Friday, April 11, 2008

We Sentence You to Death... by GUILLOTINE!

When you name your band a brutal name like "GUILLOTINE" you run the risk of someone else, somewhere else thinking of the same name for their awesome band. I guess that's the price you pay for lacking a shred of originality. In honor of our motto (which all MI staffers have tattooed somewhere in their bodies) I did some research and found a few Guillotines out there. But which is the best Guillotine? Here's what I found.

Like I needed any more reasons to think Sacramento is the worst city in America (second would have to be Greensboro, NC), here come these assbags. Is the bass player wearing a trench coat or was he getting a hair cut right before practice? "Thanks for the haircut, Kayleen. Sorry, I don't have time to take off the faux-silk robe, I gotta get to practice! ... Oh, no we're still practicing at grannie's. She hates that Exploited poster I put up in the living room every time we practice. Her maid is Mexican, so, yeah, I use her flag to cover my 4x12." They have a song up on their myspace page (they got 75 fans, mostly grannie's friends, I'm sure). I'll save you the pain, it's as bad as the band looks. They recorded it using gramma's tape recorder. Hey, they need a drummer, so if you wanna relocate to Sac, go for it. Judging by what I heard, knowing how to play drums is optional.

These dbags are actually "Guillotined." They label themselves as "black metal." Dude, my super is more evil than these turds and he plays in a Journey cover-band, no joke. These kids are from Illinois and are horrible. I mean terrible. But that's all I'm gonna say about these dudes, my mom always told me it was wrong to make fun of the mentally retarded.

Dammit I'm gonna run out of insults and I'm only to #3. Teenagers are plain creepy. Period. I want them all to die. This dude's myspace title is "Nothing is Everything." Yeah, that's how deep this fucker is. The music is your average run of the mill bucket-of-shit Casio keyboard electronic waste of time. He needs to stop making crappy "music", take care of that mole on his face and bring me that bag of Chippers. I'm hungry. I wonder if everyone in McKinney, Texas is this retarded.

This Guillotine's from New Delhi, but I really can't make fun of them. I could not find any of their tunes and the photo looks pretty normal. Well, the one dude's got a sweet axe. The other guy's got rad cow-lick, which in India is like being kissed by the Virgin fucken' Mary. Maybe the drummer shouldn't have taken the photo in their parents' Indian restaurant.

"Holla't me playa'!" I love it when I can use the "appropriation of black culture" tag! MC Guillotine is from North Carolina. I guess they haven't heard of cellphones down there. Do they even have electricity? Maybe he's so broke he just hasn't payed his April phone bill. Here's a line from his myspace:
Is that sad or funny? I'm not sure.

I didn't even look to see where these posers are from. They all have short hair and got a chick in the audience? They might as well be from Fruitville, Gaytucky. Emofags, punch yourselves in the face...NOW!

Giljotina means Guillotine in Slovenian. I wonder how say "broken cymbal" or "put some pants on" in Slovenian

OK, out of all the Guillotines on this post, this LA outfit is the only one signed to a real label. That is the REAL cover of their record. WOW! The cover belongs in one of Sergeant D's 'Great Moments in Art History' posts. Unfortunately for all of us at MI, these geniuses have split-up. We are all wearing black armbands around the office today. We are only left with this review of their 1989 Full-length "Bring Down the Curtain":
"There’s a sticker on the front cover that totes some guy named Mark Senasac as the producer. After one side of this nine-songer, it’s apparent that's all the record has going for it, and the production is hardly anything to parade around town with."

"Hey dudes, guess what? My step-dad is moving the grill so we can practice in the dock! The only thing is that Anthony has to use the bags of Kingsford to stop his bass drum from sliding and scratching the deck." These imbeciles list their lyrical themes as: Fantasy, Fate, and Norway. I'm not kidding. Do they have a song about how Norway's rugged coastline is broken by massive fjords and thousands of islands and stretches over 2,500 km?

