Friday, April 4, 2008

Speculation (of the Wicked)

Every so often you come across an image, be it a painting, drawing or a photograph, that is so captivating in its sense of expression that you are left speechless.

Think of the first time you saw an image of Edvard Munch's The Scream. It is truly an intriguing image that has the ability to create a feeling of awe. What is happening to this figure? What is with that expression? What is he viewing out of our line of site that is instilling him with this emotion?

In a similar manner, I feel that same wonder when I gaze upon this image. What is this chubby tub of black metal fury laughing at?

Here are my theories, please feel free to add your own.

1. His tests came back negative. He is loving life.

2. It is his birthday and he is excited because up front he sees his girlfriend walking towards the stage with a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. He is so overwhelmed with happiness at the thoughtfulness of this gesture he can't help but express his joy!

3. He is a real jokester AND he just farted. He is looking forward to hearing the "" coming from Mr. Grumpy Guitar. That dude can never take a joke, which is why he wears a frowny face.

4. Someone is flashing his balls. He loves lowbrow humor.

5. He is not in a black metal warrior at all, maybe this is a halloween show and this is a death metal band. Perhaps he is laughing because he realizes how absurd it is to be in a black metal band.

Regardless of all this, if you know what this is actually from please keep it to yourself. Don't ruin my fun.


  1. he looks kinda like that fat black metal character in guitar hero.maybe he's singing "yummy yummy yummy i'll have cake in my tummy!"
    honestly, if aliens landed on earth today, they would never believe me if i told them that black metal was not only serious at one point, but feared as well. if only for a minute.

  2. Smiling is totally not grim or frostbitten.

  3. you know, MI hadn't made me tear with laughter since the critically acclaimed Mortuary Drape post. i really needed a good laugh today. thank you!

    1. first things first. awakening: GREAT title for the post. good pun. not terribly obscure, but not super obvious. im sure max thanks you.

    2. our evil fat buddy is cheating, you guys. those gwar-like shoulder-pads are RUBBER!! he also has upside-down crosses on his massive cheeks. i guess that's sorta evil... i guess.

    3. finally, my theory on what chubbs is laughing at:
    there's nothing sadder (except the newest manowar CD) than a black metaller whose black metal uniform consists exclusively of war paint. no leather pants, no spike bracelets, not even long hair. fatty thinks it hilarious that the guitar player forgot his costume at home. THAT's why the guitar dude is so bummed and candlemassive in the front is cracking up! BTW, the drummer isnt even wearing face paint! what a poser! maybe we should ask him about killing black metallers?

  4. I'd like to think someone's tickling his feet...with a feather. A black feather, to be more evil.

  5. I know what this is about but I will honor your wish to remain unknowing. Let's just say the band has a record coming out on a respected cult label that released the only record by perhaps one of the greatest USBM bands of all time.

  6. I have no idea where this is from, and can't think of any witty speculations, but that dude looks CLASSIC. I've GOT to know what band this is. I mean... this is real? These guys are actually releasing a record!?

  7. aesop,

    Havohej put out a few records.

  8. black metal not scary? just look at that gut, man! a pot like that scares people off by itself, you don't need no additional equipment.

    plus, just imagine the state of his toilet in the morning.

    the horror!

  9. The mind boggles. I don’t know what is more Metal or gangsta rap (yes, that bad!!)

  10. Skeletor's fat fucktoy there's smiling because he's thinking about how now with the Oakland Raiders SuperFan gear, not to mention the staff or scythe or whatever, he's risen above all those years of getting picked on and teased about his effeminacy and "weight problem".
    Aixelyd nmad.

  11. the guy looks like Jerry A from Poison Idea in corpse paint ahahah!

  12. "Detsorgsekalf." Best band ever. Try to track down some of the pictures with the spiky wristguards made out of Burger King cups.

  13. Clever title.

    I see what you did there.