Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Retroview: Nitro

George Lynch miniature, anybody?

For better or worse, I am a child of the 80s shred scene. I first started playing guitar in '89, when the magazines were still full of shit like Cacophony, Mr. Big, Vinnie Vincent, Steve Vai, George Lynch, and so forth. Back then, before Nirvana ruined everything and made people understand that songwriting was more important that shredding, we fetishized technique above all else. The magazines were sweet, full of pictures of androgynous dudes with big hair and no shirt making a funny face as they shredded the fuck out of some neon green Washburn. Out of all those bands, though, none of the could hold a candle to Nitro. They played faster, sang higher, and looked more like characters from Mad Max than anyone else! Needless to say, we are huge Nitro fans here at Metal Inquisition, and we think it's high time to look back at this band's output.



OFR (Out Fuckin' Rageous)
Nitro's debut is, without a doubt, one of the finest pieces of recorded music in the history of mankind. And let me be perfectly clear here that while Nitro are hilarious and ridiculous, I 100% non-ironically love this record! Look how the pieces of the logo are exploding out of the letters and shit! BAM!! You can feel the crackling energy!! Some of the highlights:



Freight Train
This song is about how Nitro is like a freight train... whatever that means. I guess it is kind of like the analogy questions on the SAT that are like Nitro:Freight Train :: Racer X:____________ and you have to fill it in (I would have answered that question with "Lambo Countach," by the way). Make sure you watch Michael Angelo blaze the fretboard of his four-necked guitar (count 'em- four necks!). The guy wasn't fucking around. Jimmy Page thought he was onto some shit with his double-necked business, but Michael Angelo took it to a completely different level that is rivaled only by Kane Roberts' assault rifle guitar (below).

Fighting Mad
This song is about a fight. Not only that, but the fight is so heated, it seems likely that someone may lose their life! You can only imagine how intense and vivid the song feels! That said, I feel like parts of it could have been a little rushed. I may be going out on a limb here, but I am going to say that Jim Gillette didn't put a ton of thought into these lyrics:
You never crossed me, I hope you never will
Backed in a corner, I'm forced to kill
Don't say I haven't warned you, you're fucking with your life
Nothing can save you, not even a knife
Seriously? "Not even a knife"? I mean, I don't think anybody expects Shakespeare but come on, at least make it look like you tried.

The liner notes
Many years before 4chan and I Can Has Cheezburger made it cool, Nitro used ironic spelling to great effect in the liner notes of OFR. For example, they articulate their stance on drug abuse as follows: "DRUGZ R 4 DUMFUCKS. DON'T BE A DUMFUCK." Actually, I'm not sure it was ironic, I think they are just dummies who are functionally illiterate. The end result is the same, though, so whatever.

Nice basket of fruit

Bobby Rock

Someday we really need to write a whole post about Nitro drummer Bobby Rock, who is an extremely bizarre human being. For now, please just take a few moments to head over to his site and get some tips on vegan bodybuilding, read some of his erotic stories, and look at pictures of him meditating. It's kind of mind-blowing so make sure you've prepared yourself first with plenty of fasting, prayer, and stretches!! Here's a sample of some of his erotica- it puts Penthouse Letters to shame:

You are brought into the UCLA Medical Division for a top-secret, cutting-edge experiment. It's a referral-only program and, because of a connection you have with an old family friend, you are among the first selected. You meet your contact and are ushered through a few hallways and into a laboratory environment, where various doctors and assistants are walking around this maze of test tubes and computer screens in their long white coats. You are inevitably led to the rear of the lab where you're taken through a security check-point, then down a long corridor. Along the way, your guide has you stop and peer into a makeshift hotel room, which includes a bed, night stand, lamp and bogus painting. Sitting on the bed, dressed comfortably in an orange bath towel and reading a copy of USA Today, is an attractive and fit gentleman in his late twenties, totally oblivious to your looking in.

From there, you and your guide continue down the corridor until you come across an unusual scene: There's a beautiful, nude woman laying unconscious on a hospital bed. She has some sort of Star Trek-looking skullcap gizmo attached to her head, with a cluster of tubes and wires extending out of it and into an intricate, computerized contraption at bedside. Further left is another bed, this one empty.

Another doctor steps forward and details the experiment:

You are to lay down, fully clothed, on that empty bed across from the unconscious woman and have the futuristic headgear attached. Within 20 minutes, you will be asleep, but every aspect of your consciousness will be temporarily transferred over to the woman. In other words, you will actually wake up - with all faculties, memories, personality traits, everything, completely in tact - in the woman's body. You can even see your body asleep on the other bed.

From there, you will be given 20 minutes alone for "self-exploration," just to check out your new body and see how everything works. Then, you are to join the man you saw in the mock hotel setting for a complete, 45-minute sexual escapade, which will include oral sex and intercourse. Afterward, you are to return to the original bed with the headgear, where your consciousness will be shifted back into your body. You will then wake up and, while your body was not actually involved, you will retain all knowledge, memory and sensation of the experience.

Do you have a boner now or what?! That shit is erotic as fuck, huh?

10/10 bloody axes



NITROII: HWDWS (Hot Wet Drippin' With Sweat)
About 10 years ago, I saw the grind/hardcore band Creation is Crucifixion in Cleveland. Somehow or another I ended up talking to one of the guitarists about Nitro, and he told me he would make me a copy of HWDWS, but he fucking never did. Fast forward to about 18 months ago, and he ended up being the DJ at Lucho Metales' wedding (he does it for a living). After requesting Lil John's "Snap Yo Fingaz," I asked him if he was ever going to get me that copy of HWDWS. He still didn't have it, which was kind of disappointing at the time, but in retrospect was probably for the best. There are a few goods jams such as "Boys Will Be Boys" and "Turnin' Me On," but it just isn't nearly as good as OFR. In fact, if it wasn't for OFR, I would probably be totally into this album. I mean, pick it up if you see it, just for the sake of completeness, but don't get your hopes up, you know?

