Monday, January 26, 2009

Dan Lilker-The Renee Zellweger of the metal world?


We're all friends here right? At least I hope we are, because I've already admitted to our readers in previous posts that I've been known to browse through the pages of US Weekly. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that two of my passions in life, (celebrity gossip AND metal) have finally collided. Who could have predicted this? Not me.

Here's how it all happened. As part of my usual Saturday routine, I was browsing through the internet looking for pictures of Dan Lilker's tiny, baby-like teeth. Is it weird that I do that as part of my Saturday routine? What do you guys do on Saturday afternoons?



As we've discussed before, Dan's tiny teeth are just one of the facial features that make him look almost exactly like swimmer Michael Phelps, who also looks like he's severely retarded.


Anyway, while searching through images I suddenly realized something....something amazing....something I simply had to share with the world. As it turns out, much in the same way that Dan is a musical one-trick-pony (his trick being mostly playing in bands that suck), he is also a one-trick-pony when it comes to posing for pictures. It's true! Dan has one default pose that he loves, which was probably developed in his Anthrax days. Now that he has mastered this pose, he sticks to it like stink on a monkey. What does this have to do with Renee Zellweger you ask? Lots! Not only is she also really annoying and ugly, but she also has a standard pose. I'm sure her publicist or stylist told her she looked best in this very unusual pose (who turns their back to the camera and looks over their shoulder?), and now she seems to only pose in this way for photographers. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I'd also like to suggest that based on their level of ugliness, there may be a tighter connection between the two. You be the judge:



Guy who looks like he has Down Syndrome, and has tiny teeth with huge gums:




Annoying, squinty actress who always does that awful fake British accent:




Before you make fun of me for noticing this, or point out how this is a useless post...please consider that I've just given you a great conversation starter for awkward situations at work. I've already tried it with some pretty important people at work, and they ate this up! Try it!

25 comments:

  1. "tooth to gum ratio" lol

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  2. The tiny baby teeth fact is hilarious xD and I'll be able to talk about Renée in elevators, fuck the weather.

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  3. No no.. He looks like Bobby Peru from Wild at Heart, only with big hair.

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  4. Anyone know the origins of the "Holding the invisible grapefruit" pose? Could be interesting research, and by "interesting research", I mean a wasted afternoon that you'll regret the next day.

    Lucho, don't worry: this entry will not even come close to being as fruity as Sarge's review of the new Crazytown album, which will be released this spring.

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  5. ^^^

    I think it's supposed to represent the idiotic cramp you get when the "power of evil" starts surging through you. Basically a variation on the pose of just about any comic superhero, only hella evil.

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  6. ha! that was brilliant... Renee is annoying with that squinting deal - me thinks she needs a good pair of glasses.

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  7. You fucked poor Danny harder than Scott Ian in this post!

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  8. poor danny, everyone has their way with him. even in nuclear assault, they usually turned his bass down lower than Jason Newsted's.


    question, is the imaginary grapefruit that is being held in this popular pose evil? i mean, what is that pose so metal and evil? my grandma eats grapefruit, and she's not very metal. how did imaginary grapefruit become so prevelant in metal. i'll never understand.

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  9. funny, i was just thinking about brutal truth as i was going to sleep last night. specifically about how the "perpetual conversion" ep is their best release and how it's weird how they got much LESS metal with each record.

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  10. the later drummer for BT, not rich hoak, works at a CD exchange. why am i not surprised?

    man, i thought this post was gonna get mad love. i guess i still don't fully get our readership.

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  11. Lucho,
    few comments don't mean much. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say, even if I think the post was good. Keep digging on dark stuff like this. I don't have the eagle eye to find these amazing coincidences. Your research is essential.

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  12. Actually, in Nuclear Assault bass was more audible than guitars...'cos Glenn and Dan were the more talented musicians in that band.
    Why bother with this harmless bass player, anyway?
    Write something brutal about scumbags like Phil Anselmo, Glen Benton or Ted Nugent, instead!

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  13. Way back in like 1983, I loaned Danny Lilker 20 cents so he could buy a Choco-Dile for lunch & he never paid me back. Cheap fuckin' weirdo.

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  14. making fun of glen benton or phil anselmo is like punching a baby in the face. funny, but too easy.

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  15. Dan Lilker drove a "gypsy cab" (NYC people know what I'm talking about) in the 90's. He once drove my friend Liam home. My friend obviously recognized him and then Dan played him some Hemlock (his black metal band) on the ride.

    Coincidentally, my old band went on to do a split 10"/CD with Hemlock.

    Dan is such a cool guy and a metal lifer!

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  16. I guess rather than laugh at Dan for looking ugly, I pity him. As another poster observed, he is a metal lifer. He is way cooler than anyone else that played in Anthrax, and he had the good sense to get fired from that band before Stomp 442 or Strap on my Oldschool.

    And I would totally rail that Renee chick. So there. Post=fail. Sorry. Maybe more in depth stuff like that post on Dan Spitz. Crazy!

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  17. In the mid-90's, I'd have shot a man in the face 2 times for such an attack on one Danny Lilker. Tiny teeth jokes = funny. A lot of the rest...not so much. Nuclear Assault AND S.O.D. sucked???

    DL is way cooler than all of this site's regulars combined. Check yo' self before you wreck yo' self!

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  18. ...sorry...I meant in the mid-80's.

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  19. High-larious! I never quite got how brutal truth was so mind blowing. It sounds like every other shit death metal band to me.

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  20. Thanks Lucho, you never disappoint, sometimes I myself won't post anything when I've had a hearty good chuckle reading your entries, so don't take it as a 'no love' type o deal. I Can't say I'm too thrilled about your celebutard worship, Got to have something to talk about with the femeninas I guess?.... but atleast you keep it METTLE!

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  21. Poor Dan. We love you man, but your baby teeth are just so hard to not make fun of...

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  22. This article rules. I went to college with Metal Ron, the singer in Crucifist. I saw Crucifist a couple times, but I had no idea their bass player was this living legend!! How the hell did he end up in Rochester anyway?

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  23. I hate scott ian's braided beard, I really fuckin mean that . I would not see anthrax just because of that

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