Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Waking The Cadaver: When wigger slam goes TOO FAR

There's no time for love, just time for hate!!

You know what I love? Fucking Fury of V. Back in the mid 90s, when mesh shorts, Tommy Hilfiger tank tops, and visors were the order of the day, Fury fucking held it down. Nobody fucked with those guys!! And if they did, they caught a Jersey-style beatdown! Those were the days, my friends. But you know what I don't love? When Jersey shore wiggers play crappy slam metal. And that brings us to Waking The Cadaver, a budget wigger slam band from somewhere on the Jersey shore. There many things wrong with WTC, but you can boil it down to three main issue:

1. They are the wrong kind of wiggers
When Japanese people or Europeans try to be wiggers, it's cute. It's kind of a novelty, like dressing your cat up in a funny costume or women's sports. With chavs or that weird jumpstyle dancing, you can excuse it because they're Euros, which means that they might as well be infantile retards so you can't really hold it against them. The problem here is that WTC are real life, authentic American wiggers, and nobody wants more of those.

Big pants waste precious fabric
(I stole that line from some 90s punk comp)

2. They are popular with Myspace homos
Perhaps because of their hardcore origins, WTC became an interweb phenomenon among suburban 17 year olds with girl jeans and Myspace haircuts. The results? Well... you can see below- it's not pretty:

Like Job For A Cowboy, Despised Icon, and whatever other atrocious bands are playing this wretched style, this is reason enough to hate WTC.

Note the abundance of wiggerish arm movements at around :35

3. Absence of quality control
The fact that there is a wigger slam band that I do not like should be the first sign of trouble. As MI readers know, my standards for slam metal are not exactly high. For example, I love Artery Eruption, although when I played them for Lucho Metales, he said "Dude... come on. We could do that in my garage in like 45 minutes." And he was right. Yet WTC is below even my laughably low standards for wigger slam metal.

Let's begin with the name of their album: "Perverse Recollections Of A Necromangler." Necromangler?? Again, if they were Japs or Euros, it would be fine (for example, Blunt Force Trauma's song "Fight In Anus" is great). But they don't have ESL as an excuse.

Cypress Hill sticker on guitar = not OK

The lyrics are pretty much what you would expect from the Einsteins that invented the word "Necromangler":
Countless nights getting twisted
extreme illicit substance inhalation.
Fuck...I'm craving some penetration
because hoes, let me tell you,
i do it unprotected like its my occupation,
and guaranteed
your puckering up your lips for a spraying.
Now keep in mind I am a huge Meatshits fan, so it's not like I am particularly demanding or looking for anything intellectual. But this is on another level of subhuman stupidity, something like what you would expect from Insane Clown Posse. For example, I think this verse from "What Is A Juggalo?" could be WTC lyrics:
What is a Juggalo?
He just dont care.
He might try to put a weave in his nut hair.
Cuz he could give a fuck less what a bitch thinks,
He tell her that her butt stinks, and all that.
WTC or random shitty hardcore band on Back Ta Basics? You be the judge.

As for their songwriting skills, rather than think of something witty myself, I will plagiarize some review from Encyclopedia Metallum instead:
I'm serious, the only riffs on the album are so mindlessly simplistic, the arbitrary blastbeats are the only thing that seperates them from being breakdowns themselves! If that's not enough, the only thing more "brootal" than the breakdowns is the breakdowns WITHIN the breakdowns. And the meta-breakdowns. And the resulting breakdowns whenever the band decides to cool off after "breaking it down".
Meta-breakdowns!! That is what we call solid gold.


  1. Talkin' shit about Back ta basics now? WTF?

  2. "they're Euros, which means that they might as well be infantile retards"

    There's a friend of mine that could kill for a sentence like that: "You f****** yankee, take a planisphere and show me where Europe is!!!!"

  3. This isn't any different from the rest of the slam you like in any way other than it's not made by the Japanese or Belgians and that's why you hate it is what you're telling us. "I hate it cuz it's popular" I can understand somewhat.

    Still the piece was funny! I think you should write about wigger slam more!

  4. helm, i know it is very similar, but it's really not the same! for example, WTC's slam riffs are really just 90s hardcore e-chug with half-assed pig squeals over them. "i hate it because it's popular" is part of it (naturally), but only a small part. mostly it's that i am deeply and personally offended that a bunch of hardcore new jacks would dare to attempt to play slam metal! you can understand why i would become territorial about something as dear to me as slam.

    and for the record, i don't like euro slam metal! i only like american and japanese slam metal. euros are brilliant at many things (such as typography and making soft-boiled eggs), but brainless slam metal is not one of them. where they go wrong is trying add melody.

