We Sentence You to Death... by GUILLOTINE!

When you name your band a brutal name like "GUILLOTINE" you run the risk of someone else, somewhere else thinking of the same name for their awesome band. I guess that's the price you pay for lacking a shred of originality. In honor of our motto (which all MI staffers have tattooed somewhere in their bodies) I did some research and found a few Guillotines out there. But which is the best Guillotine? Here's what I found.

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Like I needed any more reasons to think Sacramento is the worst city in America (second would have to be Greensboro, NC), here come these assbags. Is the bass player wearing a trench coat or was he getting a hair cut right before practice? "Thanks for the haircut, Kayleen. Sorry, I don't have time to take off the faux-silk robe, I gotta get to practice! ... Oh, no we're still practicing at grannie's. She hates that Exploited poster I put up in the living room every time we practice. Her maid is Mexican, so, yeah, I use her flag to cover my 4x12." They have a song up on their myspace page (they got 75 fans, mostly grannie's friends, I'm sure). I'll save you the pain, it's as bad as the band looks. They recorded it using gramma's tape recorder. Hey, they need a drummer, so if you wanna relocate to Sac, go for it. Judging by what I heard, knowing how to play drums is optional.

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These dbags are actually "Guillotined." They label themselves as "black metal." Dude, my super is more evil than these turds and he plays in a Journey cover-band, no joke. These kids are from Illinois and are horrible. I mean terrible. But that's all I'm gonna say about these dudes, my mom always told me it was wrong to make fun of the mentally retarded.

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Dammit I'm gonna run out of insults and I'm only to #3. Teenagers are plain creepy. Period. I want them all to die. This dude's myspace title is "Nothing is Everything." Yeah, that's how deep this fucker is. The music is your average run of the mill bucket-of-shit Casio keyboard electronic waste of time. He needs to stop making crappy "music", take care of that mole on his face and bring me that bag of Chippers. I'm hungry. I wonder if everyone in McKinney, Texas is this retarded.

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This Guillotine's from New Delhi, but I really can't make fun of them. I could not find any of their tunes and the photo looks pretty normal. Well, the one dude's got a sweet axe. The other guy's got rad cow-lick, which in India is like being kissed by the Virgin fucken' Mary. Maybe the drummer shouldn't have taken the photo in their parents' Indian restaurant.

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"Holla't me playa'!" I love it when I can use the "appropriation of black culture" tag! MC Guillotine is from North Carolina. I guess they haven't heard of cellphones down there. Do they even have electricity? Maybe he's so broke he just hasn't payed his April phone bill. Here's a line from his myspace:
"WE WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR THE PRAYERS AND PHONE CALLS FOR SHAYTON AKA GUILLOTINE. HE IS RECOVERING FROM A CAR ACCIDENT THAT LEFT HIM WITH A BROKEN LEG."
Is that sad or funny? I'm not sure.

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I didn't even look to see where these posers are from. They all have short hair and got a chick in the audience? They might as well be from Fruitville, Gaytucky. Emofags, punch yourselves in the face...NOW!

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Giljotina means Guillotine in Slovenian. I wonder how say "broken cymbal" or "put some pants on" in Slovenian

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OK, out of all the Guillotines on this post, this LA outfit is the only one signed to a real label. That is the REAL cover of their record. WOW! The cover belongs in one of Sergeant D's 'Great Moments in Art History' posts. Unfortunately for all of us at MI, these geniuses have split-up. We are all wearing black armbands around the office today. We are only left with this review of their 1989 Full-length "Bring Down the Curtain":
"There’s a sticker on the front cover that totes some guy named Mark Senasac as the producer. After one side of this nine-songer, it’s apparent that's all the record has going for it, and the production is hardly anything to parade around town with."
Ouch.

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"Hey dudes, guess what? My step-dad is moving the grill so we can practice in the dock! The only thing is that Anthony has to use the bags of Kingsford to stop his bass drum from sliding and scratching the deck." These imbeciles list their lyrical themes as: Fantasy, Fate, and Norway. I'm not kidding. Do they have a song about how Norway's rugged coastline is broken by massive fjords and thousands of islands and stretches over 2,500 km?

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Speaking of Scandinavia, this Guillotine are from Umeå, Sweden. They are pretty damn good old school thrash. Check out their names: Snake, Spider and Cobra. Ex-member Rat. You can't make this shit up. Their future members might include Bat, Gecko and Ocelot. In the photo, looks like Spider (rocking a Popeye shirt?) just sneezed and Cobra looks sad. Why is Cobra sad? This is what I got from their website:
"...drummer Cobra was never a real member. He was asked to join the band for a photo shoot. Although he claims he can play the drums, he was never equipped with the skills or know-how to play in a serious band.
I'm telling you, you can't make this shit up!

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These dudes from Santo Andre in Brazil are the hands-down winners! Look at them! They got the mark of true metalheads: awesome long hair, slightly overweight and TONS of patches on denim vests (not to mention their sweatpants)!!! Good patches, too. I spot Slayer, Possessed, Sodom, Motorhead, Anthrax and Dark Angel. If I'd kept attaching patches to my denim jacket past 1993, it'd probably look like this by now. Too bad I'm a fucking poser, 'cuz these cats look all the rage! But it's not all looks, their names are brutal as shit, too: Rene Iron Hell, Marcelo Destructor and Angelo of Death. Plus former members Bruno Mad Butcher and Viviane Possessed. Their music is pretty good, too. They have a ragin' tune called Sexthrash and it kills. There's nothing about these dudes that isn't fucking metal. Congrats playas, you win!