Monday, August 25, 2008

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb (Part 2)


As this picture was taken, a father turned to his concerned wife during a quiet dinner and said the following:

"Oh, will you relax Estelle! Jason's just away at college having a good time, it's not like he's letting his friends crucify him upside-down in order to parade him around the dorm."

Please note that the guy getting crucified is wearing sandals, in order to make the whole thing that much more realistic. Bravo. Others would have just worn their white New Balance walking shoes and called it a day.



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Memo
To: Aspiring Teenage Black Metallers
From: Black Metal Governing Body (BMGB)
Re: Make-up

As the BMGB has stated before (see Memo #3651), the differences between the make-up required to be an evil black metaller, a mime, a juggalo and a clown may seem slight...but they are crucial. First, please remember to follow the very important 60-40 rule (roughly 60% must be black or white, with the remaining 40% being the other color) and remember not to pose in front of your grandma's floral drapes for band pictures. We admire your use of the "holding two evil grapefruits" pose, but we must also remind you that the use of top-hats is absolutely banned, and best left to 75 year old Jewish women like Alice Cooper. Thank you for your cooperation.

When you think about it, a clown like this way is actually way creepier and more evil than any black metal douche will ever be. Why? Because as this picture was taken he was on the phone, even though he was roaming....which will incur unbelievable roaming charges to be paid by his employer (who pays for his phone bill). Is that not evil? I think it is.

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This is what happens when you leave your pet black metal band out in the backyard while it's raining. The band gets all wet and sad-looking. Lesson learned? Bring your pet black metal band indoors before its plumage gets all droopy.

By the way, if I ever find the photographer who took this shot, I'm gonna' have a few words with him. Why on earth would he crop out the guy on the left (barely visible) who is clearly a pioneer in the arena of Victorian-Black Metal fashion? If there's one thing I love about pseudo black metal bands, it's their flair for mixing in dabs of victorian, goth and gay fashion in. These guys went ahead and brought in bridal fashion, pirate fashion and topped it off with a dark blue rain poncho. Amazing.



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1. Is that the tiny microphone that comes with Rock Band?
2. Laser hair removal. Look it up. I mean, who has hair on the underside of their forearms? This guy must be part monkey, or Italian. Oh, that's the same thing. Sorry.
3. Note the extremely straight, and perfect line in which his chest hair ends. Ugh.
4. Tasteful ceiling fan. I love its ornate, detailed body, with its Tuscan-inspired patina finish.




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I can't even begin to make fun of these guys. My brother and I would have willingly given up our thumbs to know dudes like this,and be their friends back in 1989. Come to think of it, I would still kill to be their friend today. The guy furthest to the right gets points deducted for not wearing high-tops (is he going to church or something?), but the rest of the dudes are pretty much the coolest guys I've ever seen. The only thing missing from the picture to make it the raddest dudes ever circa 1987-89? A skateboard.


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Could someone, anyone, send a memo to all black metal bands clearly outlining the delicate, yet obvious boundaries between evil attire, and S&M gay leather-bar gear? It's bad enough that teenagers are already wearing clown make-up thinking it's black metal...but this is ridiculous. The Black Metal Governing Body really has to get on this stuff, or black metal will become a joke. Wait, it already has.


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At first, you look at this picture and think there's little wrong with it. Then you look closer and see the following:
1. Police tape guitar strap. Why? Because his slap-bass skillz are KILLER!
2. Denim shorts? Really? Jesus, I thought that by the time a Will Farrell movie (Talladega Nights) made fun of something, everyone knew it was time to retire these things.
3. Mexican singer dude has fingerless gloves that say "love" and "hate" on the knuckles. Wearing these things is pretty much like wearing one of those bodysuits that makes it look like you have tattoos when you don't.



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I can't take credit for the Photoshop work on this one. I would have done a better job, and would never let the word "covering" be hyphenated. Still, it's pretty good. By the way, I thought we had all agreed on the "facial hair doesn't mix with black metal make-up" rule. No?


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God damn! Is there a "Turbo" button in the Japanese* psyche that allows them to take any element of a sub-culture to the extreme? If so, I want a "Turbo" button. Check out the names of the band members:

Freddy, Left Face of Maradou
The pseudo black metal equivalent of TLC's Lisa Left-Eye Lopez

Doris, Thunder Tears
Her name comes from the ongoing crying fits that are brought on when she's told that she's the only female member due to regulations in the world of pop black metal which clearly state that one member must be a female.

Dani, Azathothian Hands
Azathoth is a fictional character created by HP Lovecraft...I'm guessing he had way evil hands.

CJ, Dispersed Fingers
I guess his fingers are spread far apart or something? Is that evil? What's the deal with these guys being so obsessed with fingers and hands?

Su-Nung, The Bloody String
Yes, that's the guy's actual name. Here at M.I. we like to keep things classy. As such, we'll let the readers insert their own joke about tampons here.


Lastly, Check out the haircut on the guy standing on the top right of the picture. Remind you of anyone? He's like the Rachael of black metal


* Yes, it's been pointed out that Chthonic are actually from Taiwan...but saying they're from Japan is funnier.

11 comments:

  1. ChthoniC are from Taiwan, not Japan.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "the use of top-hats is absolutely banned"

    Tell this to that guy who played keys in Dimmu Borgir

    http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y166/Zenial/lsd/banda-i/dimmubo6.jpg

    I also recommend you this video:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJTqvFCU6GA&feature=related

    ReplyDelete
  3. oldest man to ever liveAugust 25, 2008 at 4:18 AM

    Stian Aarstad was pretty much told what was up from the start, wasn't he? Last I noticed him he was producing the "Boys boys boys" cover by Aylar Lie, who's still better known for jerking off one cock in each hand and trying to speak coherent English at the same time, all the while being coked up to the north of the moon and on videotape.

    As for facial hair and corpsepaint, King Diamond has that shit on lockdown.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "The Black Metal Governing Body really has to get on this stuff, or black metal will become a joke. Wait, it already has"..........Spot on!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm Rockso and I do c-c-c-c-cocaine.
    Lots of c-c-cocaine.

    ReplyDelete
  6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJTqvFCU6GA&feature=related

    Holy fucking shit, Frank, that made me pee a little. Everyone watch this video now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. we posted that some time back

    http://metalinquisition.blogspot.com/2008/01/amazing-moments-in-black-metal-video_29.html

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've seen Chthonic live a couple of times in their homeland. There is a youtube clip of them being interviewed by a puppet while in the states. It's in English. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFaippKBdFQ

    ReplyDelete
  9. the BMGB's monthly newsletter had a pretty interesting article in june about the proper length of spikes and nails on gear. I recommend you check it out, it was most insightful and cleared a lot questions i had on the topic.

    ReplyDelete
  10. the "holding two evil grapefruits" pose

    priceless....

    ReplyDelete