MC Guillotine is from North Carolina. I guess they haven't heard of cellphones down there. Do they even have electricity? Maybe he's so broke he just hasn't payed his April phone bill. Here's a line from his myspace:
"WE WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR THE PRAYERS AND PHONE CALLS FOR SHAYTON AKA GUILLOTINE. HE IS RECOVERING FROM A CAR ACCIDENT THAT LEFT HIM WITH A BROKEN LEG."
Is that sad or funny? I'm not sure.
I didn't even look to see where these posers are from. They all have short hair and got a chick in the audience? They might as well be from Fruitville, Gaytucky. Emofags, punch yourselves in the face...NOW!
Giljotina means Guillotine in Slovenian. I wonder how say "broken cymbal" or "put some pants on" in Slovenian
OK, out of all the Guillotines on this post, this LA outfit is the only one signed to a real label. That is the REAL cover of their record. WOW! The cover belongs in one of Sergeant D's 'Great Moments in Art History' posts. Unfortunately for all of us at MI, these geniuses have split-up. We are all wearing black armbands around the office today. We are only left with this review of their 1989 Full-length "Bring Down the Curtain":
"There’s a sticker on the front cover that totes some guy named Mark Senasac as the producer. After one side of this nine-songer, it’s apparent that's all the record has going for it, and the production is hardly anything to parade around town with."
Ouch.
"Hey dudes, guess what? My step-dad is moving the grill so we can practice in the dock! The only thing is that Anthony has to use the bags of Kingsford to stop his bass drum from sliding and scratching the deck." These imbeciles list their lyrical themes as: Fantasy, Fate, and Norway. I'm not kidding. Do they have a song about how Norway's rugged coastline is broken by massive fjords and thousands of islands and stretches over 2,500 km?
Speaking of Scandinavia, this Guillotine are from Umeå, Sweden. They are pretty damn good old school thrash. Check out their names: Snake, Spider and Cobra. Ex-member Rat. You can't make this shit up. Their future members might include Bat, Gecko and Ocelot. In the photo, looks like Spider (rocking a Popeye shirt?) just sneezed and Cobra looks sad. Why is Cobra sad? This is what I got from their website:
"...drummer Cobra was never a real member. He was asked to join the band for a photo shoot. Although he claims he can play the drums, he was never equipped with the skills or know-how to play in a serious band.
I'm telling you, you can't make this shit up!
These dudes from Santo Andre in Brazil are the hands-down winners! Look at them! They got the mark of true metalheads: awesome long hair, slightly overweight and TONS of patches on denim vests (not to mention their sweatpants)!!! Good patches, too. I spot Slayer, Possessed, Sodom, Motorhead, Anthrax and Dark Angel. If I'd kept attaching patches to my denim jacket past 1993, it'd probably look like this by now. Too bad I'm a fucking poser, 'cuz these cats look all the rage! But it's not all looks, their names are brutal as shit, too: Rene Iron Hell, Marcelo Destructor and Angelo of Death. Plus former members Bruno Mad Butcher and Viviane Possessed. Their music is pretty good, too. They have a ragin' tune called Sexthrash and it kills. There's nothing about these dudes that isn't fucking metal. Congrats playas, you win!
Friday, April 4, 2008
Speculation (of the Wicked)
Every so often you come across an image, be it a painting, drawing or a photograph, that is so captivating in its sense of expression that you are left speechless.
Think of the first time you saw an image of Edvard Munch's The Scream. It is truly an intriguing image that has the ability to create a feeling of awe. What is happening to this figure? What is with that expression? What is he viewing out of our line of site that is instilling him with this emotion?
In a similar manner, I feel that same wonder when I gaze upon this image. What is this chubby tub of black metal fury laughing at?
Here are my theories, please feel free to add your own.
1. His tests came back negative. He is loving life.
2. It is his birthday and he is excited because up front he sees his girlfriend walking towards the stage with a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. He is so overwhelmed with happiness at the thoughtfulness of this gesture he can't help but express his joy!
3. He is a real jokester AND he just farted. He is looking forward to hearing the "awwwwwww...man" coming from Mr. Grumpy Guitar. That dude can never take a joke, which is why he wears a frowny face.
4. Someone is flashing his balls. He loves lowbrow humor.
5. He is not in a black metal warrior at all, maybe this is a halloween show and this is a death metal band. Perhaps he is laughing because he realizes how absurd it is to be in a black metal band.
Regardless of all this, if you know what this is actually from please keep it to yourself. Don't ruin my fun.
Think of the first time you saw an image of Edvard Munch's The Scream. It is truly an intriguing image that has the ability to create a feeling of awe. What is happening to this figure? What is with that expression? What is he viewing out of our line of site that is instilling him with this emotion?
In a similar manner, I feel that same wonder when I gaze upon this image. What is this chubby tub of black metal fury laughing at?
Here are my theories, please feel free to add your own.
1. His tests came back negative. He is loving life.
2. It is his birthday and he is excited because up front he sees his girlfriend walking towards the stage with a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. He is so overwhelmed with happiness at the thoughtfulness of this gesture he can't help but express his joy!
3. He is a real jokester AND he just farted. He is looking forward to hearing the "awwwwwww...man" coming from Mr. Grumpy Guitar. That dude can never take a joke, which is why he wears a frowny face.
4. Someone is flashing his balls. He loves lowbrow humor.
5. He is not in a black metal warrior at all, maybe this is a halloween show and this is a death metal band. Perhaps he is laughing because he realizes how absurd it is to be in a black metal band.
Regardless of all this, if you know what this is actually from please keep it to yourself. Don't ruin my fun.
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