  5. I get that Fury of Five line, "There's no time for love, just time to kill, just time to kill!" stuck in my head ALL THE TIME. Totally out of nowhere. You simply can't lose with that and, "Feelings don't get hurt they get murdered!" in the same song. Classic.

  6. Quick Fury of V story: apparently, during a European tour with Integrity, members of both bands started the Car Flip Crew, which involved them running around at night flipping over those little Euro cars.

  7. You can't talk shit about Metallica's drum sound in St Anger (which are awful) if you like Artery Eruption. I hadn't heard them before I clicked in that link to their MySpace site (and I think I won't hear them again), but just judging by the songs there (that must be "good" if they are trying to promote the band with that), those drums couldn't be worst.

  8. anyway, the post was good (same anonymous as before)

  9. the mid 90s were a glorious time for wiggers and new jersey was ground zero. i'm glad that there are still bands carrying the torch for wiggerdom, but nothing is worse than new jack poserdom and WTC are guilty as charged. in the words of ant$, "it's all about the cream nigga and i'm 'a live out my dream nigga and be the richest, rock the flyest clothes get all the bitches. fuck them jealous niggas they can lick
    my dick tip."

  10. re: frank

    i doubt these morons could show you where new jersey is.

  11. Ha! I love that the only group who gets shit for playing wigger slam is wiggers!

  12. NEWYORKMENT's myspace page says they started because the heard WTC.

    Funny thing is their label Necroharmonic has re-released some really good stuff.

  13. Holy crap! My buddy and I were watching Job for a Cowboy be awful at Gigantour and jokingly asked each other if this band qualifies as Wigger Slam.

    You offhandedly confirmed it in a passing reference in this post!

    Metal Inquisition: The final authority on Wigger Slam!


  14. sergeant d: You know you make me listen to a bit of slam every time you make a slam-related post but before I can discern a 'good part' for a 'bad part' in the random slam band I am listening to on myspace... the tides of inherent hilarity in this type of music just wash away any critical capacity I once approached them with. It's just so funny as a type of music. Especially when it crossovers with gangsta rap.

    It's similar to how you don't get black metal I guess, and there's so much brilliant, just brilliant black metal for me but you might never get over how they come off as with the spikes and corpsepaint and the overwrought lyrics and titles. I could argue with you all day on how Fleurety are extremely important and nothing at all like Dimmu Borgir and you could argue back how Pyrexia - well ok, not Pyrexia because I can see the appeal in Pyrexia to a degree... let's go with Ce... haha.. Cephalothrypsy's ( fake-latinized greek for "the proccess of head grinding" btw) brand of PITT SLAMMING GRUTAL BUTTURALITY -- is so much better than Waking the Cadaver but I'll be stuck on the inherent hilarity of japanese manchilds aping american manchilds playing their little prostitute disembowlement fantasy theater while trying to appear tough in their 'urban street wear' and hard-knit BRUTAL posses. It's just a whole different level of ridiculous for me that by far outweighs the relatively begnin fantastical in black metal. At least in black metal is serves a concrete artistic end: the desire to attach meaning to one's life and qualify their desires. Slam metal does nothing of the sort, it seems like a joke from the getgo.

    All that said, I do listen to a bit of slam every time you make a slam post so we'll see how that goes in the long run! What's to keep is that MI is funnier when there's actual, honest to god, love for what is being mocked at the time. It makes you guys write better. It's like that when you go all art critic on album covers you liked as children or when you talk of Nocturnus or when it's about wigger slam. It's just boring internet whining when you go off about stuff you never understood or personally invested in, like say, Voivod.

  15. I'll be stuck on the inherent hilarity of japanese manchilds aping american manchilds playing their little prostitute disembowlement fantasy theater while trying to appear tough in their 'urban street wear' and hard-knit BRUTAL posses

    that's the best part of slam metal!! i'm glad you also enjoy it! it really is one of the most absurd and bizarre phenomena in the history of man.

    i don't care for (much) black metal but i do know there's a lot of variation within the genre. for example, i actually have a huge soft spot for the weird ambient stuff like Moevot or Aäkon Këëtrëh or the really raw early USBM like Von and Havohej.

  16. If it's any consolation, judging by the thin spot at the top of his head, the kid in the first vid will be 90% bald by the time he's 30.

  17. God fuck this band....

    They are a disgrace to slam bands, and the worse part is, they're wiggers. That just throws in self-humiliation.

  18. i'm ashamed to have these same retards come from the same state i reside in.

    more FOV trivia: Stickman was arrested for stealing a bike. hence the reason he went to prison after Position of Power. dude's hard.

    captcha word = digmat

  19. What a fucking boring band, slam bands are boring as shit. Its just as bad as black metal flavored disco-pop. Metal: killed by the masses!