Speaking of Scandinavia, this Guillotine are from Umeå, Sweden. They are pretty damn good old school thrash. Check out their names: Snake, Spider and Cobra. Ex-member Rat. You can't make this shit up. Their future members might include Bat, Gecko and Ocelot. In the photo, looks like Spider (rocking a Popeye shirt?) just sneezed and Cobra looks sad. Why is Cobra sad? This is what I got from their website:
"...drummer Cobra was never a real member. He was asked to join the band for a photo shoot. Although he claims he can play the drums, he was never equipped with the skills or know-how to play in a serious band.
I'm telling you, you can't make this shit up!

These dudes from Santo Andre in Brazil are the hands-down winners! Look at them! They got the mark of true metalheads: awesome long hair, slightly overweight and TONS of patches on denim vests (not to mention their sweatpants)!!! Good patches, too. I spot Slayer, Possessed, Sodom, Motorhead, Anthrax and Dark Angel. If I'd kept attaching patches to my denim jacket past 1993, it'd probably look like this by now. Too bad I'm a fucking poser, 'cuz these cats look all the rage! But it's not all looks, their names are brutal as shit, too: Rene Iron Hell, Marcelo Destructor and Angelo of Death. Plus former members Bruno Mad Butcher and Viviane Possessed. Their music is pretty good, too. They have a ragin' tune called Sexthrash and it kills. There's nothing about these dudes that isn't fucking metal. Congrats playas, you win!


  1. Bravo! Bravo!

    the sweapants with patches are the bomb. i so badly want to be friends with those dudes. i bet you they know where to find all the hot metal chicks. their girls probably look like wendy o williams, but with Overkill longsleeves.
    was the deck built over a tiny north american fjord?

  2. You guys are the KAKKA METAL of the 2000's!

  3. SKULLKRUSHER, your thorough research on this subject is an inspiration to us all. Keep up the good work!

  4. Another amazing post. I don't know how the fuck you guys do it.

    The fact that half of these bands exist, much less actually have photographs of themselves on the internet is just sad... and a little but frightening, too.

  5. regarding the first band:

    i think the guy with the first trench coat is like a doctor or mad scientist on the bass. they call him "doctor demento".
    i like how they prop their 2-12 cabinets on dad's pool table. he's gonna be pissed.

  6. oh, shit, i totally didnt see the pool table! im so lame, there's another paragraph of material i missed.


  7. Just the word assbag cracks me up but when there are several paragraphs of comedy gold following it then things couldn't get much better

  8. Poor Cobra, my buddy Dark Squirrel is looking for some band members though...

  9. I love this blog so much. Keep up the good work!

  10. Anonymous Rating for this Post:

    ***** (5 stars!)

  11. Makes you wish that these bands -including our "winners" Brazil's Guillotine and their 3rd rate album "Metal In The Vein" - were / are anywhere near as good as Piledriver (the band that wrote the lyric about guillotine). Nice detective work and humor though

  12. "The other guy's got rad cow-lick, which in India is like being kissed by the Virgin fucken' Mary"

    fucking hilarious!! absolute gold

  13. as always, funny as hell. the "Bring Down the curtain" Guillotine were pretty great. there was about a year or so there where this was never more than a few feet from the box. i always liked the sound they got - kinda crossover but with some nice technical touches and great guitar work. and those sloppy album covers only helped to make records like these even MORE CLASSIC!!

  14. "put some pants on" in Slovenian

    "obleci hlače" (oh-bletzy hluh-che)

    i just love these all-out, revved up posts.

  15. What's wrong with Greensboro, NC?

  16. Now don't lose your heads, Brazilian Guillotine.

  17. What the fuck is this shit!!! I too am in a fuckin guillotine band and we weren't put on this!! My guillotine is probably better than all those fuckers!! I might have competition with the last guillotine though. The second to last ones aren't that great. Hey if you can find us, we'll show all those bitch ass guillotines who really deserves that name. We might have just started, but we can play metal, I guarantee!!

  18. Brazilian Guillotine even wears White high tops!

  19. FUCKING. SHIT. I know the McKinney Texas kid.