Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb

I know we're all supposed to be respectful of each other's cultures...but seriously, how can we have any respect for Europeans when they throw this our way? Who gave Jabba The Hut a mic stand and a leather vest? Whoever you are, please ask for both things back. The fat tub of goo (of an unidentified gender) looks like he's about to blow a major artery in or around his face. If he/she does, we'll all be covered with the cholesterol filled goo that no doubt runs through his/her veins.




Well...I guess that's one way to protect yourself from the onslaught of complete and utter shit that you're about to produce on that budget-ass drum set.





Most kids simply get cash for their Bar Mitzvah, this little fucker's parents got him an entire afternoon with heavy metal dwarf Ronnie James Dio. What a better way to make a 13 year old feel like he's indeed a man in his community, than making him spend an afternoon with a 60 year old who is three feet shorter than him, and wears crushed velvet pants from the Victoria's Secret catalog?




Some scientists have claimed that time travel is impossible. I beg to differ. Not only does it exist, it only costs about $800. Simply buy a ticket to any South American country, and you'll see what I mean.





I guess all losers have to find something to do in order to fill the small gaps of time that exist between being rejected by all members of the opposite sex, and being beaten mercilessly by everyone in their school (including the kid with CP who drools on himself). By the way, put a shirt on. Yes, I'm talking to you bird-chest.




Like any other metal kid growing up, I always had a dream of suddenly finding out that I had a long-lost uncle who no one talked to in my family, one who never came around and lived his life of pure metal somewhere distant and awful...like New Jersey. In my dream, my uncle looked exactly like the guy sitting down in this picture, a bad ass rocker with a sweet mustache who's not afraid of wearing his boxers as outerwear. Sadly, my dream never came true. Now, all I have is this picture.





Look, I know that Nile were kinda' good at one point and all, but if you look at this picture and forget who they are...don't they look like the biggest group of loads you've ever seen? Combat boots with shorts? Are you kidding me? Who are you, goth kids at Six Flags circa 1993? Can't you get some normal guitars? That fat tub looks like he's playing on two wooden rowboat paddles.


Lastly, I know the band has an Egyptian theme (a theme, think about that, much like an 8th grade dance), but that godamned necklace makes tubby look like Professor X from X-Clan.







Studies have shown that one person out of every ten is gay. This means that all our families have at least one gay member in them. If that's true, don't you think a certain family member in each one of these guys' families would have let them in on the fact that they are basically dressed as gay sex slaves?





Okay, so some of you know what band this is. Good for you. Put that aside, and consider the fact that this picture contains a robe, a violin, and two swords. Metal bands are basically doing what most of us did in our basements for fun on Friday nights during the 7th grade, and getting paid for it (however little). As such, I want to make fun of them...but I'm also insanely jealous.

30 comments:

Aesop said...

I'm waiting for you all to do something on this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6PRPJBnhf4

SkullKrusher said...

not only is the whole Nile/Egypt thing totally gay, but they are one of the most repetitive death metal bands ever. talk about overrated!

oh, im not sure when was the last time you went to a six flags, but camo shorts, combat boots, bad facial piercings and oversized black t-shirts are still pretty standard in the NJ six-flags. it's like a rob flynn disease pandemic waiting on line to ride kingda-ka.

Anonymous said...

To have that uncle would have been sweet. Specially considering that uncle comes with a twin that is standing next to him playing the bass! You could have your own redneck heavy metal band, maybe a new Battlecry?

SunnyvaleTrash said...

Who is the band in the last picture?

Carlos said...

That would be Sigh sunny.

By the way, this is the FUNNIEST blog anywhere!

Anonymous said...

wait...so that first pic isn't from a recent Forbidden reunion show?

Helm said...

I think it's worthwhile to mention that the very first picture of the fat person has been subjected to some photoshopping to make her/him appear even more fat, apparently. Check the curve of the belly, it doesn't meet the legs at any coherent fashion, my guess is someone filled in some black there to make it appear fatter. For what reason I will not gamble a guess.

Lucho Metales said...

as a photoshop expert, i can tell you that i think that's the open flap of his/her vest, hence the metal chian in front.

dude on bike said...