7/10 bloody axes

25 comments:

  1. Damn i cant believe that you managed to get from nitro to creation is crucifixion in one article, i can haz it all.

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  2. Kinda unrelated here, but.. while watching that hillarious bit of shredding, it occured to me... what ever became of Doug "metal method" Marks???

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  3. wait...is this the band where the singer is now a girl...i mean anatomically correct this time?

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  4. nick:

    that was mark/marcie free from the band king kobra. nowadays jim gilette is totally jacked w/ a shaved head.

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  5. Many, many years ago a friend of mine who worked in a music shop found an unlabeled cassette in a bassdrum they had purchased. The contents of that cassette: almost all of OFR with the vocals and solos isolated. It actually took us a few months of playing it for people before someone actually recognized it for what it was, but regardless -- holy shit, it is seriously the most hilarious recording ever. What I would give for a digitized copy now...

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  6. THE GREAT KAT would eat Nitro for breakfast!

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  7. Dudez, i just did a 'where are they now' post on Nitro 2 days ago. Check it out:

    http://illogicalcontraption.blogspot.com/2009/01/catching-up-with-nitro.html

    Long live FUCKING NITRO!!!

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  8. motherfucker! your nitro post was better than mine AND beat me to the punch. damn you... but nice work!

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  9. Ok, you need to post a link to the mythbusters episode featuring Jim Gillette showing them how to break glass with their voices. Oh how metal!

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  10. the great kat is, well, great! i forgot all about her, but i used to listen to "worship me or die" quite a bit when i bought the cassette for $.50 or something.

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  12. "...before Nirvana ruined everything and made people understand that songwriting was more important that (sic) shredding..."

    Well, I agree that Nirvana ruined everything, but for entirely different reasons. Come on, guy, you mean to tell me that "Rape Me," is what songwriting is all about?

    your above sentence should read something like:

    "...before Nirvana ruined everything and made people understand that flannel and all things homosexual were where it was at.."

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  13. does anyone know where to find the video to kane roberts "rock doll"? that shit was hilarious when i seen it on headbangers ball. anything where they describe it as "rock" something is the shit,like its not just a girl whos a doll..but a girl whos a ROCK doll,like theres totally a difference and shit

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  14. Bobby's erotica is among the best. Amazing stuff.

    I'm happy to say that I'm the current and proud owner of the vinyl copy of OFR that previously belonged to Sergeant D. I'm glad our friendship is such that he would trust me with such a fine piece of metal history, one which I know means so much to him.

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  15. I can't believe Jim from Nitro got to marry that goddess of metal Lita Ford!

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  16. If you ever go to a bar that has "Machine Gunn Eddie" on the jukebox, it's more than worth $10 to put it on as many times as that'll buy you.

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  17. Nitro is great for a laugh, I still lose my shit everytime I hear the song "Machine Gun Eddie". The singer hits the high notes so high and so long that I can't contain myself laughing at the thought of this guy emulating Rob Halford

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  18. Those lyrics about fighting could have come from a Jersey tough guy hardcore band. Don't fuck with the Nitro crew.

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  19. if i went to a bar that had OFR on the jukebox i don't think i would ever leave!

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  20. For the guy asking for Kane Roberts "Rock Doll", ask and you shall receive! http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1v0y2_kane-roberts-rock-doll_music

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  21. Never heard of this band before, and judging from the cover of O.F.G., i did not miss much. covers like that made made me cringe with embarrassment when i found them in the "hard n´heavy" sections of record stores in the late 80s/early 90s. Just wanted to give props to you, Sarge, for stating in the Forced Entry-post that Demolition Hammer, Malevolent Creation and Solstice (I would also include Sadus, Epidemic, Exhorder and Incubus (the Incubus of "Serpent Temptation"-fame) are NOT death metal. We used to call stuff like that (guess what?) "Deathrash"... That stuff was as heavy as metal could get around 1990, these bands wiped the floor with every death metal band around at that time!! I was kinda bugged when Malevolent Creation´s singer changed his style to rather middle-of-the-road death growls after "The Ten Commandments".

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  22. where to begin....OK Nitro is so hilarious. i cant even figure out how to start this paragraph.

    i remember they were guests on headbangers ball (which was so amazing) and they were talking about how they got their van broken into at a gig and someone stole all of their gear TO INCLUDE THE 4 NECKED GUITAR! that means someone out there has that thing. i mean, its like the hope diamond or the mona lisa...you cant just steal it and then expect sell it to someone.

    correct me if i am wrong, but dont they have a third album?

    this is the perfect metal band. the lyrics are so fucking funny and the guitar riffs are so totally sleazy!! this makes me laugh harder then anything ever created on ANY form of media. the transition from the song fighting mad into OFR is priceless.

    another really funny thing i have noticed is how a lot of the riffs sound like best wishes era cro-mags parts, hahaha!

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  23. Nitro is amazing, don't knock Bobby Rock he is a great rep for veganism way better than Earth Crisis I'm sorry but it's true this guy is like the alpha male he could probably rip my arms off.

    Plus the Nelson record is pretty good

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  24. Interesting post .
    Love your post .
    Thanks for sharing .
    Remove White Background

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