Thursday, August 14, 2008

Separated at Birth: Olympic Edition

I know that, in the top 1000 least metal things to do, watching the Olympic Games ranks just below buying your dog a Halloween costume. But it's not my fault. Last weekend I came down with a bad, bad case of Olympic Fever (almost as contagious as Robb Flynn Disease). I didn't watch 5 minutes of the Olympics in 2004, but I'm addicted to the damn thing this year.

Anyway, I was discussing with the old lady (aka my ball-and-chain), which Olympic athletes we'd pork. Alicia Sacramone and Misty May were my top 2, of course. Then she mentioned Michael Phelps. I'm so metal, I only heard about this dude 7 days ago, but I know enough to know he's ugly as an old man's armpit. I couldn't believe she'd say his name! "Dude, he's fucking ugly!" I told her, "He looks mildly retarded, for Pete's sake! He looks like... he looks like..." Holy shit. That's when it dawned on me! Michale Phelps and Dan Lilker were separated at birth!

The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Besides their horrible looking face, oddly shaped chin, over sized nose and previously mentioned mentally handicapped demeanor, these two guys have a lot in common. Phelps has won 11 Olympic medals, Lilker has been in 11 shitty bands. Phelps is a dumb flag waiving patriot, Lilker was in SOD... The similarities keep coming:

Their tooth-to-gum ratio is exactly the same


They both look great in shorts. OK, maybe not.


Their sleepy eyes and weird jaw-line makes me want to give them both a hug. Or a drop kick to the face.


The one place were they differ is who they hang out with. Lilker mostly hangs out with loser metalheads has-been's and never-were's in the NY area. Meanwhile, Phelps chills with the president, Bob Costas, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, John Travolta and other famous peeps.

Phelps with a few friends


Lilker with a few friends



As always, here's a random image i found while researching this post. Enjoy.


21 comments:

  1. bravo! i'm glad to see that M.I. is continuing its strong research efforts. the shot of danny in shorts, with black shoes and white socks made me dry-heave. thanks.

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  2. Im totally with you on this one. Prior to this year I would bash the olympics any chance I had, but now I can't stop watching them. My only excuse is the awesomely small uniforms worn by the female athletes. Beach volleyball ftw.

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  3. I read in the paper today that one of the reasons Phelps can swim so fast is because he has ridicously long arms. Like two bikini babes in one arm long (also notice how the girl in the blue bikini has shoulder muscles almost as big as Phelps') In the white socks/black shoes photos it shows that Lilkers has really long arms too. Maybe are also good for fast bass playing?

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  4. yeah, that girl in the blue bikini is some swimmer, too.

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  5. phelps has super huge feet. size 14 or something, like flippers. danny probably has long fingers, which allows him to play the first notes in SOD's "milk" so well. it's all science.

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  6. my heart goes out to you, krusher: that is one truly ugly motherfucker.

    i know what it's like when you find out your old lady likes ugly dudes. makes you doubt your good looks.

    the post was hilarious, but that last pic... my god! how do you even come across such a thing? do you google for "patriot"?

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  7. Hilarious... I love the pic of Lilker in the cut-off jorts and the fully extended jimmy-three-striper socks. That shit screams metal. As for the last pic....whoa...so many "WTF"'s in that pic that I'm at a loss for words. I do love the fact that he took the time to prop up his guitard hero axe next to that bargain-ass strat. He seems totally comfortable chillin like that on the futon in his mom's baasement and...Are those fucking pellet guns mixed in his "arsenal"? Please divulge which retard's facebook page you got that picture from.

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  8. Really what the fuck did you Google to find that last pic, "Ain't had pussy since pussy had him" ???

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  9. That last dude looks like a Ted Nugent fan.
    Wango de tango!!!

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  10. Good find SkullKrusher, your level of observation is immaculate. I admit that I also have been watching the olympics like I've got SARS and NBC is the only cure...
    Phelps will never be the same to me again.

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  11. ok, here's the answer all you have been waiting for!

    i googled "lilker" images. page 14.

    there, now you know.

    .

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  12. again prooving that MI staffers go the extra distance. in other blogs, they would stop looking at images after page 12...not us. we go to page 14 for you.

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  13. if your girl is into ugly dudes, you might want to take a look in the mirror.......


    great post!

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  14. The best swimmer in my high school back in the 80's was one of the few kids openly into thrash metal.

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  15. Chris, above, brings up an interesting point. For those of you 'youngsters' out there, the majority of people used to shit on Thrash Metal the same way they shit on Death metal in later years. A few years later, these same Cheesers were the ones buying Metallica's "Black Album" (and I don't care what any faggot says, that was the beginning of the sell-out). Just goes to show you that cheese sells, and everyone's buying.

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  16. the fugly dude on the lastpic almost looks like he has his pistol pointed at his own "pistol"...cant deny his lack of sexual activity has led to a complex

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  17. The guy is butt lucky, too.

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  18. the strange thing about the female athletes for me is this: despite having flawless, jaw-dropping bodies and wearing incredibly small bikinis, i don't find them the SLIGHTEST BIT attractive. they just remind me of softball dykes or something.

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  19. sargent D, thats cuz you like to polish knob.

    ian you poseur, the black album wasnt "the beginning of the sell-out", ...and justice for all was.

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  20. They're also both very public with their affinity for weed smoking!

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