Dan Lilker-The Renee Zellweger of the metal world?

We're all friends here right? At least I hope we are, because I've already admitted to our readers in previous posts that I've been known to browse through the pages of US Weekly. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that two of my passions in life, (celebrity gossip AND metal) have finally collided. Who could have predicted this? Not me.

Here's how it all happened. As part of my usual Saturday routine, I was browsing through the internet looking for pictures of Dan Lilker's tiny, baby-like teeth. Is it weird that I do that as part of my Saturday routine? What do you guys do on Saturday afternoons?

As we've discussed before, Dan's tiny teeth are just one of the facial features that make him look almost exactly like swimmer Michael Phelps, who also looks like he's severely retarded.

Anyway, while searching through images I suddenly realized something....something amazing....something I simply had to share with the world. As it turns out, much in the same way that Dan is a musical one-trick-pony (his trick being mostly playing in bands that suck), he is also a one-trick-pony when it comes to posing for pictures. It's true! Dan has one default pose that he loves, which was probably developed in his Anthrax days. Now that he has mastered this pose, he sticks to it like stink on a monkey. What does this have to do with Renee Zellweger you ask? Lots! Not only is she also really annoying and ugly, but she also has a standard pose. I'm sure her publicist or stylist told her she looked best in this very unusual pose (who turns their back to the camera and looks over their shoulder?), and now she seems to only pose in this way for photographers. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I'd also like to suggest that based on their level of ugliness, there may be a tighter connection between the two. You be the judge:



Guy who looks like he has Down Syndrome, and has tiny teeth with huge gums:




Annoying, squinty actress who always does that awful fake British accent:




Before you make fun of me for noticing this, or point out how this is a useless post...please consider that I've just given you a great conversation starter for awkward situations at work. I've already tried it with some pretty important people at work, and they ate this up! Try it!

Separated at Birth: Olympic Edition

I know that, in the top 1000 least metal things to do, watching the Olympic Games ranks just below buying your dog a Halloween costume. But it's not my fault. Last weekend I came down with a bad, bad case of Olympic Fever (almost as contagious as Robb Flynn Disease). I didn't watch 5 minutes of the Olympics in 2004, but I'm addicted to the damn thing this year.

Anyway, I was discussing with the old lady (aka my ball-and-chain), which Olympic athletes we'd pork. Alicia Sacramone and Misty May were my top 2, of course. Then she mentioned Michael Phelps. I'm so metal, I only heard about this dude 7 days ago, but I know enough to know he's ugly as an old man's armpit. I couldn't believe she'd say his name! "Dude, he's fucking ugly!" I told her, "He looks mildly retarded, for Pete's sake! He looks like... he looks like..." Holy shit. That's when it dawned on me! Michale Phelps and Dan Lilker were separated at birth!

The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Besides their horrible looking face, oddly shaped chin, over sized nose and previously mentioned mentally handicapped demeanor, these two guys have a lot in common. Phelps has won 11 Olympic medals, Lilker has been in 11 shitty bands. Phelps is a dumb flag waiving patriot, Lilker was in SOD... The similarities keep coming:

Their tooth-to-gum ratio is exactly the same


They both look great in shorts. OK, maybe not.


Their sleepy eyes and weird jaw-line makes me want to give them both a hug. Or a drop kick to the face.

The one place were they differ is who they hang out with. Lilker mostly hangs out with loser metalheads has-been's and never-were's in the NY area. Meanwhile, Phelps chills with the president, Bob Costas, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, John Travolta and other famous peeps.

Phelps with a few friends


Lilker with a few friends

As always, here's a random image i found while researching this post. Enjoy.

Wanderlust: Metal Edition (China)

In this edition of Wanderlust: Metal Edition, MI staff take you down the mountains from Nepal and into China. You could say that this post is in honor of the Olympics, although who really gives two shits about those sports. It is pretty absurd people actually care about them. I have no idea why I am even commenting on it. On to the learning...




This is the first stop on our little journey down the silk road. From the comments I believe this band is called Continue and at first you are thinking that they could rock. You get kind of stoked on seeing a little girl belting out some brutal grunts. Turns out this is their gimmick. This isn’t death metal, I could almost imagine seeing this band play with Ringworm or Day of Suffering more so than Obituary or Malevolent Creation. Sure the guitarist can belt out a little solo, but he seems to have forgotten how to riff and structure a song.




Here we go again. Dear god why does this keep happening. Another girl and another band with a few riffs. All credit to them for adding more than a few breakdowns with a solo. Fine. You get credit. But you are still bad dudes. The second song is better, but I didn’t care to watch the whole thing. Purgatory is less of a band and more of a way of life I guess. Easy joke, I know.




Ok, another band and another girl singer, although there is some debate as to whether or not this is Purgatory I guess. Who cares. It starts out good enough, but once again it takes a big shit in your mouth. I like to think it looks like they are playing in that club from Wayne’s World. You know the one. The GasWorks I think it was called, but there is no Tia Carrera here. You know what else? The guitarist can solo...and he wants to show you that.




I feel the same way so far on this trip as I do when thinking about Christian death metal. Where the music just isn’t right enough and it is labeled as being true to form but it just sounds like a poor imitation. I think this band could be Hatebreed or something. Meh. Could they not learn about metal on the internet? Don't they have the web in China? Even Necrovore has a Myspace page.




Not so bad. I am not a huge fan of black metal, but at least they sound like something. It is kind of like Dummy Burger. The even have a dumb name. “Raping Corpse to Sacrifice the Moon” sounds like a direct translation and is sadly less kvlt and more evil emo or something.




So this band has nothing to do with China. I just thought the name was funny (Chaos in China) and appreciate the backyard birthday jam session they have going on here. You know the dad filmed this at the request of mom because she thought it was cute. He hated it but thought he could try out his new camera to see how close he could match the style of filming he saw on Austin City Limits. Mom was so proud. The kids were stoked because they were getting the people stoked. Soon afterwards they all left Metallica behind and became trapped in dead end jobs. Kind of like how Metallica ended up.