Monday, April 21, 2008

Unfortunate Moments In Metal Business Theory: Coffee + Metal

If you're anything like me, when you think about the perfect person to pick coffee beans in order to have the ideal blend of rich aroma and complex flavors, you think of Anthrax drummer Charlie Benante. When it comes to picking the very best in Peruvian fair trade beans, on the other hand, your man would be Dave Mustaine. Those are just the guys that come to mind when I think about these things. Call me crazy.

Luckily for all of us, someone out there agrees with my assessment. That someone is a lucky, yet bored housewife who's married to our favorite redheaded metal crybaby, Dave Mustaine. In order to keep her happy (and busy), Dave has allowed his wife to use the money he earns from Megadeth royalties to start Legends Cup Coffee (yes, it's a real company click the link). With signature coffee blends by Mr. Mustaine, as well as Charlie Benante and Goldberg (the wrestler), the company is sure to take the beverage world by storm. But probably not. Charlie Benante? Dave Mustaine? I think perhaps "legends" is overstating it bit...don't you? The poor woman is so out of it due to years of having to hear Dave go on and on and on about his fast picking, that she actually believes her husband and his friends are somewhat relevant to anyone in the world. Oh, how very little she knows. Megadeth, in my opinon, peaked during "So Far, So Good, So What...", a record that barely made any waves at all in the world of metal. A record so average, that it is the perfect musical embodiment of the expression "meh".

In this picture, Mustaine shows us yet another way that he can make an ass out of himself. He can do it on stage, by having a signature coffee blend, by crying on film, AND by engaging in a sport usually preferred by suburban 10 year olds.

But let's get back on track here folks, because I have good news. Aside from coffee, you can pay $39.99 for an autographed Mustaine mug. A MegaMug, if you will. Now, rather than making your co-workers guess how much of a douchebag you are, you can give them concise proof.

Here's the awesome Mustaine mug. I can't help but picture the moron who would buy this crying when the signature comes off in the dishwasher.

More about Mustaine's marriage. If you ever wondered what absolute desperation sounds like, just read the message below from Dave Mustaine about his chosen blend. This is a man at the end of his rope, doing whatever he can to support a wife that is nagging him 24-7. Please note his overuse of caps, as well as the use of the phrase "SO FAR". Not only does it make you have less faith in the product, but it also seems like a stupid attempt at making a Megadeth album pun. Maybe "My Wife Is Selling Crap Coffee, But Who's Buying?" Would have sounded better.

This is my favorite coffee SO FAR, and I hope it will be your favorite coffee too, SO FAR, until I can decide on which coffee to bring you next! This PERUVIAN coffee was so pleasing to taste and had the right boost I needed in the morning for me to prepare for another day of shredding! This DARK ROAST is the way I prefer it, but you can choose to have your coffee roasted NORMAL too. Its that simple! So join me and drink from the Legend's Cup.

Back to Charlie. Let's enjoy his message to us, the potential buyers of his fine product. His message is a bit more understated than MegaDave's.

Hello Coffee Lovers,
You all know me, you know how I earn a living. When I'm not bashing on my drums to the sounds of ANTHRAX, I like to enjoy a good cup of Coffee. I will drink it hot, iced, frapped and intravenously. I've been all around the world, tried many different blends and I have come up with some combinations that Kick Ass. If you are a coffee drinker, I think you're going to Love it. This is the Start of something really Delicious.
Note how he too uses caps for no reason at all. This is what I would imagine an email written by an inmate or a retard would look like.

So if Charlie and Dave are logical choices for picking my coffee blend, and marketing it...why not other "stars" in the metal world?

Billy Milano's Fat, Annoying Blend
Inspired by the pathetic similarity between S.O.D. and M.O.D., Billy's choice is the exact same blend as Charlie Benante's...but not quite as good. It also has 980 calories per cup, and leaves an annoying aftertaste similar to that of pure lard.

Evil D's-Evil Coffee
This dark and evil blend of coffee was pretty good when first introduced to the marketplace in the early 90's. Sadly, the quality has dropped precipitously after his wife chose to mess with the formula. Please note that feeling incredibly embarrassed by merely seeing a cup of this coffee is a perfectly normal reaction.