The pic before Nile is Tankard, right?

Helm said...

Yeah you're probably right. It's an unfortunate flap to rest like it did in this photo for it makes the person look even rounder than they are.

Anxiety Hangover said...

Dude on the drum kit has an original EYEHATEGOD shirt from their Dopesick album in 96. If dude is an EHG fan, he can play whatever the fuck he wants and look however the fuck he wants.

EYEHATEGOD: Best American band of the last twenty years.

HellboundAlleee said...

The first chick is AWESOME, and European metal kicks american ass!!!

frank said...

Can't believe the first chick is an euro. Obesity is an all american problem, even Michael Moore said that...

-cja said...

that first pic has to be one of the funniest photos... i lol everytime i see it.

old geezer with pipe said...

So we don't have fat fuckers in Euroland? Do you have eyes, Frank?

Timo said...

The first pic is a band called Roctum from Finland.

http://www.alatie.com/roctum
http://www.suezine.fi/pic/Roctum.gif

chris said...

i bet the 4th pic is actually lucho and skullkrusher from back in the day.

mallcorekidsdie said...

man i have to not see nile if i listen to em. kinda like calling a 1 900 sex line...if you ever saw the person, you'd vomit. dallas looks like a meth addict out on parole.

Zachary said...

www.roctum.com

There are even pictures of him wearing a fishnet shirt and a flasher-jacket with no shirt on underneath. The gut hanging out is totally metal.

The Stunk Man is like a power-metal/thinner version of Imperial from Krieg.

The Nile Egyptian thing is even funnier if you consider that two-thirds of the band is white trash. They're playing at this mini-fest I'm going to. Hopefully they play early so I can show up later. Skullkrusher is right: an overrated bore-fest.

Zachary said...

I'm also willing to bet money that the picture of the rockin' uncles was taken during a Baphomet rehearsal.

By Baphomet, I'm obviously referring to the awesome Buffalo death metal band, not the shitty German thrash band.

Lucho Metales said...

Look, we all know that tons of americans are fat and disgusting. but that first picture is proof that the US doesn't have a complete monopoly on being fat and disgusting. dino cazares prooves the same thing, latinos can be just as gross as white americans. equality for all! at least when it comes to being a huge tub of goo.

regarding that picture of the mustache rocking dudes being my brother and i......we wish, we wish.

Anonymous said...

Lucho: Chris wasn't referring to the uncles' pic, he was referring to the pic of the guys with the gorefest and morbid angel pic.
That Finnish guy even sounds like a girl! If it wasn't for the pictures where he and the other fat guy on the band had mustaches (that grow as beard in Billy from testament), I would be happy to bet he was a chick. At least they seem funny and I'm sure they don't give a fuck about the way they look.tdbsq

frank said...

Old geezer with pipe: I love fat chicks with huge boobs...but here I see only fat chiks with zero tits. Weird.
Samantha38g is my goddess!

Zachary: US Baphomet, "The dead shall inherit", a true classic!

mallcorekidsdie said...

bottom line, it seems really ontrived too, to be from the carolinas and write songs like you're an expert on egypt. nile admitted they never ever even visited there. seems kinda silly.

i always thought melechesh were cooler...like what nile would be in one of their nocturnal emissions.

frank said...

"Gay Sex Slaves" photo.

From left to right:

Rick Rozz
Kirk Hammett
Steven Adler
Random guy from teutonic thrash bands

that's a supergroup!

Crap Jackoff said...

Look, I know you guys are all beaners and whatnot, but can't you at least learn how to spell the word "loser?" Time to stop listening to UltimHate.

http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll19/niki1914/ultimhate_sheet_english_.jpg

Anonymous said...

I don't know what you guys are talking about because Nile is awesome and hilarious. They have fucking lessons about German grammar in the liner notes to Annihilation of the Wicked! They have a song about how linen was really expensive in Ancient Egypt so people had to save money for their entire lives if they wanted to be mummified!

Anonymous said...

The 13 year-old bar mitzvah boy with Dio is "comedian" Dave Hill.

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