Danny Lilker's Tiny Blend
Made up of very tiny coffee grounds, this blend's unusual make up is primarily inspired by Danny's tiny baby-like teeth. Like Danny's career, you'll think something is happening when you begin to brew this coffee...but nothing will ever come of it. The smell of the coffee may seem promising, but don't be fooled. This fine blend of beans will simply never brew into actual coffee at all. Ideal as a gag gift.

King Diamond-Grandma's Favorite
A coffee so good, that even Grandma will forget about the fact she wanted tea, not coffee. This personalized blend is a favorite of people in highly influential metal bands, but you'll probably hate it when you first try it, and ask yourself "what the hell were they going on, and on about?" It's worth mentioning that the first few bags of this coffee that shipped were kinda' okay...but any of them that are dated 1989 or later, are terribly annoying and work best when thought of as a novelty coffee.

Please note that due to current litigation, this flavor is not available. Gene Simmons has filed paperwork in a California District Court alleging that he in fact invented this blend. As such, Kind Diamond must relinquish past earnings from this product. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.


  1. the terrible photoshop work make a great post even greater and therefore a true classic!

    Billy's choice is the exact same blend as Charlie Benante's...but not quite as good

    "This fine blend of beans will simply never brew into actual coffee at all"

    two of the best lines in MI history!


  2. Blending Coffee Is My Business... And Business Is Good!

    Posts like this is the reason I turn my computer on when I come to work. So nice to see KING DIAMOND making an appearance.

    Stay Heavy!!!

  3. hey...the photoshop work is bad i admit...but the top one (charlie benante) is real and from their website! and its not THAT much better than my photoshop creations. i have to admit, by the time i got do doing danny lilker...i was really rushing. plus its hard to crop around his stupid mop top.

  4. Ha, ha, oh man, definitely saved the best for last there with all the King Diamond commentary!

  5. Anonymous Rating for this Post:
    ***** (5 stars!)

    "My Wife Is Selling Crap Coffee, But Who's Buying?"

  6. will the charlie benante blend change flavours every few years as the trends in the coffee industry change? perhaps in twenty years they'll reunite with the original flavour for a short lived, yet unsuccessful go round in french presses up the east coast...

  7. that's a coffee bag? looks more like a douchebag (to finally use the word in its original sense).

    future new depths of desperation: any has-been's toilet paper! "had the right texture i needed to keep me from smelling like crap that i am all day".

  8. others that would've been good......

    Glenn Danzig
    Seth Putnam
    anyone from Pantera
    Scott Burns
    Kerry King
    Varg Vikernes

  9. add Mike Muir, Tom G. Warrior and Lars Ulrich to that list!

  10. Funny post but I'm afraid that truth is stranger than fiction: The Christian Death Metal band Tourniquet actually have their own brand of coffee - see

  11. Tourniquet coffee?! amazing!! they were a pretty sweet band for bible thumpers, but this is even crazier than Roger Martinez.

  12. tourniquet... oh, boy!

    if they know so much about coffee, why do the spell colombia with a "u". idiots.

  13. skullkrusher, i think you are confused. their coffee is from Columbia, Maryland, not Colombia (the south american country).

  14. wait...why did they say that truth is stranger than fiction? check the link to the company. its real damnit!

    is there like a cafe press for coffee or something?

  15. How the hell did you go the entire post without even mentioning Dethklok?

  16. is there like a cafe press for coffee or something?

    there are probably companies that produce small batches of coffee with your artwork on the packaging much like you can get bottled water with your art on it- or for that matter, frisbees, golf jackets, etc. if it was some midwestern printing company or something making this coffee, it wouldn't be noteworthy, but it's very disturbing to see that the pioneers of metal are getting old and now they're into stuff like coffee, swiss watches, and golf.

  17. No wigger blend? Dark w/ a vanilla aftertaste?

    $39.99 for an autographed Mustaine coffee mug??? Someone's been taking Gene Simmons lessons.....

  18. Know what is even more pathetic and desperate about this?

    It was mentioned on Blabbermouth very recently that Mustaine and his wife are getting a DIVORCE!

  19. "The poor woman is so out of it due to years of having to hear Dave go on and on and on about his fast picking"

    Fucking classic...

  20. Haha this is some funny shit!

  21. In the beginning pearl hunting was the only means known for harvesting pearls. A little before the start of the 20th century divers manually pulled oysters from ocean floors and river bottoms and checked each one of them individually for pearls.